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So I've decided I need to start a hipster band

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Well worth the read.

 

http://minneapolis.craigslist.org/hnp/muc/2185820140.html

 

"So I've decided I need to start a hipster band. Here is what I've got, and what I need.

 

I am a bass player. I have the look, and that's the primary job of the bass player. I am such a hipster, than to me, even dressing like a hipster is too mainstream for me. My hipster look is so indie, ironic and underground that on most days, I look like a normal person. Skinny Jeans? no, sorry...way too mainstream. I wear Eddie Bauer relaxed fit, and they are not too tight or too loose. This is who I am. Typically, my shirts match my pants in some way too. Ironic. That's what I bring to the game. Image is nothing, and yet image is everything. Kinda like those sprite commercials from the 90s. I also have a bass and ironically, an amp. I also have a casiotone and an octave pedal so i will be playing some "bass-esque" lines on that.

 

Singer: I need this position to be filled by a female. Everyone knows that hipster band's coolness factor always increases tenfold when it's a girl singer, and if you are of average talent, you probably won't make it here. I want one (or two) of the following: Terrible singing ability, artsy singing ability (like bjork, or Paris Hilton), or you are ironically a great singer. (if you can do all three, I have ideas for a great concept album). Average talent won't cut it. Can you play an instrument? it's not mandatory, but if you can, it's a bonus. Acoustic guitar preferred, but I hope that you can back it up with an almost masterful grasp of the Oud. Also, if you can play, please also have an ironic instrument--ukulele, mandolin, acoustic guitar (double ironic), accordion, or rock band controller. Looks are important, namely your clothing. You have three choices--Hipster, ironic hipster, or business casual. Please, no relaxed fitting jeans and a matching shirt--that's my thing.

 

Guitar player: This can be male or female, I don't care. I need you to play an old guitar (please, no vintage) preferably from a company that nobody has heard of. Russian imports from the 70s and 80s are an absolute bonus. Also, if you play the guitar, you play the synth/piano. What synth do you play? your choice. I am bringing a casiotone to the game, so if you have a yamaha PSR-110, that's a great match, otherwise, you can be ironic and bring a roland fantom and rock our socks off. Piano is great, but keep in mind weight--if you bring a baby grand, I probably won't help you carry it to the gig, or ironically, I will.

Band drama is a plus. Obviously the more you bring to the table, the better. If you could have some romantic interest in the singer, that'll earn you extra points. I need there to be some tension between the two most creative members of the band, because that's where hipster magic starts. When she hangs out with some random bass player from an ironic band, you write songs about tearing your heart out, and when she even glances in your direction, you need to be so inspired that you write songs about hipster love, like running through fields and eating blueberries and holding hands and all that stuff. Desperation is a plus. Looks? you need to be the most straightahead hipster off all time. Skinny jeans, a tshirt with a reference from the 80s, a tight leather jacket, keds, snuggies, scarves, capes, or keds...just ideas here...I am just laying a bassline here, you can riff on the clothing all you want. The irony here is that you are full on hipster. This will be so ironic, the hipsters in the front row will get nosebleeds and go home.

 

Drummer: whatever. I don't care what you look like, but you need to be able to play. Listen: I am a bass player and you are the drummer. There are famous rhythm sections in every genre of music, and even most subgenres. We will dominate the hipster music scene, partly in the way I dress and look uninterested while I play, and you in your ability to drum. I also want to have a section in our concerts where we break out from the mainstream hipsters and break into a crazy Jungle D 'n B techno trance electro dream scape ironic hipster freakout.

Also, Please have one PBR shirt. Unwashed if you can stand it.

 

Rehearsals will be decided by the seasons. In the summer, we will go to the lakes and play acoustic with a guitar case in front of us, and then when people throw money in, we will act like it's not all about the money. In the Fall, we will go downtown and feel smug about how cool we are, and how uncool the suits are. In the Winter, we will practice inside because it's really cold. In the spring we will play to celebrate the end of the winter half of the year in the Northern hemisphere. The days steadily growing longer, the trees and flowers coming into bloom as all of nature awakens, and the cattle being led out to pasture again. We will celebrate plants, fire, and fertility.

 

Ironically, we will not play more than 1-2 gigs a year. Mainstreamers gig. That's lamestream.

 

Ironically, we will record like crazy. Putting out 1-2 cds per month for years at a time. We will also record practices adding in audience noises, so that it sounds like we are playing gigs in places people haven't heard of, and they aren't cool enough to be told about them. IYDKYDG is what it's all about.

 

Recordings won't be sold anywhere, but they will be leaked online. Mainstreamers go about the normal record distribution channels. We are hipsters.

 

We will make music videos, largely consisting of us play on a pontoon in lake calhoun, and we have a inside joke about nutella and the drummer, and we commonly talk about it, but nobody will know what we are talking about.

 

Drugs are mainstream, so no drugs, and alcohol is ok, but only ironic alcohols, like aquavit and Coors. I was recently informed that Zima is now considered ironic, so please bring an appreciation for the ironically refreshing taste of Zima.

 

Occasionally we will all dress as select founding fathers (and mothers, like betsy ross for the singer) in period correct clothing, and we won't tell anyone why."

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damn son you have that much trouble getting hipster laid? You dont need a band. All it

takes is cocaine and pabst.

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Serious question.

 

So sunday i was walking down the street and found a little ziploc bag with about 40 blue pills on the sidewalk.

So i looked it up later and they turned out to be 20mg xanax.

I dont fuck with pills like ever and tend to stay well away from cats that are about that....but i like money so whats the value on that shit ?

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You mean 20mg total right? There is no such thing as a 20 mg xanax. Usually the blue ones are 1 mg and the .5 are peach colored and shaped like either pies or footballs. These are the most common generics you see on the streets. So if you found 40 blue xanax i would expect you found 40mg. Its possible you could get $2 per mg but not likely. If I had 20 mg i would ask for $30 and expect to get it reasonably quick

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so my grandma lost her prescription xanax saturday night after church bingo, and now i dont know what to do, her panic attacks have been getting exponentially worse.

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really. Xanax gives me anxiety. As soon as you develop a benzo habit they become like cigarettes. If you didn't smoke cigarettes you wouldn't need them to relax. If i was to take 2 mg xanax all it does is make me want more which is manifested by discomfort and apprehension. Not a good habit.

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Hmmm thanks

Cause pills coke and herion i know nothing about..

Now i just need to turn that blue to green without slapping anybody cause this place is the reason i stopped hustling wacky tobacky in the first place.

Wiggers walk around with electronic scales weighing 20 sacs of shake right in front of you.

 

 

K no more drug talk.....

 

Carry on with the old news thread

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Serious question.

 

So sunday i was walking down the street and found a little ziploc bag with about 40 blue pills on the sidewalk.

So i looked it up later and they turned out to be 20mg xanax.

I dont fuck with pills like ever and tend to stay well away from cats that are about that....but i like money so whats the value on that shit ?

 

thread relevance = zero

 

 

but i'll overlook that

 

you send them to me and i'll email you their street value

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I have a pair of Eddie Bauer jeans, they are pretty good jeans IMO

 

I read the first paragraph and realized this is NOT a funny

zd1pti-560x420.jpg

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