Alcoholism

[tatanka]

i drink pretty much every night. Once and while, all day but only get real shitty 1 to 2 times a month or less sometimes. I drink but still function and have a lot more to do in life than let drinking or moderate drug use ruin my life and what i enjoy besides.

[shai]

So i've been trying to approach making other changes in my life in the same manner that i managed to quit drinking.

I.E. personality flaws. I find my asshole-ish ways are causing problems. Not severe, life-ruining shit, but enough that i want to address it. It's a much less tangible 'addiction', so it's harder to catch myself at times. And perhaps the lack of repercussions is another factor in how (un)aware of it i am. Does anyone have any experience with this? Before i go Google shit and sift through all that i figured i'd ask you guys.

Any insight is appreciated.

 

Everyone thinks I'm this super nice and compassionate person, but what they're really seeing is common courtesy. I do not suffer fools gladly, and given the opening I'm more than happy to let them know what's up and not be nice at all about it. I try to always speak my mind wherever appropriate, because not doing so has caused me no end of headaches...eventually it turns into one of those "Okay, do you REALLY want to know what I think?" situations and I unload on them. I've made people cry without even trying...I can be a sarcastic, bitter person and when someone mistakes my kindness for weakness they usually regret it.

 

And I LIKE it! I used to be accommodating and forgiving to a fault, and where did that get me? People would practically line up and wait for a chance to give me the business, and I let them...I thought that was how you made friends. It took me WAY too long to figure that shit out, and when I realized I was a human doormat that kind of fucked me up for a while. I'm still willing to give anyone a chance, and sometimes I'll give them a second chance but that's about it. It's why I'm single...I just do not do relationships well at this point in my life and I don't want to subject anyone to that, most of all myself.

 

As long as you aren't going out of your way to be a jerk or taking your shit out on other people because you can't deal with it in a healthy manner, I'm all for being a strong black woman. Wait...what were we talking about again?

[shai]

And I had a lousy evening Monday followed by a really manic Tuesday...the kind of day that makes people shut down a bar then go home and kick the dog. But I didn't drink. It just didn't occur to me that it was an option. I'm beginning to wonder what the hell is going on...I don't mind that the urge isn't there, but the fact that something that's been in the front of my mind since high school just up and left practically overnight is damned strange.

[OhMyGosh!]

So i've been trying to approach making other changes in my life in the same manner that i managed to quit drinking.

I.E. personality flaws. I find my asshole-ish ways are causing problems. Not severe, life-ruining shit, but enough that i want to address it. It's a much less tangible 'addiction', so it's harder to catch myself at times. And perhaps the lack of repercussions is another factor in how (un)aware of it i am. Does anyone have any experience with this? Before i go Google shit and sift through all that i figured i'd ask you guys.

Any insight is appreciated.

 

POZ. For me, as Im sure ive said before in this thread, 99 percent of the poor choices Ive made in my life were because I was being selfish in some way. I placed what I wanted in front of how it could possibly effect somebody else. This has unfortunately been true years and years into sobriety. Although I have gotten better in a whole bunch of ways, it is still a struggle for me in many ways. The solution (as vague as it sounds) has been to earnestly work on being less selfish...whatever that means. If I am focused on helping somebody else, or on how they feel, that is often enough to not act the way I so often do. An old sponsor of mine used to give me an 'assignment' to help 3 people during the day. It could be anything from giving an extra dollar tip, or holding the door for somebody, letting a car merge or go before me...something simple. BUT, the catch was, that I wasnt allowed to tell anybody about it except for him, the next time we talked. I found that even if I wasnt able to do 3 things, I still had much better days...because I was walking around looking for ways to be helpful/better somebodies life. Take it for what its worth..

 

That being said:

but like anything else, addictions and all..it comes down to finding your conscious mind while trying to make a split second decision and deciding -IS IT WORTH IT??

Getting to this point, takes a great deal of practice and failure. And sadly, most addicts trying to govern themselves usually make the wrong decisions. For me, its helped to run it past somebody. If I can do that, instead of just acting or reacting. Things end up better for me. A similar question I used to ask myself is, "HOW IMPORTANT IS IT?" Most of the time, for me, things arent all that important when it comes down to it. They are just things that I really want..which usually means that I am acting selfishly...and I just talked about what can be done to render that.

 

strength is contagious.

 

^^^Wise words.

[fat ralphy]

PoZ i know you aren't big at the AA thing at all but the step work does hella address the personality flaws.

 

One huge thing for me was realizing I had a role in most ofthe things I was holding against people. And using the program motto of looking at those who wrong us as sick people....which is pretty true when you think of peoples behavior/insanity, I realized most people deserve a pass for a lot. Especially if my giving them a pass means im not wasting my efforts to get all bent out of shape.

 

Also this really helped me to improve my relationships with family.

 

Mad props to SMXXL....I see you through my other social networks and I know how much you do for your girl, nice to hear how focused your priority gets for the right things and that is one hell of a comeback story.

[brothhalynch]

forties of lager beer now thats bad

[george jetson]

so i've finally made the move to stop drinking for at least a month. its been a little over a week now and its been a mix of good and bad.

 

the good:

never being hungover, barely smoking any cigarettes now, sleeping better, working out more, getting more + quality work done, saving a ton of money, eating better.

 

the bad:

going out less. gets boring. seems like "going out drinking" really scratches and itch in some way shape or form and i haven't found a way to cure that yet. any ideas/input?

 

right on to all you in here. i've been lurking this thread for quite a while and when i dropped a small "situation report" a few months back your responses (though they weren't what i had hoped to hear at the time) did wake me up to some facts regarding the way i handle things. its nice to have this spot to hear people speak.

[shai]

I stopped for a month two and a half months ago.

 

I still smoke and have sleep problems but that's anxiety for you. I lost some weight along with the hangovers, so that's a huge plus. I never have money, so that's kind of a non-issue and an advantage at the same time. I don't go out as much, which suits me fine since it gives me more time to be productive. I don't have the urge to drink at all, which is puzzling to say the least but I wouldn't say it's bothering me.

 

Generally I try to not see change as a hindrance. I'm not saying that's where you're at, but not drinking doesn't get in the way of anything I want to do so much as it allows me the clarity to make better decisions and not worry about the dumb shit. If being around booze makes you want to drink, consider this- the party ain't going anywhere, so you aren't missing anything you haven't seen a million times already....make your time away from the party count and enjoy yourself.

[CityonSMASH]

[sayWORD?]

yesterday was the first day i havent drank in a very long time.

couldnt fall asleep until almost 6am.

the anxiety was killing me, woke up sweating every ten minutes it seemed.

 

been binge drinking hard lately.

st pattys didnt help.

 

gonna try to chill out for a bit.

[yardwanderer]

i dont know if you asked or wanted to hear all of that, or if i even touched on what you had in mind, but like anything else, addictions and all..it comes down to finding your conscious mind while trying to make a split second decision and deciding -IS IT WORTH IT??.

 

wise

[PITOFZOMBIES]

Thanks for the feedback, folks.

 

Life is good.

[sayWORD?]

fuck it.

ill never fucking quit.

miserable with it, miserable without it.

 

what was that, a whole 36 hours?

i give up.

 

boredom and self loathing when im sober are two foes i just cant conquer.

 

hate this fucking shit with a passion.

[PITOFZOMBIES]

Find a hobby. the self loathing subsides with time. boredom is part of life. it doesn't have to consume all of your time though. learn to appreciate things as they are, not a distorted version of them.

[Will Ferreal]

fuck it.

ill never fucking quit.

miserable with it, miserable without it.

 

what was that, a whole 36 hours?

i give up.

 

boredom and self loathing when im sober are two foes i just cant conquer.

 

hate this fucking shit with a passion.

 

i feel this right now. im right there

[CityonSMASH]

Thanks for the feedback, folks.

 

Life is good.

 

[sayWORD?]

COS dude you are such an attention seeking faggot it amazes me.

 

go start one of your barely readable, incoherent babbling infested threads to post your gay recycled internet images on.

 

coming from a dude who spelled reluctantly wrong twice two different ways in one sentence, your opinion means dick all.

 

i think the sedin sisters need their yearly dick suck, see you in the hockey thread you herb.

[yardwanderer]

whoa whoa whoa

 

it's corny but this type of shit makes me keep my boots laced

 

 

1 love to all my people in the struggle

[yardwanderer]

fuck it.

ill never fucking quit.

miserable with it, miserable without it.

 

what was that, a whole 36 hours?

i give up.

 

boredom and self loathing when im sober are two foes i just cant conquer.

 

hate this fucking shit with a passion.

 

i feel you but you are gonna "fail" over and over until you realize it takes a long ass time to feel different.

 

it's the same as if you quit dope.. your body and mind will not be like it was for months or even years.. any seriously addictive substance or activity takes a long, long time to overcome.

 

missteps are a part of the process.

 

maybe you go 36 hours now.. and soon 64 hours.. and so forth. you need to see the small triumphs instead of lumping all experiences into a failure

 

the only thing you can do is find other ways to cope with the stress whether it's thru work or otherwise..

 

but it's not easy or instant!!

[anybody_wanna_peanut?]

i can vouch for that yardwanderer...you do eventually feel better after a few months..the hard part is getting there. the only way i can seem to do it is being institutionalized . Im struggling today also. i have 3 day today and im very depressed and anxious. Im sick of life. im sick of seeing people beat something im struggling so hard with. im so fucking lost. i signed in here to feel like i had someone to talk to. stay up guys.

[yardwanderer]

u need to find incentive to stay clean.. whether it's talking to other ppl, going outside, work.. like i said..

 

for me the best thing when my mind starts to go bad is some exercise / weights.. anything to make you sweat and work so i feel like i have something to lose if i go back to old habits.

 

cause my life changed up and im in a transition.. i haven't worked for the past couple weeks. that sucks, cause it's hard to fill all the empty space. so i do little things here and there and trying to find something steady for the next few months.

 

another thing that is keeping me in a good place is the fact that next fall i will be back in the process of getting my degree.. that's important to me, and a big incentive to maintain positivity.

 

you need to realize what's at stake in your life as it stands, but it can also help tremendously to pursue goals and dreams that you ignored due to addiction and life circumstances.

 

it doesn't matter how "small" a positive action may seem. if you did good for yourself or others, at the end of the day you will surely know it.

 

when you got an addiction you're just looking forward to the next bag or drink or whatever.. the beauty of moving past that is realizing goals and living life beyond yourself. helping not only yourself but others. doing positive things and becoming positive despite a negative past.

 

that's a powerful action.

[schadillac]

 

http://www.amazon.com/Power-Habit-What-Life-Business/dp/1400069289

 

Good book

[anybody_wanna_peanut?]

seems like you got it together yard...i also just got laid off last week, which has given me way to much time to think and get depressed. its like sayword said, i feel misreable either way, but at least the drugs make me sleep and not think, but like yard said, it gets worse. im fighting a constant battle

[Sleazeside Heights]

i don't work either. Trying to find it is a real pain in the ass. been sleeping til 3 everyday. That part has to change.

[anybody_wanna_peanut?]

at least you can sleep bro. its so fucked trying to find a job, finally got one, and got fired basically bc this dude dosent like me. my girls got a bottle of wine in the fridge i feel like chuggin and i havent had a drink in a year. been strugglin with h and subs. honestly i dont even wanna wake up, i feel like its groundhogs day or some shit.

[anybody_wanna_peanut?]

jerzys such a shit hole. i cant go a day without seein a dope dealer. even kids in the burbs are all fucked on the h. who isnt a fuckin addict these days?

[fat ralphy]

going strong fellas....been doing it without meetings for the most part

 

been working out at least 5 times a week.

 

got a job offer at a treatment facility and an interview on friday for another gig.

 

 

when shit gets rough in the first 48 hours you got to think about how fucking sick of using you are....if you aren't to that point then your not there yet. sobriety is nothing that you can force, it will only come when you want it.

[SMdoubleXL]

i feel you but you are gonna "fail" over and over until you realize it takes a long ass time to feel different.

 

yes.

ever realize how life throws yoiu the same fucking scenario over and over again until the time you handle it different, and then you can chalk it up to a lesson learned.

 

but at least the drugs make me sleep and not think,

 

 

we cannot convince you of this, but life is gonna happen whether you are sober and dealing with it head on, or fucked up and just floating through it.

hopefully you will get to that point when you can deal with the lows, and accept that when the highs come, you deserve it. but you cannot get there unless you are forced to THINK through each situation

 

 

when shit gets rough in the first 48 hours you got to think about how fucking sick of using you are..

 

this

 

every fucking time my supply ran out- because i had no sense to ween my self, it would take me daaaaaayys of no sleep, night sweats, vomiting, and my fucking arms and legs would twitch uncontrollably. it was very obvioous, and when people around me asked what was wrong, i had them convinced it was all due to nerve damage from the surgeries.

 

after a few days would pass, i would convince someone to give me a few pills, just so i could tame the twitching, which led me to hittinup my candy man and droppin 100-200 for a few nights relief. i had no idea what moderation was. then it was time to go back to the dr, get refills, wash rinse repeat.

for the last year, it was like this about every 4-6 weeks.

the last time, (back in january) i really had to stop and think---the withdrawls were so much worse than any high i could feel anymore. and i fucking hated the twitches..ugh.

i get them occasionally still.

 

i have learned to actually sleep. fall asleep on my own. no more sittinup, head nodding and doing the pill itch and scratch , and feeling like shit the next morning. I may only get 4-5 solid, but it sure the hell beats sleeping and missing life.

 

i guess my point was, i learned that i got sick and tired of the withdrawl part, and after those 48 hrs, i realized (stop and think with a conscious mind)- that after a few days more, i will be that much further away from having to go through that again.

 

thank you fat Ralph for the comment last page. and keep up your good work and positive words. I guess people really do pay attention.I never put my pill issues too much out there, but when u see it in writing, it makes you see it differently.

[SMdoubleXL]

ps.

 

im not shy, and very willing to hand out a number

 

i know i cant offer much but a mild source of entertainment, a time passer, and/or an ear to listen.

 

just ask

[yardwanderer]

seems like you got it together yard...i also just got laid off last week, which has given me way to much time to think and get depressed. its like sayword said, i feel misreable either way, but at least the drugs make me sleep and not think, but like yard said, it gets worse. im fighting a constant battle

 

i know what you're going thru.. certain areas of my life, i have together. i can support myself and get through the days. however, other areas.. need work. everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses depends on your lot in life..

 

the shit is like a temporary patch because as soon as you wake up the next morning all the bad things come back.. and after you do something day after day after day for years you forget what it was like "before"..

 

on the real.. depression is also a big problem in my life. i am in a constant battle against it. i definitely don't have all the answers and i never will. the way i have to view it is.. i can let it win, but if i keep fighting i can never really lose. what the fuck else can you do?

 

ralphy congrats on your sobriety. and this:

 

"when shit gets rough in the first 48 hours you got to think about how fucking sick of using you are....if you aren't to that point then your not there yet. sobriety is nothing that you can force, it will only come when you want it."

 

wise