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LIVERWURST*

Stories you tell at the bar...Fathers Day Edition

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Dumy's crack head story inspired this...

 

Story 1

 

In my home town me and my friends were trick or treating. My friends got taken for their candy by some much older guys (I was a bigger kid so I got to keep mine). In retrospect, its funny but still...we went home to my friends house after one got really shooken up, my friends dad called my dad, and he was PISSED so he escorted us the rest of the night. At one point an older guy ran up toward us with my dad a few feet behind us blending in with other crowds. The guy was probably just fucking with some white kids - but my dad, being 6' 4" steps up, opens his jacket and reveals a crowbar like he was selling knock off jewelry...the guy was very apologetic to all of us and ran the other way.

 

Story 2

 

Baseball game at Fairmount park, I yell to my dad as I'm up to bat (literally) - "dad is that our car?!?!?!?" As I watch our old yellow car drive down the parkway and no reason to justify it. At first he looks puzzled. Than he grabs the bat from my hand, and in front of both teams and respective parents, sprints (beer gut and all) from home plate to the street beyond center field. He runs up to the car at a light and it peels off - had a single car been in front of it it would have been him and them. Than, no one understanding whats going on, the crowd watches him jump in the back of a convertible after a few seconds of talking and take off.

 

My dad, baseball bat in hand and two strangers chased our SHITTY family station wagon around North Philly for like an hour before they lost the car in like Kensington. Later on two guys got arrested driving it with a few kilos in the paneling...

 

 

Story 3

 

When I was 16 my family used their life savings to move from Philly after some weird shit...

 

A few years later...One summer, my dads car had gotten broken into, a screen on a window of our house had been popped off and robberies in the area were growing. Meth was getting big. One weekday, a random guy walked into my parents backyard. He could have been a gas guy or some such utility person but he was dressed too casual for comfort. My dad, who worked nights and is an insomniac anyway walks outside, and says to the guy 'Hey, how you doing on this lovely day?' or something than paused (as he tells it) than goes 'I'm not sure what you're doing here...' pulls a dirty hairy gun (I can never remember what its actually called) from behind his back, holding it at his leg and continues 'but if you were where I'm from I wouldn't be doing you the favor of talking to you...and if you've been here before, you might know, I don't call the cops.' The guy was shook, like his face turned white, he looked down and he walked out.

 

My house was NEVER fucked with again as our neighborhood saw a string of meth related robberes...

 

 

 

My dad is an asshole, and mostly gets by on threats but even I've learned he is not a person to be fucked with...

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When I was 16 my family used their life savings to move from Philly after some weird shit...

 

c'mon, you can't tell all these bullshit stories, then not elaborate on what 'weird shit' happened. did a ghost scare you out of the house, did your sister wake up to some crazy fucker jacking off on her toes, did someone get anally intruded while watching hard copy or some shit?

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Bonus:

 

My ex-girlfriends dad had a picture of a slumpy, deformed, balding guy with glasses on his fridge. It had no place among all the normal family pictures people knew throughout the house. My girl and I start making fun of the guy like 'who is that nerdy looking pile of shit?' in so many words...her dad looks at us and explains that the guy was at the front fox hole of some formation in Vietnam. He was essentially the first guy that the enemy would encounter if they advanced. As he fired at the enemy, a bullet had ricocheted off the interior of his helmet and through his skull and brain as he was shooting, yet he survived. And he explained "that's why I have that picture on mt refridgerator..."

 

I was like "oh"...

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Ok, this would of been a while ago like maybe 12 years ago.

Living in central Sydney at the time there was fair bit of crime around our neighborhood.

My dad was out back having a shit and some dood broke into our house and stole a whole bunch of shit. My dad finished his business and opened the door to catch the guy trying to scale the fence. he pulled the guy down and repeatedly bashed him over the head with a torch.

 

He told me the guy replied to him as he was being arrested "it's easier to get drug's in jail any way".

 

Not that great a story but I thought I might as well tell it.

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My old man is a pretty imposing character as well. He drives a Crown Vic, so all my boys think he's a cop, but he ain't. He's been involved with some funny shit. He's actually my step dad, but he's been around a long time so I call him Dad.

 

When I was 6 my mom had set up a date with this guy, who eventually became my dad. We were living in the projects, on the third or fourth floor, and my mom sends me down to answer the door and buzz him in. He introduces himself and tries joking a bit with me. With my hands behind my back I ask him if he wants a chicken mcnugget, and he says yeah, being polite and thinking I have McD's. Before he could even reach for anything I wound up and punched him in the nuts as hard as I could, and watched as he bent over in excrutiating pain, and that's when it hit me that i should prolly start running. He ended up chasing me up all the flights of stairs to the apartment, but for some reason I don't remember getting in any trouble for it, at all. He still tells the story to this day. I also called him Ralph for a really long time, but that wasn't even close to his name, I could just never remember his real name.

 

About '98 we got this Shitsu puppy from a pound that they had already named Bandit. Well, we live in a city still, and put the dog out on the line in the backyard thinking that he'd be fine and get some excercise or whatever. I go out to check on him and see him sniffing around this baby skunk, and the skunk doing the same thing to him. I yell to my dad that the dog is checking out this skunk, and he comes running out full speed and grabs a hockey stick on the way by me. That fucking skunk never knew what hit it, as it got slap shotted from one end of the yard against the fence. It was one of the funniest fucking things I ever seen. After it was over we couldn't get the city to pick up the dead animal, so we bought a barrel and filled it with sand, and buried the skunk in there, and eventually threw the whole thing away at a dump, but my back yard smelled for a good few months.

 

Another incident involving animals... A couple years ago some squirrels decided to nest in the eves of my house, but they were terribly loud and on the outside of some bedrooms in the house. They kept people awake at night and it sounded like someone trying to break in. We got sick of it and eventually my dad decided to get a humane trap and set it out. The move paid off. He caught one, and I remember him coming down the stairs with it to the backyard, and coming back like ten minutes later. An hour later, another one, same thing, outside for like ten minutes then back in, a couple hours later, same shit. I start thinking that he's letting them go out back, because he only bought one trap. Eventually my curiousity got the better of me and I asked if he was letting them go outside. He looks over and says he's got a five gallon bucket filled with water that he's putting the squirrels, trap and all into, and letting them drown. So i asked him what the fucking point of the humane traps are for and he just kinda shrugged it off. I found it really funny that he was using humane traps to kill these asshole squirrels. On a side note, the last squirrel that he caught using this method, he left on the roof for it to die, and its still there to this day, all rotted and gross, but we haven't had any more squirrels living in our eves.

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First off, allow me to say that I hope your dad gets caught in a bear trap one day and lays in the sun til he dies

 

Anyways, my dad's a pretty scary muthafucka. My whole family is big, strong, and has anger issues, but my dad is the worst due to the fact that he was a pro kickboxer on top of that

 

Story 1: So I'm like 6 or 7 and me and my mom go to the lil market down the street, she leaves me in the car on the street, and goes to run inside. Almost immediately some big African dude comes out his crib and starts buggin out cuz the car is blockin his driveway. I try to tell him my mom went in to get one thing and she'll be right back out but he starts screamin at me, scared the shit out of me and I'm cryin like a lil 6 or 7 year old bitch. Anyways, like 2 minutes later my mom comes out, dude is still screamin, she starts cryin too, gets all shook up and we pull off. We go home, I think everything is fine for like 45 mins, all of a sudden my dad comes pullin up to the house and I know it's way too early to be home from work. I guess my mom had called him cuz he comes in and is jus like "Alright, let's go". My mom was bein all dramatic about it and didn't wanna go, so I hopped in the car and told my Dad I would definately know the dude if I saw him. We drive back over there and wait a few minutes, dudes car comes rollin back around. Soon as I see him I tell my dad, he hops out the car and while the guys parking walks over to the drivers side window, doesn't say a word and just clocks him. He punches this dude at least 10 more times, now screamin "YOU YELLED AT MY WIFE, MY FUCKIN KID, I'LL FUCKIN KILL YOU" The guys face is all bloody and he pulls off, but is immediately stuck in traffic so my dad runs after him, pulls him out of the car, and stomps him out on the ground in front of like 100 witnesses

 

I'll prolly type a few more of these wonderful stories later, but for now I'mma go lay back down

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I got brought home by the cops on halloween back in 95 or something for normal halloween activities.

first thing my pops said "What you couldn't run fast enough".

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Guest R@ndomH3ro
First off, allow me to say that I hope your dad gets caught in a bear trap one day and lays in the sun til he dies

 

Anyways, my dad's a pretty scary muthafucka. My whole family is big, strong, and has anger issues, but my dad is the worst due to the fact that he was a pro kickboxer on top of that

 

Story 1: So I'm like 6 or 7 and me and my mom go to the lil market down the street, she leaves me in the car on the street, and goes to run inside. Almost immediately some big African dude comes out his crib and starts buggin out cuz the car is blockin his driveway. I try to tell him my mom went in to get one thing and she'll be right back out but he starts screamin at me, scared the shit out of me and I'm cryin like a lil 6 or 7 year old bitch. Anyways, like 2 minutes later my mom comes out, dude is still screamin, she starts cryin too, gets all shook up and we pull off. We go home, I think everything is fine for like 45 mins, all of a sudden my dad comes pullin up to the house and I know it's way too early to be home from work. I guess my mom had called him cuz he comes in and is jus like "Alright, let's go". My mom was bein all dramatic about it and didn't wanna go, so I hopped in the car and told my Dad I would definately know the dude if I saw him. We drive back over there and wait a few minutes, dudes car comes rollin back around. Soon as I see him I tell my dad, he hops out the car and while the guys parking walks over to the drivers side window, doesn't say a word and just clocks him. He punches this dude at least 10 more times, now screamin "YOU YELLED AT MY WIFE, MY FUCKIN KID, I'LL FUCKIN KILL YOU" The guys face is all bloody and he pulls off, but is immediately stuck in traffic so my dad runs after him, pulls him out of the car, and stomps him out on the ground in front of like 100 witnesses

 

I'll prolly type a few more of these wonderful stories later, but for now I'mma go lay back down

 

 

 

You need Dr. Phil

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First off, allow me to say that I hope your dad gets caught in a bear trap one day and lays in the sun til he dies

 

Anyways, my dad's a pretty scary muthafucka. My whole family is big, strong, and has anger issues, but my dad is the worst due to the fact that he was a pro kickboxer on top of that

 

Story 1: So I'm like 6 or 7 and me and my mom go to the lil market down the street, she leaves me in the car on the street, and goes to run inside. Almost immediately some big African dude comes out his crib and starts buggin out cuz the car is blockin his driveway. I try to tell him my mom went in to get one thing and she'll be right back out but he starts screamin at me, scared the shit out of me and I'm cryin like a lil 6 or 7 year old bitch. Anyways, like 2 minutes later my mom comes out, dude is still screamin, she starts cryin too, gets all shook up and we pull off. We go home, I think everything is fine for like 45 mins, all of a sudden my dad comes pullin up to the house and I know it's way too early to be home from work. I guess my mom had called him cuz he comes in and is jus like "Alright, let's go". My mom was bein all dramatic about it and didn't wanna go, so I hopped in the car and told my Dad I would definately know the dude if I saw him. We drive back over there and wait a few minutes, dudes car comes rollin back around. Soon as I see him I tell my dad, he hops out the car and while the guys parking walks over to the drivers side window, doesn't say a word and just clocks him. He punches this dude at least 10 more times, now screamin "YOU YELLED AT MY WIFE, MY FUCKIN KID, I'LL FUCKIN KILL YOU" The guys face is all bloody and he pulls off, but is immediately stuck in traffic so my dad runs after him, pulls him out of the car, and stomps him out on the ground in front of like 100 witnesses

 

I'll prolly type a few more of these wonderful stories later, but for now I'mma go lay back down



YES

icon14.gif

and

 

reputation.gif

for your dad for handling his shit

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First off' date=' allow me to say that I hope your dad gets caught in a bear trap one day and lays in the sun til he dies [/quote']

 

hey man, that ain't cool. he may have taken out these animals, but it was so they wouldn't come back. the whole skunk hockey thing was because skunks aren't supposed to be out in the daytime, he was worried it would give my dog the rabies... and the squirrel being left on the roof, i'm sure that was just out of laziness, i doubt he intentionally left it on the roof to rot, i just wrote my little story that way. besides, i got him back years ago by punching him in the nuts. he's not a bad guy, moved us out of a bad part of Boston in the 80's, raised me and my bro like his own, so fuck off with that bear trap shit.

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My next door neighbors and my family were always good friends. They'd always go to games together and shit like that were theyres probally a ton of storys i dont know about. They eventually moved to north carolina. So like 2 years later we go up to visit them. Im like 9 or 10 at the time,so i dont remember most of it. One thing i remember was when my dad and the other guy Bud went out to a bar. The plan was that Buds wife and my mom would drop me,my dad, and Bud at the bar and they would go shopping and by the time they were done my dad and bud would be done drinking. So we pull up to retaraunt(most of them have bars),they let us out,we walk in and they drive away. The women at the front greets us and Bud goes "Excuse me mam,but wheres the bar?" the women says "Sir,this is a dry county we dont have a bar." Now keep in mind this is like 30 seconds after we had left the car. Without even saying a single fucking word to the lady my dad and Bud just turn around and sprint out the door,running after the my mom and bids wife screaming at the top of their lungs. They eventually found a bar and proceeded to get tanked.

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You need Dr. Phil

 

Why, exactly?

 

 

hey man' date=' that ain't cool. he may have taken out these animals, but it was so they wouldn't come back. the whole skunk hockey thing was because skunks aren't supposed to be out in the daytime, he was worried it would give my dog the rabies... and the squirrel being left on the roof, i'm sure that was just out of laziness, i doubt he intentionally left it on the roof to rot, i just wrote my little story that way. besides, i got him back years ago by punching him in the nuts. he's not a bad guy, moved us out of a bad part of Boston in the 80's, raised me and my bro like his own, so fuck off with that bear trap shit.[/quote']

 

I can understand the skunk thing, but as far as leavin a squirrel in a trap on the roof to die cuz he was lazy, fuck that. Also, how do you defend the fact that he was drowning the other ones? I'm sure he's a nice guy aside from the animal torture, but that's enough to get a big fuck you from me

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Anyways, since people seemed to like the first...

 

Story 2: My older brother (who's 28 now, prolly like 17 at the time) was next door eatin with his friend's family, havin a cookout and shit. So everything is going good, until his friend starts beating his dog cuz he thinks its funny (I guess my whole family is defensive of animals, whatever). My brother tells him to chill out, to which the kid responds somethin like "It's my dog, I'll do whatever the fuck I want" blah blah, and then hits the dog again. My brother, who I've seen beat peoples fuckin faces in, reacts about as calmly as he possibly can and pushes the kid. Now, instead of the kid doin somethin about it his fuckin HUGE father feels the need to slap my brother...big mistake

 

My brother comes home, tells my dad who walks right over there...I guess the cookout had been ready to end anyways (either that or havin to slap the whiteboy made everyone uncomfortable and they ended early) cuz everyone was already inside. My whole family watches from the front porch as my dad knocks on the door...the dudes wife answers, my dad pushes past her and dissapears into the house. A few seconds later the guys come flying headfirst out the door onto the ground, quickly followed by my dad. He gets up, takes a swing, misses, and ends up held against the wall by his throat...my dad then proceeds to punch him repeatedly until he's unconscious, then hold him up and give him a few more shots for good measure. So my dad lets the dude go, and as he slumps to the ground with his wife screaming, calmly walks away, back into our house, and goes back to his dinner. The neighbor never responded, and to his credit never called the cops, but I seem to remember him movin away pretty quickly after

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A few years ago, we were driving through the suburbs and my friend goes "a police informant lives there...gave up writer1 and writer 2.

 

A few weeks later driving past the same house i saw some top to bottom throw-ups on the side of dudes car..

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i was 15 and my dad was teaching me how to drive...

 

everything was going good, i was driving normally, obeying the speed limit and shit...

so im driving along and this car starts tail-gating me, like badly, im trying to learn how to drive by driving the speed limit and this fags honking his horn for me to hurry up and shit.

 

my dad says "hit the brake really hard"

 

and i ask him if hes serious and he tells me again to hit the brake.

 

so i hit the brake hard and we screech to a stop, and the car behind us almost rams into us

 

my dad gets out of the passenger side and walks to the car behind us and punches the guys windshield and breaks it, glass went flying everywhere

 

by the look on the guys face it looked like he was really scared, he drove off really fast

 

my dad never got in trouble

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He broke the dudes windshield with one punch? Does your dad have titanium fists?

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