the_gooch Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 That was seriously one of the funniest things I've ever read on here, and in general. maybe because I've been on so many dates that were just like that. oh and also: "It's like you're sitting in a hug!" awesome! and "See, isn't this better? Oh hey, what a coincidence. Look over there! It's a group of my friends that I knew was going to be here. Let's go over there so that they can judge you!" hahahaha. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
El Mamerro Posted January 11, 2007 Share Posted January 11, 2007 And this, my friends, is how you make a worthwhile thread. Poopster, you should stop by more often. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
26SidedCube Posted January 11, 2007 Share Posted January 11, 2007 HAHAHAH! A+ Execution. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vacuum cleaner Posted January 11, 2007 Share Posted January 11, 2007 oh my god. that was awesome. so true, hahahahahahahahahahaha. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shitting Posted January 11, 2007 Share Posted January 11, 2007 yeah fuck a date I do alright without ever going on one Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shitting Posted January 11, 2007 Share Posted January 11, 2007 a lawyer who can right huh? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iloveboxcars Posted January 11, 2007 Share Posted January 11, 2007 "who can right" ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hayabusa Posted January 11, 2007 Share Posted January 11, 2007 It's like you're sitting in a hug! this was by far the best line, and i think it sums up the entire thing nicely i will also use this line in my every day speak thakns Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smuf Posted January 11, 2007 Share Posted January 11, 2007 I laughed my fucking ass off they should make this into a short film.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Avancier2 Posted January 11, 2007 Share Posted January 11, 2007 so true, we've all been there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steve Miller Posted January 11, 2007 Share Posted January 11, 2007 fucking brilliant. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
greensleeves Posted January 11, 2007 Share Posted January 11, 2007 oh my god, hilarious Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
isor357 Posted January 11, 2007 Share Posted January 11, 2007 that shit deserves A Pulletzer my dude. which is why no longer can these bitches get as much as a well drink out of Isorus Wrex. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boner9000 Posted January 11, 2007 Share Posted January 11, 2007 I see that you are a fan of Mike Polk also.. so allow me to post "Look at My Striped Shirt" Look at my button down striped shirt! Fucking look at it! This shirt means one thing! I'm coming home with some pussy tonight! That's right! It's been a long week at the office and it's time to blow off a little steam! I am a Junior Vice President! I have business cards that say "Junior Vice President" on them! They're glossy and magnificent! Here! Have one! Take it! My boys are coming out with me tonight! They all have striped shirts too! I figure we'll kick off the night with some Golden Tee! I am going to smack the shit out of that little white ball! It's going to be so fucking loud! I'll bet I can drive that pretend golf ball 600 fucking yards tonight! I'm that fucking pumped! I can almost taste those Jager Bombs right now! I fucking love Red Bull! I put it on my God damned cereal! I'm crushing one right now! I'm thinking about buying a boat this year! I'm gonna fight someone tonight! I pray to God someone makes eye contact with me! I will beat his ass! And God help him if he gets any blood on my striped shirt! If he does, I'll scrub it out with his dick and some bleach! I mean it! I'm gonna grind on girls asses tonight! You heard me! When I see a group of girls dancing in a circle, I will select the most attractive one and dry hump her until it hurts! I will rub my cock against her so that she can feel my throbbing hard on! I will valet tonight! I will treat the valet with contempt and make sure that he knows that I am superior to him in life! I will tell him to "Take it easy on the brakes, Champ"! I will talk to people I don't know about my job tonight! They will all know that I am an important man! I will call female bartenders "Babe" and male bartenders "Chief"! When I do not hook up with a girl at that club, I will say that the place is "full of skanks"! We will wait in a long line to go to another bar only to strike out again! I will give up and decide to order a gyro off of a street vendor! I will make fun of him to my friends for being foreign! I will look ridiculous purchasing my gyro because people will be able to tell by my striped shirt and tinted sunglasses that I struck out and am settling for a gyro! I will make one last attempt to hook up by trying to coax two big girls who are also ordering gyros to coming back to my place for "after hours"! When they say no I will make fun of them for being fat! I will leave! When I get home I will go to the bathroom and hold the straight razor to my wrist again! I will gently drag the razor laterally against my vein, making sure not to actually cut myself! I will then go to my room and pass out! I will need some shut eye so that I'll be ready to fucking party again tomorrow! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
El Jefe Uno Posted January 11, 2007 Share Posted January 11, 2007 Hahahaha Fucking awesome Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
suca Posted January 11, 2007 Share Posted January 11, 2007 that was magical. ...should we be offended? laugh with them? make it known we're not like that? i dont know... but yea funny shit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gein Posted January 11, 2007 Share Posted January 11, 2007 you know what they're doing in the bathroom for all that time don't you? irritable bowel syndrome Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hayabusa Posted January 11, 2007 Share Posted January 11, 2007 dude u could totally make this a short movie just have the two ppl engaged in conversation, and have what you wrote be like them thinking aloud. it would be awesome Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
civilized neanderthal Posted January 11, 2007 Share Posted January 11, 2007 A+ thread. Shits the truuuuuuuuuuuuf Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shaolinmasta Posted January 11, 2007 Share Posted January 11, 2007 Who is that Mike Polk guy man? Shits hilarious Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HydrogenPeroxide Posted January 11, 2007 Share Posted January 11, 2007 And this, my friends, is how you make a worthwhile thread. Poopster, you should stop by more often. needs to be said again. awesome essay. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coffeedependency Posted January 11, 2007 Share Posted January 11, 2007 And this, my friends, is how you make a worthwhile thread. Poopster, you should stop by more often. agreed! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boner9000 Posted January 11, 2007 Share Posted January 11, 2007 http://www.thephatphree.com/profile.asp?aID=9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mississippi Mud Posted January 11, 2007 Share Posted January 11, 2007 First off, let me say this, I am totally bummed about my father being murdered. That sucks. Hard. My dad was a good dude and he'll be missed. I also want to make it clear that I have every intention of punishing the crime syndicate responsible for his untimely death by personally inflicting fiery justice on each of his assassins. They will feel my wrath and vengeance will be mine. However, with that being said, this week is really super bad for me, so it's going to have to wait a little while. But it's definitely on my to-do list. Stuff's crazy at work right now. Justin's on vacation, so we're already down one manager. And this new guy they just hired still has no clue what he's doing, so it's pretty much just me and Gretchen running the whole Kinkos. Not a good week to be coming in all groggy after pursuing merciless revenge on your father's killers till all hours the night before. In retrospect, it wasn't such a hot idea to announce at the funeral that "the streets would run red with the blood of those responsible for this abomination." Who talks like that? I guess I kind of got carried away in the spirit of the occasion. It just seemed like the right thing to say. I've always had a flair for the dramatic and I was hamming it up a bit for the crowd. There were also a few cute girls from my dad's work there and I was probably turning it on a little strong to score points with them. Big mistake. Now everyone who attended most likely expects me to follow through on my lofty vow. Balls. So I guess I'll have to learn some fucking martial arts now. Which will probably take, like, forever. It's not like in the movies where I could just train during a two-minute musical montage featuring some shitty Survivor song and then all of a sudden I'm sweet. I'm actually going to have to enroll in some classes and practice. It'll also probably set me back a few bucks. Like I need that right now. Although I think I saw a coupon in the Sunday magazine from the paper. I remember I took a couple of karate classes when I was a kid, but I quit after two lessons because this fat kid in the group kept beating my ass. I still say that those classes should be divided by weight and not age, because fat kids are just way stronger than normal kids. That's just science. You know what? Not to play the gender card here, but I suppose it would be completely inconceivable for one of my sisters to avenge dad's death. That's totally off the table. See, that's the thing about women. They all want equal pay and equal treatment until it's time to seek vengeance on your parent's murderers. Then they're all, "I'm just a girl". Such horseshit. Man, just thinking about all of those henchmen that I'm going to have to fight my way through to get to the kingpin responsible for ordering my dad's hit makes my back hurt. In all honesty, I'm not in very good shape. I don't think I've exercised since seventh grade kickball. Maybe I should take a step class. And I suppose I need to find some kind of a mentor. A wizened master who will teach me humility and help me overcome my tortured psychological past through physical discipline and meditation. He'll instruct me on how to focus my rage and channel my fury to help me achieve my vicious reprisal. But where the hell do I find a mentor? Craig's List? Man. You know, the funny thing is my dad and I weren't really even that close. I mean, we talked once every couple of weeks on the phone and I saw him on holidays and stuff. But it's not like we were super-tight or anything. He'd only been to my apartment like, twice. And I've been living here for three years. That makes this whole thing all the more frustrating. I wonder how much it would cost to have someone else avenge my dad's death. No, don't even think about it, Mike. He was your dad, this is your responsibility. Damn it. Well, it's decided then. Next week I really buckle down and start training so I can bring dad's assailants to justice and give my father the peace in the afterlife that he so richly deserves. Wait, you know what? I just remembered that my buddy Tyler from college is going to be in town from Arizona next week and I said I'd hang out. Plus we've got that banner-printing seminar at work on Tuesday night. So next week's out. But I am going to do this. Do you hear me, father?! Mark these words, for this is my sacred betrothal to thee! The sweet sting of retribution will be felt by all those who wronged you, as soon as my schedule opens up a little!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Poop Man Bob Posted January 11, 2007 Author Share Posted January 11, 2007 Thanks for all the "awesomes" and "hilarious"-es, but I didn't write it. I got it in a forward. I guess I should have made that clear. I guess the link provided above is to the author, Mike Polk. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harvey Wallbanger Posted January 11, 2007 Share Posted January 11, 2007 Whatever, at least you made a good thread. That was awesome enough. And to think, all threads used to be this funny. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Poop Man Bob Posted January 11, 2007 Author Share Posted January 11, 2007 boner, that striped shirt one is fucking awesome. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PUMPKIN ESCOBAR Posted January 11, 2007 Share Posted January 11, 2007 maaaaaaaaaannnnnnn, this dude spits dat hot fiyah! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skullnbones Posted January 11, 2007 Share Posted January 11, 2007 I just thought about the amount of people that would read this stuff and not get it. To them it would read as just a guys normal thoughts with no sarcasm. I love being me and not them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Weapon X Posted January 11, 2007 Share Posted January 11, 2007 HAHAHA, WICKED! Totally true. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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