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make music...

draw

seriously, after dropping out of school i started drinking heavily and became quite the asshole

 

i thought PTSD was only for war vets but nope, any mentally taxing event can fuck up your think sponge.

 

im still fucking crazy..but im functionally crazy.

 

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Read through some of this thread, i'm not an alcoholic but all the males in my family are/were so i've been around it my whole life. It's great to see that people can manage to stop and continue their life!

Don't really know where this post is going....just thought i'd show my support somehow. Keep it up.

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Its been a while since I posted in here. Glad to hear some of you are still going strong. Im still sober and doing well for myself. I have been more active in my recovery as of late, and I believe feeling as good as I do is a direct result of that. Its been my experience that when I do the shit im supposed to, I feel better. Also, and probably just as powerful of a message, when I act out and behave like a shitbag, I usually dont feel as good. An old sponsor of mine used to tell me that the way to gain self esteem is to do esteem-able acts. I have found that to be very true in my life. I have never been able to think myself into acting better. The only thing that has worked, has been taking positive actions, and as a result of that, my mindset changes. Action comes first though. Its cool that I am at a point where I am able to use some of the shit ive gone through to possibly help other people. When it comes down to it,, thats all any of us really have to offer...our experiences, for better or worse.

 

To those of you struggling. When you become alone enough and daily living is painful enough to where you are willing to earnestly seek help and take the suggestions that are provided as a result of seeking that help..you will begin to heal. A lot of the time that means shit has to get a bit worse before it improves. Dont give up. I promise you, because I have been where you are, and felt how you feel, that it does get better. For me it did and I have been substance free for a long time now. More importantly, I am grateful for my life and the things in it. I have a lot to lose..which is a drastic change from where I was.

 

If anybody would like to talk with me more in depth about some of the specific things that have worked for me, Id be more than willing to help where I can. Shoot me a PM or something. Best of luck to you all.

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2 weeks. it's been weird. Hasn't made me feel any better. I had some projects I was collaborating with friends with, but I can't get anyone to get motivated and work on stuff i've been trying to get done. Seems a lot of people have been ignoring me or stopped contact. Mom has been really negative towards me lately. Holidays are totally wack, and I want them to be over already. Did some cleaning, which is good, but I've just been kind of stuck here with nowhere to really go. Just been watching crappy movies and wasting time online. Nothing really feels good right now. just frustrating really. Looking for the new year to be better. Merry Christmas everyone, I guess.

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  • 2 weeks later...

well I fucked up my half year clean and im just steady sliding into these old habits. sometimes seeing old friends just fucking sucks ~not blaming them though

 

something that has been tripping me out. i thought about getting high every day i was sober, and now that i am getting high, its still not even really scratching that itch. and so i chase it, but even then, it really just isnt getting me where it used to. maybe after i run through this shit ive got, i can leave it alone for good. who knows

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Well therein lies the rub, giving into cravings does not eliminate cravings, it makes em worse. Toward the end of my using it seemed like everything had the opposite of the desired effect, I would drink to calm down and it would end up causing me stress.

 

One thing about friends that still use, some of them are able to respect the decision to be sober and some are not. I do not really hold it against em but I have a couple of friends that would really like me to use again, I understand that and keep a pretty healthy distance. I am able to maintain but it can be pretty hard if you walk into someones apartment and they slip a foil pack in your shirt pocket "for later if you need it".

 

Another holiday season in the books, watching my family get loaded is always interesting. My dad got drunk and belligerent this year, not that big a deal but was really striking watching him turn that corner with the booze and go from his normal outspoken self to full drunk loudmouth mode.

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As of Tuesday I´m on hiatus till the beginning of the year...no real reason and no definite plans, just seeing what comes of it between now and then.

 

Lasted a week, partied for almost a week straight (Xmas to NYE), which kicked my ass for a week. Back at a week off as of today, half of which was spent laid up in bed...again, no set plans, but if a one for one trade is gonna be the end result of me partying then I'm not so sure it's worth it.

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Detoxing till my birthday (end of March).... Which will be crap because i'm still on holidays for like a whole other month. Becoming a habit tho. How good is Jameson's? In the morning even. Yes.

 

I think taking some time off alcohol was the best move I made last year. Didn't drink for a few months and aced most of my exams. Might try it again this year...

Just found out my best pal is pregnant, so there go my weekend champagne sessions anyway!

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Like 423894 said, it's not something you need to rely on other people to do.

It needs to be something you do for yourself.

Sounds like you are dating a potential GOOD resource to help your problem, but this person cannot be your sole solution because again, you need to do it for yourself.

As far as the physical symptoms go; it seems like you might should consider a detox. It would help put just a little spacetime between the booze and you and from detox you can go from there whether it is inpatient/outpatient treatment or something else.

Surround yourself with supportive people, but to beat a dead horse, do it for you and not for them.

Best of luck homie keep us posted.

 

i'm back to "normal" drinking and no physical symptoms and no trips to oblivion

 

the fact i can go from full on sickly alcoholic status to normal drinking to boozehound to sober and everything inbetween so easily and naturally makes it hard to think about quitting the cycle forever

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How weird is it to say to yourself "I like doing this thing so much that I can never do it again?"

 

Honestly...I've wrote an erased this about 7 times...I can't picture never drinking again...it's 95% of my social interaction...but I really wanna turn off the part of my brain that's always telling me to drink...alone or whatevs...good/bad/just plain bored...i don't blackout and i'm not an asshole or anything...but i wish this wasn't my brain's default setting for eveything

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It does get annoying.

 

What bums me out is that I didn't really want to stop drinking, but I've been going through intermittent health problems because of it for the past couple months...I was taking a week off every month for a while to keep things in check but that turned into a reason to go on a three day bender whenever I picked it up again.

 

I know I'm prone to alcoholism, I've never denied that. But I've always had the willpower to hang it up as needed whenever I wanted. Lately I just found myself making excuses that worked, but in the end they were just excuses...and it really started messing with my health.

 

I don't know what's going to happen next, I'd like to think that I'll be able to drink again someday more socially but it's looking more and more like that's not in the cards.

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how annoying is it that me as an individual always has to come to this thread every couple of months when my life has taken such a downward spiral and reflect on how badly i need to change myself.

 

i just went months without drinking. months. thats huge for me. i also quit smoking weed, which for me was beginning to produce more paranoia than relaxation. this increased my urge to drink to calm myself. im not a stupid person. i saw the correlation between my marijuana consumption and my propensity to consume alcohol and i quit both. for months. i thought i was on top of the world.

 

and then this happened...

 

a few days before christmas this year (2012) i found myself at a local pub with a few of my best friends. i had been so successful with being responsible and sober, i dont know what happened. maybe it was the holiday season. maybe it was cockiness. maybe it was stupidity. probably it was my addiction that i thought i had conquered, yet clearly hadnt.

 

and so i drank.

 

one beer turned to five. the vodka came out. of course, i had not been at this particular bar for a long time, and the waitresses and bartenders (eager for my business no doubt) brought out free shots of fireball. i dont even know how many i had of those. and then more beer.

 

then i made a terrible mistake.

 

i got in my car and drove. the police were watching the parking lot of the bar. i didnt make it 20 feet. the lights went on, and then theres me reeking of liquor with the cop leaning into my car asking to see proof of insurance that i knew was in the car somewhere but couldnt produce probably due to my drunkenness.

 

the handcuffs went on. i was humiliated. i was told to blow, which i did. i was way over. i was brought to jail and told to blow twice more. i did, both times i failed. of course i called my lawyer, who instructed me of my rights, but at this point i knew i was fucked.

 

my license is gone. i had almost $20,000 saved up for a downpayment on a house i was planning to buy at the end of this year. thats all going to my attorney in an attempt to fight this. i drive machinery seasonally for a living. this one stupid slip up cost me my job, at least for this year. my company is horrendous with drivers abstracts and background checks, and there is no way they are going to hire me back. in short im fucked.

 

my girl left me because of this. fuck her. shes the least of my worries, and as homosexual and cliche as this sounds, if she cant handle me at my worst, she doesnt deserve me at my best.

 

yet here i am, on 12oz drinking 15 beers because im depressed and have not yet learned how to deal with that shit without alcohol. i guess i dont know how to have fun without it either. but this shit isnt fun. i can barely sleep. here i am in my late 20's feeling like i lost everything. i guess i should be fortunate that i was caught before i killed an innocent person. thats about the only upside that i can see.

 

alcohol has stopped being fun for me. i see that now. its slowly but surely taking everything i value away from me. family, girlfriends, friends, my vehicle, my job, my criminal record, my ability to travel freely, my health, my sanity, my life...yet im drinking as i write this. how sick is that?

 

whats even more depressing is that i can guarantee you guys that if you go back a few pages, im sure i made some super long post like this one saying much of the same things. my life feels like a fucking broken record that i cant fix. i guess when im depressed, i write. be it graffiti or fucking essays. so thats what im doing.

 

if youve managed to stay sober, i give you all the props in the world. stick with that shit. because if youre like me, alcohol clouds your judgement and makes you do stupid things. it prevents you from thinking clearly. and it makes you take risks that are both needless and retarded.

 

i want to wrap this into a neat little box and say something simple like, "i should have taken a cab", or, "dont drink and drive", but im not that naive. the fact is, had this not happened to me now, it would have happened to me sometime in the future, perhaps with worse consequences.

 

i am powerless when it comes to controlling myself when i drink.

 

i need help.

 

i know what i need to do, i just wish i had the courage to do it and stick with it.

 

stay up homies, im doing my best to try to...thanks for listening.

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