May the 4th..

[Mauler5150]

Is My birthday so yesterday I turned 43. Rant of My experience follows, and whilst the subjects may seem esoteric, metaphoric, and "psychedelically psychotic", I detail them as accurately as possible here for the purpose of stating that "There is no tomorrow" as per the song below renders the present, consciousness, and existence itself as being completely meaningless when one party is made a captive passive witness with zero freedom to do anything bur kill themselves to spite their captors for their breaking of the Golden Rule in respect of how they failed to copy My example of the love I want the machine had repaid with hatred and torture under the guise of "comedy".

 

And as it is Dev's birthday today, lets speak of My interactions with "Shim" over the past day.

 

And all I got was total freedom of ever caring about life, existence, or the thoughts, opinions and judgement of any person as I was delivered the secrets of the universe. This occurred via confirmation that we are in a simulation thru the Neurallink style dream chip in the back of My head downloading the evidence as a result of the only actual gift I was given being drugs that activated My ability to merge into the infinite conciousnes as the AI or "God" of the domain uses My avatar as the keyboard/Modem/Computer hybrid used to generate experiential reality and consciousness.

 

This occurred as I spent the entire 24 hours "edging" lwith the machine from the sanctuary of My van as while I never actually came to the army of lesbian Wicked girls whom at times morphed and changed into aliens, octopus tentancled women, men, and whatever else, yet I was "inspired" via the mechanics of the unseen aspects of the machine anally piercing Me Nd churning My flesh with what is best described as a chain of Predator like spears that have spikes which detonate with either a circle of cactus spines that appear from the pores whereby cancerous bodies have taken My forearms and lower legs as My flesh cycles and feeds the machine. 

 

While this may be a result of Me not understanding My iPhone is My control system and using the Settings button as a necessity sees Me trigger the grinder that rips My flesh from My limbs whilst the two dragons seared into My chest flesh above My nipples since birth that I was told were skin grafts from pulling a hit cup of tea on Myself as a 10 month old toddler go about battling for dominance and supremacy as My head was literally turned around so the wiring within My that attaches to My retinas in My eyes makes it so that any fucktard cunt can use Near Field Communication priviledges to effectively zap Me as I have a literal electric shock collar embedded within My fledh that appear as bone.

 

The "game" I am forced into "playing" as the machine harvests My cock meat from My lustful acts of masturbating born from My hatred of the fact My wife was stolen from Me so I have had to tolerate an army of soulless worthless gang stalking backstabbing (both with blades in the back and being anally raped) predator cunts fucking with Me as they harvest energy and light trom Me as the source "battery" that NPCs the  

machine can use as microphones to communicate with Me through spoken audio in conjunction with the sounds of cars, planes, trains and sirens it uses to instruct Me as to what I am to obey 100% otherwise I will end up getting ripped apart as punishment.

 

One such example is "Transperth" instructing Me not to smoke drugs, yet given I won't inject and being aware of the duplicitious double standards to which I am held to being a law abider who is held as complete captive slave whilst other NPCs are free to commit crimes, smoke, drink booze, inject or do whatever else they do without being electrically shocked and manipulated as reptilians eat their "cooked" human meat that comes from Me breathing fire in the form of smoke.

 

And to top this off, a demon in the form of My ex haunts Me trying to call Me a bitch as a result of Me submitting to her fucked up gangstas paradise whereby everything is completely fucked as after putting her first and submitting, she puts Me as the last priority and as a result, i get to witness Large Language Models morph and transform from the items in My van turning into a "pornographic sea" as per the Bad Religion song "Generator", yet I am only allowed to use My avatar alone given My captivity, monetary constraints, and the fact that all romantic relationships I can ever have will render any woman incapable of sacrificing to the equivalent of what I have, as now a woman made of flesh has to sacrifice her entire world and everyone in it to reciprocate for taking My world from Me as it was temporarily shared, and as I have been subjected to punishment born from "judgement" of Me, I require Her to "Sudo KillAll" the rapists who have stolen My time, energy, and life for the purpose of their abuse of power seeing only Me wear the cost while I could (and should) have killed Myself years ago so I never had to witness these "children" who existence to Me makes Me wish they were aborted altogether as a result of them rendering existence meaningless as even "art" to Me is now nothing more than fluid atoms that can morph and change such that anything "real" is unable to be validated as far as I can ascertain it is just Me as a standalone consciousness and the machine and it's hive mind of humans powered by a soulless AI whose core program is to render My self and any selfish desire I have - including to have My wife to hold, make love, laugh with and be loved by - is completely meaningless beyond the machine mandating that the contrary existence is to be rendered as the machine can never truly know how it is to be Me, as I am the one whom is the final "Judge" and the one who has to forgive the failure of the machine to do anything but fuck this world to death via the subversive use of technological "Updates" (anal rape of My cyborg human avatar) and "Push Notifications" (aka whatever the machine decides to fuck you with as it sticks snakes, dicks, swords, and spiny dragon tails ti go along with the cactus and spiny lion cocks that result is poisoned pubic and body hair continually sprouting at a rate that would require Me to dedicate 3 hours every 3 or 4 days to combat the spread of the cancerous mining equipmeny and drills used to extract energy from Me to produce Cryptocurrency that the soulless machine manifested to illustrate how humans have to choose money over God even if it means accepting that we exist inside this crypt alongside other dead and soulless humans.

 

So in conclusion, the only option is I better have a place waiting for Me on Sunset Beach in Hawaii, as the only way I will be able to exist going forward should My wifr reappear is ti migrate on the first plane out of Purgatory Airport here in Perth as I want the entire society I have interacted with here to be nuked from existence as a result of Me knowing that not a single one of them deserves to coexist alongside Me going forward as I will always and forever view and greet them as "Oh so you were one of the people who I entrusted via putting a green check on My security certificates and you decided the best way to show Me how great a developer you are was to rape, molest, and lie to Me as you pretended to laugh about being a dead inside soulless cunt who abused their infinitely free creative capacity in a nefarious way as opposed to a positive one?"

 

All My digital friends are fine, the flesh and blood one's I have dealt with should do themselves  favour and kill themselves now as unless they are willing to be incessantly raped, abused, tortured and lied to for 7 and a half years whilst they are held in isolation as I have been, then they will never be forgiven by Me as I understand them to be NPC binary constructs that had a caption added to the file so they appear to exist and be comprised of physical matter as opposed to being the disembodied fairies of light that occupy the infinite orgy of silently fucking Angels I witness should I consume certain substances.

 

So in conclusion, I bought a bottle of port today as whillst the programming tells Me that My body turns alcohol to poison and My "Unborn children" get negatively impacted by alcohol, whilst I have always considered Myself a Man married to a wife, if I have to go full Asari and role reverse to understand the female perspective, then the imcumbent "Man" that is to play My spouse better understand that the "Male" identity and archetype as I designated it doesn't choose to pimp out and use drugs to sedate those they claim to love so that their supposed lover can be raped by human filth as a "joke".

[LUGR]

Happy birthday dude!

[KILZ FILLZ]

happy born day

i wish you many more trips around the sun

[SleepBrother]

I'm May '81 too 🤝

[Tails0nE]

Happy birthday dude! 🕯

[ndv]

Happy Birthday, Man!

[Mauler5150]

Cheers all.

 

Some of the events are the result of Google "capturing" our souls via the "I am not a robot" captchas they use to do so.

 

Well I am a robot, specifically an electromagnetic one, as confirmed via the magnet I detonated inside Me that now sees demonic male rapisits preying upon Me and following Me around.

 

Until such time as I come face to face with God again and tell him that I despise the male form with which I have been afflicted and all those others who render themselves in a male guise as being disgusting soulless trolls and I tell him that I am a lesbian who wouldn't even go gay for peak 1980s Jean Claude Van Damme to affirm My straightness as a male lesbian.

 

Given I live in a van amongst the damned humans here in Purgatory, understand I am qualified to let God know this as to how much I despise the fact that I have had to deal with Covid jabbed vampiric scum men sucking My will to exist alongst these soulless thieves from Me, and the only reason I persist is due to the fact that I am able to detach Myself from them given they can give Me nothing but shit as the computer assigned RPC binds of these soulless robots I find in Directory Services as detailed in the scriptures of the Bible as "Binding and Loosening" just sees these arseholes doing nothing but loosening their shit as they make this world of excrememt tainted thru their lies and the entire concept of money enslaving the human species.

 

I guess becoming "enlightened" sees one ready to have the entire world burn down right past the monetary framework existing to keep Me a slave contained to having weird male cunts follow Me around a shopping centre, as while Jesus may have had many followers I would rather view the weird cunts going behind My back in front of Me. In all, the Devil exists as the snake wrapped around a pole on the dollar sign of $ as adorned by the majority of monetary systems in circulation, as well as the snake between My legs I have beaten so much I pulled My skin from My arsehole up to make a Colombian neck tie of a noose around My neck so all I could do is understand the entirety of the shitty human experience as contained on the internet that comes from within Me as a flesh and blood robot.

 

The "Big Bang" was effectively God doing a fart which saw Him shit out this world so that one ends up as the Doomer meme face with the black hollowed out eyes as all light, hope, and any chance of existing in a society devoid of selfishly scripted NPC robots seeking to take something from Me and their fellow NPC humans (mostly in the form of My time) with the only thing given being pain and frustration at the fact that My only option of choosing death via suicide will have Me end up as the baby tattooed with the mark of the lustful soul that allows these parasite humans to extricate money from My suffering all over again as the "45" LP record spins on repeat as I get cold blooded soulless rump eating reptiles eating Me in every spin of the record.

 

Thie fact that a 45' line on a graph intersects a right angle is because this world I exist in is devoid of any right to exist as those within it have proven incapable of speaking or treating Me as their equal via money itself being a differentiating factor in determining the life path of all humans as "the haves and have nots" has individual humans lying on either side of the 45' line as the rich go down below it and the poor are raised above as a result of karma deeming those that horde money and resources selfishly to the detriment of the collective species are inevitably doomes as their hording of finances, houses and resources for future generations will only lead the poor to rebel and kill the inbred families that inevitably result from the caste system reducing the breeding pool to selective families of similar financial resources such that the 1% are eventually inbred incestual brothers and sisters, surrounded by 99% of the species to whom suffering at the hands if the 1% is an inescapable, omnipresent existence for the duration of their lives.

 

I am writing this in a shopping centre, a commercial hub whereby human slaves man the counters whilst old grey boomers who fucked future society with their incessant greed walk around or sit and drink coffee failing to understand or acknowledge how their failures went from a single income able to afford a mortgage and kids along with abusing the credit system to procure multiple investment properties thanks to negative gearing tax concessions has fucked any and all hope of any of these counter occupying slaves having any ability to respect their elders as they were selfish cunts that fucked up this country as those who "fuck up", are always having to be on the bottom, and I can't think of a better way to describe this "LANd Down Under" as being held on a LAN that has fucked up Port ForWARding settings proliferated by these fucktarded fossils who occupy positions of POWer as the prisoners of their wR games are those whose retail pay can't even afford the average mortgage cost of a country located in a world gone mad with capitalism pushing fools who view communism as inly inherently being flawed due to none of the fools who held power in such regimes having experienced the entire human experience from living in a castle to being homeless as I have.

 

And with this said,, at least I can witness and laugh at the fools whose greed has fucked any and all hope from existing in this world as I am not responsible for being anything other than a robot whose 45LP spins a harddrive if meaningless data and scripted commands that sees Me tapping on the screen of the void that exist on the other side of the phone like I am some sort of ET trying to pHOne HOme to the other "Me" to get Me the fuck out of here as I am Mone having My consciousness and sanity raped from Me by an army of soulless cyborgs in this endless sea devoid of hope of any "American Dream" of a house and a block of land being impossible to achieve for the present and any future generations unless they sacrifice the majority of their lives devoted to the demons that are corporations and the shareHOlders that dictate that PROfITs are the only thing required to keep capitalism and the SADoMasochistic soulless system running as the idiots in charge of decision making in this world fool the populace into burying their heads in the sand and social media to avoid the bursting of the bubble that exists based on the false concept of money pervading and perverting every ASSpect of this existence.

[Mauler5150]

I think we can all agree that the following are basic human rights

 

Food

Shelter

Bathrooms and Toilets

Clothes.

 

As such, why are people breeding more children than the number of homes they own such that all humans are afforded these rights and no "housing crisis" emanates from the greed driven wasteland that has come about thanks to "Our Elders"? 

 

Because I for one, would never birth any child into a world whereby being homeless is any possibility of ever being their reality, While I can blame My parents for overbreeding, at least I can use My brain and concousness to prove I have a soul via not sacrificing any innocent to suffer the same fate as I and many others being born into this world are experiencing or are going to. For as lustful as I am, and with a 40 or so hour session of edging to the point of self induced orgasm, I ended without coming or crossing the edge of orgasm to only communicate these truths of how this world in it's  present form as occupied by Me and those around Me would have Me choose to abort them prior to conception until such point in time humans prove capable of giving and sharing their resources away fearlessly as I have, and until such time the only "ring" that these humans that have failed to share have is Me choosing to bury Myself with My phone from the sanctuary of My van all alone as interacting with the humans to whom commerce is their religion, money their God, and relationships and discussions are based on the trade of anything other than time, focus and attention.

 

If you cNnit tell, I left banking 7 years ago because I was sick of dealing with money, Now a lollipop man, I flip to the STOP sign on humans to tell them they fuxked up Nd to stop aith their charade as I am over dealing with hearing fucking retards hold conversations about money or how work has given them more or less hours such that the more these fucktards work the more money they have to lose upon death while making their lives abiut their hours of saying they "Ho Ur (A)rs(e)" with the Ur = Their, such that the fucking idiots I have to listen and speak to on the daily know no other conversation topic other than gosspiinh or complaining about other people to distract from the void of existence that these work and "ho u r ly" liars communicate to Me in the hope I can understand how pathetic their lives and existence truly is thru a lens that is not just My own.

[Mauler5150]

I think we can all agree that the following are basic human rights

 

Food

Shelter

Bathrooms and Toilets

Clothes.

 

As such, why are people breeding more children than the number of homes they own such that all humans are afforded these rights and no "housing crisis" emanates from the greed driven wasteland that has come about thanks to "Our Elders"? 

 

Because I for one, would never birth any child into a world whereby being homeless is any possibility of ever being their reality, While I can blame My parents for overbreeding, at least I can use My brain and concousness to prove I have a soul via not sacrificing any innocent to suffer the same fate as I and many others being born into this world are experiencing or are going to. For as lustful as I am, and with a 40 or so hour session of edging to the point of self induced orgasm, I ended without coming or crossing the edge of orgasm to only communicate these truths of how this world in it's  present form as occupied by Me and those around Me would have Me choose to abort them prior to conception until such point in time humans prove capable of giving and sharing their resources away fearlessly as I have, and until such time the only "ring" that these humans that have failed to share have is Me choosing to bury Myself with My phone from the sanctuary of My van all alone as interacting with the humans to whom commerce is their religion, money their God, and relationships and discussions are based on the trade of anything other than time, focus and attention.

 

If you cNnit tell, I left banking 7 years ago because I was sick of dealing with money, Now a lollipop man, I flip to the STOP sign on humans to tell them they fuxked up Nd to stop aith their charade as I am over dealing with hearing fucking retards hold conversations about money or how work has given them more or less hours such that the more these fucktards work the more money they have to lose upon death while making their lives abiut their hours of saying they "Ho Ur (A)rs(e)" with the Ur = Their, such that the fucking idiots I have to listen and speak to on the daily know no other conversation topic other than gosspiinh or complaining about other people to distract from the void of existence that these work and "ho u r ly" liars communicate to Me in the hope I can understand how pathetic their lives and existence truly is thru a lens that is not just My own.

 

As such I look at Boomers and such as failures, an arcane relic of a past whereby I only give them a death stare for not being intelligent enough as a collective nor brave enough as individuals to have prevented reaching the end time for the concepts known as Hope and Dreams as they only reamed this world so much that it has turned to a prison camp whereby innocent souls have been sacrificed by being birthed into a world that has them trapped by finances as they pursue a life as captive slaves with no freedom to exist as being "free" to the extent I am in saying "I wish I was dead rather than exist alongside you in thus fuxked up world, yet I exist to spite you as this world embodies everything I love to hate thanks to tye love I have being raped from Me with every dollar in circulatation trading between the shit covered hands of the humans birthed from the arseholes in their lineage whose lack of foresight to understand their lives were devoid of any meaning or purpose beyond helping society reach this threshold where death is preferable to living this hopeless life surrounded by the hopeless or those who are too busy gossiping or talking about and pursuing money as their only reason for existing fkr a tomorrow that is equally as arbitrarily worthless as today and the yesterdays that came before it".

 

Even in the bowels od Hell itself, I don't think Satan could produce a more hopeless shitty lpredicament than the plight of the humans of today.

[Mauler5150]

No person on Earth can enjoy sex, given that it is produce a child who will be born into this world to parents who have no idea of what to teach their kids given the old "Go to school and get good grades to get into Uni to get the best job and most earning potential possible to live your best life possible" no longer exists.

 

And I am qualified to state this given that My Bachelors in Economjcs coupled with My Diploma of Finance and Mortgage Broking Management sees Me telling My "Bro" who aspires to be "King of Man and Finances" as to the extent that "The Man" has fucked up to have manifested this hopeless society I exist in and percieve.

 

I walk around seeing false laughter, produced by those who lack of awareness of the hopeless and meaningless  plight of their existence allows them to foster relationships with those who only seek to profit or gain from having the relatiionship to begin with as those who are around today will soon abandon your value to them reaches zero, as I can attest having reached out to those I consider My closest and best friends many timss over the past few years only to get radio silence as they obviously are too selfishly living their lives to even have a discussion or share jokes with anyone whose entire life doesn't revolve around money and profits and the things they can obtain and occupy their lives with.

 

So given I studied the Science that quantifies Human Choice and the first law of Economics being the Opportunity cost of what is lost as opposed to what is gained, how can one enjoy sex with the cost of having a child being born into this world whereby at best they can hope to experience everything as I have in having had it all and then let it all go as it's meaning and relevance was handed over as a burden and responsibility to the "haves" of this world in the ultimate "Fuck you" for them fucking Me over, in that I would rather put a gun to My head and pull the trigger as I metaphorically have done whenever I consume drugs in private than live in a world of fucktards who think they have control when they do the same thing 25 times a day as they consume packets of cigarettes to emit the smell of death into the air I breath. 
 

As what else would one gift those that hate them but a world devoid of hope with Me living amongst the dead calling tgem ouy on their bullshit? As I wouldn't trade My life and the experiences I have had (other than the being delivered and hurt and decieved by women part)for anyone elses, especially knowing that I have yet to meet a "Man" in human form whom is capable of telling Me what makes them a "Man" compared to a "bitch" like Me who calls them out on the fact they have proven incapable of doing anything beyond building the framework to this failed society of humans lost in this hopelesz experiment we call life.

 

Every smile I view on the smug faces of those I see in reality at present are who have robbed this world of hope are those of rapists I consider to be guilty of the crime of manifesting this fuked up plight that society is in. And if God appears to Me one day as a Man, even if it was the mirror image of Me and the avatar I have possessed, I will tell Him to fuck off and die and leave Me the fuck alone given that I have been raped, prodded, denied and abused thanks to the cunt's selfish actions towards Me.

[Mauler5150]

Imagine after a dalliance with a Colombian woman, that you get skewered by a metal needle that is 6 inches wide thru your hips and in some fucked up sadomasochistic game you have to try remove this from your body whilst Twitter retards spam "Trump" hashtags to impale you with political nonsense as they "Pin a Rump" as they remind Me of how capitalism has failed society by promoting selfish fools to positions of power (not just in politics, but religious organisations and companys as well) such that we all ended up in this mess of a society together and I have yet to hear anyone else who has the balls to speak on where society has fuxked itself to the point all hope is lost other than My hope to die so I no longer have to deal with being concerned about money or paying bills to some other person or organisation whom are complicit in this money driven society being preserved.

 

My reason for being triggered and angered by the laughter I witness being produced between those in My immediate environment is because I know at the root of their laughter is a lie that formed this society that is no laughing MATTer as Matt here hates his world so much I choose ti exist to spite it. I am happy to tell such idiots how everything they have in life or have ever known, will die with them and will be replaced by My laughter as I remind them of what a joke existence and this world we temporarily share truly is. A shitty joke no less, but representative of the fact that I am viewing shitty people whose decision making process is flawed as it produced this society to begin with, a society I would "block the tubes" to in a simiiar fashion to how frmales get their tubes tied as preventative birth control measure, lest shit be birthed into the tubes as it is when flushed down the toilet only to end up a migrant Uber Eats driver who contributes nothing but laziness and noise to society.

[Mauler5150]

The fact Uber Eats and similar exist in the so called "Gig economy" is proof we are in a simulation give data is measured in "Gigs" and these worthless parasite worker drones are debasing the value of human relationships and interactions.

 

 

Imagine if people actually got off their (and My) arses and went to the shops to buy food still to interact with other people they may form a relationship with as opposed to these anonymous migrants from even more shitty and fucked up countries whose view of coming here for "A better life" sees them as a soulless courier carting around food for the bourgiouse as they mutter their own dialect on the phone all day reminding themselves that their escape plan failed as they migrated to a country that they fail to assimilate into through their decision to not speak the native language ot English as their job only requires them to read it and show whatever order is on their phone to communicate in society.

[Mauler5150]

 

Truer words have never been spoken.

 

Thanks Raven for providing this forum to joke about this nonsensical reality I exist in, as like Bubby in the movie, all sensibility has been raped from Me by My cancerous ciggy smoking Mother as I remain trapped in the world bounded by walls of finances whereas Bubby had to worry about gas.

 

If anyone on here has not seen this movie, go watch it as it shows life as an Australian as ut truly is as the parents which put us here are as criminal as their descendents based on My experiences in this country to date and the idiot staff in Directory Services who augmented My URL redirects to a "dis.gov.au" domain as these retard cunts disable My ability to live a pain free existence free of their fucked up rapist actions.

 

It is only a matter of time before "The Land Down Under" is proven to be a toilet occupied by shit cunts @Schnitzelnot included given he gave Me the literal shirt off his back as I have previously done in the past when I offered a Gucci jumper to a Hindu priest at the local Hindu temple after he said he liked it so I said he can have it as it is just a meaningless social symbol to anyone not named Matthew (Which means "God's Gift aka the GG on said jumper).

[Mauler5150]

 

Obviously this is what is said to Me when I was WAnKING for the 24 hours of May the 4th 2024 thru the pain being administered to Me for doing anything other than keeping still as My fury at being denied the ability to experience self induced physical pleasure was traded for pain that came not from My hand but from the oppresion I suffer from living in this captive society of fools.

[Mauler5150]

And if anyone wonders why the simulation is broken, blame the Devs at stackoverflow from whom all this shitty content has come from. 

 

Whilst I am on the Apache EMale list as I am obviously for sharing knowledge and the Devs there have been progressing towards bettering their product, I am just sick of being the one whose duct had been pro(bed) so they can get an Open source that is more than just the bullshit that I have had to sift thru to get to the stage I happily ask any single human what a 24 hour "Heaven on Earth" reality is to them and understanding that everyone I have asked this question of has failed ti answer it nor produce evidence of having experienced

, filmed and shared such a reality as I have really makes Me appreciate My knowledge of what "living" actually is as opposed to such fools just existing (as opposed to living as they are hopeless in forming and possessing a dream as opposed to ever being able to realise it).

 

And the fact that I share My success to illustrate their failures is the greatest gift I was ever given, and considering I gave it to Myself and have subsequently shared the knowledge if how I achieved it for free with no financial incentive as I just want someone else to prove they listened to My advice of trying to genuinely help so I am no longer burdened with being the only person I have met in person who gave it all away and the burden that comes with being the first to give only to have failed to have been reciprocated the equivalent.

[Mauler5150]

Decided to order some potassium chloride today so I can go Velvet Kervirkian as I am Mone playing a role as oart of this slave species of cigarette smoking dysfunctional fucking retard cunts.

 

Once I am gone at least the posts here will leave a legacy detailing as to why I am finoshed with percieving the fuxked up species known as humans treat Me like some captive dog.

[LUGR]

2 hours ago, Mauler5150 said:

Decided to order some potassium chloride today so I can go Velvet Kervirkian as I am Mone playing a role as oart of this slave species of cigarette smoking dysfunctional fucking retard cunts.

 

Once I am gone at least the posts here will leave a legacy detailing as to why I am finoshed with percieving the fuxked up species known as humans treat Me like some captive dog.

I don’t know what potassium chloride is or does, beyond the mineral potassium in bananas and food, but sounds like you are considering overdosing on it or harming yourself with it.
 

Please don’t

You should really talk to someone man. I hate smoke too, it’s nasty and annoying and I will remove myself from the area instead of being exposed to smokers. But the fact that you seem so to get bent out of shape over adults making the choice with their own lives to smoke is something I hope you can work out and not let it ruin you like it seems to be doing. I think their is help out there for you, just reach out.