CrazyLazy Posted June 25, 2004 Share Posted June 25, 2004 Dude. I'm really sorry to hear about that. Death is really hard to deal with. My brother died not even a year ago, and reading your words puts tears in my eyes just thinking about it. You really just have to take it one day at a time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
26SidedCube Posted June 25, 2004 Share Posted June 25, 2004 I'm sorry. No words for that. You're strong and intelligent, hang in there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhiteOx Posted June 25, 2004 Share Posted June 25, 2004 Rest in Peace don't let it get the better of you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
duh-rye-won Posted June 25, 2004 Share Posted June 25, 2004 Sorry for your loss, bro. keep your chin up and never blame yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PoutyDuck Posted June 25, 2004 Share Posted June 25, 2004 VILLAIN! Hello. I'm not sure where to start with this, so forgive my digressions. Mourn for her. That would be my first piece of advice. Any wound will heal with time, as long as it is given time to hurt. You were helpless to stop her. You loved her- any fool can see that by what you write. Obviously, if you loved her, and there was any possible way you could have stopped this from happening, you would have. No one blames you, except for yourself. This is understandable, but in time, you must depart from this way of thinking. You have all the power in the world in your hands- you have the power to change someone elses' life for the better. Remember her and smile. In the end, I suppose many believe all we are is so much dust. Keep her memory alive, and she will live with you. Replace your feelings of guilt with regret. Guilt is regressive, and will trap you. Regret is realizing what you are without, and is a beacon in the future, lit by the optimism of hope. You are a rational man. I'm glad that you realize nothing good would come of ending your own life. She forgives you- she loved you. Love is forgiving, and forgetting. Heaven, is where she is, where unhappiness is but a distant memory from a faraway place. You'll see her again. Patience. Just believe in destiny. Know that bipolarity is a serious condition, a chemical disturbance. She's free from that now. She's happy. Again, allow yourself to hurt. You won't feel better in a few weeks. Or a month. Maybe months or maybe years. But you will make it. You will love again. If you ever need someone to talk to, I'll give you my IM, email, whatever you need. I'll call you if you want to talk. If I thought a billion condolensces would make you feel better, I'd start talking now, and end sometime in late 2006. But what you need is time. Allow yourself to take it. And if you need anything, we of 12oz are here. Take care. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kr430n5_666 Posted June 25, 2004 Share Posted June 25, 2004 http://www.kak.ru/images/archive/15/d-design/ANDREY.jpg'> "You can't win em all, man." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
seeking Posted June 25, 2004 Share Posted June 25, 2004 if you find yourself back in detroit, get at me bro. xoxchios is on me. i wish you (and her family) the best. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villain Posted June 25, 2004 Author Share Posted June 25, 2004 If you are feeling suicidal or know someone who is: * call a doctor, emergency room, or 911 right away to get immediate help * make sure you, or the suicidal person, are not left alone * make sure that access is prevented to large amounts of medication, weapons, or other items that could be used for self-harm Damn it. I wish I learned more about bipolar. This website says it tends to worsen over the years. So sad. I honestly believe I could have cured her. Damn it. It even says that people with bipolar can develop symptoms of psychosis... which I had noticed because she was becoming stuck on some delusion about me. I tried to tell her it's not like that but she persisted. I should have fucking realized I was, in her words "beating a dead horse", and got her some help. She started rapid cycling after we broke up from periods of normalcy to mild to moderate, to severe depression. I just thought maybe if I kept talking to her maybe she would be alright. I thought the psychotic symptoms she was showing were odd.... I didn't know bipolar could develop psychotic symptoms. I also didn't know something like 20% of people with bipolar wind up killing themselves.... Fuck I hate myself. I had no fucking clue. If bipolar disorder were caused entirely by genes, then the identical twin of someone with the illness would always develop the illness, and research has shown that this is not the case. But if one twin has bipolar disorder, the other twin is more likely to develop the illness than is another sibling.7 Maybe love really was her cure. If I would have married her maybe that symbol of love would have been strong enough to shatter her delusions and stablize her. Words are simply not enough. She seemed very normal when I was with her and especially when I was with her and she was with her family. In most cases, bipolar disorder is much better controlled if treatment is continuous than if it is on and off. But even when there are no breaks in treatment, mood changes can occur and should be reported immediately to your doctor. The doctor may be able to prevent a full-blown episode by making adjustments to the treatment plan. Working closely with the doctor and communicating openly about treatment concerns and options can make a difference in treatment effectiveness. She wasn't even seeing a doctor. I guess I was the only thing keeping her stable for so long. Fucking shit. I shouldn't feel guilty but I can't help but feel very responsible for this. She was so lost and lonely. God she needed my help. I wish I never left her side. We shared everything. We did everything together. I didn't want to break up with her. I thought I was doing her a favor, but I see now I was wrong. She didn't deserve this. She was so sweet. I want to be with her so bad. To tell her I'll never leave her alone again. To always be there when she needs me. I was HER guardian angel.... but I withdrew.... I see now that this is characteristic of my disorder.... schizotypal personality disorder. Most likely induced by my medical condition. But I've pretty much always had a constricted affect and paranoia... probably because of social traumas I suffered as a kid. My god we could have cured each other! I was becoming antisocial again. I actually denied my antisocial and paranoid feelings to be with her because, well... she loved me! But my paranoid and antisocial feelings were always in the back of my mind and eventually they won out when I broke up with her.... I thought my life was shit, I was never going to amount to anything, I was only going to get into more shit with people.... I think we both needed to see a psychiatrist together. I had an alan watts quote in my signature before this happened... "On the other hand, the therapist who is really interested in helping the individual is forced into social criticism. This does not mean that he has to engage directly in political revolution; it means that he has to help the individual in liberating himself from various forms of social conditioning, which includes liberation from hating this conditioning--hatred being a form of bondage to its object." And I deliberately put a :mad: face after it because I knew that I was in bondage to my hatred. It was my bondage of hatred that kept me from my true desire of love which is what she wanted. FUCK I CHOSE HATRED INSTEAD OF LOVE! I should have realized that was not a good sign. I just thought she would be better off without me. Apparantly not. This sucks. I'm so tired of being a weirdo outcast always getting picked on and never fitting in anywhere.... I finally found somewhat who accepted me for who I was and loved me NO MATTER WHAT.... and now she's gone. Ughhh... life sucks. I've been saying life sucks for so long.... but it's different because I know now it could have been different.... instead I stayed stuck in the mud with my homocidal and suicidal thoughts because I thought I would just drag her down. I don't think I've ever opened up so much in my life. Never really had anyone to talk to most of the time. I tried explaining this to angel but her motherfucking social conditioning made her blame herself. That's when she had the psychotic delusions... I couldn't get through to her. She was so set in her mind she would only hear one thing from me.... that i would give us another chance... and instead i just gave her excuses for my pathetic self... oh, well i'm going to die soon.... i have too many health problems, etc... But she didn't care for any of that... she really loved me. God.... I don't think I'll ever get over this. People have been telling me to try and get it off my chest. And I've been saying how could I possibly do that? She's gone and there is no changing that. She needed love, I needed love. But instead I wished her luck and hugged my assault rifle. I'm such a dumbass. My self hate has grown exponentially. She was such a sweetheart. My god. I don't think I ever even heard her swear. And I have a sailors mouth obviously... I wish she would have tried to change me... but she only saw the good in me... she always said how I was so handsome and kind and intelligent and a gentleman.... I mean I always was around her but I told her how I felt. I guess it was kinda unbelievable. I'm regressive... I hide my emotions alot. She couldn't believe that either. I'm antisocial. Didn't believe that either. I told her just because I was a good conversationalist and I could bullshit on just about any subject didn't mean I was sociable. I guess my life is pretty unbelievable. People always have a hard time believing the shit I've gone through. I told her all this... and she had a hard time accepting it because of her own self esteem problems. I really wish I was there for her. Thanks so much for the kind words everyone.... And I think I would like to talk to you some time PoutyDuck. You sound like a very compassionate soul. I realize I can still help people, but it always seems that I cause more harm than good. I also think I'm at the point of no return.... where things are only going to get worse for me. I'm old beyond my years. With her at least I could rest assured I would have died happy. Your words are very kind. I would like to believe that she forgives me. But I don't know... She did write on the suicide note "Love is poison, when not reciprocated." but then she scribbled it out. I could still read it though.... I'm good at those kinds of things. I just wish I got her calls when she was dying. She was probably crying out... If I would have got them... hopefully I could have saved her.... I know she said before she went into a coma "It's not your fault mami", to her mother. I only wish I knew what she said to me.... When she could still talk, one of her messages was "i really wish you would pick up the phone..." She sounded like she was on the verge of tears.... My stupid cell phone battery was dead or something... and sometimes it shuts itself off... then that friday it was fucking up bad.... Of all the luck in the world. Thursday night and Friday night she tried calling.... I have about 4 messages I got too late. The last two she couldn't even talk.... Yes WrIot I am struggling with justifying my existence. The chaplain gave me a book called "The Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren. I am reading it. seeking: I don't know what xoxchios is but coming from you I assume it's a good thing. God bless you all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fugazi Posted June 25, 2004 Share Posted June 25, 2004 Watch Akira Kurosawa's "Ikiru". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slave_one Posted June 25, 2004 Share Posted June 25, 2004 Originally posted by villain The chaplain gave me a book called "The Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren. I am reading it. i have that book; unfortunately, i am too lazy when it comes to reading so i'm less than halfway through it. it's a really good book in my humble opinion; because everything i was reading so far was making sense to me; each chapter made me feel better about myself and helped me to know and understand God a little better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villain Posted June 25, 2004 Author Share Posted June 25, 2004 Originally posted by slave_one i have that book; unfortunately, i am too lazy when it comes to reading so i'm less than halfway through it. it's a really good book in my humble opinion; because everything i was reading so far was making sense to me; each chapter made me feel better about myself and helped me to know and understand God a little better. Yeah? I like it cause the chapters are real small and it suggests I read only a chapter a day... I don't feel like reading much right now so that is a good thing. I also like the fact that it's not a self help book, it's about god's purpose for my life. I've read quite a few self help books and I know they wouldn't help me at a time like this. This book is different... that is good. It made me kinda sad though cause the contract at the beginning suggests you read it with someone else... and of course the first person I thought of was her... She would have really enjoyed this book I think. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Devilush Posted June 25, 2004 Share Posted June 25, 2004 villain, wow. i just dont know what to say... i dont know you much but i've spoken to you on several occations on aim and i remember you talking about her. i'm sorry for your loss. my heart and prayers goes out to you to be strong in this situation. please dont blame yourself, everything happens for a reason. you know that i am here if you need me. email me if you want...just press that button below. <3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SilentBob Posted June 25, 2004 Share Posted June 25, 2004 I'm really really sorry to hear about all this Villain. The only thing I can say to you with confidence is don't let yourself ultimately succumb to bitterness for your own life. Obviously your girl loved you for a reason and would not want you to short change yourself... I'm not trying to say you shouldn't grieve though.. I'm on AIM if you feel like talking... Once again, much condolence... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villain Posted June 25, 2004 Author Share Posted June 25, 2004 Originally posted by Devilush villain, wow. i just dont know what to say... i dont know you much but i've spoken to you on several occations on aim and i remember you talking about her. i'm sorry for your loss. my heart and prayers goes out to you to be strong in this situation. please dont blame yourself, everything happens for a reason. you know that i am here if you need me. email me if you want...just press that button below. <3 Thanks Devilush... I know you have a very kind heart. I'm still looking for the reason though. She never wanted to hurt anybody. Of all the people in the world.... she had to leave me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Devilush Posted June 25, 2004 Share Posted June 25, 2004 Originally posted by villain I'm still looking for the reason though. honey, that is what time is for. time heals all wounds. Originally posted by villain She never wanted to hurt anybody. Of all the people in the world.... she had to leave me. i know you loved her. you even told me so. i've had two friends that have commited suicide because of their significant other. the first one found out that she was cheating and he hung himself. the second one was in love. his girlfriend (a bike messenger as so was he), got hit right in front of him riding. she died in his arms. for the years that i've known him, he's never gotten over it. he eventually commited suicide last month i think (he moved to portland in hopes to find a better place). in his room they found photos of his sf friends and his ex girlfriend. i guess it was too much for him. he really loved her. i guess my point of telling those two stories is that they never really told people how they felt. none of us knew it was coming. they kept their feelings in and didnt let time take its course ya know? and i dont want that to happen to you. time is really important, and no matter how long it takes to heal, you cant keep things in. i'm glad that you are seeing a psychiatrist for this and even posting on 12oz in which you can see, a lot of people sincerely care. just remember, i'm here if you need anything. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villain Posted June 25, 2004 Author Share Posted June 25, 2004 Ok Silent Bob.... I'll probably see you on AIM sometime... And I will speak with you as well Devilush. Thanks for being there. Looks like I should have taken your relationship advice sooner. Those are such sad stories. Such tragedy. So much hurt in the world. Makes me long for simpler times. So much for spending time at the family house. They need time to themselves. We all need more time. With her. I don't really know if time heals all wounds... It just kind of puts distance there. Sometimes that distance can give you perspective.... but I'm sure my feelings are not going to change about this.... This is my cross to carry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
panic Posted June 25, 2004 Share Posted June 25, 2004 I know you dont know me, and i dont know you, since i am new to this forum, but this tragic situation brought a tear to my eye. I am not an emotional person by any means, and i would normaly just continue with my day without being disturbed but i cant help but feel sorry for her family and for you. You must be strong, and stay alive. Just keep her in your heart and on your mind, she is smiling at you right now. Rest In Peace Angle. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cherry_Luv Posted June 25, 2004 Share Posted June 25, 2004 *tear* damn.... :( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villain Posted June 26, 2004 Author Share Posted June 26, 2004 I don't suppose anyone knows of a good psychic I could talk to about this? I feel like so much was left unsaid between us.... PoutyDuck: How might I contact you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alure Posted June 26, 2004 Share Posted June 26, 2004 sweetie, i dont have much to say, but my heart does go out to you. i'm left kinda speechless actually, but i'm all eyes and ears so if you need someone to talk to you can email me missalure@Hotmail.com and if you would like someone to speak with you can always call me to get it off your chest.. let me know if i can help.. much love Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jazzy maid Posted June 26, 2004 Share Posted June 26, 2004 hey villian, i know im just another handle to you probably but im deeply sorry for your loss, along with everyone else on here. The only thing i can say has already been said. But i know as long as you still care for her and love her as you do, time will heal this for you. Its really great to see you're taking the steps to healthily handling it and i hope you enjoy the purpose driven life as i have. If you ever want to talk, im more than willing to listen and talk. I hope the good times you two shared will help you through this too, remember them with endearment and good luck for turning around a life that hasnt seemed very fulfilling for you. RIP Angel. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WrIot Posted June 27, 2004 Share Posted June 27, 2004 hey man just checking to see how shit going cuz u really need sum1 to talk to hit me up on aim if u want >: tuonosey Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villain Posted June 27, 2004 Author Share Posted June 27, 2004 Hey all. You are very kind. Since WrIot asked, I've been drunk for about the last 30 some odd hours. I went to this blues bar and lo, this musician I talked to went through a very similar experience and offered encouraging words and gave me a hug and stuff. She said she had broken up with her boyfreind who was bipolar and he shot himself. I was far too wasted to drive home so I slept in my car and woke up and started drinking again (beer this time) because hangovers these days absolutely kill me. It feels like I reinjure every injury I ever had. I'm still in ALOT of pain 7 or so beers later. If Angel were here I'm sure she'd give me a great massage right now. I met some nice people, listened to good music, ate some good food, helped a homeless guy, and actually met someone who went through what I'm going through. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spike Posted June 28, 2004 Share Posted June 28, 2004 villain: seriously, my heart goes out to you. Losing someone is a terrible experience, and even worse when you feel you could have done something to stop it... I know what that's like. But if I had to tell you just one thing, it would be not to dwell on the what-ifs. I know it's tough not to, but what's happened can't be reversed, and going through all the possibilities will only tear you up worse. Yes, it sucks, and yes, this will probably be with you for the rest of your life, but you can't let yourself get stuck... and whatever you do, stop blaming yourself. You were trying to protect her, remember that. Even the purest of intentions can't change things if that's how they were going to end up... What shows your strength in life is not what you acheive... it's how you get yourself out of the pits of darkness and despair when things are wrong. And I'm sure you'll find your way out of these pits. Take care. -Spike RIP Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
T=E=A=S=E Posted June 28, 2004 Share Posted June 28, 2004 http://www.12ozprophet.com/forum/images/lockfolder.gif'> Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KillWhitey Posted June 28, 2004 Share Posted June 28, 2004 villain: believe in God Rely on God I wish you can understand Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
T.T Boy Posted June 28, 2004 Share Posted June 28, 2004 fuck it. sorry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villain Posted July 8, 2004 Author Share Posted July 8, 2004 SAMSARA Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fugazi Posted July 8, 2004 Share Posted July 8, 2004 Originally posted by villain SAMSARA Villain, this is PoutyDuck. Peace. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
!@#$% Posted July 8, 2004 Share Posted July 8, 2004 villain, i'm terribly sorry about your loss. however. stop blaming yourself. one person cannot change or control another person do not blame yourself. people can't get their friendss off drugs or alcohol, or keep a depressed person from commiting suicide.. it is not your fault, unless you pulled a trigger or held her down and forced her to ingest substances. i hope things get better for you homie. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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