Weapon X Posted August 12, 2006 Share Posted August 12, 2006 An elderly man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical. The doctor takes some tests and leaves the room. When he returns he says to the man, "Sir, I have some bad news. You have cancer and alzheimer's." The old man takes a moment to digest what the doctor said and responds, "Well at least I dont have cancer." ^ This joke is hilarious. And I'm down for offensive jokes, but that other thread is just nigger this and dead baby that. Most of it ain't even funny. A couple were driving to a church to get married. On the way, they got into a car accident and died. When they arrive in heaven, they see St. Peter at the gate. They ask him if he could arrange it so they could marry in heaven. St. Peter tells them that he'll do his best to work on it for them. Three months pass by and the couple hear nothing. They bump into St. Peter and ask him about the marriage. He says, "I'm still working on it." Two years pass by and no marriage. St. Peter again assures them that he's working on it. Finally after twenty long years, St. Peter comes running with a priest and tells the couple it's time for their wedding. The couple marry and live happily for a while. But after a few months the couple go and find St. Peter and tell him things are not working out, and that they want to get a divorce. "Can you arrange it for us?" they ask. St. Peter replies, "Are you kidding?! It took me twenty years to find a priest up here. How am I gonna find you a lawyer?" A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket, and ordered a double scotch. A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, he told the bartender that he's had enough. The bartender said, "I've got to ask you - what's with the pocket business?" The man replied, "I have my lawyer's picture in there. When he starts to look honest, I've had enough." A virile, young Italian gentleman named Tony was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless with his love making. After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No." Surprised, Tony reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Tony smiles and asks, "You finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No." Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, Tony reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Tony falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?" Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ohnoone Posted August 12, 2006 Share Posted August 12, 2006 you hear about the midget psychic who escaped from jail? the news paper said theres a small medium at large. ba dom chhhhh. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jackson Posted August 12, 2006 Share Posted August 12, 2006 Excuse the americanisms... A woman goes to the doctor complaining with pain in her abdomen. The doctor does some tests and says: "uhh do you like sleepless nights and changing shitty daipers?" The womans face lights up! She says: "Oh my god! Am I pregnant?!" The doctor says: "no, you have bowel cancer." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
defyoner Posted August 12, 2006 Share Posted August 12, 2006 ^ that one is pretty good. i dont have the attention span to read the first ones Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deterrent Posted August 12, 2006 Share Posted August 12, 2006 Whay happened to the fly on the toilet? It got pissed off! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
josefstrat@yahoo.com Posted August 12, 2006 Share Posted August 12, 2006 Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address: A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: To: My loving wife Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006 I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!! *stolen from funny.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
josefstrat@yahoo.com Posted August 12, 2006 Share Posted August 12, 2006 Lil' Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what politics is now." "Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit." *stolen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
josefstrat@yahoo.com Posted August 12, 2006 Share Posted August 12, 2006 Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit 33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how they died. First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place I looked was out on the balcony. I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the asshole. He landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the bedroom and shot myself." St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside. Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily, I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me." St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man. Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a refrigerator..." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Issac Brock Posted August 12, 2006 Share Posted August 12, 2006 ^^haha, that fridge one was pretty entertaining Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Of Hell Posted August 12, 2006 Share Posted August 12, 2006 Yeah, I'm still giggling from that last line..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOLT CUTTERS Posted August 12, 2006 Share Posted August 12, 2006 A tomato and a cactus walk into a bar. the bartender says, 'hey what can i get you guys?' the cactus replies ' yo lemme get a tuna fish sandwich' and the tomato replies 'ill have a glass of water, no lemon please'. the bartender says ' you guys are dicks.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Weapon X Posted August 12, 2006 Author Share Posted August 12, 2006 ^ ha... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spitfire15 Posted August 13, 2006 Share Posted August 13, 2006 Why didnt the skeleton cross the road? BECAUSE HE DIDNT HAVE THE...GUTS! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOLT CUTTERS Posted August 13, 2006 Share Posted August 13, 2006 nah, that b hot son Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spruce Lee Posted August 13, 2006 Share Posted August 13, 2006 hear the one about the corduroy pillow? its making head lines! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jackson Posted August 13, 2006 Share Posted August 13, 2006 HAHA HEADLINES. AMAZING Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fatbastard Posted August 13, 2006 Share Posted August 13, 2006 Why is the tomato such a slow vegetable? Because its always trying to KETCH-UP! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOLT CUTTERS Posted August 13, 2006 Share Posted August 13, 2006 so a priest and a bowl of cereal walk into a bar right.. the priest says.. yo holmes habajuba zigity do.. the bowl of cereal just sat there!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
protect ya neck Posted August 13, 2006 Share Posted August 13, 2006 wanna hear a joke? womans rights Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ohnoone Posted August 13, 2006 Share Posted August 13, 2006 A tomato and a cactus walk into a bar. the bartender says, 'hey what can i get you guys?' the cactus replies ' yo lemme get a tuna fish sandwich' and the tomato replies 'ill have a glass of water, no lemon please'. the bartender says ' you guys are dicks.' winner! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CALIgula Posted August 13, 2006 Share Posted August 13, 2006 what does a ghetto cow eat? ........HEEEEEEEEEEEY (like a ghetto black lady) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dirty_habiT Posted August 13, 2006 Share Posted August 13, 2006 What happened to the Indian that drank too much tea? He drowned in his tea pee. yharyayrayryharyharhhaharyharlolzslhka;lhoai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
casek1 Posted August 13, 2006 Share Posted August 13, 2006 Three strings walk into a bar. The bartender throws them out, yelling "Can't you read the sign?! I don't serve strings." The strings try again, and again the bartender kicks them out. Finally, one of the strings gets the idea to mess himself up a little. He walks into the bar. The bartender scowls, "What's wrong with you? Can't you read? I don't serve strings!" The string replies, "I'm a frayed knot!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CALIgula Posted August 13, 2006 Share Posted August 13, 2006 a black guy, a mexican guy, and a polish guy walk into a bar... ...the bartender says......."what is this, a joke?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oliver Clothesoff Posted August 14, 2006 Share Posted August 14, 2006 what do u call a smart blonde a golden retriever Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
josefstrat@yahoo.com Posted August 14, 2006 Share Posted August 14, 2006 A tomato and a cactus walk into a bar. the bartender says, 'hey what can i get you guys?' the cactus replies ' yo lemme get a tuna fish sandwich' and the tomato replies 'ill have a glass of water, no lemon please'. the bartender says ' you guys are dicks.' Hee Hee...Hee...he...:o I might just be mentally hilarious, but i dont get this joke. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blood Feast Island Man Posted August 14, 2006 Share Posted August 14, 2006 what's brown and sticky? a brown stick. ZING Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shitting Posted August 14, 2006 Share Posted August 14, 2006 what turns a fruit into a vegetable? aids Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JungleGreen78 Posted August 14, 2006 Share Posted August 14, 2006 did you hear about the new pirate movie coming out? its rated arrrrrrrrrr'...hahahahaahaha Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
josefstrat@yahoo.com Posted August 14, 2006 Share Posted August 14, 2006 Im still laughing at the AIDS joke. Funniest thing i've heard in a while. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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