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offensive jokes..


graffsurgeon

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  • 3 months later...
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what do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?

 

run, cos the grenade is in the other hand

 

 

 

 

whats blue and fucks your granny?

 

 

hypothermia.

 

 

 

 

What do you call a leper in the bath?

 

 

porridge.

 

 

Whats big pink and wrinkly and hangs out your pants?

 

 

your mum.

 

 

old, but i think you will agree, funny.

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  • 2 months later...

Two South Texas farmers, Jim and Ed, are sitting at their favorite bar drinking beer. Jim turns to Ed and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college and sign up for some classes."

Ed thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day Jim goes down to the college and meets the dean of admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: math, English, history, and logic.

"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"

The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weedeater?"

"Yeah."

"Then logically because you own a weedeater, I think that you would have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."

"I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."

"Yes, I do have a wife."

"And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing; you were able to find out all of that because I have a weedeater?"

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the dean's hand and leaves to go meet Ed at the bar. He tells Ed about his classes, how he is signed up for math, English, history, and logic.

"Logic?" Ed says, "What's that?"

Jim says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weedeater?"

"No."

"Then you're a queer."

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A doctor had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty the next day. No matter how hard he tried to forget about it, his shame and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.

Yet, every once in a while he'd hear a reassuring voice in his head that said, "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patents."

But then he would hear another voice, one that jolted him back to reality. "You are a sick bastard, " it whispered, "and a terrible veterinarian."

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Katie is five years old. Tomorrow will be her birthday.

"Dad, guess how old I'll be tomorrow?"

"Don't know," he replies.

"I'll be six!"

She goes into the kitchen and sees her Grandad.

"Grandad, guess how old I'll be tomorrow?"

"To answer that I need you to remove your knickers".

So she does that and he sniffs them. Then he fingers her, smells his finger and licks them.

"You will be six tomorrow" he says.

"How do you know that?" she asks.

"I overheard you talking to your dad," he answers.

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Q. What's green and black, and has at least four nipples?

A. The trashbag outside a breast cancer clinic!

 

 

Q: What is the best thing about fucking twenty six year olds?

A: There are twenty of them

 

 

 

One day, a man walked into a bar. He say's to the bartender, "If I

show you the most amazing thing in your life, will you give me

five free beers?"

 

The bartender says, "Show me this amazing thing first."

 

So the man takes out a 10 inch man and a tiny piano.

 

The 10 inch man starts playing the piano. The bartender scratches

his head and says, "Wow, that is amazing. Here are your five

beers. How did you do that?"

 

"There is a magic lamp outside. Rub it and a genie comes out and

will grant you one wish."

 

So the bartender goes outside, finds the lamp, and rubs it. Then

the genie comes out and says "I am the genie of this lamp. I will

grant one wish. Choose carefully."

 

"I want 10,000,000 bucks." As soon as he made his wish, 10,000,000

ducks came out of nowhere.

 

The bartender goes back into the bar.

 

"Boy" he says to the man, "that genie sure does have bad hearing."

 

The man answers: "I know, did you really think I asked for a 10

inch pianist?"

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  • 3 months later...

Why do black people smell bad?

-So blind people can hate them too.

 

Whats the worst part about having sex with a 6 year old?

-Washing the blood off your clown suit

 

Whats the best part about having sex with a 4 year old?

-Hearing the pelvis bone crack

 

Whats the Difference between a pile of dead babies and a Lamborghini?

- I dont have a Lamborghini in my garage

 

How many babies does it take to paint a wall red?

-Depends on how hard you throw them

 

Whats the difference between a truck load of babies and a truck load of water?

-Cant unload water with a pitch fork

 

How many Jews can you fit in a civic?

-100, 4 in the seats and 96 in the ash tray.

 

Probably posted repeats but idc.

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  • 1 month later...

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