☠ THE CANCER THREAD - a.k.a. I'm Fucking Dying ☠

[-Rage-]

I've been urged by a few fellow 12ozers to make this post.

 

On December 26th I was diagnosed with stage 4 esophageal adenocarcinoma. This cancer of the lower esophagus was caused by acid reflux, something I never even knew I suffered from. It spread to my stomach, liver, and other spots.

 

Back in the late-summer I noticed there was a pressure and constriction in my mid-chest after eating food. Foolishly I waited until early October to mention it to my physician. I was put on an over-the-counter acid and heartburn reducer. In November I met with a gastroenterologist who recommended an upper endoscopy. Mid-December the endoscopy revealed a 2" growth in my lower esophagus. The biopsy results came back a few days later and revealed it was cancerous. I did a CT scan and met with an oncologist a week later where I was told that the cancer had spread. I was told that without treatment my life expectancy would be 6 months. With treatment, 1-2 years. Surgery and radiation would no longer be an option at this stage. Chemotherapy begins January 6th and I am fucking terrified.

 

This is not meant to be a pity post, but more of an open dialog about cancer and how much it fucking sucks. I'm sure in some way we've all be affected by cancer either personally, or through family and friends. What's your story?

 

Also, I urge all of you to get screened or tested for cancer. Even if you don't show any signs or symptoms. It could save your life.

 

 

On a positive note, I bought a new digital camera and lens as a "Fuck it, I have cancer" present to myself. My goal is to document what little time I have left. When it's all over my digital archive will go to a trusted friend who will see fit to publish a book.

 

Edited January 2, 2020 by -Rage-

[Mercer]

I was really sorry to hear this, a few people on here found out Via your IG, and we didn't want anyone but you breaking the news here if it wasn't you. I've never met you IRL, but feel like you've had a great degree of positive influence me, and many others on here by simply being yourself and posting back in the day weather you realize it or not. Not really much I could say as far as advice or encouragement as this isn't something I have much experience with so I'll just try to keep it positive. Again, just really sorry to hear this, and hope to see what comes out of that new camera.

[Dirty_habiT]

I'm sorry to hear this Rage.  I remember back in the early 2000s when we were going nuts on this site posting all the time, staying up late.  Checking it every day.  I think we're around the same age (I'm 37).  The news saddened me greatly the other day to hear this, someone close to me on this site was suffering.

 

Is there anything as a forum that we can do to ease these tough times for you, and if not is there anything that I can do for you? 

Will you make sure that your mate has access to keep us updated here please?

 

Thank you for having the strength to share with us here and you're in my prayers.

[CALIgula]

Damn Rage.

This news fucking sucks.

If there is anything we can do, please let us know.

fuck cancer, for real

[mn1_fuckos]

The second half of the year has been a tough time for me personally there’s been quite few losses as far as family and friends go.

 

needless to say I was pretty heartbroken to read your post but then I saw your username and I felt an overwhelming sadness to see a person who’s post I looked forward to see be in this position.

 

I’m sorry you have to go through this and I know we don’t know each other in person but feel free to message me if you need someone to listen 

[Ko SprueOne]

Rage, I appreciate that you created this thread. Mrs. KoSprueOne was diagnosed with lung cancer this year (2019). That's all I'm ready to post in this thread right now.

[NightmareOnElmStreet]

Jesus Fuck, man. I’ve seen this shit more times than I want to think about but I applaud your ability to be so strong on the matter. It takes a giant amount of balls to stand up to the podium and announce yourself like that. Super saddening and tragic but I’m taking that shit straight to the the check up as I’ve been personally putting it off for too long now. It’s rad that you got yourself a camera too. Peaceful waves sent your way and I look forward to seeing some shots on your journey bro. 

[morton]

Sorry to hear it man.

 

My brother in law passed away last November from brain cancer, he was diagnosed 5 years ago and underwent three surgeries with chemo in the interim. It was his desire to see his children graduate high school, made it for one of them, the other will turn 16 soon. Real inspirational guy too.

 

 

[Hua Guofang]

I've never had to deal with this scourge and can't fathom what you and your family are going though.

 

If you choose to fight, we're there with you in spirit. If you choose to focus on the time you have left and make the most of it, I hope you pack 50 years into a few and have a hell of a time, mete.

 

If it gives you some sense of satisfaction, I suffer from reflux and wasn't aware things could get this serious. Now that I do, I'll not be lazy with it. Thank you for that, your post made some difference.

[One Man Banned]

More evidence of 12oz growing up, fuck.  But onward, you're a brave man posting real life shit here, I applaud you.

 

I've had to have some of these discussions with family & such, lot of it the same.  Bodily ills that were not checked out until too late= Stage 4.  Will share a little of what I've seen/learned thus far.  In all cases I've seen doctors are great at predicting stuff but in reality have no idea what will happen or when.  2 relatives had surgeries that either rid them of it or prolonged their life another 2+ years until cancer returned.  One is fighting a stage 4 cancer now and has been for maybe 3-4 years?  Everything about chemo seems shitty to me but watching someone go through it I didn't see all the stereotypical stuff you see/hear, like they didn't lose their hair.  Also while they were maybe tired and nauseous, these side effects seemed to subside after a day.  Advances in medicine appear helpful.  One relative had to do chemo in order to qualify for immunotherapy (think that's what they're calling it).  Anyhow, I don't expect that it will cure cancer but thus far it seems to have prevented further growth in the least and it maybe shrunk some tumors too.  All very promising.  

 

While it may not cure cancer I will encourage a positive attitude, healthy diet of cancer fighting foods, excercise, and whatever else helps you feel good.  There's a lot of mind/body connection shit that science doesn't understand and I think these extras help beyond chemo and medicine.  After people in my fam started getting cancer I was encouraged by a friend to look into Chaga mushrooms, I guess becuse he had found where a Japanese scientist treated lung cancer with it and claimed it went into remission.  Don't know if it really works but I have fucked w/ Chaga and other mushrooms to experiment, will say that some mushroom skin toner my girl got did make some patches of dark skin I have fade back to regular color.  Not the same as fights cancer, but a step in the right direction that has encouraged me to explore further and eat more mushrooms.

 

Anyhow, fight a good fight for yourself, think positive, and keep pushing forward.  Much appreciation for your sharing this here.

 

 

[KILZ FILLZ]

Hang in there 

[-Rage-]

12 hours ago, Dirty_habiT said:

I'm sorry to hear this Rage.  I remember back in the early 2000s when we were going nuts on this site posting all the time, staying up late.  Checking it every day.  I think we're around the same age (I'm 37).  The news saddened me greatly the other day to hear this, someone close to me on this site was suffering.

 

Is there anything as a forum that we can do to ease these tough times for you, and if not is there anything that I can do for you? 

Will you make sure that your mate has access to keep us updated here please?

Those early 2000s were the fucking best. I never regret the time I spent on here and the friends I made along the way. Meeting a bunch of 12ozers in person always made the connections seem more real. Every single person had their own badass or chill personality. And yea, 38 here.

I know I've been out of the 12oz loop for years now and not to sound cheesy or cliche, but the sense of community here is has always been humbling.

I'll let my s.o. know where to find this post and hopefully he can update if/when I can no longer do so.

 

 

10 hours ago, Ko SprueOne said:

Mrs. KoSprueOne was diagnosed with lung cancer this year (2019). That's all I'm ready to post in this thread right now.

Please feel free to reach out if you need to vent or just chat. Best of luck to her in the start of a new year.

 

 

8 hours ago, NightmareOnElmStreet said:

I’m taking that shit straight to the the check up as I’ve been personally putting it off for too long now.

PLEASE do. Get yourself checked out. I know appointments and waiting for results can be fucking scary, but the sooner you know, the better. I was stubborn and waited too long. Cancer was the last thing in the world I thought I would be diagnosed with.

 

 

5 hours ago, morton said:

My brother in law passed away last November from brain cancer, he was diagnosed 5 years ago and underwent three surgeries with chemo in the interim. It was his desire to see his children graduate high school, made it for one of them, the other will turn 16 soon. Real inspirational guy too.

Fuck, that is rough. Sorry for your loss. It's good to know he got to see one of his kids graduate though.

 

 

5 hours ago, Hua Guofang said:

If it gives you some sense of satisfaction, I suffer from reflux and wasn't aware things could get this serious. Now that I do, I'll not be lazy with it. Thank you for that, your post made some difference.

Make an appointment to even just chat with a gastroenterologist. Describe any and all symptoms. Tell him if you're taking anything like Prilosec, Nexium, or Omeprazole. You can even request an endoscopy (where they use a scope down the throat) to check for any erosion, abrasions, or in my case, growths.

Also, try sleeping at 20 to 30 degree angle. This elevates the throat and esophagus above the stomach, minimizing the possibility of acid to the esophagus. Use some extra pillows to create a sort-of ramp for the upper part of your body. Avoid eating at least 1 hour before going to bed. If you do, try to sit up for a bit to let it settle.

 

 

3 hours ago, One Man Banned said:

In all cases I've seen doctors are great at predicting stuff but in reality have no idea what will happen or when.  2 relatives had surgeries that either rid them of it or prolonged their life another 2+ years until cancer returned.  One is fighting a stage 4 cancer now and has been for maybe 3-4 years?  Everything about chemo seems shitty to me but watching someone go through it I didn't see all the stereotypical stuff you see/hear, like they didn't lose their hair.  Also while they were maybe tired and nauseous, these side effects seemed to subside after a day.  Advances in medicine appear helpful.  One relative had to do chemo in order to qualify for immunotherapy (think that's what they're calling it).  Anyhow, I don't expect that it will cure cancer but thus far it seems to have prevented further growth in the least and it maybe shrunk some tumors too.  All very promising. 

I think my biggest concern over my condition is all of the unknowns. An oncologist or other doctor can only give you a professional opinion, but will it ever be accurate? No. Thankfully I am in a state with some excellent medial and cancer centers, so I plan on getting second and even third opinions, at least after a few treatment sessions.

 

I agree, I think there have been some excellent advances in treatments and medications along the way. I'm fearful of the nausea and hair loss primarily. The former of which I have already been having for a couple weeks. Having a tumor just above the stomach has completely killed my appetite, thanks to the nausea. I would fucking kill for a bahn mi sandwich or cheesesteak, let me tell you.

 

[misteraven]

Hello @-Rage-,

 

Appreciate you posting and I echo what so many others have said in regards to how notable it is for you to come and share something so incredibly personal. Being honest, I can't imagine what you must be going through. Terrifying indeed... Honestly, its rocked me to hear this news as well. Facing your own mortality is certainly a heck of a thing to have to undergo and once the situation becomes real... Man, not even sure how to articulate my own feelings here watching off the side lines.

 

Guess I can only say that you've left an indelible impression on the 12ozProphet community here and I genuinely wish you the very best. I hope you're able to find peace and grace as you continue your path and its my own belief that it doesn't end with death of our physical bodies. 

 

This is certainly a proverbial bucket of cold water over the head to remind myself and hopefully everyone to make the most out of the days we have, because they aren't guaranteed. Be good to yourselves and kind to each other. Obviously we all have our different perspectives and experiences. Obviously we don't always agree with each other. If anything, this thread is a reminder to live life well and celebrate each day and all the people in it. To ultimately set aside petty divisions and all the nonsense that leads to drama and division and instead appreciate and enjoy all those differences as something that makes life interesting.

 

In any case, I applaud you for your contribution to the forum over so many years and appreciate the important lesson your post reminded me of.

 

Unsure if it helps at the present moment, but know you've made a big impact.

 

Best wishes...

 

 

[-Rage-]

23 minutes ago, misteraven said:

Facing your own mortality is certainly a heck of a thing to have to undergo

Understatement.

 

Let me tell you, hearing a doctor tell you flat out that you may only exist on this floating ball of water and dirt for another year is a punch to the soul. Everything stops.

So much rushes through your head at once.

 

"How do I tell my family that I'm dying?"

"I need to write a will. What the fuck do I put in it? Why do I have so much shit?"

"We just bought a fucking house. Will he want to live in it after I die or will there be too many memories?"

"What happens to my film and digital photography archive spanning 20+ years of personal projects?"

"Will I ever get to see some of my friends again?"

 

[pissdrunkwhat?!]

11 hours ago, -Rage- said:

Understatement.

 

Let me tell you, hearing a doctor tell you flat out that you may only exist on this floating ball of water and dirt for another year is a punch to the soul. Everything stops.

So much rushes through your head at once.

 

"How do I tell my family that I'm dying?"

"I need to write a will. What the fuck do I put in it? Why do I have so much shit?"

"We just bought a fucking house. Will he want to live in it after I die or will there be too many memories?"

"What happens to my film and digital photography archive spanning 20+ years of personal projects?"

"Will I ever get to see some of my friends again?"

 

I've been here a long time and you're name has always rang out. I'm sure that's probably reflection of your impact on people in your life. So if you're gonna make the best of it I'm sure you're more capable than most.

 

12oz has always been a family to me even the ones I never got along with were still here for the ride and I respect that.

 

I hope every sunrise is more beautiful than the last. 

[SukiSukiNow]

I am in disbelief. I’m so sorry this is happening to you. If there’s anything I can do, anything you need? Sending you lots of love 💕💕💕

[diggity]

@-Rage-This is pretty awful news to hear. I've seen you around here for as long back as I can remember and you've always contributed heavily to the community.

I'm sorry for you and wish you the best, please continue to check back in and keep us updated if you can. also see and do as much as possible with the time you have left. 

 

[Ko SprueOne]

On 1/2/2020 at 8:38 AM, -Rage- said:

 

Please feel free to reach out if you need to vent or just chat. Best of luck to her in the start of a new year.

 

Thank you for that and for your couRage. You reach out to me as well if you need to.

 

 

[Qawee]

sorry to hear about your situation. I'm sure having to stare down your mortality is a really fucked up feeling. That said, i hope you can spend as much time as possible doing the things you love and with people that love you. 

[abrasivesaint]

On 1/2/2020 at 1:44 PM, -Rage- said:

Why do I have so much shit?"

This made me laugh, sorry, haha. 
 

Terrible news, i’m sorry to hear it. My brother had been diagnosed with Leukemia when we were kids, given a Make-A-Wish and all that, beat it. In his 20s shortly after having his son he was diagnosed with stage 4 Hodgkins Lymphoma. A pretty treatable form of cancer but stage 4 cancer nonetheless, and for the 2nd time, he beat that too. I don’t mean to give you a sense of hope, but you never know. Keep your head in the fight and go down swinging if that’s how the cards fall. My apologies if this comes off insensitive or something, i don’t mean to be.

 

Given my brother’s history, my lifestyle through my 20s, recent ailments, and this post, i just scheduled an appointment to get screened. I’ve had a weird tight feeling in my chest the past few days after swallowing (/nh) and eating, so not going to lie, reading this sort of scared the shit out of me. 

Edited January 4, 2020 by abrasivesaint

[Dr. Dazzle]

This is so incredibly bizarre. I don't really come on here anymore, maybe a fleeting glance every 6 months or so. A few days ago, probably right around your diagnosis, for no reason whatsoever you popped in to my head. For some reason I was reminded of our discussions about music, the CD exchanges, your photography. Then I go and log in here out of the blue a few days later and see this. I am so unbelievably sorry.

 

This hits particularly close to home as I have suffered from acid reflux my entire life. It was only about 4 years ago where it was officially diagnosed as GERD after it got so bad one day it basically stopped me from being able to swallow. I had the endoscopy that revealed my entire esophagus is scarred from it being untreated for 30+ years. I've been on Pantoprazole ever since which seems to do the trick, although I do have bad days every now and then. I've had another endoscopy since, but this has made me realize I should really make an appointment to get another one. What you are going through right now is my worst fear, especially knowing how much the risk is increased with my condition.

 

I know the words of a complete stranger mean nothing with what you are going through right now, but from the bottom of my fucking heart I am so, so sorry. Even though we never actually knew each other, you were a constant presence in my youth thanks to how much goddamn time we spent on this dumb website. I wish you the absolute best in your fight against this, and know that this random Canadian stranger knows you are strong enough to beat this.

 

Godspeed, my dude ❤️

[the_gooch]

Rage, we love you. Sorry to hear this. 

[SMdoubleXL]

I wish for you to have endless love and light through this journey. 

[Schnitzel]

Rage I am so sorry to hear this news. 

 

We're all rooting for you!  Keep fighting the good fight!

 

Fucking Cancer.

 

[Steel Schnauzer]

🙏 

[Fist 666]

@-Rage-I don't have anything profound to say, just that I'm super bummed about this. Been a fan of yours since the early oughts in the Photography Thread and consistent solid posts in AFI's top 5 threads. 

 

I have learned to deal with tragedy through sarcasm and laughter instead of facing it head on like an adult. I'm not posting this to make light of anything, but to try and bring some laughter where there isn't much room for it.

 

 

[morton]

Cancer is a heavy topic, terminal illness in general. 

 

Tried a couple times here to string some thoughts together but find myself coming up short. 

 

From what I can tell there is an immediate re-evaluation of what a "positive outcome" is, and that evaluation continues to change.

 

I think that death brings out the best in people, in general, both with the person approaching their end of life and their community and loved ones.  My wife and I played a supportive role through Martin's surgeries over the years and also the last months and weeks of his life, it was inspiring to get to know him better and to see the quiet and constant support of their familial, professional and personal  networks.

 

It was really touching to be a part of that network and I know that it ended up helping my wife understand herself as a compassionate and care giving person in ways that she may have been in mistaken about in the past.

 

My aunt also got the cancer and died, she went in for a stomach pains and was told she had six weeks. I went to visit her,  for the first time in a long time due to general dysfunction and estrangement on that side of the family. We visited for maybe an hour or two and in that time I appreciated for the first time how very much like my father she was, except calm and maybe a little funnier, I felt as close to her then as I ever have to any of my extended family. I tried to take it as a call to get closer with other in my family, which I have frankly failed to do, which is too bad but maybe will change. Another fucked up thing about her death was that her husband had died of cancer like a decade earlier and her daughter, who was my age died of cancer at like age 14, all pancreatic, what are the odds.

 

Anyways, random people out here on the internet all thinking about you and hoping for the best possible outcome for you and your loved ones.

 

 

 

 

 

[misteraven]

Going to loop back and try and bring attention to the positives. Not to get existential with things here, but been on that tip as I wrestle with my own understanding of life. More here:https://forum.12ozprophet.com/topic/87861-the-power-of-positive-thinking-meditation-and-crawling-out-of-the-pits-of-dispair/page/2/?tab=comments#comment-6350848

 

When it comes to work and most things in life for that matter, I try and focus on solutions rather than dwell on problems. I don't know @-Rage-or many of you personally in real life, and don't mean to diminish the significance of a diagnosis like this, but now that it's on the table, my thought is anyone in this position would be best served by looking at solutions and trying to harness the positivity of certain actions, rather than add to the stress of it all by only thinking about the negative. There's no doubt that our mood affects our biochemistry and that there are positive and negative consequences that correspond with which of that is coursing through our bodies on a regular basis. Anger, frustration, stress, depression are all natural reactions to even the dumb things life throws at us, so it would be easy to understand those feelings in a situation like this. That said, I would think that finding ways to harness the biochemistry that is a by product of peace, contentment and thankfulness would do far better in creating an environment for healing than the opposite.

 

In any case, I'm not a counselor, therapist or spiritual guru, but I'd like to bring that point up.

 

I wish you the very best as you continue your journey.

[-Rage-]

So, It's been two weeks since I last checked in here.

 

I had a "Smart Port" surgically implanted in my chest (just below the right collar bone). It is basically an injection port where they can "plug in" IVs and chemo pumps without having to stab you in the arm or hand every time. The surgeon had to fuck up my chest tattoo to insert it. Small price to pay for trying to live a little longer. I would say its weird having a 1" raised bump in my chest, but I just see it as another body modification.

A few days after that I started my first chemo transfusion session. They start by injecting steroids (for nausea), dextrose, sodium chloride, and other pre-meds. All of the IVs took about 3 hours. Let me tell you, I was the youngest person in the transfusion room by about 30 years. Certainly was a little depressing. After all the IVs, they hooked up a baseball size injector pump full of the real chemo drugs. It stays plugged in for 48 hours, slowing injecting 5mL per hour. Scored a sweet-ass fanny pack to store it. I know you're all jealous.

 

The side effects. Most people are aware of the extremely unpleasant things that happen while on chemo. It's not a walk in the park, I assure you. Naturally, everyone has different reactions, plus, there are so many different types of chemotherapy drugs, so not everyone may experience the same shit. Here's what I experienced during the first treatment session:

• Waves of nausea. After I got home on the first day I felt fine until about 5pm when it hit. I was prescribed two drugs for the nausea and one steroid. I decided to take one of the nausea pills right away and again about every 8 hours to keep the nausea at bay. It seemed to work for the most part. Didn't really have any intense nausea and no vomiting at all. Taking deep breaths really helps here.
• Loss of appetite. A major downside is the immediate loss of appetite from the nausea. Nothing is appetizing despite the need and want to eat.
• Sensitivity to cold liquids. I took a swig of ice cold water and my throat felt like there were needles in it. Such a strange feeling. Thankfully, I am able to tolerate room-temp water and other liquids (tea, Ensure, Gatroade...), so staying hydrated is pretty easy. I've always been an advocate for drinking as much water during the day as possible. Usually 60-100 fluid ounces.
• Sensitivity to tastes. Sounds weird as hell, but during the transfusions I would get an intense shock wave of radiating discomfort in the hinge of my jaw. It always occurred when taking the first bite of any food or taking the first sip of a drink.
• Flushed face. At times I would have a really red and flushed face which would feel like I was on fire. I believe this was a reaction to either the steroids or one of the nausea meds. Going outside in the cold or using a damp cloth seemed to alleviate the problem, albeit temporarily.
• Sensitivity to light, screens, and loud noises. I had the shades drawn closed in my bedroom for three full days, like a fucking vampire. I could barely look at my cellphone for more than 15 seconds without feeling dizzy. A friend called me to talk on the phone and I could barely tolerate listening for more than a minute. I spent a lot of time just sitting up in bed, staring at the wall and breathing deeply. Listening to ambient sounds and music helped as well. Aphex Twin's Selected Ambient Works Volume II for the fucking win.
• Constipation. Not wanting to eat anything.... well, you get the idea.
• Fatigue and weakness. A common side effect. Due to being injected with so many drugs, a lack of food intake and general malaise there is no will to be active at all.

I would compare all of my side effects like a hangover times ten. They lasted until about Thursday mid-day, a full day after the injection pump was removed. By Friday I regained an appetite. This week I am feeling worlds better. Pretty much like my usual self. I will say that sleeping hasn't been an issue at all. If anything I feel as though I am sleeping better. I am now trying to go for walks at least once a day for 15+ minutes. There are lots of woods and trails around my house, so its a nice distraction. This is also the first full week I have been back at work (remotely) since December 2nd. Work has also been a pleasant distraction.

 

I start another treatment session on Monday the 20th. Time will tell what side effects will occur this time.

 

Oh, and I got married on Saturday the 11th. Figured my dude and I should get hitched sooner than later since we don't know what the future will bring.

 

Edited January 16, 2020 by -Rage-

[Dirty_habiT]

Congrats on your marriage Rage.  If it's any kind of inspiration for you, my uncle was diag'd with a growth in his lungs that they said would not be treatable.  They told him all they could do is give him medicine to attempt to extend his life.  Nobody came out and said it but I'm pretty sure this means late stage lung cancer.  We are happy to say that we got that news about 2-3 months ago and last week we received word that the growth had gone away completely.  He's been going through some quite expensive rounds of treatment during this time.... so I guess it is working or has worked.  He still has to deal with one in his pancreas, but the lung growth going away is a big deal.

 

I'm just telling you this so you can keep the idea in your head that doctors are wrong about things at times and they are kind of like "more professional" weathermen IMO.  God speed my friend and we'll be here cheering you on.