sayWORD? Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 Got this two days ago... TO MY SON ON HIS BIRTHDAY BECAUSE I LOVE HIM please read on This is a difficult letter for me to write but I feel that these things need to be said. Each time we meet I always I send you a sms afterwards saying it was lovely to see you as usual, but tonight for the first time I can’t say that. Meeting you at the station tonight at 6 and you turning up drunk I felt so embarrassed (in front of xxxx). At nearly xx years of age you are too old to be drinking the way that you do and the amount that you do. Dropping you off at xxxx Valley tonight I had genuine concerns for your safety, the same way I would worry about you when you were 17. But you’re not 17 anymore. I know that you are not happy at the present time, but trying to compensate by drinking will not fix or solve any of your problems. Alcohol was the cause of you losing your job with xxxx and it was also involved when you fell off your bike and broke your xxxxx. How many more problems do you want it to cause for you? I know that you were able to stop drinking for 3 months when you were on crutches so I don’t believe that you have a physical addiction to alcohol. But I am concerned that you have a psychological dependence on alcohol and an unhealthy need for it. I think that over the years alcohol has become a habit, and that has now turned into a SERIOUS problem for you. You self medicate with alcohol and rely on it for confidence on social situations. You say that when you get a girlfriend / wife and have a family etc, you won’t drink any more. Have you ever to stop to think maybe alcohol is the reason why you are not attracting anyone at the present time? You met xxxxx when you were working, so she had a chance to see you and get to know you as you really are, do you think she still would have gone out with you if she had only met the intoxicated xxxxx? You are slowly destroying your health with alcohol. You aren’t eating properly. Have you ever considered the reason why you are never hungry is because you are substituting “beer calories” for food calories? You are underweight and often when I see you it is after a night spent drinking and you are look tired and haggard. I also don’t believe that turning up to work after nights of heavy drinking does not affect your performance at work. You have now been drinking for 18 plus years, how long do you think your liver can be expected to process large amounts of alcohol every night. Have another liver function test and see how your liver is progressing. How many times have you not been able to remember things that had happened the previous night?? I have also noticed you are becoming more forgetful which is not like you at all. Problems due to continuous heavy, overconsumption of alcohol will creep up on you slowly, but don’t kid yourself if you think this is not happening to you. What happens when you do have children, you need to be fit and healthy to be a good dad to them, to be able to provide financially for them, as well as being around to enjoy them. You are ruining your health by drinking too much. I’m sorry but I also don’t buy the excuse that you drink alcohol because are bored. If you are bored do something about it, make sure it is something positive, and not destructive. Alcohol is a depressant, so if you are feeling down ask yourself how much is alcohol solving this problem or how much is it contributing to it? Obviously alcohol on its own isn’t fixing anything for you or otherwise you wouldn’t feel the need to be smoking marijuana again. Like it or not marijuana is still illegal and being caught again with it will have consequences. Don’t take my word for all this though. Go and see your GP or better still, make an appointment with a Drug and Alcohol Counsellor and talk it over with them. You talk about being less tolerant / angrier, ask the counsellor about the relationship between depression and anger. From where I am standing I think alcohol has become a serious problem for you. You need to take a long hard look at yourself and think about the way you are at the moment and the way you are heading, does it make you the sort of person that someone else is going to be attractive to. You need to change your behaviour now in order to be attractive to others in the first place. If your ultimate aim is to meet a partner then you need to change behaviour / strategies now. Otherwise you will end up like the Rabbits just getting smashed each week and never winning the premiership. xxxxx, you are my first born son and I love you with all my heart. I am your biggest fan and supporter, I always have been and I always will be. I don’t want to lose you and my only wish is for you to be happy. xxxxx, I stood by you when he was 17 and it worked. Look at the great bloke you became. And I will always be there for you. Happiness / contentment is what is inside of you, we don’t become happy by trying to rearrange the “external things” in our lives. Translated this simply means I will be happy when …… I meet a partner, buy a new car, go on an overseas holiday etc etc But it doesn’t work that way. Happiness is what is inside of you, sounds simple but a lot of people fail to recognise this, and for others it is harder to achieve. Maybe you need to go and visit the people at the other end of your street instead of going to the pub all the time. Be your self son and don’t hide behind alcohol, let people see the real you. Because you are someone who is responsible by nature, who is smart, and funny and witty, and handsome and a genuinely nice person with a kind heart. xxxxx, know that I will always be there for you. I feel that we have always been pretty open and honest with each other and would like this to continue. There is probably still a lot that we don’t know about each other. Please know I will try and answer any of your questions or be willing to listen to you if there is anything you want to know about me or tell me about yourself. xxxxxx, I will always be there for you, if I can do anything please let me know. Love always Mum. I take my booze serious, seriously. brickos, i remember reading this in 2011 and i often find myself reflecting on this exact post throughout these last couple of years, i remember this shit even when im not online. im bumping this because after i worked up enough courage to tell my mom about my current situation, she had this to say: "thank God this happened to you, now i can get a full nights sleep knowing that you will not be able to drive your vehicle and end up killing yourself" i dont know you, but we got alot in common. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OhMyGosh! Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 ^^^I got a letter like that from both of my parents when I got sent to treatment for the first time. Reading it was rough. It took me a really long time to realize that drinking and doing other drugs was the problem. I just thought that I always felt awful..and there were times that using things helped me not feel as awful. Eventually, the things I knew how to do, stopped working. I got to the point where I had tried everything I could think of to feel better and I still felt shitty. Quitting was never a problem for me, I used to quit numerous times a day. Haha. For me, it was staying stopped. I struggled with the notion that I would never be able to do it again. That was really overwhelming and often just the thought of that was enough of a reason to pick up again. I know it sounds corny, but breaking things down into smaller pieces was a huge help for me. The concept of one day at a time, or even one hour, or one minute, was a lifesaver. The only thing that I have found to consistently work for me is going to meetings and working a 12 step program. It took me a long time to be able to say that..because at first, i thought it was really cult like, and everybody was full of shit and religious. I personally got to a point in my life where I didnt have any other option. I failed at killing myself on numerous occasions. I could never get high enough to feel better, I had pushed everybody away who was willing to help, and when I wanted to stop, I wasnt able to. I consider myself to be an alcoholic..and that means that I am physically different from those persons who do not have that affliction. 'Normal people' are able to manage or control the way they drink..I can not. I might be able to a few times, but If I drink the way I want to, I am unable to do it in moderation...and vice versa, if I do it in moderation, all Im thinking about is controlling it, and I am unable to have fun doing it. Something happens to me when I ingest that first one. I develop what I have come to know as the 'phenomenon of craving' where I cant stop and I place the getting and using of whatever I happen to be able to get and use ahead of pretty much everything in my life. I end up hurting the people I love, I neglect things that I once was passionate about, I become a shitty friend/son/employee/boyfriend/etc...mostly without even being aware that I am doing it at the time. If you are able to relate to any of this, maybe you are at a point where you might earnestly be willing to try something different. For me, things had to get bad enough to where I was willing to try living differently a shot. I have been clean for a long time now, and I am happy to say that for the most part, I no longer act like this and I consider myself to be happy. Feel free to shoot me a PM if you have any questions or whatever. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OhMyGosh! Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 Oh man!! 2 page starters in a row! Fuck yea! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shai Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 I don't talk to my family about this stuff. For the most part, they don't get it and just want to point fingers and place blame. Funny thing is, they've all had their bouts with what-have-you....I'm not sure how many of them are 12 steppers, since I never bothered to ask. Basically their approach is all wrong, so I just look elsewhere for support when I need it. I'd say that about 80-90% of my friends are in the same category, but overall tend to be a little less judgmental and a little more concerned. They've been around me more when I was at my (relative) worst and know what to expect, what I'm capable of, etc. Right now I'm dealing with someone who isn't taking my need for a break seriously. I've tried to explain to them that I'm making some changes in my life, and that I'm trying to stay away from any kind of drama or triggers. After all that, last night they asked me to come stay at their house because they invited someone over for a booty call and free drugs, and the person got weird and has been stalking them...I told them to tell that person to fade the fuck back or that they'll get shot in the back of the head by the neighbors. Now I'm the bad guy because I wouldn't put myself in a bad situation that they created that benefits me in no way. One good thing is that I can see all these things for what they are...they're signs that I'm probably doing the right thing and that some of my friends aren't pulling their weight. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brothhalynch Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 8 whole days fuck it im fine 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mackfatsoe Posted January 17, 2013 Share Posted January 17, 2013 this is the first time ive fucked up since i got clean and it sucks getting high for the most part just really stresses me out now because i know i have so little control over myself when im using. like when i was clean and got pissed or annoyed or bored and i really wanted to get high and feel good and be happy? and now ive been high for the last couple weeks and im depressed as fuck and hate myself and just feel fucked. its like you get to a certain point where giving your self what you want ends up stressing you out more than anything, and the stress outweighs the satisfaction and thie high and all of it. but i still cant flush the shit and walk away? coward Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RockTheCasbah Posted January 17, 2013 Share Posted January 17, 2013 Get a tennis ball and go play wall ball. It helped me not shoot up a few times this week. Just being active keeps the needle away. Right now it's cold, I'm depressed, and not clean. I need to go skate or something. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brothhalynch Posted January 27, 2013 Share Posted January 27, 2013 I couldn't. Make. It more than 20. Days fuck it back it alcoholic Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shai Posted January 27, 2013 Share Posted January 27, 2013 Still on the wagon. I did cave in and have a couple of cigarettes a week ago (stress) but none since. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
morton Posted January 27, 2013 Share Posted January 27, 2013 Turning the corner on three years soon and for whatever reason I have been pondering the use of psychedelics. I have not turned on since the turn of the century and feel that I would like to check in with things in that realm to sort of access my life as I hit my mid thirties. Like so many desires to use I have to wrestle around in my mind whether or not I am just rationalizing or setting myself up for a return to active addiction. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shai Posted January 28, 2013 Share Posted January 28, 2013 I went through the same thing recently, and took a couple trips more out of curiosity than anything else...would I recommend you do the same? If I were going to err on the side of caution, probably not...whatever insights you will gain from psychedelics will occur within the first five or ten experiences, but after that you're just having fun (or not, depending). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
morton Posted January 28, 2013 Share Posted January 28, 2013 Yea, that is probably the case, but for me the first five or fifty experiences were during adolescence or shortly after which is of course a whole different word that full blown adulthood. At the root of it all I think that like most people and problems I already know the answers I am looking for if I am honest with myself and that the road to get to where I want to be is paved with work and reflection rather than some sort of cosmic short cut. I just feel that I lost my way a bit and have been struggling for perspective the past couple months. lol at (or not, depending), indeed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theprotester Posted January 28, 2013 Share Posted January 28, 2013 I'd say you're on the money when you mention it's just trying to justify using. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fat ralphy Posted January 28, 2013 Share Posted January 28, 2013 after being without drugs and alcohol for so long and programming my brain to act accordingly i honestly don't think i would be able to have a good trip anymore. i used plenty of psychedelics in my teens and twenties and i am pretty much still in touch with that i think.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shai Posted January 28, 2013 Share Posted January 28, 2013 When I say don't do it it's because you are doing well with recovery, but I realize it's not that cut and dried. There's ways to get the benefits of psychedelics without taking them...I know it sounds corny but it's true. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theprotester Posted January 28, 2013 Share Posted January 28, 2013 At the very least, make sure you're in a happy place personally before wandering down that path again. I wouldn't want you to be re-exploring that territory as some sort of 'fix' or 'cheer up' tactic. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sayWORD? Posted January 28, 2013 Share Posted January 28, 2013 im just back from the bar. ive been drinking at least ten beers a night since my arrest. im scared to drink anything harder because i know i will black out and most likely do something i will regret. getting a ride home from the bar because i lost my license and asking my sober friend to swing by the liquor store on the way home is beginning to become more than a little humiliating. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OhMyGosh! Posted February 16, 2013 Share Posted February 16, 2013 Somebody once told me that it had very little to do with what or how much I drank or used..but far more about what happened when I did. It stuck with me and I have come to understand that it makes a great deal of sense looking back on things. Every time I got drunk or high there I didnt get into some fucked up situation and feel miserable...but the times I did, drinking and doing other drugs were definitely involved. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shai Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 Still sober. Nothing else to report...maybe that's good. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainydayz Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 Lately I've seen a lot of my friends with multiple years in the program quote walk away and start drinking and smoking weed etc. My ex- girlfriend who's family helped me get into recovery relapsed with 8 years and is out there going to bars etc.. It's weird but I used to see these people as strong role models for me when they were clean, but now that they are using half of them are completely crazy and played out. Recently I had to pick up the white keytag with two and a half years clean due to a reservation I didn't even know I had. I'm dealing with an unsuportive family that sells drugs and even though my girlfriend is supportive lately she has been on the wrong path and using harder drugs. I had been lying about my use since December but now after I've gotten honest I feel like a big monkey has been lifted from my back. I try to pray to stay sane, but I guess now I'm going to have to write about some serious reservations and deal with some serious issues. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fat ralphy Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 damn 8 tictacs with that prop^^^ maybe it would be best for you to focus on yourself brother, there are a lot of dudes who go out over their lady. i am glad you are here and made the comment because there are tons of people who go out after having YEARS clean. just remember what they do is on them and what we do is on us, one day at a time.....hell one decision at a time. i hear you saying that you are still fighting...that's most important Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
japillahan Posted February 20, 2013 Share Posted February 20, 2013 ^true. You gotta focus and work on yourself and make yourself useful to you before you can be useful to anyone else. I have been dealing with really wanting to use again as of late but with several friends going back out, I use as a wakeup call to snap myself out of that mindset and be useful to others. Winter in Minnesota is no joke. A buddy of mine just got chased out of his house by his (potentially psychotic) roomate. I can't let him stay with me, my roomates won't let him since he's been hitting the bubble hard as of late, but for christ sake it's -5 f outside. I've been meaning to check this thread more often; the Nonsense thread should stop being such a compulsion of mine. Stay up y'all 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shai Posted February 20, 2013 Share Posted February 20, 2013 Wound up going to a couple bars with my friend the other night, and when you're sober that bar smell is something else. Kind of like a combination of vomit, stale beer and disillusionment rolled into one funky package that cuts right through any head cold. I don't think I'm particularly mean-spirited, but if I hang around drunk people every once in a while I feel like it's exactly the kind of positive reinforcement I need...watching last call play out is more affirming than any meeting I've ever been to. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fictionator Posted February 25, 2013 Share Posted February 25, 2013 Hit the 1 year mark in another 2 weeks or so. Still floating damn near every day with the relief that i'm no longer at the hands of liquor. Even a breakup with GF of almost a year has me thankful to be feeling it from reality's perspective. I still do not attend meetings... i'm just fine without them, though sometimes i yearn for a sober friend or two. I have continued tagging along with friends to bars... just sip that soda + lime. Right now i am sitting in my boss's house (one of two awesome jobs i have these days) watching his animals while he's out of town. I feel completely out of place, very alone, very uncomfortable... but i am so happy. My mind is constantly at work, throughout every single day, and i wonder why i spent so much time stifling that. It feels unreal, these endless streams of relatively profound thought. This is something that i did not uncover until i quit drinking. I feel like i'm working toward something great. I have spent the past year climbing the tiers of my potential that i had lost for so long. I've been able to handle stressful situations with grace and poise that i couldn't have considered attempting while drinking. I've been a good friend, i've been a good boyfriend, i've been a good person. Life is fucking good. I'm glad to hear that most of you are still working through this. Cool seeing new names in here as well. I have a lot to say, but it needs to be written a little more coherently than i am [apparently] capable of right now... haha. After a particularly shitty weekend, embarrassing fucking shamefully unpleasant behavior included (not the first) I decided to stop by and read a bit. This POZ post resonates and for sure is helping the anger and guilt subside. Trying to figure out the next move, hope everyone is doing alright. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fat ralphy Posted February 25, 2013 Share Posted February 25, 2013 i wonder how POZ is doing ..... been having dreams about drinking, have not been to a meeting in over a month. need to get to one soon, helps me to keep in check. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OhMyGosh! Posted February 26, 2013 Share Posted February 26, 2013 Ralphy...there have been many times that I was faaaar closer to picking up than I knew. Scary shit. Im a selfish dude..i think that all persons who are afflicted with addiction are. For me, one of the main reasons I still attend meetings, is because I have been sober for so long. I feel that its of the utmost importance to show that sorry miserable fuck of a newcomer to that it is possible to stay sober and feel better...because there were people like that to show me when I started coming. Thats how it continues to work...i think. Furthermore, if I am in the state of mind of trying to help somebody else, I am not being selfish..which probably has a greater value in maintaining my sobriety and soundness of mind. Every experience Ive ever had, has an important lesson attached to it that I can use to help somebody else, even if....especially if, it went extremely poorly. If nothing more, I know 1 more thing not to do. Keep your head up man. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LUGR Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 pretty much about to fall the fuck off...lost my job and bad medical news... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sleazeside Heights Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 sorry to hear that dude. try and hang in there. try to get some books and do some reading. That seems to help. I had a weird night last night. Last two bars I ended up at I dipped on the bill. I'm tryna find work myself. It sucks, especially cause I don't want to do 90% of what's out there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LUGR Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 Ya, I think I'm going to go outside and sit in a park for a bit. I need to handle this anger... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arab Posted February 27, 2013 Share Posted February 27, 2013 Hang in there, buddy. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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