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'Blessed are the big noses.'

Discussion in 'Channel Zero' started by Smart, Jul 31, 2004.

  1. Smart

    Smart Dirty Dozen Crew

    Joined: Apr 14, 2000 Messages: 17,017 Likes Received: 178
    Lookin' for Lovin'

    Fred Kernedy never hated his big nose more than when a sex-crazed pelican mistook him for a female and tried to make wild and passionate "dirty-bird love" -- to his head!

    "It was awful -- a nightmare . . . I wished I was dead," says the 33-year-old man from Tampa, Fla. "All I wanted to do was throw some stale bread to the catfish swimming around in Tampa Bay.

    "The next thing I know there's this pelican perched on a pole and he's looking at me with a very distinct gleam in his eye. I remember thinking, 'What's that old boy looking at?'

    "And a second later I had the answer. He was looking at me."

    Eyewitnesses said the hot-blooded seabird made a beeline for Kernedy, who, by his own admission, "was taken completely by surprise."

    "I just stood there like an idiot while that pelican went at me like a dog in heat," he continues. "I started swinging my arms and hitting at it and trying to duck and run and scream at the same time.

    "I know it sounds funny, and if it had happened to you instead of me, I'd be laughing, too. But the truth is, it's just about the sickest thing I can imagine.

    "Just thinking about it sends cold chills up and down my spine."

    Kernedy says he realized about 15 seconds into the attack that the bird wanted some lovin' . "I saw something I hope and pray I never see again," he says -- the business end of a pelican's manhood.

    "What can I say? It was awful," he recalls, his face darkening into an angry scowl. "All of this is happening to me in just a matter of a few seconds, but at the time it seemed like it would never end.

    "I knew if I didn't do something fast, I'd never be able to look at myself in a mirror again. So I dove straight down into the sandy beach that runs along the edge of the bay, and I started rolling around like you're supposed to do when your clothes catch on fire.

    "The pelican stayed with me for a few more seconds -- I know what he wanted, and he wanted it bad.

    "But just when I thought he was going to have his way with me, he backed off. The last thing I saw was his ugly butt flying into the sunset."

    Kernedy was scratched and bruised but suffered no serious injuries other than what he calls "my wounded pride" in the trans-species sex attack.

    He noticed a little later that there was a suspicious "big wet spot" on his shirt, but says, "I'm pretty sure that was just water that splashed up on me when I was rolling around on the beach."

    Meanwhile, wildlife experts say it wasn't the first time a pelican has tried to mate with a human with a big nose -- and it won't be the last.

    "We get four or five complaints every year, usually from tourists who wear oversized hats or those who have really big noses," says one.

    "But this guy did the right thing. When a pelican goes after you, it's always smart to hit the ground rolling.

    "That's usually enough to send them back to their own kind."
  2. High Priest

    High Priest Elite Member

    Joined: Jan 1, 2002 Messages: 4,928 Likes Received: 4

    :lol: :lol: :lol: Fuck, i just laughed so hard i thought i was going to piss myself..then again, im a little stoned. Hilarious none the less. Good find.
  3. fermentor666

    fermentor666 Veteran Member

    Joined: Sep 27, 2003 Messages: 8,152 Likes Received: 15
    Sounds like something you'd read in The Onion. I bet Theo's itching to post some pictures.
  4. Dick Quickwood

    Dick Quickwood 12oz Loyalist

    Joined: Aug 25, 2002 Messages: 14,783 Likes Received: 14
  5. Kr430n5_666

    Kr430n5_666 Banned

    Joined: Oct 6, 2004 Messages: 19,229 Likes Received: 30
    it's like being needled
  6. deph

    deph New Jack

    Joined: Jul 29, 2002 Messages: 0 Likes Received: 0
    sounds really fucking nasty.
  7. 455

    455 Guest

    Frank Gerwer better be worried.
  8. TheoHuxtab|e

    TheoHuxtab|e Banned

    Joined: Jul 28, 2004 Messages: 468 Likes Received: 0
  9. crave

    crave Veteran Member

    Joined: Jan 20, 2002 Messages: 6,728 Likes Received: 10
    thanks for a good laugh . .
  10. ledzep

    ledzep Junior Member

    Joined: Feb 21, 2002 Messages: 146 Likes Received: 1
    i wonder what the pelican's side of the story was.
  11. ment2

    ment2 New Jack

    Joined: Apr 16, 2002 Messages: 11 Likes Received: 0
    i wonder where the pelican tried to put it. i would guess in the back of homeboys head because his nose would look like the front of the pelican... but he said he saw the pelican's wang...

    i want video!
  12. Nekro

    Nekro Elite Member

    Joined: Feb 19, 2003 Messages: 2,568 Likes Received: 1
    I thought this thread was going to about jews.
  13. ment2

    ment2 New Jack

    Joined: Apr 16, 2002 Messages: 11 Likes Received: 0
    i thought this thread was going to be about life of brian.
  14. villain

    villain Veteran Member

    Joined: Jul 12, 2002 Messages: 5,190 Likes Received: 2
    Is it cause they follow their nose, cause it always knows that they are gods chosen people? j/k
    Actually I think jews are an interesting cross section of society... too bad they are being fucking bigots lately.
  15. willy.wonka

    willy.wonka Guest