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Liposuction, SUV's, Bruce Lee, James Brown..

Discussion in 'Channel Zero' started by ElectricitySucks, Aug 30, 2005.

  1. ElectricitySucks

    ElectricitySucks Veteran Member

    Joined: Jul 13, 2001 Messages: 6,395 Likes Received: 24
    First off, I need to get something out of my "system."

    Im driving home from the bookstore after purchasing (yes, i buy things) "The Great Shark Hunt" by Hunter S. Thompson (Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas author, duh.) and "Zen in the Martial Arts." So I'm at this point in the road where it cuts down to one lane.

    Theres me, who drives a toyota.

    Then theres the guy driving the SUV. lets refer to him as "Mr. I'm Dangerously Obese and I have a bigger car then you, but i pay so much money for gas, my date had to chip in some cash for burger king last night."

    To make the short story longer, we are riding next to each other when the 2- lane goes down to one lane. My heart starts pumping. I know the fat guy in the SUV needs to booste his self-esteem for the night and get his kicks out of "getting there" first. so, knowing the nice guy i am, i let him have it.

    Now is my time to drift into abnoxious asshole mode, which is an extremely rare form of personality change, at least for me. So i flick on my brights and tailgate, speeding up and always keeping my foot by the break, just incase he wants to counter-asshole-attack me and jam his breaks. I can tell im getting to him because the other people in the car are turning around, looking out the back window. Now is absolutely no time to stop my asshole adreniline, your only adding fuel to the fire you fatty fucks. keep eating.

    It was at that very time when BAM! the driver had thrown a cheeseburger out of his car onto my windshield. good aim, doofy.

    But the cop that had just made a right onto the road we were traveling on, had better aim to drive up right behind that fat asshole and pull him THE FUCK over. needless to say, the cop sort of cut me off, but hey, im happy he did so. that was the first time i thanked a cop, graciously. (Although I never really did in person.) As he pulled over the don vito in front of me, i tooted my toyota horn, made direct eye contact with mr. fatass while i was laughing, and gave him a thumbs up. he didnt look to happy.

    on a sidenote, i kept driving to avoid all the bullshit, and the cop seemed more concerned with fatty who threw the shit out of his window anyway.

    life is good.

    Since I'm sort of on the subject of whiney fat people, I need some imformation. For those of you who dont know, I work as a lifeguard at a pool. Alot of fat people come to the pool. I need some input on liposuction. I myself am under 140 pounds, therefore i need this information not "for myself," but to yell and scream at fat people who are considering the said medical procedure. What gets me is that these fat people eat fast food so much. Then, since they are LAZY, they say "hey, instead of loosing weight the healthy and safe" way, lets just shuv a shovel-vaccum up my legs and stomach to take away the fat. So, you loose a few million pounds. good for you.

    Fast foward a few weeks later after the procedure and they're back to fries, burgers, acid, transfat, and diabetes. now, obviosly not everyone getting lipo is like this, but im hearing so much from fat people about it. do electricitysucks a favor. dont come to my pool and talk to me about your weight problems, but, go running on the treadmill. or maybe, SWIM since your in the goddamn pool in the first place. Im comtemplating bringing earmuffs to work next time a fat lady comes to talk to me about her weight problems.

    Now to sum up my day in a thread, i must let you all know about an event that took place last night at a party. The event is called "punch for punch." For those of you who dont know what that is, its probably the most stupid game invented next to marco-polo, which i hear ALL FUCKING DAY. Marco-Polo isnt that bad though. anyway.

    It is when someone punches you and you punch them back. the upper arm is the target, in most "sober" cases. you do this until someone's arm finally comes off. To make this long story short, my friend who has been studying various martial arts for apprx. 8 years was peer pressureed into the game after witnessing a few games. He was chosen to hit the kid who was "winning" all the other rounds. My friend with years of punching experience is 5'6 and 130 something pounds. the other kid was about 6'1-2, 180-200 about.

    At first, my friend, lets refer to him as "Bruce Lee's son," did not want to part take in this game, because he knew he could seriously hurt someone. But since the big guy was acting all tough and beating everyone else, he said whatever, ill give it a try. Before Bruce Lee's son threw a punch, he said to mr. tough that he is very experienced, yadda yadda. mr. toughpants snickerd and you could see he didnt give a fuck about some little kid.

    mr. toughpants throws the first punch at my friend. not bad.

    Now, it's Bruce Lee's son turn. He winds up. Slowly, then executes a full out direct 7,000 mph punch to 200 pounder's arm. Mr. toughpant's body had actaully been almost leveled off and he went backwards and fell straight on his back a good 4 feet later.

    And VERY lastly, i thought it would be halirous for James Brown to make guest appearences at various points in our lives for no apparent reason. His appearence would obviously need to be unanounced and he would need to be high on pcp while dancing.

    The End.
  2. Smart

    Smart Dirty Dozen Crew

    Joined: Apr 14, 2000 Messages: 17,017 Likes Received: 178

    Jump back like to kiss myself, HEY!

    Tell Liposuctioneers that if they pay $5000 for the surgery then DO THE FUCKING EXCERCISES THE DOCTOR GIVES YOU AFTERWARDS!

    I've know 2 lazy bitches who have had the shit sucked out of their thighs, only to lay around afterwards and get more fatter thighs! Fortunately I hated both of them from jump street so that has actually been kinda fun for me...
  3. fermentor666

    fermentor666 Veteran Member

    Joined: Sep 27, 2003 Messages: 8,152 Likes Received: 15
    Your life is entertaining to read about on internet messageboards.

    Nothing beats fat guys in SUV's getting pulled over.
  4. Bumboclot.

    Bumboclot. Member

    Joined: Jul 16, 2005 Messages: 994 Likes Received: 46
  5. fatalist

    fatalist Dirty Dozen Crew

    Joined: Mar 10, 2004 Messages: 6,354 Likes Received: 25
    I would think he'll throw one of his kids out before he sacrificed his cheeseburger.
  6. Biggus Dickus

    Biggus Dickus Senior Member

    Joined: Jul 21, 2005 Messages: 1,371 Likes Received: 1
    It was probably an old, severely rotten cheeseburger he found in one of his folds. A fatty would never give up edible food.

    I fucking hate fatties. Maybe it's because I walk miles every day, and ride a bmx bike everywhere up or downhill at top speed the rest of the time, and am in shape, but fuck those fat people that go to the pool and expose everyone else to their hideous form. There should be a law. I mean really, a perfectly beautiful woman can't walk around topless in public if she wants to, but fat people can have the weight equivalent of hundreds upon thousands of breasts flopping out from every gap in their bathing suits. This is wrong. I say we do them a favor and start buying them stomach staplings to lose weight. Cheap stomach staplings, like the kind you buy at a hardware store and apply yourself.

    I think Sammy Sosa should run in with a corked bat and hit certain people in the head at key moments.

    I would have loved to see the arm punch of death. I always thought games like that were the most blatantly homoerotic events in the history of man.
  7. Dick Quickwood

    Dick Quickwood 12oz Loyalist

    Joined: Aug 25, 2002 Messages: 14,783 Likes Received: 14
    reminds me of the whiny fatso at wal mart who wouldn't return my bug spray. what's it to him? then i asked for the manager, and he let me do it. even though he said he asked the manager already.
  8. Gat Bush

    Gat Bush Veteran Member

    Joined: Jul 23, 2003 Messages: 9,817 Likes Received: 130
    ^^^ You shouldve waited til he got off work and beat him to death.
  9. fermentor666

    fermentor666 Veteran Member

    Joined: Sep 27, 2003 Messages: 8,152 Likes Received: 15
    ^^ Best solution to a problem in Channel Zero all week.
  10. Dick Quickwood

    Dick Quickwood 12oz Loyalist

    Joined: Aug 25, 2002 Messages: 14,783 Likes Received: 14
    then he would never achieve his life goal, to become the assistant manager
  11. FeltUno

    FeltUno New Jack

    Joined: Aug 27, 2005 Messages: 19 Likes Received: 0
    should have still kicked his ass after work..
  12. sarcasm

    sarcasm Elite Member

    Joined: Oct 30, 2003 Messages: 3,352 Likes Received: 35

    this reminded me of something...

    how come every time i see a fucking PT Cruiser on the street and i look
    into the driver's window, it's always some morbidly obese man/woman?

    what's the deal w/ this shit? do fat people just congrgate and decide that
    PT curiser (the ugliest car ever made) to be the driven choice? or maybe
    it's just the big backspace for their asses to reside in while putting around
  13. Dick Quickwood

    Dick Quickwood 12oz Loyalist

    Joined: Aug 25, 2002 Messages: 14,783 Likes Received: 14
    those things are fairly roomy

    and yes, the only person i've ever known who has one is fat
  14. 26SidedCube

    26SidedCube Veteran Member

    Joined: Mar 18, 2003 Messages: 6,590 Likes Received: 10
    E.S. is THE man!

    Great stories.

    As far as your James Brown reference goes I've always felt similar about wallnut-eyed retards with big dopey smiles. They always bring a smile to my face, the goofy little bastards.
  15. ElectricitySucks

    ElectricitySucks Veteran Member

    Joined: Jul 13, 2001 Messages: 6,395 Likes Received: 24
    theres a guy who owns a pt cruiser by me and hes fucking huge. this is very strange. dr. phil needs to conduct a study.