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A Texas man claiming to be a 500-year-old vampire allegedly broke into a woman's apartment and bit her on the neck, later yelling at police that he "didn't want to have to feed on humans".

 

Lyle Monroe Bensley allegedly broke into the Galveston home and punched the woman, who has not been identified, in bed before dragging her into the hall, pinning her down and biting her neck, ABC News reports.

 

The woman managed to escape and call police who later found 19-year-old Bensley in a nearby car park, hissing and growling, wearing only his boxer shorts.

 

Police said Bensley climbed two fences to get away from them, all the while yelling that he "didn't want to have to feed on humans".

 

The teenager was taken to Galveston County Jail where he told guards to restrain him for their own safety, gnashing his teeth as if he wanted to bite them, police said.

 

He has been charged with burglary with intent to commit assault.

 

Police said the attack was horrific for the victim, who told them she had never seen Bensley before in her life.

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Hunt, through his attorney, Thomas Dewey, of Dewey, Cheatham and Howe, sued Heinz in state court in New York demanding that Heinz cease and desist from referring to the product as ketchup, or, in the alternative, to pay Hunt an amount in excess of one buttload of money. Heinz, through his attorney, the noted trial lawyer Horace Sazass, sued Hunt in federal court in Pennsylvania, demanding that Hunt cease and desist from marketing his product as "catsup" or that he be required to include cat by-products in the formula. On Heinz's motion, the state case was remanded to federal court, and the two cases were consolidated. Both sides used particularly nasty lawyer tactics.

 

The case was tried before Hon. Oscar J. Mayer, a native of Hamburg, Germany, who immigrated to America as a child. Mayer issues a scathing decision in which he declared: "This case is the biggest bunch of baloney I have ever seen. What kind of a weenie would even bring a case like this? I hereby order both litigants to be flogged, their companies dissolved and all proceeds delivered to me, personally, in care of the City Bank of New York, and their children sold into slavery. Further more, I don't give a Royal Flying Rat's Ass about whether you call it catsup or ketchup. I mean, really."

 

On appeal, the Appellate Court tossed the case out of court and fined each attorney a thousand dollars, issuing the opinion "Who cares?"

 

Eventually the case made it to the Supreme Court. The case was argued on the grounds that it was a violation of everyone's Constitutional rights to be forced to spell the same word, for the same product, two different ways, and, besides, Judge Mayer is a nutjob. The Chief Justice, in one of History's great ironies, was Warren Burger. Before the Court, both sides argued furiously. During court they both kept their tempers.

 

Eventually, the justices went back to the Batcave to deliberate. The Court was split 4-4 on strict taste-test lines. It was up to Burger to cast the deciding vote. Burger cast his vote in favor of maintaining the current double spelling practice. In his majority decision he quoted Benjamin Franklin, "It mattereth not how Ye chuse to spel particular Words in our language, Nay, what mattereth is that We calleth a spade a spade". Writing the dissenting opinion, Justice Felix Frankfurter noted: "That's stupid Burger! WTF? Should we start spelling Mustard 'mouseturd?'

 

Why waste people's time by writing this propaganda?....go watch Faux News and vote for a Republican or something else you do that holds back the human race..

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http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2026538/Mayor-takes-divorce-spat-public-dumping-20-tonne-boulder-ex-wifes-driveway.html

 

The mayor of a small Canadian town is under police investigation after dumping a 20-tonne, gift-wrapped boulder on his ex-wife’s driveway.

 

Dany Larivière, who is the mayor of Saint-Théodore-d’Acton, near Montreal, claims to have deposited the rock in Isabelle Prévost’s driveway in a bid to get her to stop harassing him.

 

Mr Larivière, who also owns an excavation company, sprayed the rock with fluorescent orange birthday greetings and topped it off with a pink bow

 

 

article-2026538-0D71BB0500000578-685_634x411.jpg

article-2026538-0D731BA300000578-94_306x423.jpg

 

She never had a rock big enough for her tastes, now she has one. That’s the biggest rock she’ll ever get in her life,’ he added, claiming the boulder was a ‘gift’

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Some stupid fuck who lives on the other side of the country is trying to pick a fight with me via facebook, sending me threatening messages and e-harassing me like I could give a fuck. Pure nonsense. I've been baiting him and pushing his buttons too for extra lols. Any advice/ideas on how to keep the lols rolling in?

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_54645279_cowinladder464.jpg

 

An animal charity has rescued a cow in South Ayrshire which got its head stuck in a ladder. Members of the public called the Scottish SPCA after spotting the bewildered beast in a field beside the Troon to Barassie road last month.

 

An inspector contacted the farmer who owned the Belgian Blue bullock and helped return it to the herd unharmed. The farmer, who recently took on the lease to the land, said he had no idea how the ladder ended up in the field.

 

Scottish SPCA Inspector Kerry Kirkpatrick contacted the farmer after being alerted to the cow's plight.

 

He said: "When the job came through my first thought was, this is a wind up, but I arrived at the field to find the cow looking confused but surprisingly calm despite having his head wedged tightly in between the rungs of the ladder.

 

"The farmer's family rounded up the whole herd into a holding pen and we managed to gently pull the ladder off the cow's head.

 

"The farmer had no idea how the ladder ended up in his field as he only recently took on the lease for the land. It may have been used to patch up a hole in the fence or it could have fallen off a passing van or lorry. Either way, it's a rescue I won't forget in a while.

 

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Some stupid fuck who lives on the other side of the country is trying to pick a fight with me via facebook, sending me threatening messages and e-harassing me like I could give a fuck. Pure nonsense. I've been baiting him and pushing his buttons too for extra lols. Any advice/ideas on how to keep the lols rolling in?

 

yes, first you gotta screen shot all the pm's and show us.

then we can have his personal info and lul with him ourselfs.

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yes, first you gotta screen shot all the pm's and show us.

then we can have his personal info and lul with him ourselfs.

 

START NEW THREAD FOR PROPER ORGANIZATION OF LOL FACTOR.

 

EVENTUALLY SAYING YOU HAVE A RELATIVE YOU ARE GOING TO VISIT A STATE AWAY OR SO FROM SAID E-THUG,

AND THAT YOU GUYS SHOULD MEET HALFWAY TO FIGHT WOULD BE SWEET AS THIS E-THUG WOULD WASTE TIME/GAS DRIVING TO A NO SHOW*

 

 

 

(*INSERT PROBLEM? FACE)

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http://minneapolis.craigslist.org/hnp/fuo/2505248081.html

 

This coffee table is perfect for someone with a cocaine habit or shooting a porno movie.

As you can see from the photo, the majestic beauty of this coffee table rivals earthly treasures such as: the color of the sky at sunset, the laughter of a small child, and infidelity.

 

Qualities of the table:

-Carpeted

-Mirrored

-The muthertrucker spins

-Doesn't have any weird splotches under black lights

 

Due to the assumed large demand for this table, all inquirers will be subjected to a quiz to determine their level of badass-ity.

 

The price of the table is firm: $7.83, four cans of Chef Boyardee Beef Ravioli, and a framed photo of Betty White.

 

 

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