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suca

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Dear kids,

 

Cyber-bullying, really? "Tiffany said mean things about me on MySpace, so I'm gonna throw myself in front of a train, boo-hoo-hoo!!" Fuck, kids need to get some REAL bullies in their lives, get their lunch money snatched, or their back-packs/jackets thrown in a creek in the middle of winter.

 

Evil

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dear lower back pain.

 

It would appear that your powers are too dominant for the heating pillow. The mineral

spirits smelled bad and really only provided a few minutes of strange relief. The vibrating

pillow seemed straight up until all the vibrating near my bawlz left them feeling tender

as eggs. Lets see what u got on these Lortabs. Say sumthing bitch.

 

abagabcs

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Dear imchristeezles,

 

I hope you're feeling better! It's never easy losing someone you love, we all deal with our grief differently. Give yourself time and be kind to yourself. Think about the wonderful things she taught you and how loved she made you feel and try not to focus on what you lost.

 

- grd

 

 

 

Dear Decy,

 

good luck with the interviews!! That's awesome, I'm sure you'll do great, you can still look for a job you'll love while you're getting paid.

Sorry you Mam is poorly, I'll be sending some good Welsh vibes and positive thoughts her way!!

 

- grd

 

 

Dear me,

 

another year older...still no wiser.

c'est la guerre

 

- me

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Dear girlfriends baby daddy,

 

Get over it nigga your bitch got took. Maybe if you weren't a drunk ass fuck up and didn't get kicked out the military you'd still have a chance. Treat your girl good or someone else will. And believe when I say I treat her good! Real good. Shrimp dick bastard. If it weren't for your children you'd be irrelevant. Which I Dont get y you aren't already. I take care of your kids way more than you ever have or will. You lucky I got a heart or I'd take yours. Wish you weren't such a weenie so I could show this to you without you crying and getting all butt hurt. But keep pushin my buttons and these words will be the least of your worries. So since your drunk ass woke me up at 4am to bitch about something that could've waited till at least 8am I'm gonna bitch to the rest of the world. Hope your ears are ringing bitch. You're gonna get yours one day and it ain't gonna be pretty. Karma is the only bitch you'll need to worry about.

 

Mostdefangrycauseaniggawokemefrommyslumberoner.

 

 

Dear fellow oontzers,

 

My bad! :)

 

Mahalo

 

M.Hawaii

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dear homie since high school,

 

damn man, we've been hollerin at females since waaaaay back...we've got all types of stories, but about 8 months ago when you told me your girl was possibly pregnant, it caught me off guard...well, 3 days ago, you had your son...i came to the hospital and visited you, your girl and your brand new baby boy...its too surreal....damn, were in our 30s now....were grown up...fuck :(

 

cG

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dear new downstairs neighbors,

 

please reduce the amount of traffic coming in and out of your place, you've only been here a week and i have seen at least a dozen different vehicles pull in and out of your driveway. Also, make sure your friends/clients/whatever keep their vehicles out of my spaces, and out of the middle of the driveway or we are going to have serious issues. I'm Very close to deflating a couple tires the next time i have troubles getting out of my space. I don't find this to be an unreasonable or difficult request.

 

-red.

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dear edoggg...

 

hae a fuckin' bra time...

 

how are yi no comin' to see me in scotland ya wee bam pot?

 

 

dear missus...

 

you are stunning. however a bit of a bellend at times...

 

when i occasionally work, i work damn hard, i am aware i could afford much nicer things if i cut doon on my boozing. but you need to understand that i need to wear what my favourite rappers were wearing when i was aboot 7 year ald (old)

 

and jordans... or at least dunks...

 

ROlf

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Dear Kitchen Stove.

 

As you know your friends and coworkers Microwave and Refrigerator have already failed me and are no longer among us.

 

Now it seems you are going to let me down as well.

 

If you decide to continue down that path of non-functionality it will surely break my heart.

 

Please stay with me and assist me in the making of bacon and I promise I will clean you more often.

 

Sincerely yours, Mr. MAYO

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Dear new 20 yr old girlfriend,

 

You're hot and have my full attention, but fuck sake meet me halfway on shit. Get a fucking job please.

 

I understand the utter hilarity in asking you to be responsible, but c'mon.

 

Going broke .... But I lost 7 lbs Cuz of my stroke game.

 

Worth it? Yeah. But you're on thin ice boo.

 

-nsmb

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dear telecoms folk...

 

you're a right bunch o' fuckin' knobs...

 

you had to replace the rotten poley on a day when i'm no workin' and have no plans other than sittin' aboot the hoose doin' fuck all...

 

cheers, i'm off to the pub to read the papers and talk to ah the old men aboot their glory days and pensions...

 

ROLF

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dear nsmb,

 

not sure how old you is. but nigga, think HARD. my ex/current smash pal was scooped

up at the ripe age of 20. based on looks alone for the most part. that and shes a nasty

artist. i was 25-26 at the time. she was/is the type of broad you can go on making excuses

for, for a long fucking time like, "oh, bitch don't know what tupac looks like, it's okay. she

currently tops any 8-9 i've ever had. fuck it!" i mean the list of shit goes on. but 5-6 years

makes a huge difference i never imagined possible. good luck on that though. i myself, will be sticking

to olderish bitches for the remainder of my late twenties. after 30 i'll probably need to get back to

young hoes sos i can feel better about myself and what not.

 

-nOeserism

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dearest new mattress,

 

why the fuck will you not let me rest comfortably? You were certainly expensive enough to be ultra comfortable, and you are ultra comfortable, but fuckin christ two and a half hours of sleep before a 14 hour workday isn't quite sufficient. Please treat me better tonight, i will have a stout liquor drink before visiting you to help move things along.

 

very sincerely,

 

-restless, exhausted, annoyed.

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