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Blowjob Etiquette

Discussion in 'Channel Zero' started by bobobi11, Jan 25, 2002.

  1. bobobi11

    bobobi11 Elite Member

    Joined: Dec 15, 2000 Messages: 2,807 Likes Received: 0
    Blowjob Etiquette (by a female)

    1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.

    2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.

    3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.

    4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.

    5. My ears are NOT handles.

    6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?

    7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.

    8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.

    9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.

    10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.

    11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.

    12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.

    13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.

    14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.

    15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.

    16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning".
     
  2. Santa Claus

    Santa Claus Senior Member

    Joined: Dec 23, 2000 Messages: 1,496 Likes Received: 0
    Blowjob Ettiquette (by santa claus)

    1. Santa needs some brains.




    oh man that sucked. not nearly as funny as i had hoped.
    but, read it, and imagine Santa saying that to, say, your mom?
     
  3. blood as ink

    blood as ink Guest

    that one made me laugh.
     
  4. j3di

    j3di Member

    Joined: May 3, 2001 Messages: 540 Likes Received: 0
    cunnilingus etiquette-
    1-you hold the power of knowing if your getting laid that night so do us a freindly favor and give a little extra scrub down there (martha stewart tip #873-diddle a little motion lotion or other flavored oil down there prior to...they'll be might glad you did)
    2-dont just lay there...wrap your legs around my head...pull my hair... its for you...enjoy it.
    3-if your not enjoying it...let us know...left, right, deeper, faster...thats it...you got it...ect. ect...the female organ is alot harder o please than the male...it takes practice and each is different so...let us know whats up...
    4-no kicking
    5-if i havent "finished" you off...dont pretend to...im in it to win it so dont front and give me delusions of grandure...
    6-give us some room on the bed to do our work...nothing sucks more than trying to please yer partner and your hunched over ass nekkid all smushed against the wall.
    7-like the other post...farting is sooooooooo out of the question...
    8-if you know your gettng some and you shave yer judy..make sure its not stubbly...ive had rug burn on my face form that shit...


    im sure theres plenty more...add some if youd like...
     
  5. bobobi11

    bobobi11 Elite Member

    Joined: Dec 15, 2000 Messages: 2,807 Likes Received: 0
    Rebuttal Of Female's Blowjob Etiquette (by a male)

    1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.

    2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.

    3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?

    4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.

    5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!

    6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. trust me.

    7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country.

    8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.

    9. Play with the balls.

    10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.

    11. Caress the ass, too. We like that!

    12. Make hay when the sun shines. it's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old & fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep".

    13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?
     
  6. sneak

    sneak Guest

    funny

    funny as fuck is all i can say

    but ts soooo true
     
  7. Pistol

    Pistol Dirty Dozen Crew

    Joined: Jul 12, 2001 Messages: 19,363 Likes Received: 299
    11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
    *But it's 007 GoldenEye

    14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
    *During the Simpsons or a Britney Spears Video

    16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning".
    *Well it ain't gonna suck it self

    These are just jokes I play around with my girlfriend, so don't jump down my throat. HAHA!
     
  8. Devilush

    Devilush 12oz Legend

    Joined: Feb 1, 2001 Messages: 17,035 Likes Received: 2
    aaaaaaaaahhahahaha :lol:
    you know...that is true.
     
  9. dBUSH

    dBUSH Member

    Joined: Apr 17, 2000 Messages: 950 Likes Received: 1
    PLAY WITH MY BALLS AND QUIT CALLING THEM UGLY!!!
     
  10. WebsterUno

    WebsterUno Guest

    8===================D
    Dont make me whip out the
    HIGHLY VENOMOUS CALIFORNIA BROWN SNAKE!


    *You guys are hurting my virgin ears!
     
  11. Pistol

    Pistol Dirty Dozen Crew

    Joined: Jul 12, 2001 Messages: 19,363 Likes Received: 299
    Rebuttal Of Female's Blowjob Etiquette (by a male)

    11. Caress the ass, too. We like that!
    *I don't like anything near the ass. Don't squeeze the cheeks either baby.

    13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?
    *It's only a little bit.;) :D
     
  12. willy.wonka

    willy.wonka Guest

    BLOW JOBS

    mmmmmmmmmmmmMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmm....aaaaaaahhh

    i once told the girl i love that she didnt have to do it anymore...she told me something on the lines of,"Dont be silly."
    wow
    we were freaky for our first lovers.....
     
  13. Kr430n5_666

    Kr430n5_666 Banned

    Joined: Oct 6, 2004 Messages: 19,229 Likes Received: 30
  14. Unregistered

    Unregistered Junior Member

    Joined: Nov 30, 2001 Messages: 154 Likes Received: 0
    Here's the one problem I have with girls who dont let you cum in their mouth:

    Personally, I work hard to provide a female with a dope orgasm, or many orgasms, since women can come repeatedly. I want her to enjoy being given oral sex as much as possible. Sometimes it takes quite a while to really stimulate a woman, considering the fact that she needs much more than just a quick session of sloppy tongue slurping. Performing oral sex on a female, when done selflessly and with attention to her, is truly an art, and requires a pretty good deal of dedication. If you cut her off at a certain point, she's going to be frustrated and dissapointed.

    Now when you consider the above, and then consider the fact that a horny guy can come within minutes of being skull-fucked by nearly any random chick, it seems almost rude to deny a giving man his much-less-gratifying-than-a-female's orgasm. For a guy, having to "pull out" from a blowjob and finish it solo decreases the sensation of his orgasm by at least 50%.

    Not that I'm going to object if a girl decides not take a cumshot in the mouth, it's her choice entirely. Some women just can't handle the thought of having that shit in their mouth, and with that I sympathize entirely. I'm just illustrating what it's like for a guy who WILL perform for her.
     
  15. miz303

    miz303 Banned

    Joined: Aug 23, 2001 Messages: 425 Likes Received: 0
    .....i no.....butt cum on...........you need dick bad....sorry,,,,,,,,,,,hahahaha
     
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