offensive jokes..

[Decyferon]

I phoned the Islamic Samaritans today.

 

When I said I was feeling suicidal they got all excited and asked if I knew how to fly a plane.

 

 

 

Where do you send jewish kids with A.D.D.?

 

To Concentration camps (think i might have posted that before)

 

 

 

A half Jewish, half black Kid asks his Mom

"Mom, am I mostly Jewish or mostly black?"

"That's a dumb question" she replies "Go bother your Dad, already"

Off he goes - "Dad, would you say I'm mostly Jewish or mostly black?"

"You're just you, son, why are you asking dumb-ass questions like that?"

"Well, my friend's selling his bike for 50 bucks and I don't know whether to Jew him down to 25 or just wait until dark and steal the fucker"

 

 

 

I said to the wife, "I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today , but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut' "

 

 

 

How many NYPD officers does it take to push a black man down the stairs?

 

None, he fell.

[Decyferon]

What's the difference between PMT and BSE?

One attacks the cow's brain and sends it fucking mental, and the other is some kind of agricultural problem

 

 

 

What do you call a black bitch with four dogs?

The Spice Girls

 

 

 

Why did Princess Diana cross the road?

 

She wasn't wearing her seatbelt.

[Decyferon]

**not a joke as such but pretty damn funny**

 

 

This got the whole of Sydney laughing. Read it and you'll see why! Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.

 

The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called 'Mate Match'. The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers'yes',he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.

 

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with (phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

 

One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the fu**iest thing you've heard yet.

 

Anyway, here's how it all went down:

 

DJ: 'Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?'

Contestant: (laughing) 'Yes, I have.'

DJ: 'Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win.

What is your name? First only please.'

Contestant: 'Brian.'

DJ: 'Brian, are you married or what?'

Brian: (laughing nervously) 'Yes, I am married.'

DJ: 'Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please.'

Brian: 'Sara.'

DJ: 'Is Sara at work, Brian?'

Brian: 'She is gonna kill me.'

DJ: 'Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?'

Brian: (laughing) 'Yes, she's at work.'

DJ: 'Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?'

Brian: 'About 8 o'clock this morning.'

DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) 'Well...'

DJ: 'Question #2 - How long did it last?'

Brian: 'About 10 minutes.'

DJ: 'Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake.'

Brian: 'Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.'

DJ: 'Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) 'I, ummm, I, well...'

DJ: 'This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?'

Brian: 'Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for couple of weeks...'

DJ: 'Uh huh...'

Brian: '...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.'

DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'

Brian: 'On the kitchen table.'

DJ: 'Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it.

Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up.

You listen to this.'

[3 minutes of commercials follow. ]

DJ: 'Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?' (Touch tones.....ringing....)

Clerk: 'Kinkos.'

DJ: 'Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?'

Clerk: 'This is she.'

DJ: 'Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.'

Sarah: (laughing) 'A couple of hours?'

DJ: 'Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any\answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?'

Sarah: 'No.'

DJ: 'Good!'

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) 'Brian, what the hell are you up to?'

Brian: (laughing) 'Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest.'

DJ: 'Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'

DJ: 'Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?'

Sarah: 'Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work.'

DJ: 'What time?'

Sarah: 'Around 8 this morning.'

DJ: 'Very good. Next question. How long did it last?'

Sarah: '12, 15 minutes maybe.'

DJ: 'Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect is manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?'

Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'

DJ: 'Where did you have it?'

Sarah: 'OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?'

Brian: 'Just tell him, honey.'

DJ: 'What is bothering you so much, Sarah?'

Sarah: 'Well...'

DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?

Sarah: 'Up the arse.....'

 

They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was going to have a heart attack, he could not stop laughing. Apparently there was an unusually high call out of the Sydney Police just after this conversation, for minor traffic collisions.

[Decyferon]

What runs along walls and kills Jews?

 

Gas Pipes.

 

 

 

What is the first thing a battered wife does when she gets home from hospital?

 

The dishes and dinner if she's got any sense.

 

 

 

 

Middle aged woman looks in the mirror. "God I look old, fat and ugly." She says to her hubby "Pay me a compliment dear."

 

Hubby says, "Your fucking eyesight's good!"

[Decyferon]

How do you fuck an emo?

 

Give it a knife.

[Decyferon]

How do you fuck an emo?

 

Give it a knife.

[Drunkfux]

Whats the one thing shorter than an asians dick??

 

A black persons "To Do" list

[Drunkfux]

Whats the one thing shorter than an asians dick??

 

A black persons "To Do" list

[Drunkfux]

Why don't n*ggers like barn dances?

Everytime they hear there's a 'hoe down' they think their sister got shot!

[Drunkfux]

Why don't n*ggers like barn dances?

Everytime they hear there's a 'hoe down' they think their sister got shot!

[Drunkfux]

What is a Jews biggest dilemma?

Free pork

 

Whats the difference between a Jew and a Canoe?

A canoe tips

 

Whats the object of Jewish football?

To get the quarter back.

 

What did the little German boy get for his birthday?

Easy bake oven and a G.I Jew

 

Why did the Jews walk around the desert for 40 years?

They heard that someone dropped a quarter

 

How do you know if a chink robbed your house?

Your homework is done, your computer is upgraded, but two hours later the chink is still trying to back out of your driveway!

[Drunkfux]

What is a Jews biggest dilemma?

Free pork

 

Whats the difference between a Jew and a Canoe?

A canoe tips

 

Whats the object of Jewish football?

To get the quarter back.

 

What did the little German boy get for his birthday?

Easy bake oven and a G.I Jew

 

Why did the Jews walk around the desert for 40 years?

They heard that someone dropped a quarter

 

How do you know if a chink robbed your house?

Your homework is done, your computer is upgraded, but two hours later the chink is still trying to back out of your driveway!

[Drunkfux]

An Englishman, an American and a Packie.

They were all standing on top of the Eiffel Tower in France.

The American bet the Packie $1,000,000,000 to see if he could jump off the Tower and land like a feather onto the ground.

The Packie said alright then so the American jumped of and landed like a feather.

So the American came all the way to the top of the tower and got his money.

The Packie then says to him 'How the hell did you do that'

So while they were walking away the Packie jumped off the Tower and splated on the ground.

The Englishman then says to the american ' You cruel bastard Super Man.

[Drunkfux]

An Englishman, an American and a Packie.

They were all standing on top of the Eiffel Tower in France.

The American bet the Packie $1,000,000,000 to see if he could jump off the Tower and land like a feather onto the ground.

The Packie said alright then so the American jumped of and landed like a feather.

So the American came all the way to the top of the tower and got his money.

The Packie then says to him 'How the hell did you do that'

So while they were walking away the Packie jumped off the Tower and splated on the ground.

The Englishman then says to the american ' You cruel bastard Super Man.

[milford]

How long does it take a black lady to take a shit?

 

 

 

 

....nine months.

[MOOGLE?]

A guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially

buried in the sand.

 

He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two BLONDE genies appear and

they tell him he has been granted three wishes.

 

The guy makes his three wishes and the BLONDE genies disappear.

 

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion

surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins

to explore

the house.

 

Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet. He looks down and the

floor is covered in $100 bills.

 

Then, there is a knock at the door.

 

He answers the door and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku

Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope

over a limb and hang him by the neck until he is dead.

 

As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods, and it's the

two BLONDE genies. One BLONDE genie says to the other one, "Hey, I can

understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big

mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a

millionaire.

But to be hung like a black man is beyond me!"

[gasfacevictm]

Not too offensive but whatever...

 

What do you call Mexican with a rubber toe?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ROBERTO!!

[skeedupfromthefeetup]

A girl is watching her father shower.

 

She points to his penis and says, "Daddy, when will I get one of those?"

 

He looks at his watch and says, "When your mother leaves for work!"

 

 

 

 

What's the difference between the government and organized crime?

 

One is organized.

 

 

 

Why do Jews watch porn films backwards?

 

They love the bit where the prostitute gives the money back

 

i loved this whole post

[MOOGLE?]

.. gotta admit thats kinda funny^^

[Decyferon]

What does a Polish bride get on her wedding day thats long and hard?

 

A new surname.

 

 

 

A local paedophile ring has made the unprecedented step of issuing a statement after being accused of hiding Shannon Matthews for two weeks.

 

They said 'Fuck off - we do have some standards you know'

(you may not get this if u don't read uk news)

 

 

 

I've just been to a Muslim birthday party.

The musical chairs was a bit slow, but, fuck me, the pass the parcel was quick!

 

 

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me, "oy, what's your disability?"

 

I said, "Tourettes, now fuck off you cunt!"

 

 

 

What does a ginger miss most about parties?

 

The invitation.

 

 

 

Little Johnny walks into his parents bedroom to find his Dad giving his Mum one. His Dad smirks and throws a pillow at the door saying, "Get outta here, you little shit!"

 

A couple of hours later Dad hears a whole lot of commotion coming from little Johnny's bedroom. He goes up to find little Johnny giving his Grandma a right royal seeing to.

 

Little Johnny smiles, "It's not so fucking funny when it's your Mum, is it?"

 

 

 

Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China?

 

Everybody won.

 

 

 

British weather, its just like a Muslim, either Sunni or Shi'ite.

 

 

 

What has getting your girlfriend pregnant and locking your keys in the car got in common?

 

Both problems can be easily fixed with a coat hanger

[Decyferon]

A man walks up to a woman in a bar and says, "You're going to get laid tonight".

A bit surprised, she asks, "Really? How do you know that? Are you psychic?"

"No, I'm just stronger than you".

 

 

 

 

This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.

The driver got out.. he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy"...

I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"

 

 

 

 

 

A Catholic priest and a rabbi are walking down the street one day when they see a pair of angelic-looking 12-year-old boys playing football in the park.

The priest turns to the rabbi, nudges him in the ribs and says:

"I tell you what; lets go and screw those boys"

The rabbi looked at him curiously and answered:

"Out of what?"

 

 

 

 

A guy gets pulled over by a cop for speeding. As the copper is writing up the ticket, the guy asks...

"Can you arrest me for calling you a filthy name?"

"Yes" replies the cop.

He then asks, "Can you arrest me for thinking something?"

"No" replies the cop.

"Well then," says the man, "I think you're a cunt!"

 

 

 

Three women were in the waiting room of a gynecologist, and each of them was knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be. The first one stopped and took a pill.

"What was that?" The others asked her.

"Oh, it was Vitamin C - I want my baby to be healthy." A few minutes later, another woman took a pill.

"What was that?" the others asked.

"Oh, it was iron - I want my baby to be big and strong."

They continued knitting. Finally the third woman took a pill.

"What was that?" the others asked her.

"It was thalidomide," she said, "I just can't get the arms right on this fucking sweater!"

 

 

 

 

Bono is at a U2 concert when he asks the audience for some quiet. Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands. Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone... "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies." A voice from near the front pierces the silence... "Well, fucking stop it then!"

[Decyferon]

Hitler walks into the meeting room and turns to his trusted staff. "I want you to organise the execution of 10,000 Jews and 1 Australian." Everyone looks around the table and after a long silence, Goering pipes up, "Mein Führer, why do you want to kill an Australian?" Hitler smiles and turns to the rest of the table. "You see, no one ever asks about the Jews."

[Decyferon]

A man and a woman went to court disputing over custody of their child.

The Judge asked the woman to rise and argue her case.

"I went through all the pain undergoing labour and I see no reason why the child's custody should not be handed to me", she pleaded.

The man replied, "Your Honour, let me put it this way. If you put a dollar in a vending machine and a coke drops out, who's would it be... the machines or yours?"

 

 

 

Wife gets naked and asks hubby, "what turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?".

Hubby looks her up and down and replies, "your fucking sense of humour".

 

 

 

Saw that NSPCC advert a while back: "Jenny's uncle makes her do things that, as a child, she doesn't understand..."

 

I thought "Sudoku?"

[SayOne]

Three women were in the waiting room of a gynecologist, and each of them was knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be. The first one stopped and took a pill.

"What was that?" The others asked her.

"Oh, it was Vitamin C - I want my baby to be healthy." A few minutes later, another woman took a pill.

"What was that?" the others asked.

"Oh, it was iron - I want my baby to be big and strong."

They continued knitting. Finally the third woman took a pill.

"What was that?" the others asked her.

"It was thalidomide," she said, "I just can't get the arms right on this fucking sweater!"

 

LOL!!!

[xHOPEx]

so there are 5 people on a plane

George Bush, Jesse Jackson, A boyscout, a priest, and the pilot. The pilot goes outside the cockpit and announces. I got some bad news and some worse news. There is a bird in the jet engine and the plane is going down.

"Jesse Jackson- well whats the worse news"

THere are only 4 parachutes.

So the Pilot jumps off with the first one

George Bush gets one and says I am the president, i deserve a parachute to live. And jumps off

Jesse Jackson grabs one and says im the smartest black person in the world, and jumps

The priest turns to the little boyscout and says, you may take the last one my son.

"are you sure?"

Yes i have made my peace with god and lived a good life.

"alright"

Boyscout walks over, walks back and gives the priest a paracute.

The priest asks I thought there was only 4 parachutes.

"Well didnt you see, the smartest nigga in the world grabbed my backpack"

 

LAUGH AT THIS SHIT!!

BRING THIS BACK TO LIFE!

[publicenemyno.3]

what starts with "f" and ends with "uck"?

 

 

 

firetruck

[itsallafarce]

so there are 5 people on a plane

George Bush, Jesse Jackson, A boyscout, a priest, and the pilot. The pilot goes outside the cockpit and announces. I got some bad news and some worse news. There is a bird in the jet engine and the plane is going down.

"Jesse Jackson- well whats the worse news"

THere are only 4 parachutes.

So the Pilot jumps off with the first one

George Bush gets one and says I am the president, i deserve a parachute to live. And jumps off

Jesse Jackson grabs one and says im the smartest black person in the world, and jumps

The priest turns to the little boyscout and says, you may take the last one my son.

"are you sure?"

Yes i have made my peace with god and lived a good life.

"alright"

Boyscout walks over, walks back and gives the priest a paracute.

The priest asks I thought there was only 4 parachutes.

"Well didnt you see, the smartest nigga in the world grabbed my backpack"

 

LAUGH AT THIS SHIT!!

BRING THIS BACK TO LIFE!

 

 

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[statenisland]

An Indian man dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates.

 

"Yes, how can I help?" asks St Peter.

 

"I'm here to meet Jesus," says the Indian man.

 

St Peter looks over his shoulder and shouts, "Jesus, your cab is here!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jesus walks into a motel, throws a bag of nails on the counter and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What's the difference between real Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

 

It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Catholic priest, a Boy Scout leader and a lawyer take some boys out on an adventure trip. On the flight over, there is engine trouble and the plane is about to go down.

 

"We have a problem", says the pilot. "There are only three parachutes!"

 

The Boy Scout leader suggests they give them to the boys.

 

"Screw the boys," shouts the lawyer.

 

"Is there time?" asks the priest.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A little girl is standing on top of a cliff, looking down at the sea and crying her eyes out. A priest approaches and says, "My child, why are you so upset?"

 

The little girl turns to him and says, "My mummy and daddy were in their car – and it just rolled over the cliff and smashed on the rocks down there."

 

The priest slowly looks around him while unbuttoning his cassock and says, "It's just not your day, is it?"

[pat-the-baker]

ahahahhah

[El Vergudo]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Catholic priest, a Boy Scout leader and a lawyer take some boys out on an adventure trip. On the flight over, there is engine trouble and the plane is about to go down.

 

"We have a problem", says the pilot. "There are only three parachutes!"

 

The Boy Scout leader suggests they give them to the boys.

 

"Screw the boys," shouts the lawyer.

 

"Is there time?" asks the priest.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A little girl is standing on top of a cliff, looking down at the sea and crying her eyes out. A priest approaches and says, "My child, why are you so upset?"

 

The little girl turns to him and says, "My mummy and daddy were in their car – and it just rolled over the cliff and smashed on the rocks down there."

 

The priest slowly looks around him while unbuttoning his cassock and says, "It's just not your day, is it?"

 

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