Poop Man Bob Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 <knock knock> Oh hi, how's it going? It's me! Every girl ever. I'm really looking forward to this date. I'm not nearly as attractive as you remember me being because when we met the bar was dark and you were drunk. Come on in. Let's start off with the unavoidable tour of my incredibly typical post-college-girl apartment. You'll notice that I went ahead and purchased everything that Ikea and Pier 1 have ever produced. There's my decorative birdcage over there even though I don't have a bird, and there's my gay wicker basket with bamboo poles in it. I don't know what the hell that's thing's all about, but I bought it. Hey check it out, I have more candles in here than a Roman Catholic Church. Doesn't it smell like Hazelnut!? If I were to light all of my candles at once you could see my apartment from space! I fucking love candles! Come on into the living room. Oh, I see you met my cat there. That's "Freddy Paws Jr." Why don't you pet him and act like you like cats even though you hate cats? There you go. Oh, he took a little swing at your eye there huh? Yeah, he'll do that. Hey, let's check out the kitchen. Hey look at my refrigerator. There are pictures all over it! Look at all these pictures of me and my equally vacuous friends from college! We were so crazy! You can tell we're really good friends because our faces are all pressed up against each other like that. And check it out, we're holding up alcoholic beverages to the camera in every single picture. That's to prove that we were partying. College was so fun! But of course I don't talk to any of these girls anymore because now they're all bitches. Let's go back into the hallway! Hey, before we leave I'm going to go in the bathroom for ten minutes for some mysterious reason. Why don't you sit awkwardly in my big, stupid, round papizan chair over there while you wait for me. It's like you're sitting in a hug! Be right back... Sorry that took a half an hour, I don't know what the hell I was doing in there. Let's go! Wow! Thanks for opening my car door for me! I'm totally going to blow that meaningless gesture out of proportion and delude myself into thinking that you're a really good guy because that's what I want to believe. Well, here we are at the restaurant. No thanks waiter, I don't need to see a menu, just bring me some expensive things. Hey I know, while we wait, I'll tell you all about my unspeakably boring job. I hate my boss. He's a jerk! I might get another job. Maybe something in pharmaceutical sales. Now let's talk about my family. I love my family. I want you to love my family. I want my family to love you. I want you to make love to my family! I want you to go golfing with my semi-retarded brother Travis. That would be so God damned cute! Wow! I can't believe I ordered all this food! I have no intention of eating any of it. No thanks waiter, we don't need a box. Just throw it out. Hey, I've got an idea, let's go to a bar and have an after dinner drink! It'll be great, it will be just like how we're drinking here, only it will be louder and we'll have to stand up. Come on! See, isn't this better? Oh hey, what a coincidence. Look over there! It's a group of my friends that I knew was going to be here. Let's go over there so that they can judge you! Hey, I have to go to the bathroom for a half an hour again for some reason. You can stay here and talk to my unbelievably hideous friend Christine! Christine's so ugly she scares kids! Talk to her! She has a job and a family that she wants to talk to you about too. Be right back. I'm back! Sorry I was gone for three hours, there was a line. I want to go home now. Well here we are at my door again. This was really fun for me and not you. You should pretend like we're going to do it again sometime! Maybe I'll see you at Target a few months from now and we can avoid eye contact because you never called me. Here, have this awkward goodnight kiss that's as empty as my soul. Good night! - by Mike Polk. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HESHIANDET Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 wtf bro? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Some1 Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 Wow...are you watching me? Thats is every date I have been on for the last 9 months... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClueTwo Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 the truth has been spoken... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
After School Special Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 POST OF THE CENTURY!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jbrshmonster Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 "Here, have this awkward goodnight kiss that's as empty as my soul. " pmb! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amorphic Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 hahaha holy shit Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spellbound Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 wow...that was awesome. I'm so glad i have a steady girl and don't have to do that shit these days. that shit fuckin sucks. well done man...you nailed that shit to a T! If you've ever seen Bill Burr's standup he's got a great girly voice that he uses to make fun of his girlfriend. I picture that said in the same voice Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrishCarBombs Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 nooooooo pooooooppyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Schnitzel Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 Damn Dude! I like the way you've written it. On point! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
r o n d a Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 hahaha pmb wins Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abracadabra Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 and that's why i've never been on a "date" in my life Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
InnerCityRebel Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 another fine thread by PMB..Solid Gold Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iloveboxcars Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 poop man whitney houston edit: the reason i said this is the "im every girl ever" part in the title (you know.. iiiiiim every woman its all in meeeeee) and didnt realize that this was some sort of something rather until i read it. ok. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VAJ Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 Oh, he took a little swing at your eye there huh? :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frate_Raper Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 AHAHAHAHAHAHAH i want to write the trshy high school educated version of this! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
count chocula Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 approval ! + 1 zing Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spellbound Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 AHAHAHAHAHAHAH i want to write the trshy high school educated version of this! please do Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
transparent Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 oh besst!! on point!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
malca Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 i love pier one. fuck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NerdUnit Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 Ha! I dated a girl with the bamboo in the jar. I was WTF is this all about. Answer: I don't know. Hilarious essay. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hayabusa Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 dude you're awesome you should write a book Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
papa_dukes Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 kickass. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jake Stevens Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 this is too funny fo'serious! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
^ . ^ Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 that was magical. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
~KRYLON2~ Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 haha why do girls always go to the washroom all the time? must be to puke all that expensive food you bought them out in the toilet..bitches Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boxcarrapist Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 wonderful Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dick Quickwood Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 bahaha! that pretty much fleshes it out Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skullnbones Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 double post idiot Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skullnbones Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 PMB > Everybody/everything. Never had to deal with one of these painfully awkward situations. Damned if i ever will. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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