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heartsonfire

Attn: Friends of boxcarwilly

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This may or may not come as a surprise to alot of you, but it will probably hit you

as hard as it hit me. I am not a writer nor do I know anything about the graffiti

scene, just that Willy loves it. It continues to be something that he dreams and

talks of. Not to reveal alot of information but I knew this would be an easy way to

let people whos emails I don't have know.

He is alive, although he tried to kill himself over the week, his parents went to

Philadelphia to pick him up and get him. Apparently from reading his writings and

knowing him closely for years this was going to happen. We are all just very lucky

he made it through, but now comes the hard part.

I know he loves and respects many of you,you can write to his email:

fallenxshaun@hotmail.com

or if you know his parents number give a call. I am sure he would be appreciative.

 

I think he has made an impact in alot of people's lives and is having a rough spot.

 

Thank you for listening.

 

 

 

tidied up a bit of the incriminating stuff, I sincerely wish Willy a speedy recovery and a long and happy life.

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.......:( .......

 

i dont know really what to say, i was just wondering where he was the other day.....im floored....after reading his posts about the nyc economic summit and his feelings on political and social issues throughout my time here, i began to think that this guy was one of the good ones, that he could change something, small or big, but make it just the same....im sure he'll pull himself back up, this will make him grow and still evoke those changes....i dont know him at all except from here, but it hurts just the same....best wishes boxcar....

 

 

sorry you had to drop the news hearts, but thanks just the same....

 

 

i need to go get a breathe of fresh air....

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holy crap , yeah its hard to know what to say , but shit thats rough , i hope he gets a better outlook on life .

this is getting slept on , im copying it to channel zero .

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Yo Williy man, I don't know you personally and i'm not sure if you'll even read this. But I hope you get better. Life is wonderful and I'm sure you will continue to not only to enjoy it but live it to the fullest.

 

Stay up bro.

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wow...this is one of those things that hits you like a ton of brocks...I talked to him a few times on AIM and he seemed like a cool cat.

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get better.

 

we get one chance at this here thing called life.. we all need to constantly push ourselves to accomplish the things we want to do.. be this in any way, graffiti, art, sports, politics, etc.. don't stand for bullshit in your life, if something is hurting you or bothering you, get the fuck away from it... if your job is making you crazy, quit that shit. dont live life suffering, make all changes that are necessary.

 

 

on another side note.

generally depressions come and go, ive had several of them, some more intense than others.. alot of the time your friends, family, etc. are gonna tell you to go see a pyschologist/psychiatrist (sp). More times than not if youre feeling "depressed" you will be told that it's recommended you take medications.. whatever it be, prozac, celexa, etc etc. Stay away from this bullshit. You're fully capable of getting yourself out of a depression without any bullshit drugs. I took them for 2 years, and they do nothing but fuck with you.

 

 

 

self-liberate!

 

 

 

..ataker.

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damn, this really hits me, just the other day i was looking at the piece he did in the journal, and i was amazed by it, he has so much talent. and was always a cool ass guy. i hope for a good recovery.

 

and boxcar, dude, dont give up when times are hard, weve all been through them, and hard times come and then they go. i sincerely hope everything in your life will work out for the best

good luck and godspeed.

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thats fucked up. what else can be said? young or old he's been through shit we wouldnt want ta deal with. and he kept mobbin. sometimes society takes its toll. fuck it. stay strong

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Man just yesterday one of my teachers shot himself in the head, somehow the bullet went through his brain, but did not kill him, he actually recently has been able to talk. I really dont get why people try this shit, if they would just realize the impact it had on the people aorund them..

 

I wish boxcar the best of luck, and I am happy to say that i am verry happy he is still alive, i only have talked to him on aol for short periods of time, but he told me of his trip to India. smart guy, good luck man. Glad your still here.

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its called depression....ive tried to strangle myself when i was extremely depressed, sad, and rejected, i blacked out and got scared as fuck because i realized i had fucked up and i thought i was really dying...depression sucks...its one of the worst things there ever is

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didnt my exact same thread just get closed ?

it was only for exposure anyhow but..........

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Originally posted by SMART

this doesn't really belong in Ch0, so... I'm gonna close this thread, and sticky the one in 3rd Rail... plus a little sum sum...

 

and to channel zero it goes.

 

I'm hoping someone that is friends with boxcar can post an update on his health. I'd like to know he's doing good or out of the hospital.

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Guest willy.wonka

people who try to kill themselves piss me off..

 

sorry...whatever it is boxcarwilly.....it really is nothing...sometimes i would like to kill myself,but i figure.."what the fuck?! ima miss out on so much.."death is a gift to me,but you have to live life through.

keep on trucking

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Originally posted by Pistol

and to channel zero it goes.

 

no, I moved this there, so I could move it back to the 3rd Rail and leave a redirect, but, then I got distracted talking to Ouija and forgot to move it back...

 

now, speaking as someone who's lost 3 CLOSE friends to suicide and another to accidental suicide, it is selfish, and it's a waste... it's like you can leave more than a mark, you can leave a dent, but suicide just leaves a hole...

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It's always sad to hear about somebody trying to commit suicide. Usually people do such things as a form of escape--to exit an intolerable situation. Gotta wonder what's the deal with Boxcar. Hope he's getting the help he needs to get better.

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Originally posted by Smart

it's like you can leave more than a mark, you can leave a dent, but suicide just leaves a hole...

 

 

wow, i like this quote a lot. thanks. get well soon.

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Guest imported_Tesseract

I dont know you either boxcar, i've only read few stuff from you and enjoyed your 'trip' threads..i dunno, just checking in to wish you the best, Get well

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man, i don't know you except from on here (you seem like a good person). i have to say that's sad news. i hope you get through this bit, in fact i wish you will.

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Guest Agt. Adopus

Yo Boxcar. hope you feel well. Being able to meet you was a great impact to me and many others I am sure. You're dedication to art struck me. Your personality amazed me... And I am happy I got to share words with you for the short time I did. I am privaliged I got to meet you and become close. Close in a way that I felt secure with you. Not marginalized, Not unsure and not insecure. Even though we only spent 30-45 minutes with each other I honestly got closer to you then alot of others I have met through my travels. I devolped trust and security within such a short time and that is a distance I do not reach often with people in such time. Maybe I feel close to you because your personality made in impact on me that others hadn't. Maybe I feel we should meet again. But I really believe that you've got a heart and mindset that many do not.

 

Much respect and Much hope,

Adopus.Sb

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Guest greedy mars

boxcar will. i hope you get better... although people may not show that they care for you or love you when there around you doesnt mean that they dont love you or want to be around you.. people got to realize that your noticed all the time.. i dont know why people put there lives to an end thinking theyll be noticed more.. its true though people usually arent comfartable saying they love you or showing that they want to be around you but its not common to see that.. people got to show other people that there being loved. not some raggy piece of shit.. life goes on .. who gives a fuck if you got beef. where all human you gotta realize that.. i dont know what i just said but if you understand it.ok.. hope you get better ..

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Guest sneak

its awfull wen sum1 thinks the best way to deal with problems is suicide.

 

we shud make one giant 12oz get well soon card and email it to him.

 

get well soon, and get back to posting!!!

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resurrection to quit.

 

thank you. to everyone who shows words of support and even frustration. this whole situation would take alot

of explanation, but at the same time none. so ill try to explain a little and then let you all decide. the attempt to say suicide is a selfish act is wrong and hypocritical, yes it may seem selfish but on the same token so is the desire to want the person to fill voids and expectations you cannot acheive by yourself. all humans are dependent creatures and when part of that dependency creates a hole what does the human do, judges and says it was faulted. what if the hole is to teach a lesson to bruise them into change? just a thought.

 

i still continue to believe and practice the belief that suicide is not wrong, it cannot be judged. suicide for me was not an attempt to make anyone angry or seperated, more of an attempt to do every humans inate desire to end the suffering, just ending it right. people suffer and mask it in so many ways buying dope clothes, painting having a nice house, i didnt want to go through the coping mechanisms anymore, and still dont. suicide is not weak, it is not a cop out, humanity dies anyway so the desire to speed it up sometimes outweighs the desire to slow it down.

 

as for depression the doctors feel i have this thing called dysthymia, basically a name for a person who is always depressed whether they mask it well or not, and this depression feels like the world is on them, tho there is ups and downs (it usually sits hand in hand with bipolar issues) the lows are bad enough, and then when severe depression hits the dythemic gets what is known as double depression and usually attempts to off himself. i lend some belief to this diagnosis but i dont think that the human mind is that easy to sum up. and continue to believe that if a doctor can absolutely prove to me that i need medication i will take it. but right now i dont see any hard evidence. i also have insisted on doctors who are able to sign confidentiality agreements and give me control of my treatment, (ie no checking me in without me being able to sign myself out) i am old enough to make my own decisions whether sane in others eyes or not.

 

onto the issue of why. why would i do something like this. to say that there is only one reason, girls money beef lies whatever would prove me to be crazy, insane and not able to think clearly. there are a ton of reasons and there are no reasons. this may sound dichotomous but it is we are by nature two sided we are male and female left and right positive and negative. it was really just an attempt to end the suffering and prevent anymore. yes there are things i could have done if i desired to kick it on the earth anymore, i could paint more i could start a family but those all lead to some form of suffering. do the goods outweigh the bads, sometimes yes, do i want to wait and find out sometimes yes.

 

these are some letters attempting to explain to people in my life where i stand right now. with nerve damage and big red wrists.

 

things have gotten a little messy (understating). alot had piled up over the past months and just kept piling. and there is no specific reason i just didnt want to deal anymore along with the thousand other things that did. on tuesday nite i was hospitalized for slitting my wrists, i wouldnt let them admit me because i needed to know id have some control over what i was left with seeing as i couldnt even kill myself right. i was supposed to see a doctor in philadelphia on friday (not my original psych. he hadnt contacted me in a couple weeks because his computer was broken), but on thursday nite my parents came and took me back home to get me "help" here. i dont really want to be here. i dont even know where i want to be. but i did make promises to the doctor and my mom that i would be stable until i "got help." my parents agreed to set me back up in Philly when i "get better" which i figure was just appeasement to get me to come home. in alot of ways i want help, and in a lot more i dont, i know what i have done for years hasnt worked, but everything i see doesnt really work it just clouds it over.

i am waiting for a referral from ****'s doctor but i dont even know where that leaves me. things arent so hot right now and i am just trying to make it til the next day.

sorry.

this was a letter sent to my spiritual master and to my original shrink in philly.

 

things are not meant to be personal. i am not dealing well, the question lies in when have i ever. my nerves and head are shot real bad one minute i think i should live the next minute i know that if i do its just going to be more fighting no matter where i am and that isnt what i want i didnt want to die on tuesday to make anyone mad or place blame or judge me i tried to die to take the burdens off and the pain away.

everyone including shrinks keep asking the main reason why, there isnt one specific reason there just is. id truly be crazy if there was if i tried because of a girl or money but only one specific reason id be a nutbag and should be committed i wanted to die to stop everything, the girls the money the spiritual side everything is a factor, at times somethings weigh mroe than others at times i dont even see it. they gave me a diagnosis of dysthymia which is chronic depression so bad that when severe depression hits you get what is called double depression, dysthymics carry the world on them every day and when the world jumps on them the collapse. i dont know how much of that i believe id say it is a valid summary of shaun, but i dont know how much of it is the actual prognosis, i know that there are so many other factors that a fifteen minute interview cant handle, they wanted to commit me, but they couldnt guarantee the needs i have be met, they wanted me on drugs but they couldnt guarantee theyd wrk. i have made a promise to the law (ha i am obeying it) and to my mom that i wouldnt try to do it again until i get help. thus not ruling anything out. i dont think suicide is a bad thing escapist yes but wrong no. so i am getting a referral to a doctor that specializes in depression and i will probably be gardening all summer but i dont want to be here i dont want to feel dichotomous in providence i feel more like dying here than anywhere else. i want to be in the studio i want to be painting and alot of times i want to be a coffin kid. please dont take any of this personally your feelings do mean alot and i do consider them, but this was about me getting what i needed and i failed at that too...

this letter summarizes basically what i said on top but on a more personal level.

 

 

 

 

thank you again to everyone who shows support, and everyone who shows anything. whether it registers or not is not your fault, you have all attempted to make some sort of comment and feeling, feeling and emotion is an amazing thing and so i stand with you in gratitude, i do think there will be some changes in my life. i walked into the hospital on weds nite with one person in mind, people close to me know that this person is not only the only person who understands me but is also the only one i am capable of forgiving and telling the "truth" to. but i do not think that suicidal thoughts or depression is something that goes away or is made better. there is no getting well, there is an attempt to live with it in a more socially acceptable way but there is no getting better, like an alcoholic is always an alcoholic a sucide case is always that. i have thought about it every day for as long as i can remember and i still think about it.

 

these are just thoughts and i would like to hear peoples opinions.

 

 

"the person who decides they have had enough suffering and wish to be allowed to die is in a situation we cannot call virtuous or not virtuous. we certainly cannot blame someone for making that decision. it is not a karmically negative act. it is simply to avoid suffering which is the fundamental wish of all beings..."

kalu rinpoche, buddhist teacher, "the tibetan book of living and dying"

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Jobe....

 

It's funny that you closed with that quote from the book of living and dying.... it actually made me chuckle as I remembered that Kalu Rinpoche kicked me out of his monastary several years back. I was just looking for a place to stay the night (the monastary is in the back end of nowhere in Ireland) and was refused - rather rudely in fact. The Rinpoche to his credit did put me in a car with his Irish gardener, who took me the twenty miles to the nearest town.

 

I was met by two stunning young Icelandic sisters who took me in, as it were, and we had a reunion with the gardener at the pub and closed it down. The Saturnalia ended with me waking up on the beach next to the two sisters, all of us with big grins wet clothes and throbbing headaches.

The moral of the story is that the joy we're given is always greater than the joy we read about but can never seize.

 

Levity does a body good.

 

The Purpose of Life is to be Happy.

 

Take care buddy.

 

Sonik.

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