freight rat Posted May 30, 2003 Share Posted May 30, 2003 What's the difference between a Jew and a Canoe? A canoe tips Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freight rat Posted May 30, 2003 Share Posted May 30, 2003 How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? Tell her a joke on Wednesday. Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? To see what was on the other side. What did one lesbian frog say to the other? They're right, we do taste like chicken! Another use for used tampons? Teabags for cannibals. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freight rat Posted May 30, 2003 Share Posted May 30, 2003 why did michael jackson call Boys 2 Men? he thought it was a delivery service. when michael jacksons wife gave birth to their baby he asked the doctor "how long before we can have sex?" the doctor respnded "i'd wait till he turns 10." :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freight rat Posted May 30, 2003 Share Posted May 30, 2003 A man was walking through Chinatown when he noticed a sign reading: "Hans Schmidt's Chinese Laundry." Being of a curious nature, he entered and was greeted by an old Oriental man who identified himself as Hans Schmidt. "How come you have a name like that?" inquired the stranger. "Is simple," says the old Oriental man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, stand in immigration line behind a big German guy. Immigration lady look at him and go, "What your name?" He say, "Hans Schmidt." Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'" "I say, Sam Ting." :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freight rat Posted May 30, 2003 Share Posted May 30, 2003 Why is there no Disneyland in China? No one's tall enough to go on the good rides. :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
grafkat Posted June 1, 2003 Share Posted June 1, 2003 How do Chinese people name their kids? Throw a pan down the stairs. What does a black kid get for his birthday? Your bike. What do you get when you cross a nigger and a spic? Someone too lazy to steal. Why do black people smell? So that blind people can hate them too. What is the worst 3 years of a niggers life? First grade. And now for the big finish... There's a classroom full of kids. The teacher ask for a volunteer, and a white kid raises his hand. She asks the child "What sound does a cow make?" The kid replies, "Moo, Moo." Next, the teacher asks for another volunteer, and again a white kid raises his hand. "What sound does a horse make?" He responds, "Neighhh, Neighhh." The teacher asks for another volunteer, and this time a black kid raises his hand. "What kind of sound does a pig make?" she asks. He replies, "HANDS BEHIND YOUR BACK, MOTHERFUCKER!!!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ronnie Dobbs Posted June 1, 2003 Share Posted June 1, 2003 what did the black kid cry when he had diarrhea? MOMMY MOMMY! IM MELTING! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dick Quickwood Posted June 2, 2003 Share Posted June 2, 2003 haha good stuff Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dick Quickwood Posted June 2, 2003 Share Posted June 2, 2003 Jane was a first time contestant on a $65,000 quiz show. Lady luck had smiled in her favor, because Jane had gained a substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question. Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous as her husband drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers were! You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow. "Relax honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her, "It will all be OK." Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked. "I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon." After an agonizing three hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!" "What is it?" she cried excitedly. "OK. The question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.'" The couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber. At 3:30 a.m., however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly. So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days' events, faced Jane and asked the big question. "Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds." "Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good. Six seconds." "Eh, uh, the heart?" "Very good! Four seconds." "I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..." "That's close enough!" said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dick Quickwood Posted June 2, 2003 Share Posted June 2, 2003 John woke up one morning with an enormous erection, so he turned over to his wife's side of the bed. His wife, Heather, had already awakened, though, and was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John wrote a note, called to his little boy, and asked him to bring the note to his wife. It read: The tent pole is up, The canvas is spread, The hell with breakfast, Come back to bed. Heather answered the note with one of her own and asked her son to take it to her husband. The note read: Take the tent pole down, Put the canvas away, The monkey had a hemorrhage, No circus today. John read the note and scribbled a reply. He asked his son to take it to his wife. The note read: The tent pole's still up, And the canvas still spread, So drop what you're doing, And come give me some head. Heather answered the note and asked her son to deliver it to her husband. The note read: I'm sure that your pole's The best in the land. But I'm busy right now, So do it by hand! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dick Quickwood Posted June 2, 2003 Share Posted June 2, 2003 A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a five-story hotel with a sign that reads, "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have five floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." They start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads, "All the men here have it short and thin." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads, "All the men here have it long and thin." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor, where the sign reads, "All the men here have it short and thick." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here have it long and thick." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. On the fifth floor, they find a sign that reads, "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dick Quickwood Posted June 2, 2003 Share Posted June 2, 2003 Some reasons that it's great to be a guy: Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. Movie nudity is virtually always female. A 5-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter. You can open all your own jars. Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained weight. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind. When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every picture of somebody crying. All your orgasms are real. You don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around everywhere you go. You can go to the bathroom without a support group. Your last name stays put. You can leave the hotel bed unmade. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow. Sex means never worrying about your reputation. Wedding plans take care of themselves. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. You don't have to shave below your neck. None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night. If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices. You can write your name in the snow. Everything on your face gets to stay its original color. Chocolate is just another snack. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat. Flowers fix everything. You can wear a white shirt to a water park. Three pairs of shoes is more than enough. You can eat a banana in a hardware store. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking, "He must be mad at me." The world is your urinal. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area. One mood, all the time. You never have to drive on to another gas station because this one's just too dirty. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you're wearing. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment. Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75. You don't care if someone's talking about you behind your back. With 400 million sperm cells per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory. You don't mooch off others' desserts. If you retain water, it's in a canteen. The remote control is yours and yours alone. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift. Bachelor parties whomp butt over bridal showers. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your other friends that you've changed. Someday you'll be a dirty old man. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase, "screw it." If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies. Your pals can be trusted to never trap you with, "So... notice anything different?" Things that suck about being a guy: The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over $200,000. External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs. Even if you get your head caught in an industrial wood chipper, you're not allowed to cry. Ribbed for her pleasure -- not yours. You have to wear ties. You can't flirt your way out of a jam. "Women and children first." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dick Quickwood Posted June 2, 2003 Share Posted June 2, 2003 http://www.jokes2000.com/pics/toons/9530.gif'> Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dick Quickwood Posted June 2, 2003 Share Posted June 2, 2003 Old man sitting on his front porch in Louisiana watching the sunrise sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" The boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire." The old man says, "What you gonna do with that?" The boy says, "Catch some chickens." The old man yells, "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise, he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it. At the same time the next morning, the old man is out watching the sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. The old man yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" The boy yells back, "Roll of duck tape." The old man says, "What you gonna do with that?" The boy says back, "Catch me some ducks." The old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night, around sunset, the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement, he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it. At the same time the next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. The old man says, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" The boy says, "It's a pussy willow." The old man says "Hold on, I'll get my hat." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dick Quickwood Posted June 2, 2003 Share Posted June 2, 2003 A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?" The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain." "So what happened that's so horrible?" "Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket." The man said, "Okay, but that's not so bad." The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain." "So what happened then?" http://www.jokes2000.com/pics/illustrations/9180.gif'> "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left." "And then?" "Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket." "Again?" said the man. The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain." "So, what did you do then?" "I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right." "And then?" "Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail." "Hmmm..." said the man. "Some things you just can't explain," replied the farmer. "So, what did you do?" "Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in... Some things you just can't explain." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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Dick Quickwood Posted June 2, 2003 Share Posted June 2, 2003 The teacher had given the class an assignment. He stressed the importance of it, letting his students know that no excuses would be accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or death in the immediate family (with a note from that member). A smart-ass student piped up, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?" The class broke up laughing, and when they settled down the teachers responded, "Well, then I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dick Quickwood Posted June 2, 2003 Share Posted June 2, 2003 A small guy goes into an elevator and notices a huge guy standing next to him. The big guy looks down on the small white guy and says, "Seven foot tall, three hundred fifty pounds, twenty-inch dick, three-pound left ball, three-pound right ball, Turner Brown." The small guy faints! The big guy picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him. He asks the small guy, "What's wrong?" The small guy says, "Excuse me, but what did you say?" The big guy looks down and says "Seven foot tall, three hundred fifty pounds, twenty-inch dick, three- pound left ball, three-pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown." The small guy says, "Thank God, I thought you said, "Turn around." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dick Quickwood Posted June 2, 2003 Share Posted June 2, 2003 A man and a woman meet at bar one day and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the woman's house where they engage in passionate love making. The woman suddenly cocks her ear and says, "quick my husband just got home, go hide in the bathroom!" So the man runs into the bathroom. Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her. "Why are you naked?" he asks. Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready to recieve you." "Okay." the man replies "I'll go get ready." He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a naked man standing there clapping his hands. "Who the fuck are you?" the man asks "I am from the exterminator company, your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having problems with." The husband exclaims, "But you are naked!" The man then looks down and jumps back in surprise. "Those little bastards!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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Dick Quickwood Posted June 2, 2003 Share Posted June 2, 2003 A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this morning." Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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Dick Quickwood Posted June 2, 2003 Share Posted June 2, 2003 A mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by her son's house after he was recently married. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house to see her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door. "What are you doing?" the mother-in-law asked. "I am waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law replied. "Why are you naked?" asked the mother-in-law. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law replied. "Love dress? You are naked!" said the mother-in-law. "But my husband loves it when I wear this dress. It makes him happy, and he makes me happy. I would appreciate your leaving now because my husband will be home any minute." Soured by all of this romantic stuff, the mother-in-law left. On the way home, she thought about the "love dress" and got an idea. She undressed, showered, applied her best perfume, and waited by the door for her husband to come home. Finally, the pickup truck pulled into the driveway, and she took her place by the door. The father-in-law opened the door and immediately saw his wife naked by the door. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress," the mother-in-law replied. "Maybe you should iron it first," he said. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dick Quickwood Posted June 2, 2003 Share Posted June 2, 2003 There is a guy who has been having chronic trouble trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis. "Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says. "The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure." The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure. "So what's the good news?" he asks. The doctor says, "There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?" The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it." So the doctor performs the operation. A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful. Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve the pressure. Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop, grabs a dinner roll, and returns to his pants again. "Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do that again?" Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably ... But I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dick Quickwood Posted June 2, 2003 Share Posted June 2, 2003 At the senior citizens luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day. The gentleman picked the lady up and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding along, when they came upon a fork in the river and the gentleman asked, "Do you want to go up or down?" All of a sudden, the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat. When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had experienced the best sex that he'd had in years. They fished for a while and then continued riding along, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?" There she went again, stripping off her clothes to make wild, passionate love to him again. This really impressed the old gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day. She said yes, and so there they were the next day riding in the boat, when they came upon the fork in the river. The gentleman asked, "Well, do you want to go up or down?" The woman replied, "Down." A little puzzled, the gentleman drove the boat down the river, when he came upon another fork. He asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?" She replied, "Up." This really confused the gentleman, so he asked "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down, you made passionate love to me. Now today, nothing." She replied, "Well, yesterday I didn't have my hearing aid in, and I thought you were saying, 'Fuck or drown!'" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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Dick Quickwood Posted June 2, 2003 Share Posted June 2, 2003 Bob goes into the public restroom and sees a guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob is standing there taking care of business, he wonders how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and goes to leave, when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, okay, sure. I'll help you." The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "Okay." Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah. Okay." Bob pulls it out, and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps on it, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, and scars. It reeks something awful. The guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points it for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in, and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it." Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?" The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dick Quickwood Posted June 2, 2003 Share Posted June 2, 2003 It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic church to ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a few minutes. Finally the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend. "However", he said, "as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to me what you did over the weekend." The four nuns agree, and run off. Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "What did you do, Sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie." The priest looks up at heaven for a few seconds, then replies, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly under her breath. The second nun then goes up to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest replies, "OK, what happened?" She says, "I was driving my brother's car down the street in front of his house, and I hit a neighbors dog and killed it." The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute, then says, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The second nun goes out. By this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly. Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "Out with it. What did you do?" She says, "Last night, I ran naked up and down Main Street." The priest looks up at heaven for a full five minutes before responding, "God forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." She leaves. The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears run down her cheeks. The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so darn funny?" The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dick Quickwood Posted June 2, 2003 Share Posted June 2, 2003 Maria is a devoted religious girl. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies. At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At least they're finally together." A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me, father, but you do mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?" The priest says, "I mean her legs." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dick Quickwood Posted June 2, 2003 Share Posted June 2, 2003 A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in and animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I coma one lasta time." "You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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