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PITOFZOMBIES

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Everything posted by PITOFZOMBIES

  1. PITOFZOMBIES

    Alcoholism

    Are you talking the acute irritability that comes while hungover, or just a general feeling that's difficult to pinpoint the cause of? I still get roadrage like a motherfucker, and I still can be 'snappy' at times. I think that's part of being human in a society that sucks in many ways. I'm so tired of people's carelessness, and that's generally what will cause my anger issues to flare up. Skateboarding helps immensely for me, and I'd assume any exercise would yield a similar result. I've also been dabbling with some of the philosophies behind mindfullness. More specifically, letting shit go that I would otherwise allow to bother me. If I'm quick enough to catch it, I'll just ask myself "Is this worth being upset over? Is being upset over it going to make it any better?" and often times I realize that the only effect of being pissed about something that is out of my control is that I'm pissed, and that often just serves to alienate people. I don't know.
  2. PITOFZOMBIES

    Alcoholism

    and of course: Glad to see the rest of y'all doing well. Same ol' shit here. Been a crazy summer thus far.
  3. PITOFZOMBIES

    Alcoholism

    Toiletseat: I'm pretty much beyond hyped that you made that post a page back. I'm not alone when I say that your general posts have always stood out as some of the funniest shit on here. With that said, your scathing irreverence and general inclination toward mockery of pretty much anything, while hilarious, definitely reminded me of how I thought when I was wasted. I just did not give a fuck about anything, and it was quite a release at times, because my true self often cares about things more than I would have liked to much of the time during those days. I think that's one of the main reasons I fell in love with alcohol. Each swig of fluid kept that mask on a little longer, and kept me from thinking about shit that would've otherwise plagued my thoughts. Court dates, girl drama, job shit, graff beef, etc. all drift further out the window as your blood gets thinner. I never made any assumptions about you, but it crossed my mind that you might be like some of the people (myself included) in this particular thread. It's rad to see you take a step away from your 12oz persona and spill some real shit. That's for sure the biggest step when it comes to sobriety and finding it. It's been almost four years for me now, and while I can't remember the details of my first adjustments, I do recall that frustration building as I battled binges and brief stints of sobriety... that whole cycle. Why wouldn't we be mad at whatever it was that lead us to being so fucking miserable and ashamed? Shit sucks, and you start realizing how much it has destroyed, and how little comfort it brings anymore. Admitting that the problem is within us and not blaming some outside factor is humbling as fuck, and as people involved in a culture so soaked with excessive egotism, we often take that newfound humility pretty poorly. The job I lost directly because of my drinking definitely served as the beginning of the end of my drinking career. It was a definitely one of those 'disguised blessings' the idiots talk about, but for real. That was what made me make the leap of blindly moving to a city I had never been to before. Even though I fell back into my drinking once I got here, I was luckily still able to recognize that I hadn't irreparably sullied the clean slate I had set for myself, and so I stepped up to the plate knowing that I was the only one capable of manning the helm, and that to get control of my life back, I needed to change... so I did. Haven't had a drink since. I don't regret the years I spent wasted; I learned a fuckload by surrounding myself with terrible people, and by putting myself in even worse situations. I know more about how shitty people can be than most do, and it has taught me to avoid them, and to cherish the good ones. Don't even waste another second tripping about the "friends" you might lose if you dip out of the partying scene. I alone have said it in this thread more times than I can count: If a friend isn't understanding and supportive of your situation, they're not worth their weight in piss. I've cut people out of my life for far less, and trimming the fat in our social circles is REALLY fucking underrated in general. It's been so much easier to discern those worth having around from those I'd rather keep at distance. Spending time alone in doses when you're first sober can be a good way to sort through your thoughts and gather some clarity anyway, and I'd say embrace the seeming downside of getting sober as a positive, even if it seems shitty at first. I don't know man. Sometimes I wish I could relive the excitement and general enthusiasm I felt when I first realized I had made the right decision in getting sober. In a way, that first year of relearning how to exist was the best part. You get to fix the flaws you never had a chance to fix. You get to "reinvent" yourself in a way, though not necessarily in the dramatic sense that the phrase brings to mind. It feels fucking good. As is the case with any of you, lurkers or not, I'm always happy to check and respond to my PM's if you feel like you need a closed-circuit discussion instead of a forum comment, so holler if you feel like it. I haven't been on here much, but i'll try to check in more often. Sorry for any preachy-ness in this essay of mine. I hope it doesn't come across that way. I got nothing but respect for folks who confront shit head on. I hope you can get where you need to be homie. Sounds like you've got the right idea.
  4. It's really too bad that the train didn't hit the other side of the car... more specifically the front half of that side.
  5. PITOFZOMBIES

    Alcoholism

    Pretty fuckin' much. Alcohol is the ultimate boredom killer. It's TOO good at dealing with boredom, actually... to the point where you allow yourself to run out of shit to do because you know it'll be there to fill the gap. Being able to push through the inevitable boredom is sometimes a necessary skill to hang onto sobriety. I've definitely had some frustrating nights when there wasn't shit to do, but I'm glad I didn't slip up. BnH, even though I know you're struggling with shit a little bit, it's still rad to hear you laying shit out for yourself as well as the rest of us. As long as you keep being true to yourself, you'll get where you're going. You know how to get ahold of me outside of this shit if you're inclined to do so.
  6. PITOFZOMBIES

    Alcoholism

    It's definitely daunting to think of drinking and the hole there'd be if you quit. Took me a bit to get comfortable being inside my own sober head, but once you're settled into it, it's actually pretty cool to start feeling like you don't need the escape. "Liberating" is one word for it. I know I've let my other hobbies each put dents in that void, and I am okay with spending time in my head with whatever scraps are left after that. I used to drink to help me stop worrying about what people think of me (social anxiety in a nutshell). The irony of that being that I was giving more cause for judgement by being a drunk idiot than I was just being myself. Since I got my shit together, my day-to-day confidence has piled up and I've stopped worrying about it almost entirely. I have realized that it's not my job to make people like me, it's my job to be myself and let people like me if they were so inclined. Considering how uninteresting most people are when you stop and think about it, it makes it pretty easy to not stress it when there's nothing on the line. It's kind of a 'no shit, idiot' revelation, but I think many people who struggle with drinking might be able to relate. The clarity it took for me to realize that might be something that comes with age, or it might be something that comes with sobriety; I lean towards it being a little of both. I've been without the booze for a while now, so it's not necessarily easy to attribute all the good changes in my life to sobriety, but I have a feeling it plays a role. If you feel like reality needs to be escaped from, then maybe making adjustments within that reality is the best game plan. The thing is, reality ain't going away, so why not tinker with how to make it better instead of trying to block it out? This is not directed all at you, Rolf, but your post got me thinking. Thanks Breakfast Menu and the rest of you for reading my walls of text
  7. PITOFZOMBIES

    Alcoholism

    I know what you're going through, FR. It's absurdly easy to, with some years under your belt, begin to feel like you've grown enough since 'those days' to dabble with it. I know I've stepped up to the plate in about a million different ways since I sobered up, and I'm certain that's no coincidence. It's a bit of a catch-22, because we feel like we've grown up some and perhaps can handle it now with our refined state of mind, but the growth wouldn't have happened had we kept drinking. That's not to say that it isn't possible for some people, who've taken a break from drinking, to get back into it with good results, but I don't think it'll work that way for ME... and many folks who were as deep in it as I was. It's not worth the risk. On the topic of growth, I recall the idea that when we're drinking, we're in the midst of what is essentially a standstill of personal growth, and that when we finally stop, we pick up where we left off BEFORE alcohol took over. It's scary to think about this, and it definitely rings true. I wonder how much further along I'd be had I not drained those years. On the brighter side of that concept, I feel like I went into a stint of overdrive with self-reflection and general growth, which might have helped offset those lost years. Who knows? I don't want to lose any more years of learning about myself though. I also weigh the possibility that, if in the off chance that I could control my drinking, it wouldn't be nearly the same as it was. I reflect back to Morton's post a few months ago about how he fell off for a night and, while shit didn't blow up in his face, that it wasn't all that great of a reunion. I also draw a comparison to trying to relive a past relationship with an ex, where you've forgotten all the bad shit and only remember the good. Get back into it, goes well at first, then all the reasons you ended it begin to rear their collective, ugly head and it just goes right back to shit. Doesn't mean that some people can't revive an old relationship, but many of us would be fooling ourselves to think that bitch, alcohol, and our terrible relationship would be worth reviving, or that it was even possible. yeah yeah, another goofy metaphor from me. Sorry, sorry. I hope you all are well!
  8. PITOFZOMBIES

    Alcoholism

    I know what you're going through, FR. It's absurdly easy to, with some years under your belt, begin to feel like you've grown enough since 'those days' to dabble with it. I know I've stepped up to the plate in about a million different ways since I sobered up, and I'm certain that's no coincidence. It's a bit of a catch-22, because we feel like we've grown up some and perhaps can handle it now with our refined state of mind, but the growth wouldn't have happened had we kept drinking. That's not to say that it isn't possible for some people, who've taken a break from drinking, to get back into it with good results, but I don't think it'll work that way for ME... and many folks who were as deep in it as I was. It's not worth the risk. On the topic of growth, I recall the idea that when we're drinking, we're in the midst of what is essentially a standstill of personal growth, and that when we finally stop, we pick up where we left off BEFORE alcohol took over. It's scary to think about this, and it definitely rings true. I wonder how much further along I'd be had I not drained those years. On the brighter side of that concept, I feel like I went into a stint of overdrive with self-reflection and general growth, which might have helped offset those lost years. Who knows? I don't want to lose any more years of learning about myself though. I also weigh the possibility that, if in the off chance that I could control my drinking, it wouldn't be nearly the same as it was. I reflect back to Morton's post a few months ago about how he fell off for a night and, while shit didn't blow up in his face, that it wasn't all that great of a reunion. I also draw a comparison to trying to relive a past relationship with an ex, where you've forgotten all the bad shit and only remember the good. Get back into it, goes well at first, then all the reasons you ended it begin to rear their collective, ugly head and it just goes right back to shit. Doesn't mean that some people can't revive an old relationship, but many of us would be fooling ourselves to think that bitch, alcohol, and our terrible relationship would be worth reviving, or that it was even possible. yeah yeah, another goofy metaphor from me. Sorry, sorry. I hope you all are well!
  9. Here, in small doses. How you been dude?m I guess you already answered that. Formalities...
  10. PITOFZOMBIES

    Alcoholism

    I'm going to up that to 10/10 people. The second people lose respect for my decision not to drink, I lose respect for them almost entirely.
  11. PITOFZOMBIES

    Alcoholism

    Fuck yeah, BnH. How was the first month? Hyped? Whatever?
  12. PITOFZOMBIES

    Alcoholism

    Looks like we lost a few pages. Oh well. I can't tell if the revamp is the final nail in the coffin of this dying forum. I'll probably check back less frequently, but I won't abandon ship. This thread is still the most important shit on this thing. Thanks for everything.
  13. PITOFZOMBIES

    Alcoholism

    Landing a really fucking rad gig is what got me to reprioritize and get my shit straightened out. Hopefully it does the same for you. And there's no two ways about it: Had i continued drinking, i'd just as well have chucked it all down the drain. All the best on your endeavor. ---- Still at it here. 3 years and some change. Thankful for every day, even the shitty ones.
  14. Who really cares? Graffiti is a part of my life that I was never all that into advertising. The only people who knew I was involved with it were people who did it or people who were very close to me. Since I grew up a little bit, I've distanced myself from it as I've realized how goofy the shit actually is when you put it on paper: I write the same word over and over again on things that don't belong to me. I still do it, but it doesn't really serve much of a purpose beyond letting off a little steam now and again. Skateboarding is in a much worse state of affairs with all this contest crap coming back. Kids all trying to outdo everyone else, stressing over footage and such. I know there's always been a hint of competition in skateboarding, but it's definitely been accelerated with all this street league crap. But at the end of the day, I don't care, because I can still go skateboard and have fun and it still gives me the same feeling it did 20 years ago. No one can take that away. On the plus side of mainstream culture latching onto skateboarding, people are a lot more accepting of skateboarding nowadays than they were back in high school, which means more spots, which means more fun. Trends come and trends go. It should come as no surprise that this is happening... with the array of graffiti novelty shit that's been available in chain stores for years, I'm surprised it didn't happen some time ago.
  15. PITOFZOMBIES

    Alcoholism

    Not even mad, dude. I was more surprised than anything... I truly never had the intention of hounding you for shit. I was definitely apprehensive about some of the things you said regarding your tactics in navigating this shit, but to each their own. It's water under the bridge homie. Hopefully you're doing well now... sounds like maybe you hit a wall with shit... that's usually a nice cue that things need adjustment. Hope you get it sorted out if you haven't already. Homie of mine his 9 months today... stoked for him. He's a smart dude and one of the few people I can relate to or feel like I have anything of substance to discuss with. Reading lots. Mostly trying to work my way through McCarthy's novels. A part of my interest in his books is his background with drinking and sobriety and whatnot. His wikipedia has a brief section about it. His books often have a certain dark and shameful quality that I bet many alcoholics could relate to, even if they aren't murdering people and having sex with their corpses...
  16. PITOFZOMBIES

    Alcoholism

    I think that many of us can probably relate to having extremely 'busy' minds. I know I do. I think that was why drinking had such a massive appeal to me, cause it quieted some of those thoughts. Things like weed made me look even deeper into my head in many circumstances, which is probably why I never liked it much. Because I'm constantly tearing everything apart in my head, I think it's possible that my brain ends up overworked, and then starts malfunctioning with memories and such. I definitely have trouble staying in the present, which by no means makes me an anomaly, but I wouldn't rule out the possibility I'm especially bad at it, with my anxiety being the root cause. It's like my mind wants to hyper focus on random, often negative aspects of what's going on in my life, and so I miss everything else. I'm on kind of a ramble here... armchair psych to the fullest... just working through shit in my head. Almost went to a meeting the other night, but bailed on the idea. It's hard to walk into rooms of people you don't know, even when you know how the meetings are. Hope you all are well.
  17. PITOFZOMBIES

    Alcoholism

    I've never been good with names, but I'm definitely horrible at remembering them now. I have moments where I get pretty frustrated with myself for not being able to think of whatever it is that I'm trying to think of. I don't know whether to chalk it up to getting older/having more shit going on, or if it has to do with my drinking days...
  18. PITOFZOMBIES

    Alcoholism

    Hope all's well folks... still at it. So stoked for Fall... been a relatively hot summer here and it leaves me with a lot of idle time when it's baking too hard to skate or do much of anything. I also become pretty irritable when it's hot. We've had a few Fall-ish days recently and there was a noticeable improvement in my general state of mind. There were a few days where it was bloody warm out and no one was around to find some water to swim in. The idea of copping a 40 definitely crossed my mind... didn't amount to much, though. Not sure what any of this has to do with anything. I hope this finds y'all well and all that.
  19. Won't be caught dead on this shit. It's like club scene meets the internet... from what I've heard anyway. I don't think I would have a single thing to say to any of the kinds of people. I guess that's missing the point though...
  20. TOT a motorcycle cop told me simply to "knock it off" after seeing me catch a whiteout tag on a sign. He didn't even come to a stop. TOT I existed yesterday. amazing day.
  21. PITOFZOMBIES

    Alcoholism

    Congrats, Injury. Seriously, fucking rad. It helps me on my little path to know you're doing so well with this. I feed off the success of others I see handling this stuff. Standing up and facing the daunting, serious shit in life is one of the most respectable and honorable things someone can do. Thanks for killing it. Don't ever slow down.
  22. Gaping Asshole Grandma... haahhaha
  23. PITOFZOMBIES

    Alcoholism

    I didn't even read your post, Buddy. That was a general observation that pertained to the discussion at hand, specifically Protestor's post. When something you said had, in the past, prompted me to say something that might have somewhat countered it, I addressed that i wasn't attacking you in particular, because I'm not about that. What i said in my previous post is a reflection of with MY experience with AA, and nothing more. Am I supposed to wait 'til someone has posted after you to have my say, because your feelings get hurt if what I think remotely contradicts you? I'm not here to chase you around, homie... I realize that I have a more cynical viewpoint on aspects of recovery, but I've got some time under my belt now, and I hope that spilling some shit now and again will help the people who are left feeling like they need some insight, but aren't down with the cult shit. Many people find what they need in the program but I didn't. I recall the uncertainty of those first few months after i bailed and, while the there were a few people, I just wished there'd been someone telling me that I can WITHOUT A DOUBT make this shit happen without it. I'm here to offer that to anyone sharing that sentiment: If you want to get sober, you can do it with or without AA... I don't care what ANYONE fuckin' says. You can also blow it and carry on with your addictions, with or without AA... If anyone feels like I've been too edgy, let me know. For every ten sober people raving about AA and how wonderful it is, there is one who is told that they'll fail if they don't follow their fucking rules. I'm here for those people... Redeyeanimal: If you want to rationalize drinking because of someone's comment on the internet, then go for it. Lashing out at me because you think I'm undermining your posts is just insecurity and paranoia. The handful of times I've spoken harshly, with direction, I've been up front about it. This is not an instance of it. I'm not calling you out. I don't give a shit about you or your pills or any of your shit. You don't contribute shit except a deluded viewpoint on how to not actually stop drinking, while taking pills on the side. I'm glad you weren't here when I was newly sober, cuz that would've been a great excuse to experiment with mixing that shit...
  24. PITOFZOMBIES

    Alcoholism

    The thing that pisses me off about the God/Higher Power shit is that people try to deny or dance around that AA's foundation is/was constructed with Christianity in mind. Just own up to it as the reality of the situation, and offer that they are also open to anyone's interpretation of 'god'. When people attempt to deny an obvious truth, I lose most of my ability to trust them, and it leaves me disenfranchised with just about anything coming out of their mouths. Cut the sneaky shit and be straightforward. Deception is not something someone should have to deal with when they're confronting their demons... All the best to you guys. Mort: hope you're all good. Actually, I know you are. Good to hear that you're sticking with this shit.
  25. PITOFZOMBIES

    Alcoholism

    Dealing with some rough shit lately. Past couple weeks have been grueling, but things turned around out of nowhere and improved my situation greatly. There were moments where i entertained the idea of getting wasted, but i stifled 'em without issue. Even considered going to a meeting, just because I was feeling pretty alone. Couldn't find one that was near enough and at a plausible hour. Skateboarding has been probably the biggest help, along with my homies who that entails. Been reading more lately... not sure why, but books kind of were lost on me for the past year or so. Looking forward to what the future holds. Grateful I don't have to drink anymore, and for my friends who've been damn good to me lately. Excited for tomorrow.
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