non-hetero Posted October 10, 2002 Share Posted October 10, 2002 Deserving it's own thread. Read it all. Funniest damn thing that has ever happened to me. A couple of weeks ago we decided to cruise out to Ryan's Steakhouse for dinner. It was a Wednesday night which means that macaroni and beef was on the hot bar, indeed the only night of the week that it is served. Wednesday night is also kid's night at Ryan's, complete with Dizzy the Clown wandering from table to table entertaining the little bastards. It may seem that the events about to be told have little connection to those two circumstances, but all will be clear in a moment. We went through the line and placed our orders for the all-you-can-eat hot bar then sat down as far away from the front of the restaurant as possible in order to keep the density of kids down a bit. Then I started my move to the hot bar. Plate after plate of macaroni and beef were consumed that evening, I tell you -- in all, four heaping plates of the pseudo-Italian ambrosia were shoved into my belly. I was sated. Perhaps bit too much, however. I had not really been feeling well all day, what with a bit of gas and such. By the time I had eaten four overwhelmed plates of food, I was in real trouble. There was so much pressure on my diaphragm that I was having trouble breathing. At the same time, the downward pressure was building. At first, I thought it was only gas which could have been passed in batches right at the table without to much concern. Unfortunately, that was not to be. After a minute or so it was clear that I was dealing with explosive diarrhea. It's amazing how grease can make its way through your intestines far faster than the food which spawned the grease to begin with, but I digress... I got up from the table and made my way to the bathroom. Upon entering, I saw two sinks immediately inside the door, two urinals just to the right of the sinks, and two toilet stalls against the back wall. One of them was a handicapped bathroom. Now, normally I would have gone to the handicapped stall since I like to stretch out a bit when I take a good shit, but in this case, the door lock was broken and the only thing I hate worse than my wife telling me to stop cutting my toenails with a pair of diagional wirecutters is having someone walk in on me while I am taking a shit. I went to the normal stall. In retrospect, I probably should have gone to the large, handicapped stall even though the door would not lock because that bit of time lost in making the stall switch proved to be a bit too long under the circumstances. By the time I had walked into the regular stall, the pressure on my ass was reaching Biblical proportions. I began "The Move." For those women who may be reading this, let me take a moment to explain "The Move." Men know exactly what their bowels are up to at any given second. And when the time comes to empty the cache, a sequence of physiological events occur that can not be stopped under any circumstances. There is a move men make that involves simultaneously approaching the toilet, beginning the body turn to position ones ass toward said toilet, hooking ones fingers into ones waistline, and pulling down the pants while beginning the squat at the same time. It is a very fluid motion that, when performed properly, results in the flawless expulsion of shit at the exact same second that ones ass is properly placed on the toilet seat. Done properly, it even assures that the choad is properly inserted into the front rim of the toilet in the event that the piss stream lets loose at the same time; it is truly a picture of coordination rivaling that of a skilled ballet dancer. I was about half-way into "The Move" when I looked down at the floor and saw a pile of vomit that had been previously expelled by one of those little bastards attending kids night; it was mounded up in the corner so I did not notice it when I had first walked into the stall. Normally, I would not have been bothered by such a thing, but I had eaten so much and the pressure upward was so intense, that I hit a rarely experienced gag reflex. And once that reflex started, combined with the intense pressure upward caused by the bloated stomach, four plates of macaroni and beef started coming up for a rematch. What happened next was so quick that the exact sequence of events are a bit fuzzy, but I will try to reconstruct them as best I can. In that moment of impending projectile vomiting, my attention was diverted from the goings-on at the other end. To put a freeze frame on the situation, I was half crotched down to the toilet, pants pulled down to my knees, with a load of vomit coming up my esophagus. Now, most of you know that vomiting takes precidence over shit no matter what is about to come slamming out of your ass. It is apparently an evolutionary thing since shitting will not kill you, but vomiting takes a presence of mind to accomplish so that you do not aspirate any food into the bronchial tubes and perhaps choke to death. My attention was thus diverted. At that very split second, my ass exploded in what can only be described as a wake...you know, as in a newspaper headline along the lines of "30,000 Killed In Wake of Typhoon Fifi" or something similar. In what seemed to be most suitably measured in cubic feet, an enormous plug of shit the consistancy of thick mud with embedded pockets of greasy liquid came flying out of my ass. But remember, I was only half-way down on the toilet at that moment. The shit wave was of such force and of just such an angle in relation to the back curve of the toilet seat that it ricocheted off the back of the seat and slammed into the wall at an angle of incidence equal to the angle at which it initally hit the toilet seat. Then I sat down. Recall that when that event occured, I was already half-way to sitting anyway and had actually reached the point of no return. I have always considered myself as relatively stable gravitationally, but when you get beyond a certain point, you're going down no matter how limber you may be. Needless to say, the shit wave, though of considerable force, was not so sufficient so as to completely glance off the toilet seat and deposit itself on the walls, unlike what you would see when hitting a puddle with a high-pressure water hose; even though you throw water at the puddle, the puddle gets moved and no water is left to re-form a puddle. There was a significant amount of shit remaining on about one-third of the seat rim which I had now just collapsed upon. Now, back to the vomit... While all the shitting was going on, the vomit was still on its way up. By the time I had actually collapsed on the toilet, my mouth had filled up with a goodly portion of the macaroni and beef I had just consumed. OK, so what does the human body instinctively do when vomiting? One bends over. So I bent over. I was still sitting on the toilet, though. Therefore, bending over resulted in me placing my head above my now slightly-opened legs, positioned in between my knees and waist. Also directly above my pants which were now pulled down to a point just midway between my knees and my ankles. Oh, did I mention that I was wearing not just pants, but sweat pants with elastic on the ankles? In one mighty push, some three pounds of macaroni and beef, two or three Cokes, and a couple of Big, Fat Yeast Rolls were deposited in my pants...on the inside...with no ready exit at the bottom down by my feet. In the next several seconds, there were a handful of farts, a couple of turds, and the event ended, yet I was now sitting there with my pants full of vomit, my back covered in shit that had bounced off the toilet, spattered on three ceramic-tiled walls to a height of about five feet, and still had enough force to come back at me, covering the back of my shirt with droplets of liquid shit. All while thick shit was spread all over my ass in a ring curiously in the shape of a toilet seat. And there was no fucking toilet paper. What could I do but laugh. I must have sounded like a complete maniac to the guy who then wandered into the bathroom. He actually asked if I was OK since I was laughing so hard I must have sounded like I was crying hysterically. I calmed down just enough to ask him if he would get the manager. And told him to have the manager bring some toilet paper. When the manager walked in, he brought the toilet paper with him, but in no way was prepared for what happened next. I simply told him that there was no way I was going to explain what was happening in the stall, but that I needed several wet towels and I needed him to go ask my wife to come help me. I told him where we were sitting and he left. At that point, I think he was probably assuming that I had pissed just a bit in my pants or something similarly benign. About two minutes later, my wife came into the bathroom not knowing what was wrong and with a certain amount of worry in her voice. I explained to her (still laughing and having trouble getting out words) that I had a slight accident and needed her help. Knowing that I had experienced some close calls in the past, she probably assumed that I had laid down a small turd or something and just needed to being the car around so we could bolt immediately. Until I asked her, I'm sure she had no idea that she was about to go across the street and purchase me new underwear, new socks, new pants, a new shirt, and (by that time due to considerable leakage around the elastic ankles thingies) new sneakers. And she then started to laugh herself since I was still laughing. She began to ask for an explanation as to what had happened when I promised her that I would tell her later, but that I just needed to handle damage control for the time being. She left. The manager then came back in with a half-dozen wet towels and a few dry ones. I asked him to also bring a mop and bucket upon which he assured me that they would clean up anything that needed to be cleaned. Without giving him specific details, I explained that what was going on in that stall that night was far in excess of what I would expect anyone to deal with, what with most of the folks working at Ryan's making minimum wage of just slightly above. At that moment, I think it dawned on him exactly the gravity of the situation. Then that manager went so far above the call of duty that I will be eternally grateful for his actions. He hooked up a hose. Fortunately, commercial bathrooms are constructed with tile walls and tile floors and have a drain in the middle of the room in order to make clean up easy. Fortunately, I was in a commercial bathroom. He hooked up the hose to the spigot located under the sink as I began cleaning myself up with the wet towels. Just as I was finishing, my wife got back with the new clothes and passed them into the stall, whereupon I stuffed the previously worn clothing into the plastic bag that came from the store, handing the bag to my wife. I finished cleaning myself off and carefully put on my new clothes, still stuck in the stall since I figured that it would be in bad taste to go out of the stall to get redressed in the event I happened to be standing there naked and some little bastard kid walked in. At that point, I had only made a mess; I had not yet committed a felony and intended to keep it that way. When I finished getting dressed, I picked up the hose and cleaned up the entire stall, washing down the remains toward the drain in the center of the room. I put down the hose and walked out of the bathroom. I had intended to go to the manager and thank him for all he had done, but when I walked out, three of the management staff were there to greet me with a standing ovation. I started laughing so hard that I thought I was going to throw up again, but managed to scurry out to the car where my wife was now waiting to pick me up by the front door. The upshot of all this is that I strongly recommend eating dinner at Ryan's Steak House. They have, by far, the nicest management staff of any restaurant in which I have eaten. 5 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pistol Posted October 10, 2002 Share Posted October 10, 2002 http://pistol.fuccyou.com/12oz/firsties01.gif'> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dirty_habiT Posted October 10, 2002 Share Posted October 10, 2002 second. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhAt_dA_fUcK Posted October 10, 2002 Share Posted October 10, 2002 uhh....yea what he said....:confused: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kettiecat Posted October 10, 2002 Share Posted October 10, 2002 hehehehhehehhehe Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
non-hetero Posted October 10, 2002 Author Share Posted October 10, 2002 One of the few short stories that made me laugh and gag at the same time. Actually, only story that ever made me gag. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
destroya Posted October 10, 2002 Share Posted October 10, 2002 roflmfao. that's fucking hilarious. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest OVERsketched Posted October 10, 2002 Share Posted October 10, 2002 This is a funny story that almost made throw up as I was eating lunch at the time. And described in such detail it sems as if you were recording the occourance on a video camera....Nice one:D :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ronnie Dobbs Posted October 10, 2002 Share Posted October 10, 2002 read it yet again.. funny ass shit! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toyeattoywar Posted October 10, 2002 Share Posted October 10, 2002 number 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyKrink Posted October 10, 2002 Share Posted October 10, 2002 why i just sat and read that whole story is a wonder to me. but that honestly was very amusing and i couldnt stop laughing at the mental picture i had in my head of you in that stall is sitting on a toilet covered in your own shit while you puke all over yourself and stare at the wall which also had your shit all over it and laughing. well they say you learn something new everyday, and what did i learn today that before guys take a shit they start with "the move" very entertaining story. i wonder what brittney spears looks like when she is taking a shit? have any of you ever wondered or laughed at the thought of brittney spears (or whatever other girl does it for you) sitting on the john busting ass and pushing until her face is bright red while taking a shit? haha well i know i have thought about it, it makes me laugh. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vinyl junkie Posted October 10, 2002 Share Posted October 10, 2002 holy fucking fuck... that is the funniest thing i've read in a long time... :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pissdrunkwhat?! Posted October 10, 2002 Share Posted October 10, 2002 hahahahaha second time was just as good as the first this was such a funny story i saved it on my comp for later entertainment hahahahahahaha im gonna pee myself now Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest bug Posted October 10, 2002 Share Posted October 10, 2002 it's pretty well written. who wrote it? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Long Bus Posted October 10, 2002 Share Posted October 10, 2002 honk honk 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Basic Posted October 10, 2002 Share Posted October 10, 2002 brilliance ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
When Posted October 10, 2002 Share Posted October 10, 2002 the first time i read it in naks bday thread it was fuckin hilarious the fact that it was in a bday thread only added to it the second time i read it it was just as hilarious and now its saved on my computer Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
!@#$% Posted October 10, 2002 Share Posted October 10, 2002 bidumpo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KRONOLOGIK Posted October 10, 2002 Share Posted October 10, 2002 :spent: :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yoshy Posted October 10, 2002 Share Posted October 10, 2002 Originally posted by non-hetero One of the few short stories that made me laugh and gag at the same time. ME TOO HELLL YEAH, i thought i was actually going to puke. i had to pull my shirt up over my mouth Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nomadawhat Posted October 10, 2002 Share Posted October 10, 2002 Originally posted by non-hetero Read it all. well i was going to just say no here, but then i read some of the replies on the reply page and now i'm going to read. so hahahahahahahahaaha and ha in advance!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zorak Posted October 10, 2002 Share Posted October 10, 2002 well written with very little spelling errors i give it an "a-". 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nomadawhat Posted October 11, 2002 Share Posted October 11, 2002 Re: Re: Well, shit. Originally posted by nomadawhat well i was going to just say no here, but then i read some of the replies on the reply page and now i'm going to read. so hahahahahahahahaaha and ha in advance!!! almost forgot to read this, but i jsut rememebered. and let me tell you that was just about the funniest fucking thing ever.....oh fucking god, that is hilarious.....i'm fucking crying over here..... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Are2 Posted November 28, 2002 Share Posted November 28, 2002 a thanksgiving treat for all yall Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kr430n5_666 Posted November 29, 2002 Share Posted November 29, 2002 http://www.bloodletters.com/img/library3.jpg'> 'I AM MAYNOAISSE ELF WHORE. I AM FROM THE FROSTBITTEN REALMS OF THE LIBRARY. BRING ME TO THE HOSPITAL AND HELP ME GET MY GOOGLY EYES REMOVED THEN I WILL HAVE EYELESS SEX WITH YOUR DEMON DINK. IT WILL BE A GOOD TIME. MAYBE YOU WILL GET SO SEE OIL SHIT BLAST COME OUT OF MY GARGANTUAN ASS-SPIDER" 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
!@#$% Posted December 1, 2006 Share Posted December 1, 2006 i saw the shitting thread was bumped, this was the funniest imo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Some1 Posted December 1, 2006 Share Posted December 1, 2006 " empty the cache," I will forever use this... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnny ballbags Posted December 1, 2006 Share Posted December 1, 2006 awe. some. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrishCarBombs Posted December 1, 2006 Share Posted December 1, 2006 fucking whoa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
papa_dukes Posted December 1, 2006 Share Posted December 1, 2006 Too many damn words foo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.