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offensive jokes..


graffsurgeon

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When do you know when your girlfriend is too young for you?

 

When you have to make 'Choo-Choo' noises to get your cock in her mouth!

 

 

 

Why did the queer get sacked from his job at the sperm bank?

 

He got caught drinking on the job

 

 

There were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a old dilapidated boat. It just so happened that John's wife died the same day Joe's boat sank. A few days later a kindly old woman saw Joe, and mistaking him for John. Said "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must feel terrible"

 

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat, said "Fact is, I'm sort of glad to get rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like an old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front, too. Every time I used her the hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time for the weekend. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow and were willing to pay. The fools all tried to get in her at the same time and split her right down the middle."

 

The old woman fainted.

 

 

Whats the difference between Colin Mcrae and Michael Jackson??

 

Colin only went down on 1 chopper

 

 

Women are like parking spaces. Sometimes all the good ones are taken, so when no one's looking you have to stick it in a handicapped one.

 

 

whats black and screams ??

Stevie wonder answering the iron

 

 

What's the difference between a woman and a Kentucky Fried Chicken? After you've finished with the breast all you've got is a greasy box to put your bone in.

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  • 1 month later...

My girlfriend said I've got the biggest cock she'd ever seen,

That's one of the benefits of going out with a 10 year old.

 

 

My wife being unhappy with my mood swings brought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.

We discovered that when I am in a good mood it turns green and when I am in a bad mood it leaves a big fucking red mark on her forehead

 

 

How do you make a six-year-old girl cry twice?

 

Fuck her in the ass, then wipe your dick on her teddy bear.

 

 

Gerry and Kate McCann went to see the Pope to ask if he could help find their daughter.

The Pope said he'd love to help but the Catholic Clergy was more used to hunting down small boys

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Oldie but goodie:

 

A polish guy tells his daughter who is marrying a Greek:

"He may tell you to turn over in bed but don't let that Greek get your other hole"

 

A few months after the wedding the Greek husband tells his Polish bride:

"Why don't you turn over and let me hit that other hole"

 

She says "No, my father warned me about that and I will never do it"

So he says to her "But I thought you wanted to get pregnant"

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a marriage is on the rocks, so the couple go to a counselor.

 

The women tells the male counselor that she never experiences orgasms during sex.

 

The counselor tells the husband to take note, and fucks the shit out of the wife, she cums and he tells the husband that "she's got to get that treatment at least three times a week"

 

and the husband goes "I can bring her in on Mondays and Wednesdays but i go golfing with my mates on Fridays".

 

 

========================

 

 

 

 

A woman has been in a coma for ten years and one day a nurse is cleaning her vaj, and the systems register some responsive brain activity. so the nurse consults the doctors who decide to get the patient's husband in to perform oral sex on his wife.

 

A few days later he gets to the hospital to give it a shot, and is left in private with his wife, after a few minutes the doctors hear the cardiac arrest alarm soundind so they rush in and ask the husband what happened,

 

and he goes "she must have choked"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

lololoololololololololololololol

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Where do you send jewish kids with A.D.D.?

 

To Concentration camps

 

 

 

What did the Jewish paedophile say to the little boy after he got in the car?

"Hey, go easy on the sweets."

 

 

Why can't Stephen Hawking dance?

 

He's white.

 

 

Whats Black and sits at the top of the stairs?

 

Stephen Hawkings in a house fire

 

 

How many white girls does it take to screw in a light?

None, white girls can't screw

 

 

What do you do if your dishwasher breaks down?

 

Slap the bitch.

 

 

What's the difference between choking a baby and a traffic light?

 

I always stop when a traffic light goes red

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i heard this last night, was quite funny. but it will only make sense to aussies so i'll explain. centrelink is a government run dole and pension place, so theres a lot of poor people there. so anyway...

 

whats long, black and smelly?

 

 

 

 

the line at centrelink.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

its funny because an aboriginal guy told me.

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Man and wife visit a Marriage Councellor. He asks them 'OK - lets start with something that you have in common'?

 

Husband replied 'Neither of us like to suck Cock'

 

 

How many Jews does it take to fix a shower?

 

We don't know yet, 6 million of them were sent in but none have come out yet.

 

 

What does the dot on an Indian chick's forehead mean?

 

After she is married, on their wedding night, her husband gets to scratch off that dot to see if he wins a gas station or a 7-11.

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Whats the best part of raping a baby?

Hearing its pelvis snap.

What is the worst part about raping a baby?

Getting blood on your clown suit.

 

-

What is the difference between a baby and a grandmother.

A grandma doesn't die when you fuck her in the ass.

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How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?

 

AIDS

 

 

Whats the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

 

The Wheelchair

 

 

Whats the difference between a Paki and E.T?

 

E.T got the message and went home.

 

 

 

 

I'm sure glad i don't actually support racism or discrimination but offensive jokes are just the best!

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how do you get a jew out of the show?

cut off the gas and grab him by the ankles...

 

whats the difference between jelly and jam??

you can't jelly your dick into a girls ass...

 

what do you do with a stumbling black person in your back yard??

shoot him again...

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