Alcoholism

[PITOFZOMBIES]

I sometimes wonder how i managed to finally end up on the long-term sober tip.

It's easy to say that someone will get sober when they're finally ready to. I definitely hit that point where shit was not looking good for me and i knew i had a problem to deal with. I think the advice and discussions i was subject to during those weeks are what helped set it a bit deeper in stone. I think you need both a strong conviction to fix yourself, as well as a heap of insight from multiple sources as to what it is you're dealing with. There were definitely some key things said to me that stuck and possibly were clutch in my sobriety continuing. Some of the shit people told me was meaningless, and i don't like the idea of abandoning your identity and free will because it's "the only way the program works". The key word there is PROGRAM... it can still be done even if all that shit seems lame. I'm proud of the manner in which i got to where i am. I don't dare take all the credit, but it took a lot of time and introspection to sort through my problems... I'm still at it. I definitely learned a lot from the program, but the particular group i attended was a bit on the over-bearing side, and i felt like magic kool-aid would be handed to me in a paper cup if i didn't move on down my path. I really wish there were more meetings that completely left out AA's concept of sobriety. I might actually go to those because i am NOT trying to fucking pray. I was ready to deal with it and i gratefully used the tools i had at my disposal as i saw fit.

 

I guess sobriety, to me, is kind of what i'd imagine having a kid is like. I guess the birth would be the first realization that you have a problem that ain't going away.

Shit is scary as hell at first, and there are some sleepless nights, but it gets better. Nurture that sometimes-unwanted little monster until it can walk, and feed itself and it stops shitting in its clothes. It will just sort of exist there after a while, free of your constant attention... naturally. You'll think about it every day, but it will be mostly self-supporting and will feel effortless, and hopefully the motherfucker will support you when you're old.

 

/ramble /metaphor

 

 

LUGR, where you at homie? i know you were in a rough patch and i haven't seen you on here for a bit.

[sayWORD?]

met up with the ex.

got drunk.

fought.

fucked.

took a cab home.

drunkenly called the only girl i care about.

fucked that up.

got home.

drank some more.

on 12oz.

sleep (pass out).

[Will Ferreal]

i feel you but you are gonna "fail" over and over until you realize it takes a long ass time to feel different.

 

it's the same as if you quit dope.. your body and mind will not be like it was for months or even years.. any seriously addictive substance or activity takes a long, long time to overcome.

 

missteps are a part of the process.

 

maybe you go 36 hours now.. and soon 64 hours.. and so forth. you need to see the small triumphs instead of lumping all experiences into a failure

 

the only thing you can do is find other ways to cope with the stress whether it's thru work or otherwise..

 

but it's not easy or instant!!

 

im strugglin with the fact that i cant even hang wit my friends because beers are just regular. been tryin 2 keep my distance and do other shit/stayin active but i still find myslf feelin lonely/lame wantin to get in to shit and party. cant seem 2 find a balance.

[Will Ferreal]

also have seemed to develop a social anxiety, from trying to not drink, which never existed. the whole tryin not 2 drink thing is fuckin me up. girls callin me i dont even wanna fuck with em' ive never felt anxiety like this.

[bobbie blowjob]

the most common problem on here seems opiates, one of you guys ever fucked around with meth?

[morton]

Yes. The first time I shot meth was a week before my 16th birthday, I did it off and on until I was about twenty when I switched to heroin for a healthier alternative.

 

At least heroin will kill you, meth does not even afford the addict that.

 

I ran into the guy I used to run with a last year and he was still at it, and he was never off and on like me but always on at least when we were younger. Almost 20 years of tweaking, twenty fucking years.

 

March 13th 1999 was the last time I used any so I suppose my credentials are a little dated. Of the people I used with there have been varied outcomes including the usual suspects of death, institutions and jails but also sobriety, functional addiction mainly to alcohol and the couple of odd ducks that just kept on tweaking.

[yardwanderer]

im strugglin with the fact that i cant even hang wit my friends because beers are just regular. been tryin 2 keep my distance and do other shit/stayin active but i still find myslf feelin lonely/lame wantin to get in to shit and party. cant seem 2 find a balance.

 

yea i struggle with this as well. on one hand.. i wanna be a good friend and help where i can. but helping oneself comes before that. i have a thing with taking on other ppl's problems; worrying about stuff i can't really fix. probably has something to do with alcoholism / addiction running in my family and growing up around that. i'm starting to realize it's not selfish to have your best interests in mind, actually it's really all you can do.

 

there is such a thing as "toxic" people.. and i have lost good friends myself because i brought my problems onto them. there's people i'd like to see but if we hang out some bad shit is way more likely to go down. i know i don't need the drama in my life. i think when you have an addiction those people are especially attractive because it's like drugs, they make you feel alive for a minute but you're likely to feel burnt by them eventually due to their own issues.

 

when you start being good toward yourself it really shows.. as within, so without.. and i think that is how you attract good friends and lovers.. by being positive yourself. figure out what you want in another person and internalize those values. be that person

 

going to the gym, work, taking classes are all good ways to get discipline and meet some new people. even if you don't meet anyone cool you must look at it like "at least i did a good thing for ME"

[LUGR]

LUGR, where you at homie? i know you were in a rough patch and i haven't seen you on here for a bit.

I am around and doing OK, thanks for asking.

 

Glad I didn't make any drastic choice to drink my problems away a few weeks back and have been working through them slowly.

 

I am still tossing the idea around to drink again at some point in my life, but not on some moment of despair/weakness situation. Initially, I told myself I was going to try and stop for a year and then re-evaluate my situation...it has been well beyond a year now and at some point I would like to give it another shot.

 

I know this probably sounds like a bad idea and may be a mistake but it seems like something I would like to try. I am still not sure though and am going to think about it for some more time, talk to a few key people and be sure not to make my decision based on anger, pain or frustration etc....

 

thoughts?

[Sleazeside Heights]

Well, it's been a while so you may be forgetting all the negative things about it. Having that first drink again is opening the flood gates. Sure it may be ok, it may be ok a few times. but at some point it will be a mess again if you've had difficulties with drinking before. Your alcoholism doesn't subside with time.

Will anything good come out of drinking? Experience tells me no. I'd hate to see you lose a year plus of hard work. Many aren't strong enough to make it even that far. Whatever you choose, I hope it works out.

[LUGR]

Ya, I know, thanks for the input SH...I just hate to be on the other end of the spectrum to the extreme of shunning all things related to alcohol. So in my head I am saying "take what you have learned and try again...find a balance". Maybe if I can find a balance I would be happy? I mean I am doing much better now, but I am not fully happy because I miss things that I now forbid myself from doing.

 

I don't think I would allow myself to go back to that hole I dug for myself before and I definitely remember the painful journey to this point ...Hard to say, though...so at this moment I am not going to make any rash decisions and am going to just keep rolling along as is.

 

But over these past few weeks I have realized my problems come from OCD/compulsion issues. Like, I find a way to "get by" and I push that in my life until it harms me mentally and physically. Not only with drugs/alcohol but almost in all aspects of my life. Interesting to realize, not sure what to do about it yet...been reading a bit.

[morton]

thoughts?

 

My experience indicates that returning to drinking has never taken me anywhere new, if you want to know what it is like look back to where you were.

 

Abstinence from mind altering substances does not change my relationship with them, when I have returned to them in the past the routine at first is a dance but sooner rather than later the dark side comes out to play.

 

One of the most deceptive things about long term sobriety is the ease of it all, for me at least I walk through life with practically no struggle to maintain a clean living day to day. It is easy for me to fantasize that if I were to use today that it would be as easy for me not to use tomorrow as it was yesterday but looking back on my experience I can see that this is not the case.

[yardwanderer]

@LUGR don't do it man.. you know the right way to go. do otherwise and you're deluding yourself. you will be flat on your ass before you know it

 

it's like.. there's no such thing as a chipper.. because i see they either move away from it 100% or they get sucked in eventually, it's just a matter of when. it's like when you first try to stop you might not see the light; when you start up again, you might not see the darkness until it's too late

 

morton tells it like it is.

 

you say your problems stem from ocd / compulsion. yeah. you have an addictive personality, as does 99% of the other people posting in this discussion. hell.. you could probably say that about 99% of writers / people into graffiti in general too.

 

you can't "fix" an addictive personality, you can just deal with it. one approach is trying to find multiple interests and dividing your time between them.

 

it's like if you wanna get in shape. to truly do that, you can't just lift every day all day. you gotta work different parts of your body.. cardio.. aerobics.. etc.

 

you're going to get burnt out doing the same thing every day regardless.

 

you figure out a routine and if it doesn't work.. you determine why and adjust accordingly.

[LUGR]

One of the most deceptive things about long term sobriety is the ease of it all, for me at least I walk through life with practically no struggle to maintain a clean living day to day. It is easy for me to fantasize that if I were to use today that it would be as easy for me not to use tomorrow as it was yesterday but looking back on my experience I can see that this is not the case.

Thanks for the input, this part is definitely something I have been thinking about and I am likely just deceiving myself...maybe I just need to go through it for myself to understand. Like I said before, I am not feeling like I will make a split second decision to drink and for the most part am currently in a good place.

 

it's like.. there's no such thing as a chipper.. because i see they either move away from it 100% or they get sucked in eventually, it's just a matter of when. it's like when you first try to stop you might not see the light; when you start up again, you might not see the darkness until it's too late

 

morton tells it like it is.

Not really sure what a "chipper" is? But the rest of what you say makes sense to me. I appreciate your feedback....and yes, morton definitely tells it like it is.

 

Going to think on it for awhile longer.

[morton]

To chip is a reference to saying "chipping away at it" what it means is to go about things bit by bit.

 

A person who is "chipping" is a heroin user who only uses small amount and always goes a couple three days between fixing. By following this path they can avoid the hardships that come with physical addiction, getting dopesick and what not.

 

I suppose the term and strategy could be used with other drugs as well such as not staying up for more that 48 hours at a time on speed or only drinking on the weekends for booze but, being the stickler that I am for terminology it will always be about dope to me.

 

"think about it for a while longer" eh, this subject is not as advanced as you might think it is.

[sayWORD?]

so im sober now as i write this.

 

this last page seems to be focused alot on why people feel they drink/use. it made me want to re-examine my own situation with a clear head.

 

i think a big portion of why i drink is because its so socially acceptable. its just so prevalent. but i am slowly coming to realize that i am never going to be one of those guys that can sit and have two beers and watch the game. i need six minimum. that turns to 12. i start craving it for whatever reason, even if all im going to do is get dropped off at home to play video games/oontz. i think alot of it has to do with sleep problems and anxiety. when i quit doing drugs in 2006, i could never sleep, and i just hate insomnia. i would rather drink to pass out than toss and turn and think about things that are going on in my life.

 

i also believe i suffer from a form of depression. i know this shit because i have been diagnosed with it. i never wanted to believe it, and i just self medicated because when i was first diagnosed i was in highschool and everyone was smoking weed and getting drunk anyways, so i figured it was normal. now im at the point in my life where self medicating to the level i need to get to is no longer acceptable. i remember getting pulled over for a dui and blowing three times the legal limit and in my head thinking "im not even really that drunk". this scares me alot. i also work a seasonal job which is go go go all summer and then nothing but collecting a check in the winter and sitting on my ass. maybe in terms of my own sanity i should consider changing occupations, however my current job pays me well and i feel my depression would increase if i could no longer afford myself with the financial luxuries i enjoy now. my occupation definitely contributes to seasonal depression or whatever the fuck people call it. i guess i feel trapped.

 

i think im lonely. its been years since ive held down a steady relationship lasting anything over a year. i have many girls that are interested in me, and fall for me because im not bad looking, im smart, witty, and i can make them feel good. when im sober. but theres this weird part of me who feels like i cant be myself without alcohol. and then when im drunk, all hell breaks lose. some girls can handle it better than others, some even stick around for a while to try to change me. then i wake up next to them with a hangover in the morning wracked with guilt and apologize and they fall in love with me all over again until i start drinking the next night. yesterday, i went out for drinks with my ex because there was shit that needed to be discussed and i figured there would be no way i could handle it without liquor. so there we are, a few drinks later, arguing when a pretty young girl walks up and asks "*****? is that you?" i look over and see a girl i used to date 5 years ago, our relationship i ruined from being an alcoholic. and there i am 5 years later, doing the exact same thing with another girl. faces are starting to blur together. i was mortified. definitely an eye opener. but more drinks came because i figured that if i had to talk to a girl who swore she never wanted to see me again 5 years prior, i better get some liquid courage.

 

i went and worked out today. first time in a few weeks. great feeling. i guess i should probably consult my doctor about my depression, but im apprehensive to because the side effects of all the SSRI's that ive been prescribed in the past have been horrendous to say the least.

 

any of you guys dealing with depression issues? and if so, what do you think is the best way to go about dealing with those issues? i feel like my alcoholism and depression go hand in hand, and im starting to think that i cant get rid of one without at least dealing with the other. i did pay to talk to a psychologist a few years back, and found it very helpful. im considering doing it again, to hash out some issues and maybe get pointed in the right direction, being aa, detox, counselling or what have you.

 

goin for a cigarette.

[sayWORD?]

by they way, i just want to say thanks for all the support i get through pms and props and posts from you guys and girls.

 

i really feel fortunate that there is this faceless community where i can open up and speak freely and also read about other peoples experiences and the judgement is minimal if not non-existant.

 

i appreciate you all more than youll ever probably know.

 

thanks homies.

 

-sW

[brothhalynch]

8.1 beers

[SMdoubleXL]

 

Abstinence from mind altering substances does not change my relationship with them, when I have returned to them in the past the routine at first is a dance but sooner rather than later the dark side comes out to play.

 

.

is it me, or is morton on some poetic level with this.?

 

hah

 

 

 

i really feel fortunate that there is this faceless community where i can open up and speak freely and also read about other peoples experiences and the judgement is minimal if not non-existant.

 

i appreciate you all more than youll ever probably know.

 

 

for real...ive never been more interested in anything like this, until i read this thread.

 

i came in here for an update and good reads and i want to bump/quote almost all the good shit said in here..from everyone.

 

 

word, you say you went to a psychologist and might try again..you should definitely go. and continue working out.

Lugr, the way you say you think about considering it...to me, (and this is just simple ole me) sounds like you already know it wont have a good outcome, this is why you think about it.

[yardwanderer]

@say word.. real interesting read and eloquent words. i can certainly relate especially the women stuff, experiences blending together.. i know the feeling all too well.

 

And yea I'm talking about dope like morton said. but it really goes for anything. if you are an addict and you think you'll just do a little this time, you are only fooling yourself.

 

it's good to get this stuff out especially cause i think on it so often..

 

no judgment. just the realization everyone has their everyday struggle, and you don't have to be alone in it.

 

i got some more to say, especially on the relation of addiction and depression. but i've said more than enough for now. good night

[sayWORD?]

yard, id be interested in anything you could contribute.

 

drunk now again, not especially pleased, but not too sure how to have fun without this shit.

 

i guess tonight was a good night.

[Will Ferreal]

the most common problem on here seems opiates, one of you guys ever fucked around with meth?

 

snorted me a line of shardios one time.

it was like that movie limitless but more tits.

[yardwanderer]

OK so say word you asked me about addiction and depression.. So I will try to keep it brief but write a little about my thoughts on the matter. Remember, they are just opinions drawn from my experiences.

 

Addiction is misguided self-medication for some issue(s) one had long before they were an addict. If you are a career alcoholic / addict there's a great chance you inherited the condition through a combination of genetics and socialization.

 

When you are given negative circumstances repeatedly, or repeatedly view your circumstances as negative, you can become consumed with negative feelings.. If your mind is weak, after a while negativity becomes normal.

 

Just like positivity feeds on the positive, negativity begets more negativity when you are addicted to the negative. When you try to quit drugs or alcohol and fail, you must sincerely ask yourself if you ever thought you could succeed in the first place.

 

At their basest level, the answers people wish to hear are the ones they want to hear. If you tell yourself a lie every day.. Eventually it becomes truth.

 

Depression is like addiction because when you are depressed, you do the same pattern every day, you dwell on the same issues, you tell yourself what you want to hear because negative cyclical rumination is comforting. In the afflicted's mind it feels good because it feels normal.

 

Sure I tried many medications, some seemed like sugar pills, some flattened my affect, some gave me bad electric feelings in my body and really fucked me up, some made me angrier, and benzos gave me another addiction.

 

While acknowledging that some medications have efficacy and some people can benefit from pills, you aren't addressing the root problem with pills alone.

 

If you have an addictive personality, pills may be especially appealing. When one has tried to cover their problems with drinking or drugs, perhaps they cling to the notion that a pill can completely "fix" them.

 

LOOK WITHIN.

 

13+ months with no dope or benzos. No pills in my life. I feel changed.. Better than I have in a long while. Still feel I can keep building on the feeling forever. Try to change what I can change for the better every day and say fuck the rest. Don't let other people get in my head. Lead by example by being the person I want to be, so inside I can respect myself. I can take / leave the opinions of others, but I always make it a point to listen.

 

Therapy can help a lot.. Talking to someone in a good place be it a professional or a friend is way better than any pill as far as I'm concerned.

 

Change of locale / lifestyle change can be powerful as well.. However, remember that wherever you go, there you are.

[mackfatsoe]

^ real talk, damn.

 

part of me has always been envious of Positive people, if you know what i mean. if getting sober involves evolving beyond cynicism and negativity, I feel even more fucked than before. I guess that's your point though, lots to think on thanks yard

[SMdoubleXL]

straight hypocrisy here.

 

i am often very guilty of not practicing what i preach.

 

a lot.

 

I also suck at making decisions and when I cant make a decision, i rely on fate or circumstance make it for me.

 

Saturday I hit up my candy man. he didnt have anything for me.

 

fate and circumstance reminded me that I really didnt need any.

 

Today at work, I took my last two advil, and my client saw me toss the bottle out.

She reached in her bag and laid 5 or 6 tabs on the table. I scooped em up and tossed em in my bag.

This is when fate and circumstance put my conscious to the test.

Headaches have been bad the last few weeks. I had them under control for a long time (long to me is a month or so)

The bottle of 40 advil lasted me a week.

Then Justifying sets in....

(weeeellll, the dr DID tell me that all of the tylenol/advil/etc etc I take is worse than that bottle of percs he perscribes me) what he doesnt know is that bottle only lasts like 3-4 weeks. he thinks my every 3-4 month refill is being taken responsibly.

 

My headaches are mostly scar tissue and incisional pain -plus when it gets hot, the titanium sheet heats up and inflames the whole left side of my head. It is a physically apparent headache.My ear and the area around it get really red and very hot. others can see it and feel it, and if you know me, you know the red ear doesnt lie, even if i say i feel alright.

 

I fell victim to Justification and the irresponsible side of fate and circumstance.

I broke a pill in half, took it. then the other half, then a whole, then another whole, within about 15-20 min.

 

an hour or so later, i still have a fuking headache, PLUS i wanna puke.

I can go back a few pages and read how i pulled this exact shit and felt the exact same way.

 

eh. dont know why, but wanted/needed to share.

i dont excpect much- but whatever i get, please dont sugar coat it.

[anybody_wanna_peanut?]

Sizes...are you having an opiate problem, or is it just alcohol.? Suboxone can be used as a pain killer, and is actually very powerful. Granted it is an opiate, but it might be a better alternative than taking Percs or whatever pills your talking about, I assume the lady gave you some sort of narcotic. I know when I take suboxone, drinking makes me sick. Maybe you should try this if you absolutly need something for your headaches.There are also other drugs you can get prescribed that will make you sick if you drink, you should maybe try that out if your serious about wanting to quit drinking. I'm struggling myself as you all know. And suboxone works wonders for my chronic pain, plus it doesn't let me get high on other opiates. Best of luck my friend. Pm me if u have specific questions about this, or if you need a number to call just to talk to someone I'd be more than willing to give it to you.

[sayWORD?]

must spread rep yard. good read for sure.

 

got some good news, theres about an 80% chance im going to beat my dui case as the cops fucked up royally when filling out their paperwork. after shelling out almost 15k in lawyer fees, its nice to know i have a pretty good chance. i know nothings guaranteed, but i can at least breathe now, and the axe hanging over my head seems a little less sharp. dont wanna jinx it, so ima leave it at that.

 

also, after manning up, tucking my tail in between my legs, and going in to talk to the big boss at my company, i was informed that i still had a job this year. even though i cant operate shit due to my charges i wont have to take a pay cut, which is absurd. the thought of getting paid what im making just to do manual labor is unbelievable to me, and im looking forward to getting a tan and getting paid well to work out and build muscle. ill be able to rebuild my savings within months. great feeling. much better than being forced into some low paying bullshit warehouse job for a year. im happy.

 

been sober the last few days. kinda feel like im playing with fire if im drinking, and with these latest positive occurences, i dont want to tempt fate. definitely not cured, far from it, but at least the depression and hopelessness at my situation has lessened as of late, and suprise suprise so has the desire to drink away the pain.

 

reconnected with a girl who now lives a long ways away from me. shes been there for me over the last little while, even when im wasted and call her up at 2am. im fortunate to have someone special in my life that i can be open with.

 

also booked an appointment next week with a psychologist. was referred by my old therapist who has since stopped practicing. seems like a well educated dude, im gonna go in with an honest and open mind, and hopefully get myself on the right path. also, i renewed my gym membership. feel really good about that too.

 

seems like theres a light at the end of the tunnel today.

one step at a time for real.

 

today was a good day.

 

good luck homies.

[yardwanderer]

@anybody_wanna_peanut? Good info.

 

That's a tough situation.

 

You need to be honest with your doctor as far as pill use goes so you can work together and figure things out. I wouldn't be afraid to come clean if you are ready to starting working on resolving these issues. Don't beat yourself up about it. There are definitely alternatives as discussed above

 

As far as the mental side of things, eliminate the word "fate" from your vocabulary. Fuck "fate"... Realize your present circumstances are a result of your past experiences both good and bad.

 

As you said " I can go back a few pages and read how i pulled this exact shit and felt the exact same way." You have to figure out a way to remember how you feel today. Next time you're in this position you can look back and take control

[Feed Yer Ego]

my girl has been relapsing

 

i don't think she's binging/drinking excessively

 

and she started smoking weed again to deal with withdraws so i don't think it's a constant

 

 

as for me tho. i've been up for like 48 hours because of withdraws and anxiety and not having unisom

[SMdoubleXL]

what a pussy i sounded like last night.

i felt sick as fuck all night and a worse headache this morning.

 

next time ill just pass.

i talk to my dr all the time about the pain, but never the pill problem. he is good by trying to fix other factors that could be contributing to the headache. he knows i dont wanna be so dependent on meds. even suboxone. we'll figure it out. no alcohol here, except an occasional drink-and by occasional I mean on an average once a month. it gives me headache, so i dont like adding to the problem

thanks guys for your words.

 

on another note.

awp?....i might pop up in your inbox at some random point, so just remember...you offered haha

 

sayWORD?

FUCK YES!

that post made me hella smile for you. that goodness will keep happening. remember to accept that you deserve it.

 

feed your ego--

how ya feelin now?

[brothhalynch]

back again full blown alcoholic