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graffsurgeon

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King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny Knights of the Round Table, so he went to Merlin for advice. After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful and said that he'd see if he could come up with something and asked him to come back in a week.

 

A week later, King Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory, where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt, except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.

 

"This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed. "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the queen?"

 

"Ah, sire, just observe," said Merlin as he searched his cluttered workbench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn-out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

 

"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch. "Now I can leave, knowing that my queen is fully protected."

 

After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur set upon his quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately, he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them, that is, except Sir Galahad.

 

"Sir Galahad," exclaimed King Arthur. "The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"

 

Sir Galahad wanted to respond, but he was speechless.

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One day, two boys were playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it. The other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked-there was a woman bathing naked in the stream. The two boys watched in silence. All http://www.jokes2000.com/pics/illustrations/9791.gif'> of a sudden, the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard so I ran."

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A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to satisfy his young bride.

 

His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle.

 

Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to get some advice.

 

"Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?" he asked.

 

The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner, "Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll last longer and ultimately satisfy her."

 

"Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help," the man said.

 

Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home. "Be prepared, my darling. I'm going to ravish you," she cooed over the phone.

 

Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him?

 

He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon, he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there.

 

A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his "therapy."

 

A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said, "Yes?"

 

"Sir, I'm with the police department. Could you tell me what you are doing, please?" said the officer.

 

"Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle," he replied confidently.

 

"Well, why don't you check the brakes while you're down there. Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago," the officer said.

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One day, a guy with premature ejaculation problems went to a doctor.

 

The doctor said, "Whenever you feel the urge to ejaculate, startle yourself."

 

So he went out and bought a starter pistol.

 

When he got home, his wife was naked in bed, ready for him. So they got in the 69 position and started at it. Soon he felt the urge to come, so he fired the pistol.

 

The next day, he went to the doctor. The doctor asked him how it went.

 

He said, "Not too good. My wife bit off three inches of my dick, shit in my face, and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands up."

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A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively. "Umm, would you mind if I chatted with you for awhile?"

 

She yells at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

http://www.jokes2000.com/pics/illustrations/9675.gif'> Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

 

At the top of his lungs, he responds, "What do you mean $200?"

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Guest searchtake

whats the difference between monica lewinski and a soda machine..

 

they both say..insert bill :cool:

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A young black boy goes into the kitchen where his mother is baking. He puts his hands in the flour and coats his face with it. He looks at his mother and says "Look Momma, I'm a white boy."

 

His mother slaps him hard on the face and says "Boy, go show your Daddy." The boy goes into the living room and says "Look Daddy, I'm a white boy."

 

His Daddy slaps him on the face, too and says, "Boy, go show your grandmother." So the boy goes to see his grandma and says "Look Granny, I'm a white boy."

 

She slaps him on the face and sends him back to his mother. His mother says "Well, did you learn something from all this?" The boy shakes his head and says "I sure 'nuff did, I've only been a white boy for five minutes and I already hate you black people."

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Why don't women wear watches?

There's a clock on the stove!

 

What doesn't belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?

Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

 

What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?

Getting fingered by Captain Hook.

 

How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?

Call her and tell her.

 

ehhhhhhh.

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The US is full of small towns. For those never having traveled to or lived in one, the following will illustrate pretty much what life's like there.

 

My hometown was so small...

 

* the clinic was called Joe's Hospital and Grill

* long distance calls are delayed when the area code is busy

* the town Lady of the Evening stands under a flashlight

* in order to paint traffic lines, the road had to be widened

* instead of hoses, the Fire Department uses water pistols

* you had to make a reservation to use the parking meter

* during snowstorms, salt was spread using a salad shooter

* the local Motel 6 sleeps six

* during a boxing match, both men have to sit in the same corner

* the class valedictorian had both the highest & lowest averages

* the Mayor was also the Sheriff, Town Council & street sweeper

* we had no porn movie house; once a week someone left the shades up

* the municipal water system's pump was supplied by Water Pik

* before you visited, you could look out a window & see who was home

* there was no town idiot -- everybody had to take turns

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Guest WebsterUno

*believe*

 

whats the difference between a ni**er

and a bucket of shit?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

the bucket.

:eek:

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Why do hillbilly guys go to family reunions?

To pick up chicks.

 

Why do Italian men have mustaches?

So they can look like their mothers.

 

Why are they using Mexicans instead of laboratory rats In experiments now?

Mexicans breed faster and you don't get so attached to them.

 

What Do You Get When You Cross A Mexican And An Ape.

A Retarded Ape.

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One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

 

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs ten dollars."

 

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was

printed:

 

You have tennis elbow.

Soak your arm in warm water.

Avoid heavy lifting.

It will be better in two weeks.

 

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine,

poured in the sample, and deposited the $10. The computer made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

 

Your tap water is too hard.

Get a water softener.

 

Your dog has worms.

Get him vitamins.

 

Your daughter is using cocaine.

Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

 

Your wife is pregnant with twin girls.

They aren't yours.

Get a lawyer.

 

And if you don't stop jerking off, your

tennis elbow will never get better.

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There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

 

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, the old man.

 

"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except …" said the old man, and then he stopped.

 

"Except what?" asked the businessman.

 

"Nothing, nothing," said the old man.

 

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!" protested the businessman.

 

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick,'" the old man said.

 

"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" the businessman asked.

 

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

 

The old man said, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."

 

He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."

 

The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!"

 

The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

 

The businessman said, "I'll take it!"

 

The old man resisted and said it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo dick, my pussy."

 

He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.

 

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.

 

After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.

 

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"

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Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.

 

One day, he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

 

Shortly after that they were married.

 

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.

 

Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving, had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he farted. By the time he arrived home, he felt reasonably safe.

 

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"

 

She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek.

 

At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but as stinky as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.

 

He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner-the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.

 

While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next 10 minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.

 

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!"

 

To his shock and horror, there were 12 dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

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A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now we've caught you and we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you, and then we're going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die."

 

The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword."

 

The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and stabs himself to death.

 

The Englishman says, "a pistol for me please." The chief gives him a pistol, the Englishman points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

 

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over-his stomach, sides, and his chest. There is blood gushing out all over.

 

The chief is appalled and asks, "My God, what are you doing?"

 

And the New Yorker responds, "So much for your canoe, you stupid fuck!"

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To my dear wife,

 

During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

 

54 times the sheets were clean

17 times it was too late

49 times you were too tired

20 times it was too hot

15 times you pretended to be asleep

22 times you had a headache

17 times you were afraid of waking the baby

16 times you said you were too sore

12 times it was the wrong time of the month

19 times you had to get up early

9 times you said weren't in the mood

7 times you were sunburned

6 times you were watching the late show

5 times you didn't want to muss your new hairdo

3 times you said the neighbors would hear us

9 times you said your mother would hear us

 

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

 

6 times you just laid there

8 times you reminded me that there's a crack in the ceiling

4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with

7 times I had to wake you and tell you I had finished

1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

 

 

To my dear husband,

 

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

 

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat

36 times you did not come home at all

21 times you didn't come

33 times you came too soon

19 times you went soft before you got in

38 times you worked too late

10 times you got cramps in your toes

29 times you had to get up early to play golf

2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls

4 times you got it stuck in your zipper

3 times you had a cold and your nose was running

2 times you had a splinter in your finger

20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day

6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book

98 times you were too busy watching sports on t.v.

 

Of the times we did get together, the reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling.

 

What I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"

 

The time you felt me move was because you farted, and I was trying to breathe.

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Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

 

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

 

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated, and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

 

Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer.)

 

 

 

 

 

The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. Men keep scrolling.

 

 

 

 

 

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, it illustrates another point: Women never listen either.

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Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal.

 

Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer comes to him and says, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this pretzel hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!" The wrestler nods in agreement.

 

Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circle each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunges forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold!

 

A sigh of disappointment goes up from the crowd, and the trainer buries his face in his hands because he knows all is lost. He can't watch the ending.

 

Suddenly there is a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raises his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hits the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapses on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.

 

The trainer is astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

 

The wrestler answers, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"

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Buckwheat and Darla were in school, and the teacher asked Darla, "How do you spell 'dumb'?"

 

Darla said, "D-u-m-b, dumb."

 

The teacher said, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence."

 

The girl said, "Buckwheat is dumb."

 

Now spell "stupid."

 

Darla said, "S-t-u-p-i-d, stupid."

 

The teacher said, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence."

 

Darla said, "Buckwheat is stupid."

 

Then the teacher called on Buckwheat and said, "Buckwheat, spell 'dictate.'"

 

Buckwheat stood up and said, "D-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate."

 

The teacher replied, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence."

 

"I may be dumb, and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good."

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This useful tool is commonly found in the range of 8 inches in length. It's function is enjoyed by members of both sexes. It is usually found hung, dangling loosely and ready for instant action. It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other. When used, it is inserted -- almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly -- into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements.

 

Anyone found listening will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some from its long glistening shaft. After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less.

 

What am I??As you may have already guessed, the answer to the riddle is none other than your very own...

 

 

 

toothbrush.

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An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called an artist.

 

Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return, I expect to see it completed."

 

Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise, he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this were hundreds of Indians in various sexual positions.

 

Furious, he called the artist in. "What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire.

 

"Why, that's exactly what you asked for," said the artist smugly.

 

"No! I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth. I asked for an interpretation of Custer's last thoughts!"

 

"And there you have it," said the artist. "I call it, 'Holy cow, look at all those fucking Indians.'"

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A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year-old son in the closet. One day, the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.

 

Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

 

"Yes it is," the man replies.

 

"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.

 

"No thanks," the man replies.

 

"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.

 

"Okay. How much?" the man replies, after considering the position he is in.

 

"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.

 

"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.

 

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.

 

"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.

 

"Yes it is," replies the man.

 

"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.

 

"Okay. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.

 

"Fifty dollars," the boy replies, and the transaction is completed.

 

The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."

 

"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.

 

"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.

 

"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.

 

"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS? That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness," the father explains as he hauls the child away.

 

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

 

"Don't you start that shit in here now," the priest says.

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