Jump to content
Search In
  • More options...
Find results that contain...
Find results in...
Sign in to follow this  
bobobi11

Blowjob Etiquette

Recommended Posts

Blowjob Etiquette (by a female)

 

1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.

 

2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.

 

3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.

 

4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.

 

5. My ears are NOT handles.

 

6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?

 

7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.

 

8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.

 

9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.

 

10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.

 

11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.

 

12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.

 

13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.

 

14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.

 

15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.

 

16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning".

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Blowjob Ettiquette (by santa claus)

 

1. Santa needs some brains.

 

 

 

 

oh man that sucked. not nearly as funny as i had hoped.

but, read it, and imagine Santa saying that to, say, your mom?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest blood as ink
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning".

 

that one made me laugh.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

cunnilingus etiquette-

1-you hold the power of knowing if your getting laid that night so do us a freindly favor and give a little extra scrub down there (martha stewart tip #873-diddle a little motion lotion or other flavored oil down there prior to...they'll be might glad you did)

2-dont just lay there...wrap your legs around my head...pull my hair... its for you...enjoy it.

3-if your not enjoying it...let us know...left, right, deeper, faster...thats it...you got it...ect. ect...the female organ is alot harder o please than the male...it takes practice and each is different so...let us know whats up...

4-no kicking

5-if i havent "finished" you off...dont pretend to...im in it to win it so dont front and give me delusions of grandure...

6-give us some room on the bed to do our work...nothing sucks more than trying to please yer partner and your hunched over ass nekkid all smushed against the wall.

7-like the other post...farting is sooooooooo out of the question...

8-if you know your gettng some and you shave yer judy..make sure its not stubbly...ive had rug burn on my face form that shit...

 

 

im sure theres plenty more...add some if youd like...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Rebuttal Of Female's Blowjob Etiquette (by a male)

 

1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.

 

2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.

 

3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?

 

4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.

 

5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!

 

6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. trust me.

 

7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country.

 

8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.

 

9. Play with the balls.

 

10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.

 

11. Caress the ass, too. We like that!

 

12. Make hay when the sun shines. it's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old & fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep".

 

13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest sneak

funny

 

funny as fuck is all i can say

 

but ts soooo true

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.

*But it's 007 GoldenEye

 

14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.

*During the Simpsons or a Britney Spears Video

 

16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning".

*Well it ain't gonna suck it self

 

These are just jokes I play around with my girlfriend, so don't jump down my throat. HAHA!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Originally posted by bobobi11

Rebuttal Of Female's Blowjob Etiquette (by a male)

 

...13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?

 

aaaaaaaaahhahahaha :lol:

you know...that is true.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest WebsterUno

8===================D

Dont make me whip out the

HIGHLY VENOMOUS CALIFORNIA BROWN SNAKE!

 

 

*You guys are hurting my virgin ears!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Rebuttal Of Female's Blowjob Etiquette (by a male)

 

11. Caress the ass, too. We like that!

*I don't like anything near the ass. Don't squeeze the cheeks either baby.

 

13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?

*It's only a little bit.;) :D

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest willy.wonka

BLOW JOBS

 

mmmmmmmmmmmmMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmm....aaaaaaahhh

 

i once told the girl i love that she didnt have to do it anymore...she told me something on the lines of,"Dont be silly."

wow

we were freaky for our first lovers.....

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Here's the one problem I have with girls who dont let you cum in their mouth:

 

Personally, I work hard to provide a female with a dope orgasm, or many orgasms, since women can come repeatedly. I want her to enjoy being given oral sex as much as possible. Sometimes it takes quite a while to really stimulate a woman, considering the fact that she needs much more than just a quick session of sloppy tongue slurping. Performing oral sex on a female, when done selflessly and with attention to her, is truly an art, and requires a pretty good deal of dedication. If you cut her off at a certain point, she's going to be frustrated and dissapointed.

 

Now when you consider the above, and then consider the fact that a horny guy can come within minutes of being skull-fucked by nearly any random chick, it seems almost rude to deny a giving man his much-less-gratifying-than-a-female's orgasm. For a guy, having to "pull out" from a blowjob and finish it solo decreases the sensation of his orgasm by at least 50%.

 

Not that I'm going to object if a girl decides not take a cumshot in the mouth, it's her choice entirely. Some women just can't handle the thought of having that shit in their mouth, and with that I sympathize entirely. I'm just illustrating what it's like for a guy who WILL perform for her.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Originally posted by bobobi11

Rebuttal Of Female's Blowjob Etiquette (by a male)

 

1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.

 

2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.

 

3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?

 

4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.

 

5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!

 

6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. trust me.

 

7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country.

 

8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.

 

9. Play with the balls.

 

10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.

 

11. Caress the ass, too. We like that!

 

12. Make hay when the sun shines. it's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old & fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep".

 

13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?

.....i no.....butt cum on...........you need dick bad....sorry,,,,,,,,,,,hahahaha

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest bug
Originally posted by bobobi11

16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning".

 

for me personally, morning screwing is wonderful. i just had a good nights rest, i'm energized to give her my all. more than at night. if she really wants to please me, morning is the right time. i will bless her too with my oral dexterity. not that i'm disagreeing that someone should be required, just that morning is when i'm very receptive, and i'm very willing and able to reciprocate.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Originally posted by bobobi11

Rebuttal Of Female's Blowjob Etiquette (by a male)

 

1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.

 

2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.

 

3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?

 

4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.

 

5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!

 

6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. trust me.

 

7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country.

 

8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.

 

9. Play with the balls.

 

10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.

 

11. Caress the ass, too. We like that!

 

12. Make hay when the sun shines. it's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old & fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep".

 

13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?

 

i was going to post this if you didnt...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Register for a 12ozProphet forum account or sign in to comment

You need to be a forum member in order to comment. Forum accounts are separate from shop accounts.

Create an account

Register to become a 12ozProphet forum member.

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  

×