Alcoholism

[OhMyGosh!]

LUGR...think it through man. Making a poor decision has never improved my circumstances..however shitty they may seem at the moment. I would suggest, from personal experience, to not be alone if possible. Ive found that its alot easier to talk myself into doing something, then out of doing something. If that makes any sense. Having somebody else there makes it harder. Keep your head up man. Things will get better.

[LUGR]

ya, that does makes sense, have been thinking it through and walking...didn't stop at any of the numerous bars I passed but the thought is strong in my head. it almost seems like it's the inevitable though, maybe not tonight but eventually. back at the house, feeling more calm atm.

[OhMyGosh!]

^^^Thats where the whole principle of 'one day at a time' ...or one moment at a time. The inevitable is often very far off...which doesnt matter now. If shit worked out the way I wanted it to, ha! Id have been dead a long time ago. Looking back on it, I am extremely glad it didnt go that way...but what I learned from it, is that, most things play out exactly the way they are supposed to..regardless of how I may try to interfere with them. Thus far, in my life, that has been the case. If I try and do the next right thing stuff usually goes ok. If im unsure of what that may be..then ive found it to be really helpful to ask somebody. Hahaha...because still..almost 13 years sober...i can fool myself into thinking some of my plans are good ideas. For example...hahaha...it is still extremely difficult for me to not rob people. When I see some rich fuck of a college kid pull out a stack of 20s to pay for a slice of pizza, I want to follow him outside and make him give it to me or take it. That still sounds like a good idea to me. BUT, now that I have a healthy set of people around me, when I tell them about my good idea, they let me know that I probably shouldnt do that. Haha. I guess I still have a ways to go...but, for what its worth, its been a while since i robbed somebody. SO..things have gotten better i suppose.

[fat ralphy]

Lugr, take it easy brother.

 

I lost my job a few years back and really wanted to fall off, I ended up struggling with some shitty jobs but eventually I ended up doing something I really love. I make way less then I used to, but I am happier.

 

With the medical stuff remember that drinking and drugging will 99% of the time make that stuff worse.

I recently got some bad medical news myself, it has actually been a motivator to change my lifestyle.

 

Keep your head up bruh. OMG has some good points. Holler via PM if you need brother.

[sayWORD?]

stay up lugr.

 

you always been there with positive comments for me when i need it, im hoping youll find the strength to keep on keepin on.

 

if you need to talk, shoot me a pm.

 

peace and good luck.

[PITOFZOMBIES]

Don't throw your progress away, Lugr.

Shit sucks. i've had moments here and there when i was doubting certain paths i was on in life. IE boss's decisions making me question devoting myself to that job. Almost a "Fuck it" mentality, but it subsided. I pondered (and still do, occasionally) drinking, but i wasn't fooled by anything. That pain is still far too vivid to ignore or forget. Life is still difficult at times, but not compared to all those days spent writhing from withdrawals. That low was the lowest i was willing to go, and the switch was flicked the other way once i hit it. Think back about the exact series of events that lead up to the decision to quit drinking and let them soak for a bit. When i have any slight urge to even question my sobriety, that's what i do, and it's enough to keep me on course. Sorry about whatever may have gone wrong in your life. You never know what's around the corner though. Keep your head up, and holler if you need anything. It's been nice knowing that you're out there with about the same time sober as myself... it's just been pleasant to know that i'm not the only one when i've had moments of doubt.

 

To everyone else-

I'm still at it. 1+ year and i never stop feeling good about my sobriety. Life is good. There are still the ups and downs of living, and they become more obvious as the newness of not drinking wears off... specifically the downs. I was feeling so good for most of the first year that i never let anything get me down, but i'm adapting to the lifestyle. The pains of living still come and go, and that's fine. Being pissed off feels good sometimes. Being sad feels good sometimes... these aren't emotions that need to be masked off with a drunken haze. It always comes to pass, ALWAYS.

 

Fictionator-

Glad you found something useful in my little rant. This thread gave me a lot to think about regarding my issues. It was always productive to read what other people were dealing with. Perspective is always a positive concept when you're trying to figure shit out for yourself. I hope everything pans out for you.

[OhMyGosh!]

POZ...awesome to hear youre doing well.

 

I was thinking how fucking cool it is to actually see people get better and turn their lives around. Ive done a lot of shit, and nothing has been able to compare to the feeling I get when I witness that. I think that is a large reason of why I still attend meetings. Despite the many persons who bounce in and out...and those who just simply bounce out and never return..its possible that I may be able to say something or do something that will help somebody get to the point where they are ready to stop..as POZ said, that switch finally gets flicked up. I never know exactly how my actions will impact somebody else..thats a powerful position to be in...and makes me want to be more positive in hopes I have the opportunity to help somebody else.

 

...and its important to note that i dont do this well alot of the time, but the longer i stay sober, the easier it gets...or at least the more used to it I get. If nothing more, it gives me something to strive for. An ideal.

[morton]

3 years without a drink yesterday.

 

Time passes.

 

As far a hardships in life, well, what the fuck did you expect? Life continues to be a struggle and if my experience is any indicator it is one that is made harder not easier by using drugs.

[LUGR]

Thanks for all the positive words everybody, it really has been helpful to read. These quotes have stuck with me especially and helped me regain some perspective...

 

With the medical stuff remember that drinking and drugging will 99% of the time make that stuff worse.

 

Don't throw your progress away......Think back about the exact series of events that lead up to the decision to quit drinking and let them soak for a bit.

 

I lost my two major outlets/coping mechanisms that have really helped me get this far (work and skating) within a few days of each other and I started to lose ground mentally. I need to slow my mind down and realize that I can't answer everything immediately and just let things play out while continuing to move forward. I'll keep y'all posted, thanks again for the encouragement.

[shai]

i wonder how POZ is doing .....

 

He seems okay (we're friends on FB.)

 

LUGR- if you need someone to hang out with or talk to who won't lead you down the wrong path, I'm around.

[LUGR]

^Thanks dude, I appreciate that.

[fictionator]

Hope everyone's doing good, first week done. My sleep schedule is all fucked but otherwise everything is good.

[SMdoubleXL]

wow im touched by the amount of sincere support going on in here. im too coward to post about my demons, but reading for the last hour (plus) has been worth it.

Lugr..hope youre doing ok.

POZ, fat ralphy, morton, shai, omg, sayword-all have good stuff to say, i appreciate the words, even though they are not directed at me...but they still strike a chord.

 

wish you guys the best of luck and love to see the counting posts.

[PITOFZOMBIES]

Hope everyone's doing good, first week done. My sleep schedule is all fucked but otherwise everything is good.

 

keep at it, player. the sleep shit gets better. that was actually one of the things that improved most once i got through the initial grit of the first part of recovery. once your body is used to not being all fucked up all of the time, it adjusts and begins functioning like it was built to. appetite, sleep pattern, mental processes... they all come back in full effect and it feels pretty damn good.

all i can say regarding staying on course is, don't let yourself become satisfied. don't ever fool yourself into thinking you've 'proven' anything and don't forget the shame that drinking/whatever brought you. Don't put too much thought into future events either... IE "well, i'll probably make an exception for Halloween in a month, cuz, i mean, it's Halloween..."... that shit will lead to you caving earlier and ending up back to square one. plus, fuck all those drinking holidays. that shit is anticlimactic at best, and it's no reason to lapse into a shitfest. And don't be afraid to aim high, too. Think about how good it will feel to hit a year. I was anxious to get to certain markers of time, and it wasn't a bad thing to keep those goals in mind, while also keeping the "Day at a time" mantra on repeat.

Being sober has caught me little to no flack and almost purely respect from my peers, some of who are pretty hard partiers and definitely not on the wagon in any sense. Not hanging around childish scum who put pressure on you to do dumb shit is nearly as important as having a will to stay away from the shit. Even if you're not trying to be sober, those kind of people aren't worth keeping around, so nix them from your life either way... waste of time

 

This was not directed to you, fictionator, just an inspired rant. get to that month mark and see how you feel... and then keep going, cuz it gets better and better.

[theprotester]

POZ always dropping knowledge. The respect from peers is so true. Takes the strongest man to go sober.

[mackfatsoe]

blew it again, fuck me

[yardwanderer]

I think you have to constantly ask yourself "is this move going to be self-destructive?" when it comes to alcohol / drugs / life

 

There's a fine line between love and hate.

[yardwanderer]

keep at it, player. the sleep shit gets better. that was actually one of the things that improved most once i got through the initial grit of the first part of recovery. once your body is used to not being all fucked up all of the time, it adjusts and begins functioning like it was built to. appetite, sleep pattern, mental processes... they all come back in full effect and it feels pretty damn good.

 

True say.

[fat ralphy]

keep at it, player. the sleep shit gets better. that was actually one of the things that improved most once i got through the initial grit of the first part of recovery. once your body is used to not being all fucked up all of the time, it adjusts and begins functioning like it was built to. appetite, sleep pattern, mental processes... they all come back in full effect and it feels pretty damn good.

all i can say regarding staying on course is, don't let yourself become satisfied. don't ever fool yourself into thinking you've 'proven' anything and don't forget the shame that drinking/whatever brought you. Don't put too much thought into future events either... IE "well, i'll probably make an exception for Halloween in a month, cuz, i mean, it's Halloween..."... that shit will lead to you caving earlier and ending up back to square one. plus, fuck all those drinking holidays. that shit is anticlimactic at best, and it's no reason to lapse into a shitfest. And don't be afraid to aim high, too. Think about how good it will feel to hit a year. I was anxious to get to certain markers of time, and it wasn't a bad thing to keep those goals in mind, while also keeping the "Day at a time" mantra on repeat.

Being sober has caught me little to no flack and almost purely respect from my peers, some of who are pretty hard partiers and definitely not on the wagon in any sense. Not hanging around childish scum who put pressure on you to do dumb shit is nearly as important as having a will to stay away from the shit. Even if you're not trying to be sober, those kind of people aren't worth keeping around, so nix them from your life either way... waste of time

 

.

 

/this

 

honestly this is one of the best posts in this thread.

 

no program no bullshit just truth

 

props.

[shai]

Two months as of today. Still not interested in drinking at all. It's fucking weird, since I'm not really trying but I like how things are going. It reminds me of when I quit drinking coffee...one day I bought my morning cup of joe, went to take a sip and realized "Wow, this shit is disgusting" and gave it away. Haven't touched the stuff since 1998.

 

I lost two long time friends the last time I kicked opiates. That was hard, as they were both very close to me and I wasn't prepared to let go of them as friends at all. But they made the call, so there wasn't a whole lot I could do about it. One of them finally got clean, and even though we still aren't on speaking terms I'm not mad about that. The other one, I have no idea. Could be dead for all I know. I hope not, they deserve better.

 

I've lost one "friend" this time around. That was directly related to my decision to stop partying, which turned out to be sort of a power move for me socially and I'm still not entirely sure how I feel about it...relieved to see them for what they are sooner rather than later, but I regret they couldn't have lived up to the first impression they made on me. Maybe they'll get over themselves, who knows. I sure don't.

 

Hope everyone's doing good. If anyone wants to get a hold of me off of 12 oz, feel free to PM me and I'll give you my contact info...I can't promise much in the way of consistency or immediate responses (I'm busy and easily distracted) but I'll do my best.

[sayWORD?]

stay up shai. congrats on the two months.

[sayWORD?]

my dad sent me this in a text today. we havent always had the best relationship, and hes one to lecture, but this particular part hit home...

 

"son, the only two pieces of advice i have ever given you about being a man are: never trust anyone who wont give you a firm handshake, and never trust a man who doesnt drink. but when youre drinking you shake my hand way too hard and after a drink or two i dont trust you or your judgement. its never too late *****, think about it."

[cunt sauce]

I posted this in April of 2010 and my alcohol problem got WAY worse.... but fortunately I had a life changing experience 7 months ago and have been 100% completely sober since.

 

I still smoke pot, but that was never the problem that my daily use of alcohol was.

 

I must say, things are definitely different now. I am finally strong enough to hang out with people that are gettin their crunk on without giving into temptation. I actually find myself getting bitter now, I absolutely cannot stand being around idiotic drunk people anymore. But I know people had to deal with way worse shit when my ass was getting annihilated, pissing my own pants drunk.

 

 

Coming up on a year without alcohol next week!

:)

[theprotester]

Great effort, Shai. Stay up mang!

[sayWORD?]

congrats cunt sauce.

love reading shit like that mayne.

[shai]

I appreciate the support, but as I said before it almost feels like there's practically no effort involved. I just don't feel like drinking....every now and then I'll see a beer and think "Gee, that looks appealing" on some visceral level but I know I don't really want it.

 

I still like the smell of coffee, I just didn't like it that one day and for whatever reason I decided to stop drinking it...and it stuck. Will it be the same with booze? It wouldn't surprise me if it turns out that way...nor would it surprise me if it didn't. Right now I can say that I hope it sticks, because I was getting to a point I wasn't comfortable with when it came to how I drank.

 

Glad you got it under control, cunt sauce. I can totally identify with the "If you weren't my friend I'd knock you the fuck out right here, right now" sentiment.

[fat ralphy]

my dad sent me this in a text today. we havent always had the best relationship, and hes one to lecture, but this particular part hit home...

 

"son, the only two pieces of advice i have ever given you about being a man are: never trust anyone who wont give you a firm handshake, and never trust a man who doesnt drink. but when youre drinking you shake my hand way too hard and after a drink or two i dont trust you or your judgement. its never too late *****, think about it."

 

damn i bet that had some impact...

 

on a slightly related note, my pops has about 14 months off drink and hasn't smoked dope in about a month.

 

first time he has been sober in the last 45 years.

 

im happy for him, no expectations but I am happy for him

[PITOFZOMBIES]

So i've been trying to approach making other changes in my life in the same manner that i managed to quit drinking.

I.E. personality flaws. I find my asshole-ish ways are causing problems. Not severe, life-ruining shit, but enough that i want to address it. It's a much less tangible 'addiction', so it's harder to catch myself at times. And perhaps the lack of repercussions is another factor in how (un)aware of it i am. Does anyone have any experience with this? Before i go Google shit and sift through all that i figured i'd ask you guys.

Any insight is appreciated.

[SMdoubleXL]

not to make some type of -fuck bitches,get money- post..

-and it seems you guys have this sobriety thing fine tuned to what works for you

i have had a few occasions where i have learned its not worth it to be an asshole.

I used to wear "being an asshole" like like a crown. i could give a fuck what others thought and how it affected me.

 

UNTIL-

High school days-

-learning that that kid that we all picked on, commited suicide because of it.

 

(i guess that wasnt enough to teach me)

 

-after having brain surgery (which was the seed of a 10 year pill addiction) that put me on the other side for a few minutes, disfigured my face, caused deafness, learning how to walk, talk and eat again....and realized how others actions can really determine your healing process.

not that people were asses to me, but i learned that genuine kindness makes the difference between living and taking your life.

 

 

which leads me to this-I have a child (which in some cases this makes a world of difference on your actions) who is finishing her freshman year in College. as self sufficient as I have taught her to be, because i know i had to let her go eventually, THE ONLY THING I CAN DO TO HELP HER IS FROM MY WALLET.

my kid busted her ass to be where she is and i cant take that away from her. i would rather miss her dearly than to have her here and living a mediocre life.

I run my own business..im simply a salon worker, but one day i was being typical asshole driver and when going into the shop, i realized the person i was an asshole to was a client in the shop whom i respected. She took care of us ($$) and i soon lost that, not to mention, i realized he was having a real bad day, and my actions (which benefit me NONE) had a huge impact on her. (she just lost her husband)

 

 

 

when it affected my wallet, was the biggest eye opener. I couldnt risk losing a clientelle because of actions had no benefit to me or my kid.

she was given tons of grants and scholarships, and we had a plan to cover the remaining tuition, when that plan fell through, and i know how much she wants to graduate from this school, i vowed to exhaust ALL efforts to make sure it happens. even if it meant dropping the pills, which i realized i was putting out waaaaay too much money for, and to clean up my attitude and focus on my business at all costs. even if it meant dropping my attitude at the door and service my clients. they are paying for it. they could also go somewhere else for it.

 

So, POZ, i dont know if there is a child involved or financial strain, and up until this year i guess it wasnt enough for me to get right. it was when it really affected my money.

 

it even changed the way i drive, and made me re think some of my hobbies. i hate paying speeding tickets, aggressive driving tickets...i dont paint, but i bench-20k pictures and i finally caught a trespassing case. this took 4 (separate) court days (time from work) and a 1500 fine. oooggghh, that pissed me off so bad. haha

 

i dont know if you asked or wanted to hear all of that, or if i even touched on what you had in mind, but like anything else, addictions and all..it comes down to finding your conscious mind while trying to make a split second decision and deciding -IS IT WORTH IT??

 

find that ONE thing you know you CANNOT afford to lose and make it your sole reason for ANYTHING YOU DO. the sole reason should be YOURSELF, but when we're addicts, we dont understand self worth...so sometimes we need to find that ONE thing.

 

I have NEVER been so focused and so clear minded as i have the last few months. Its been about 6-7 weeks without "meds" for me. with the exception of one day i was given 'meds' and i was sick to my stomach, missed a day of work ($$$!!!) and took me a few days to feel normal after that. i would normally take around 10-12 a day, and had myself convinced i couldnt function without them

 

its not worth it anymore.

 

 

 

endramble.

 

good luck everyone, your strength is contagious.

[morton]

I think that at or near the heart of active addiction there lies imbalance which can be influenced by both internal and external factors. Disregarding the feelings of others, or the well being and feelings of oneself is another symptom of this imbalance and is often experienced by addicts.

 

While I have never done step work I believe that the entire trip is a attempt to address this sense of imbalance and is what people who go ga ga for step work or many forms of therapy are getting at.

 

One of the concepts from recovery literature that I do try to keep in the forefront of my mind is to practice honesty in all of my affairs. Sometimes this means doing the right thing for its own sake, and doing so despite the presence of other influencing factors.

 

One small example of this that I had to confront recently came in the form of my month long pass to the pool. I swim 6 days a week and have a monthly pass to the local pool which is municipally owned. After the first of the year I noticed that my pass was not expiring, I went to pay it and the kid behind the counter told me it was still good. I went to pay it again a bit later, knowing it was expired and the kid told me it was good to the end of the year. So there I was, there was a glitch in the system and I had a free pass but knew it was in error. I wrestled with this for a bit and decided to pay, not because they need the money and not because I was concerned about any repercussions but because I knew I was ripping them off and it did not feel right.

 

That example seems kind of petty but I figured I would throw it out there, I heard a guy tell the following story in a NA meeting one time and it struck me as having a lot of truth in it and being a good example of confronting larger truths.

 

He made clear that he was a good salesman, but had fallen into addiction and done a stint for selling heroin. He described how in the end he found that he could not sell anything because at the root of sales is dishonesty and that engaging in such was bad for his recovery and well being.

 

"Not only can I not sell crack, I can not even sell Insurance"

 

I strive to live a honest life because I believe it is the best for me, not because of potential consequences. For what it is worth it all seems to come out in the wash anyway, for every free pool pass or sketchy tax move I pass on something else fills in the register.

 

One of the benefits of living this way is knowing that I will not need make many apologies in my life and can stand on good footing in my affairs with others knowing that I have been straight with them.

 

Not to wade out any further into the murky water of metaphor and borderline spiritual ideas but the way I see it is that the balance I need to be the best person I can be is there, I just need to get out of the way most of the time and occasionally need to adjust the way I ride through in order for it to be found.

 

On the subject of spiritual ideas and recovery, this sense of personal responsibility is in large part what puts my personal trip at odds with the 12 step program because at the heart of a higher power lies a transfer of responsibility to the external, which I do not believe in.