Rolf Harris

being skint's gonna be the case for me too in a couple of weeks... i got a bit of a scare from the doctor the other day... i went to get a range of blood tests done including one for my liver which he said came back a bit high... i told him how much i drink, and that it basically is every single night that i do have a couple beers. all he said was to calm it down, have no more than two a night, and have a few nights off. then come back for more tests in 6 weeks i'm sure this isn't gonna be too much of a problem for me... friday afternoons after work, i usually go to the local, speak to my mate and have aboot 6-8 pints before going to see my lass and then having another 4 or 5 tinnys. i managed to swerve the pub, and have 2 beers like the doc said with my meal, and no more afterwards. today i'd normally put on a few horses and watch the races in the pub, again over aboot 6 pints, then have my dinner, and head oot to the wee oors drinking with friends... i went to the pub for a few oors, but just had juice, now i'm just wanderin' aboot the hoose with a n/a beer, if no one's goin' oot tonight, i'll just stay in and have another night off it.

dear rolf... well done dickhead! there's the warning you knew fine well was coming... you do well by not drinking when you put your mind to it, and you don't miss it... idiot... now get on with life, get a new job, in fact a new career... as there is no building going on... anywhere... join the firies or go offshore... dae something, this joab yir in's pure shite... Rolf

i'll give this a go, but i'm not promising anything will work... i've posted this same trip before, but here it is again... set off on my bike across the bridge... they're spending millions on doing up our disgusting waterfront that everyone's been complaining aboot for years and years... this was the old council building "ahright cooz?!?" lovely day for a wee but o' river fashion... doon here... i almost flattened this wee cunt. he run off like mental after i took the photo then my camera died... i don't know why some have rotated and not others...

Dear Seyer... that's pure pish, I'm sorry to hear that... I hope everyone's doing ok... you know where I am if you need to talk to me... Dear wee brother's supposedly lesbian pal... please feel free to bring your bonny wee self over, lead my wee brother up the garden path, and eat our food any time you like... however next time you decide to take use our toilet to drop a few chair-legs, please don't leave it stinkin' to the high heavens and looking like Evil Knievel has been practising a new stunt run in it... i dinna need that after a ten hour work day... i don't even know how a small framed thing like you could leave such a mess... that's why i blamed my poor wee brother... only to find he was black affronted at me accusing him of such a thing... and strongly denied the accusation... fowl... absolutely fowl... Rolf Haggis

being draped in polo, with a jazz cigarette in one hand and a cold tinny o' german beer in the other... whilst the WU revolves on the 1210...

being off 'sick' from work, applying for new jobs and spending a long fuckin' time on hold it would seem...

dear suki... where in the fuck have you been? Rolf

nah doesnt' stink, it's all just loose tobacco and papers... we call the broon filters at the bottom of cigarettes "the beef" as in "leave me a couple o' draws on that fag before it's beefed"

dear co-worker... cheer up, you have a face like jeremy kyle told you; "you are the father!" Rolf...

that isn't a beef tray... it's just a wee tub my mate uses for all his scrapings and keeping the skins and roach in and what not... the actual beef tray is the glass thing at the back of it...

dear Schnitzel... congratulations... i realise i'm late on that... dear symbols... cheery! i've kind of done it by accident. tried eating healthier foods, and then decided not to bother with teh meat again... i do look a lot better, even if i've been drinking beer the night before, i don't wake up anywhere near as rough and looking like an aids victim for the rest of the day... Dear potential new joab... can you please get back to me as soon as humanly possible... I really am beginning to understand why psychopaths shoot up their entire workplaces... Dear mate... I don't know if it's justified you "pushing" your girlfriend after she belted you in the coupon... I don't care too much either, but can you please sort that shit out instead of asking me to go and shoot water balloons that are hanging off of trees in the middle of some fuckin' damp pishy forest miles away... i would rather watch the rangers play fitba'... Rolf

right if these haven't rotated then yir all just gonna have to deal with it... been too long, so i thought i'd take photos of my boring saturday... pack my bag with the essentials and see how long the cycle to work is gonna take... through the park... then went to visit my mate at his allotment on the way back... head back to his for a bifter... end...

dear symbols... this vegetarian life is the fuckin' business... Rolf (vegetarian) Haggis ken like ah that haggis yi get wi ah the nuts an that in it ken?

fuck this...

YO DAWG I HEARD YOU LIKE TO LOG-IN....

fuckin' kilts and bagpipes ya bas!

is there a possible link between the Russian community in Boston and these Chechens? you know, because they don't get along at the best of times...

dear smdubbdubb.... why hello there! dear company of employment... I hate you, with a passion... you're just a fuckin smelly wee prick thank fuck for this long weekend... dear 'manager' you couldn't organise an orgy in a brothel... you were kicked oot a customers hoose more than once because you couldn't put a door on a kitchen unit.... yet you think you can tell me how to do my job... if i hear any more of your shit stirring antics, i'll be waiting for you as you get oot your car... you're pushing 60 grow the fuck up yi fat fuckin' alky cunt... dear Mikey... i've known you since we were what? 4 or 5 year ald? i'm looking forward to getting pished and saying "chefter!" to you this evening, however you will be missed... i wish you all the best with yir new joab in Spain... and i will most certainly visit tae... dear remaining pals... so it looks like i'm the only one left? Rolf Haggis

i remember once i was painting an old air raid shelter in a wooded area of Edinburgh, ate two macaroni pies from the notoriously shitty Greggs bakers... aboot an hour later i feel the barry whites coming on... somehow i managed to get on the roof o' the shelter, walk to the edge, hang my arse off the edge and open the broon floodgates and drop a few chair-legs... there was only leaves to wipe my erse with, and as i'd finished, i looked round to see this middle-aged woman walking her dog up a path that i had no idea was even there, utterly horrified at what she'd just seen me do... i felt bad but i needed a shite... and the only alternative was just to shite my troosers... and nae fuckin' danger was i doin' that...

decy- yeah he said "for the £10 million funeral bill we can buy everyone in Scotland a shovel and hand her over to satan in person..." i don't really ever agree with celebrating anyone's death... but i went oot on the beer in celebration after her passing... after all she made lots of peoples lives a fucking misery for years... and the damage she's done to this country is still having an effect on everyday people to this day... i could rant on but i'll save you all the bother...

dear Schnitzel... i'll get something posted to you soon, things have been all different kinds of fucked up over here recently... dear american golf fans... you are the fuckin' worst... Rolf

Words cannot describe how happy i am at his fuckin' utter cunt passing off the face of the earth... her son's a fuckin' dirty bastard pedophile as well... the English think that they had it bad when they she was in power... but they keep the extra year of poll tax the Scottish had to pay before they did... this utter fuckin' cretin of a human being ripped the arsehole out of my country, she shut down all the public sector work throughout england and wales, paid everyone a disability welfare cheque to do fuck all but turn to a life of taking hard drugs and start drinking at breakfast everyday for the rest of their days until they're well into retirement, all of which may I add was paid for by Scottish oil... the only people who have a good word to say about this fuckin' dead whoorin' cunt are current members of the conservative parliament... all of which probably knew her on first name terms... and who's families done very well out of her tax breaks for the rich, and imprisoning the poor working man for daring to stand up to who they believed to be seemingly elected to represent "the people" all of course swung by murdoch and his shitey red top newspapers... I could sit here all fuckin' day long and tell you horror stories that my relatives have told me when this idiot was in power, such as my dad watching two of his friends nearly kill one another over a fuckin' stolen single egg that was left in their fridge, both of them ended up in hospital after the scrap... i know things aren't great anywhere in the world these days. but can you imagine punching fuckin' seven shades of shit out your best friend over something as trivial as a single egg? that's how bad it was ladies and gents... all in all... i'm gonna say it was a good thing, because I'm all in favor of Scottish independence, and all this fuckin' cunt done was push Scottish people in favor of it... and especially now we have a government full of conservative multi-millionaires telling us we're all feeling the pinch and it's beneficial to keep the UK as a whole... Honkey please...

Dear banks... really? after waiting all fucking weekend for Monday to come, you couldn't reach a decision to tell us weather or not we have the hoose?!? you haven't told us we have the highest bid? i'm presuming we do though... seeing as you're being wee stinkin' shitey bastards aboot the whole process... all that said though, please can we have it for such an amazing price? i'll make it super bonny and the fact i can bench withoot even leaving my door is just superb... dear seyseysey oh hai... dear pending interview... hurry the fuck up, i can't take much more of this joab... dear oil company... please refund my money, you have quite a lot of it... and i really want to use that to go to London and see A Tribe Called Quest play their first gig in the UK since i was 6 years old... dear symbols... i am jealous of your desire to keep travelling... but please keep doing it and showing us your rather spiffing photographs... Rolf

Dear workmate... you are a fuckin' bell end... look at yourself... it's like happy hour all day long working with your suicidal self... can you please just admit defeat and shave off what looks like a birds nest on the back of your head... your barber has left a hole in the haircut he gave you... i know you may well be rather jealous of my full head of hair when you have to walk around lookin' like you've worn a lampshade as a hat... plus are you gonna be a fuckin' prick all your life? you need to not get so super excited aboot the horses tae, the only time you're ever happy is when you've lost money... get a life you sad cunt. Rolf

I'd batter the arse off all 4...