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King Of Hell

Fuck you if this is old news. I don't care. It's awesome anyway.

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"I lost 20 pounds... How? By drinking bear piss and taking up fencing. How the fuck do you think son? exercise?"

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"Universe is 14 billion years old. Seems silly to celebrate one year. Be like having a fucking parade every time i take a piss."

 

“Yes I got him a gift. He had a kidney stone. You piss a rock through your pecker, you deserve more than just a pat on the fucking back."

 

"Don't ask for my opinion then. I said congrats on the car, just saying nobody's panties are getting wet from a fucking Honda Accord."

 

"No, I'm not a pessimist. At some point the world shits on everybody. Pretending it ain't shit makes you an idiot, not an optimist."

 

"A mule kicked Uncle Bob once. Broke his ribs. He punched it in the face.. My point? You have an ingrown fucking toenail. Stop bitching."

 

"You sure do like to tailgate people... Right, because it's real important you show up to the nothing you have to do on time."

 

"I wanted to see Detroit win. I've been there. It's like God took a shit on a parking lot. They deserve some good news."

 

:lol: holy shit

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Hahaha

 

"I lost my phone son"....."whats it look like"....."two horses fucking. It looks like a phone son, its a goddamn phone"

 

Some of these are gold...i actually thought of signing up for twitter while reading these.

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"Son, no one gives a shit about all the things your cell phone does. You didn't invent it, you just bought it. Anybody can do that."

 

"You look just like Stephen Hawking...Relax, I meant like a non-paralyzed version of him. Feel better?... Fine. Forget I said it."

 

"Remember how you used to make fun of me for being bald?...No, I'm not gonna make a joke. I'll let your mirror do that."

^^ haah my uncle is going to be saying that shit

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"Don't ask for my opinion then. I said congrats on the car, just saying nobody's panties are getting wet from a fucking Honda Accord."

 

"I didn't say you were ugly. I said your girlfriend is better looking than you, and standing next to her, you look ugly."

 

yesssss.

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I can't remember why, but my dad once kicked and punched a horse in the face a couple of times, and (from all accounts I've heard) almost knocked it out, but my grandma stopped him. This was when he was a pro kickboxer, so I'm inclined to believe it.

 

That quote made me think of it, and now it's bothering me that I can't remember why he did it

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I can't remember why, but my dad once kicked and punched a horse in the face a couple of times, and (from all accounts I've heard) almost knocked it out, but my grandma stopped him. This was when he was a pro kickboxer, so I'm inclined to believe it.

 

That quote made me think of it, and now it's bothering me that I can't remember why he did it

 

I was feeding a cow some grass was I was 14...I clocked it with a right hook for no reason...I've always felt bad about that....I'm sure the cow is over it now...on account of him being steak....mmm meat...no homo.

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I always wonder what it would of been like to grow up around farm animals. My mom grew up on a farm in Virginia (which is where my dad was vacationing when he kicked the horse in the face haha), and even though my grandma still lives there, there hasn't been any livestock since before I was born.

 

My mom used to ride a horse to school, and would regularly eat animals that the day before had been her pet. It's weird to me, what a fuckin hillbilly ha

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"The worst thing you can be is a liar....Okay fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but THEN, number two is liar. Nazi 1, Liar 2"

 

 

YES

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"War hero? No. I was a doc in Vietnam. My job was to say "This is what happens when you screw a hooker, kid. Put this cream on your pecker."

 

 

"A parent's only as good as their dumbest kid. If one wins a Nobel Prize but the other gets robbed by a hooker, you failed."

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