realizing the reason i drink is because it numbs dealing with reality, an off switch in a sense. rather than deal with it in a clear mentality. Bugging about the future instead of just letting it happen. I see how impatient i am sometimes, and how I just can't shrug things off. work brings out a real mean streak in me that makes me want to dull it at the bar, but it also shows me the great qualities of myself that shine while sober. day and night. Struggling yet again, but taking personal inventory to determine what's going on in a very introspective way. a constant battle. I've been trying hard to make little goals and getting where I need to be. I've moved like 4 times this year, and again in a few months. Gotta deal with my health problems(another I've been ignoring through booze, ignorantly ignoring to shut out the realness of other heavy things coming down.) gotta take some tests and see if i'm ok. Just been feeling symptoms, and trying to cover them with booze. If they come back positive, I'll have to not drink for another month. That's fine, maybe it'll kick me into shape again, I just don't want it to be what it is. denial is a mofo. Just airing my dirty laundry...trying to get a better grasp on what's going on. It can be confusing, I'm sure you all know.