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parent's guide to satanic rituals

Discussion in 'Channel Zero' started by lord_casek, Jan 30, 2006.

  1. lord_casek

    lord_casek 12oz Royalty

    Joined: Jan 24, 2006 Messages: 27,129 Likes Received: 1,055
    Your child comes home late every night. It has developed a curious habit lately of listening to heavy metal rock music. It no longer pays you any attention. It seems preoccupied. It spends more and more of its time away from home. You suspect that your child is experimenting with drugs. What can a parent do?

    Like millions of other American youths, your child has most likely joined a Satanic cult. Though you may be shocked when you realize the truth, it is important to bear in mind that all teenagers at one time or another join cults. It's something that most parents don't want to face or deal with, so they try to ignore it. Discussing Devil worship with your child can be almost as awkward as trying to talk about sex.

    Now that you run the risk of losing your child to a cult, how do you go about turning its interest back to the home and family? The answer is simple. Children tend to look elsewhere for things that are lacking in their own lives. If your youngster is attending rituals with strangers, it is because you are not providing what your child needs.

    Satanic cult ritual abuse should begin at home, with the family. While you and your spouse have been secretly worshipping Satan in the privacy of your bedroom, you should have been sharing this intimate ritual with your kids. Children want and need to be involved in abusive rituals to create bonds between other family members that are strong and lasting.

    Now that you know what you need to do, where do you begin?


    By and large, the main reason your children should worship the Devil is to help them develop Multiple Personality Disorders (MPDs). These are very special traits that most children need and most likely will not receive in school. The more you tear away at a child's self image, the stronger it becomes. A child can only develop healthy MPDs after experiencing years and years of cult abuse. Remember the first time your parents abused you during a Satanic ritual? Remember how good it felt?


    Choosing the right time to speak with your child is very important. Probably the best time for a discussion is when your child urgently needs to use the restroom. Sit it down and tell it that it can take care of its needs after you have a little chat. Abruptly slap the child in the face and tell it that it will not be allowed to leave the house at night anymore. If the child puts up a fight, slap it harder. Do not allow the child to go to the bathroom until it agrees to your demands.

    When it returns from the restroom, tell your child that it will be required to attend Satanic cult rituals with the family beginning the following day after supper. Slap the child again and send it to bed.


    Torture and pain release energy into the family circle and increase the spiritual power of the individuals. Rituals must be precisely completed as prescribed to prevent the wrath of Satan and his demons. The main reason for participation in rituals is to destroy self esteem and self confidence. Therefore, if anyone complains that the rituals make them feel bad, tell them that this is exactly how they are supposed to feel.

    Ritual #1: Testing the Feces

    On the first night, the family sits in a circle around a fire in the living room. One by one, each person stands and defecates onto a paper plate. After each family member has done their "duty", the plates are passed around the circle for inspection and testing. Testing is accomplished by placing a tablespoon of the feces on the back of the tongue. Explain to your children that they are eating pieces of Satan's body and that this is an honor. Should they be hesitant to taste the "food", threaten them by telling them they will be forced to go to church the following Sunday. This will prompt most children to immediately obey any command.

    During this ritual, the family should openly discuss their feelings. Ask your children to express any visual imagery they might be experiencing. After all the feces have been tested, throw them on the fire. The family should then say goodnight and retire for the evening.

    Ritual #2: Mommy Gets Tubed

    Begin the second night's ritual by saying a short prayer to the Devil. The mother's body is then suspended naked from the ceiling. The other family members take turns inserting tubes into the ears, nose, mouth, barnhole, and mystery hole of the mother. Once the tubes have been inserted, each person takes turns pouring liquids into the tubes to see what effect they have. Try using bleach, paint remover, insecticide, weed killer, or battery acid. Be creative. Mom will be sure to let you know how she feels by making funny faces and by creating some intriguing sounds.

    After she has been sufficiently tested, the remaining family members take turns lashing at Mom with a metal rod. After she has been properly beaten, put Mom to bed so that she may recover for the next night's ritual.

    Ritual #3: Sacrificing the Dog

    As you and your children should already know, any dog that is truly loyal is a dog that must be sacrificed. Begin by petting your furry trusting friend and giving him some treats. Then have the youngest family member nail the dog's feet to the floor. Do not bind the snout of the dog. The dog must be allowed to sing about its pain. Each person then takes part in removing the dog's skin, taking care not to burst any main arteries. The dog must remain alive during the skinning. Once the dog has been skinned, twenty thick needles are inserted through its muscle tissue. The dog's urgent, strained cries are heavenly music to Satan's delicate ears.

    After it has been tortured for a minimum of 90 minutes, throw the dog on the fire and do some serious chanting. When it stops breathing, the ritual is over. The family can now begin discussing what kind of dog they want next.

    Ritual #4: Sister Has a "Baby"

    Your daughter has made a serious error in judgment and tonight she must pay. She allowed herself to be impregnated by a black man, and this mistake must now be corrected. Have your son tie his sister securely to the dining room table with heavy rope. Each family member then lights a black candle and drips hot wax onto the daughter's breasts and eyelids. In this particular ritual, the daughter's mouth should be taped so that she cannot make any sound. This is her punishment for making such a bad mistake. The mock abortion then begins.

    The mother lifts the daughter's skirt and pretends to remove a large lizard from her barnhole. As soon as the lizard has been "born", it is sliced in half and eaten. Next, the father pulls slugs from underneath the daughter's dress as if she were "having" them. The son then pulls live pig embryos from the daughter's mystery hole that were inserted prior to the ritual. If all goes according to plan, the embryos will now float in a circle over the daughter's head chanting familiar nursery rhymes.

    All the family members then ridicule the daughter by telling her how ugly her barnhole is. They take turns making lacerations in her abdomen. The daughter is then untied and told that she is now healthy.

    Ritual #5: Like Father, Like Son

    Women can never worship Satan properly until they understand what makes men tick. This ritual begins with the mother and daughter showing homosexual porn videos to the father and brother. As the men become aroused, they remove their clothing and stand naked before the women. The father and son then perform mutually until they reach orgasm. As their seed falls to the floor, the women must catch it in little glass vials.

    The vials are then heated over an open fire. As soon as the semen boils, LSD is added to it. Each family member then ingests a small amount of the mixture. Once everyone is tripping, the family takes turns branding each other with a hot cattle prod. Remember...any pain that may be experienced is imaginary. The ritual ends with the family playing "Jingle Jangle" on kazoos.

    Ritual #6: Beating the Hell Out of Each Other

    The sixth ritual is relatively simple. After donning black gowns and meditating for a few moments, the family simply tries to kill one another. In this ritual, anything is game. Individuals may use knives, sticks, bats, or anything they deem will be useful to them to adequately injure other family members. The only stipulation during this ritual is that each individual must yell "Satan is Lord" prior to delivering any cuts or blows.

    After everyone has been cut up and beaten, any and all blood must be drained into a large aluminum bucket. Once the bucket is full, each person urinates into it. Thus endeth ritual number six.

    Ritual #7: Having Friends Over to Play

    At this point, your children may complain that they are never allowed to have friends over. This is a good time to tell them that they can have a female friend over to join in tonight's ritual. Have your children tell the friend to arrive after dark. Prior to the girl's arrival, a small isolation pit should be dug in the back yard, out of the sight of neighbors. When the friend arrives, her tongue is severed and she is thrown into the pit. This ritual is ongoing, as the girl is slowly and methodically starved and tortured. Urine and blood saved from the prior ritual should be lightly sprinkled onto the girl each morning. All family members are invited to creatively abuse the girl at least once daily. Some families claim that after they get used to the new pet, they never even want another dog.


    If you've performed these rituals correctly, your child will be permanently affected. The things your child should have learned are: (1) obedience, (2) the importance of listening to others, (3) respect for parents, (4) how to play a kazoo, and (5) the difference between right and wrong.

    The next time you think about going out for dinner or to a movie, perform a Satanic ritual instead. You'll not only save your family money...you'll save their souls as well.[​IMG]
  2. Tough Love

    Tough Love Senior Member

    Joined: Oct 10, 2004 Messages: 1,894 Likes Received: 2
    i didnt read all of it becuase it was so long
    however, i did read some, and it was quite funny
  3. Tyler Durden

    Tyler Durden Veteran Member

    Joined: Nov 18, 2001 Messages: 5,263 Likes Received: 40
  4. Kr430n5_666

    Kr430n5_666 Banned

    Joined: Oct 6, 2004 Messages: 19,229 Likes Received: 30
  5. Dick Quickwood

    Dick Quickwood 12oz Loyalist

    Joined: Aug 25, 2002 Messages: 14,783 Likes Received: 14
    satan, father, help me from this grave. demons, warriors, ever be my slaves. i can raise the fires of hell and blasphemy. we can grow strong, satanic royalty.
  6. RumPuncher

    RumPuncher Elite Member

    Joined: Jul 4, 2005 Messages: 4,500 Likes Received: 5
    hahaha... barnhole!

    KING BLING Guest

  8. Politics&Bullshit

    Politics&Bullshit Junior Member

    Joined: Oct 14, 2005 Messages: 221 Likes Received: 0
  9. thecarwreck

    thecarwreck Senior Member

    Joined: May 14, 2003 Messages: 1,006 Likes Received: 67
  10. mr skaguy

    mr skaguy New Jack

    Joined: Jan 12, 2005 Messages: 17 Likes Received: 0

    where the hell did you get that

    its funny , but gives satanism an even worse wrap

    still made me lol
  11. Neskoner

    Neskoner New Jack

    Joined: Jan 6, 2003 Messages: 0 Likes Received: 1
    i joined a cult once,but i didnt like the punch they made for the sacrifice.
  12. Kr430n5_666

    Kr430n5_666 Banned

    Joined: Oct 6, 2004 Messages: 19,229 Likes Received: 30
  13. theGOON

    theGOON Member

    Joined: Jun 6, 2005 Messages: 502 Likes Received: 3
    goat sacrificing... mmmMMMMEEEEEETTTTTTTTAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

    but seriously, that was probably the longest thing i've ever read on this forum.
  14. Lonesome Cowboy Bill

    Lonesome Cowboy Bill Member

    Joined: Jan 29, 2006 Messages: 363 Likes Received: 0
    sounds like one of dawood's post except allah is changed with satan...
  15. Gigantic Jug

    Gigantic Jug Member

    Joined: Jul 24, 2004 Messages: 988 Likes Received: 0
    i wish my parents would sacrafice me to satan.... i bet he would love me.