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Puerto Rico, Beeeet-ches! (now with flicks)


Harvey Wallbanger

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So the lady and I flew to Puerto Rico for my birthday. I took a fuckload of pictures, drank a fuckload of rum, and had a fuckload of fun. Puerto Rico is awesome.

 

 

We flew into Ponce, on the South side of the island, at 4:30 in the morning. For some reason, my backpack didn't. I had some breakfast while my girl got the rental car.

 

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These letters were probably thirty feet tall. The picture doesn't really do them justice, but it was 5:30 in the morning and I hadn't set my camera properly. Just take my word for it, it was cool.

 

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At Mamerro's reccomendation, we drove north To Jayuya, where we spent hours driving up winding backroads and hiking through the jungle just to see this

 

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and swim in this

 

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And then this little fucker tried to bite me.

 

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I'm no arachnologist or anything, but I'd say it's a safe bet that this thing would have either killed me, or given me superpowers.

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There are a fucking ton of stray animals in Puerto Rico. Everywhere you go, there are dogs, roosters, lizards, horses, etc. just walking around like they're on their way home from work or something.

 

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At one point, I saw a fucking chicken and a rabbit straight chilling together next to a mailbox. Another time, I left my shoes for about an hour, and when I came back, this dude was in one of them!

 

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There were a bunch of tiny little rural towns along the roads we were taking through these less developed parts of the island, and they were incredible. It all felt much further away than it was, and it was easy to forget that we were in a US territory. My girl is Puerto Rican, but she didn't grow up there. Fortunately, I know just enough Spanish to sound like I know what I'm talking about. The people were very friendly, the coffee was excellent, and nobody seemed to be in a rush. Ever. Unfortunately, almost all of the pictures I took in these towns were polaroids, and I don't have a scanner.

 

The treacherous, winding backroads up the mountain made the trip up all the better, but apparently they're replacing it all with a new highway...

 

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And if you crash up there, apparently they don't send a tow truck. They just leave your shit on the side of the road to rust.

 

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We went and studied up on the traditional symbolic "cave" paintings of the Borinkua

 

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And then continued on to San Juan to meet up with an old buddy and go surfing. Polaroid courtesy of my lovely girlfriend, but I let my boy keep it.

 

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It was the first time I'd gone out in about ten or twelve years, and the break was way out past a reef. It took about twenty minutes for me to paddle out, and I was already exhausted. I really wanted to get up though, and on my third try, I managed to stand for about a second and enjoy this view:

 

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Then I cut my foot up on a reef, and we went in.

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We were supposed to take a ferry out to one of the smaller islands for a night, but the tickets sold out before we got there. Just when my girl was about to get mad at me for not getting up early enough, this dude (who I seriously thought was Earsnot for a minute) rolled up and said that he and his boyfriend couldn't get on the boat either, but they had heard you could charter a private plane for 25 bucks a person. So we jumped in with them, and rode 10 minutes to the tiniest airstrip I've ever seen. Twenty minutes later, we were boarding our ride to Culebra:

 

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The pilot handed me this and said something I didn't understand. Presumably, it was Spanish.

 

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Generally, I have no problem with flying. When I'm on a 727 with my travel blanket and ipod and a little TV in the seat in front of me, I'm willing to sit back and put my trust in whatever kind of magic those things run on. But this thing was fucking terrifying. It was like being in my friend's 1972 Jeep Wrangler, only we were half a mile above the ground, and there was a propeller outside my window.

 

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[Note the shadow. That bugged me the fuck out.]

 

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Fortunately, it was only about a ten minute flight.

 

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I'm glad we flew.

 

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On the little island, we went snorkeling, which was awesome. It's like being on another planet. Fucking amazing. There was, however, an unfortunate incident where a wave washed me over a sea urchin (which are like an underwater cross between a porcupine and a cactus) and I got a little poked up. I guess that was the stabbing Mams warned me about. On our last trip, I bought one of those disposable underwater cameras, but it took shitty pictures. This time, I took an old, barely functional digital camera, and put it inside two zip-lock bags. This sort of worked... for about five minutes, and then I got a leak and ruined the camera. C'est la vie. I'm still working on inventing an underwater polaroid.

 

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One thing I really like about Puerto Rico is that in a lot of places, if you're willing to hike for a few minutes, you can find shit like this and be the only person around. Granted, a horse might wander by every now and then, but they pretty much mind their own business. We spent a few hours on this beach, and never saw another person.

 

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La Culebra-- maybe this was a deterrent-- we saw a few of these on the way to the spot.

 

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This crab was dope.

 

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Guest R@ndomH3ro
Yeah... Mamerro and I were supposed to meet up and go to the bar with the emu, but we both got drunker than expected (imagine that!) the night before, so it didn't pan out. He did hook it up with directions to some really ill spots, though-- thanks again, Mams.

 

 

Story would have been better if Mams got stabbed.....by the Chupacabra.

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