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Oh how I sighed when they asked if I knew his name...ROB

Discussion in 'Channel Zero' started by beardo, Sep 12, 2003.

  1. beardo

    beardo Guest

    And he was alright

    mental is out for the day, so here i am once again taking over 'rob duty'

    song of the day is 'lady stardust' by david bowie


    Free Will Astrology
    horoscopes for week of September 11, 2003

    Aries (March 21-April 19)

    A study by psychologists at the University of Sussex in Great Britain has found that taking part in protests, demonstrations, or strikes is good for you. Interviews with activists revealed that participants experienced a deep sense of happiness and even euphoria in being involved in such events. By my astrological reckoning, this will be especially true for you Aries in the coming weeks. If you haven't already found a constructive channel for your rebellious mojo, start searching now.

    Taurus (April 20-May 20)

    "Both Picasso and T.S. Eliot are credited with saying, 'Good artists borrow, great artists steal,'" notes music critic Peter Gorman. "Credit it to Picasso and it comes across as bravado, a declaration that great art comes from those who appropriate whatever they damn well please. Credit the quote to Eliot and it seems more like word play; to borrow is to imitate and give back, to steal is to make it one's own." Study these tricky assertions about the creative process, Taurus. They should incite provocative meditations as you negotiate a turning point in your relationship with your own fertility.

    Gemini (May 21-June 20)

    Trains in China are divided into two different sections: soft seats and hard seats. "The soft seats are usually where you find the richer, stiffer, better-educated people," reports Charlotte Temple in DoubleTake magazine. "In the hard-seat section, it's like a little village. Everyone is eating watermelon seeds, playing games, leaning out windows to buy from the dumpling sellers." I bring this up, Gemini, because it's an apt metaphor for the choice you now face. As you travel on to the next phase of your life, the soft seats would provide the greatest comfort, but the most interesting and educational events would unfold in the hard seats.

    Cancer (June 21-July 22)

    You've heard of passive smoking, which occurs when the burning cigarette wastes of smokers snake into the lungs of innocent bystanders. Now scientists at the Beauty and Truth Lab have identified a phenomenon they call second-hand depression, wherein victims inadvertently absorb the misery and cynicism of people who are spewing out negative emotions. You Cancerians must be especially careful to protect yourself against that contamination in the coming week. You can't afford to be poisoned by the lazy blather of out-of-control naysayers. Why? Because you have an astrological mandate to nurture optimistic perceptions and articulate loving strategies that uplift everyone whose life you touch.

    Leo (July 23-August 22)

    On an episode of the TV science fiction show "Stargate SG-1," friendly aliens called the Asgards come to Earth seeking help from the top-secret government agency with whom they've had a working relationship. It seems the super-intelligent, highly evolved Asgards have reached a dead end in their ability to fend off their mortal enemy, the Replicators. They hope their dumb allies, the humans, will be able to find some elementary solution that they themselves are too smart and complicated to think of. The idea works. One of Earth's top physicists, a simpleton by Asgard standards, dreams up a crude but effective plan. Let this be a teaching tale for you in the coming week, Leo. Trust innocent, uncluttered, amateur solutions.

    Virgo (August 23-September 22)

    The largest meeting of world religious leaders in history was virtually unreported by the media. The top-secret event transpired in 2002, when leading representatives from every major faith gathered in Italy. They issued a "Decalogue for Peace," which denounced violence committed in the name of God and religion. It also declared, "We commit ourselves to those who suffer poverty and abandonment and who have no voice." The media deemed many other stories more important than this unprecedented breakthrough, like Mike Tyson getting his boxing license, John Walker Lindh making a court appearance, and the Enron hearings beginning. I bring this up, Virgo, because a comparable marvel is unfolding in your own life, and you haven't noticed it yet.

    Libra (September 23-October 22)

    "You're only given a little spark of madness," says Robin Williams. "You mustn't lose it." His advice is especially apt for you now. To aid your efforts, here are tips on how to keep a healthy level of insanity, by librarian Bonnie Wolf. 1. When people ask you to do something, ask if they want fries with that. 2. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim. 3. As often as possible, skip rather than walk. 4. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy." 5. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer. 6. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice. 7. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down. 8. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors." 9. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I won! I won! Third time this week!" 10. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in." 11. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day. 12. Dont use any punctuation marks 13. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go." 14. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!" 15. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go." 16. Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

    Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

    A few years ago the astronomy magazine "Sky & Telescope" held a contest to replace the name "Big Bang," which many scientists regarded as too frivolous. This week I propose that you Scorpios carry out a comparable project: Find a new name for the Divine Intelligence. The terms "God" and even "Goddess" have been so abused and overused that we've all become numb to them. And given the spiritual opportunities that will be opening up for you in the coming weeks, you can't afford to have an impaired sensitivity towards the Great Mystery. Here are a few ideas to whet your imagination: Blooming HaHa, Whirl-Zap-Gush, Sublime Cackler, Primal Jokester, Cosmic Wow, Eternal Crucible.

    Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

    For almost 60 years, Simon Wiesenthal tracked down Nazis responsible for the Holocaust. His most famous catch was Adolf Eichman, but he also brought more than a thousand other war criminals to justice. He recently retired. "My work is done," the tireless 94-year-old crusader said. "I found the mass murderers I was looking for. I survived all of them." I hereby appoint Wiesenthal to be your role model, Sagittarius. The astrological omens suggest that the coming months will be a perfect time for you to home in on a passionate, righteous commitment that will fuel you for years.

    Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

    The ozone hole is shrinking and will recover. Current human life expectancy, already at age 84, is steadily increasing. Since 1993, the violent crime rate in the U.S. has decreased by 50 percent. The number of America's black elected officials has sextupled since 1970. The planet is steadily becoming more free: 89 democratic countries control 89 percent of the world's GDP (Gross Domestic Product). Birthrates for teenagers are at the lowest levels in over 60 years. Charitable giving by individuals has increased 180 percent between 1960. Worldwide, the percentage of children enrolled in secondary education has more than doubled since 1970. In other words, Capricorn, life on earth is much better than everyone assumes. Inspired by my shocking evidence, compose a similar list of everything that's going really well for you.

    Aquarius (January 20- February 18)

    In the coming week, Aquarius, you're in danger of seeing with your imagination rather than with your eyes; you'll be tempted to trust the power of your beliefs more than the evidence of your five senses. It is possible to avert that fate, however. To assist you, I'm happy to provide this curmudgeonly prod from journalist H.L. Mencken: "An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup."

    Pisces (February 19-March 20)

    You have done without it long enough, Pisces. This state of deprivation can't go on. Up till now there's been a certain value in you not having the stuff you've been aching for, but as of now its continued absence would begin to have a soul-shriveling effect. Therefore, on behalf of cosmic forces, I hereby authorize you to take all necessary steps, as long as they're ethical, to get the goodies. You may even resort to the desperate pleading that kids use on their parents to get a beloved treat at the grocery store, including: "I promise to be good," "I'll never ask for anything again," and "I NEED IT!!!!"
  2. Dirty_habiT

    Dirty_habiT Administrator

    Joined: Mar 8, 2001 Messages: 18,136 Likes Received: 82
  3. yoink

    yoink Elite Member

    Joined: May 27, 2002 Messages: 3,428 Likes Received: 0
    whamma-bamma dingdong.
  4. crave

    crave Veteran Member

    Joined: Jan 20, 2002 Messages: 6,728 Likes Received: 10
    ok, so now i have to try and harness my spark of madness.... hmmm, it's gonna be a funny week.
  5. Pilau Hands

    Pilau Hands Guest



    right on. im going shopping
  6. im not witty

    im not witty Guest

    normally these are pretty cool, but stargate references? zoinks.
  7. Ski Mask

    Ski Mask 12oz Loyalist

    Joined: Apr 11, 2000 Messages: 11,114 Likes Received: 209
    I'm a libra, and I gotta say thats the best rob I've had yet.
  8. beardo

    beardo Guest

    no way dude, its the worst! its like straight out of a chain email. wack
  9. --zeSto--

    --zeSto-- Veteran Member

    Joined: Jul 12, 2000 Messages: 6,979 Likes Received: 2
    mmmm.... rose soup!

    ^ I wonder If that will work?


    Aries: (March 21—April 19)
    You'll garner praise you don't deserve when you carefully manipulate the facts concerning your late phone bill to make yourself look like a hero.

    Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
    Your recent decision to adopt the warrior code of bushido to guide you through life will lead to a tragic confrontation with your inept pet groomer.

    Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
    You insist that there is nothing wrong with the American educational system, but the person who reads this to you isn't quite so confident.

    Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
    That old joke about the blind woman who answered the hot iron won't seem so funny when you're hospitalized after talking on one for 45 minutes.

    Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
    Trial by jury is fine, but not when all 12 jurors insist on chanting "Guilty!" throughout your entire testimony.

    Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
    You should have seen it coming when, out in the West Texas town of El Paso, you fell in love with a Mexican girl.

    Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
    You're living proof that a sordid and unhealthy sexual relationship doesn't have to involve other people.

    Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
    Before you can truly grasp the principle behind of the zero-sum game, you will have lost all your money playing Texas Hold 'Em.

    Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
    Letting tomorrow take care of itself isn't really a bad philosophy, if you're pretty sure there are more than eight tomorrows left.

    Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
    Your life story will be called "a Lord Of The Flies for the fat and lonely" by a local newscaster who has obviously never read The Yellow Wallpaper.

    Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
    Things aren't so rosy at the moment, but take heart: Someday, you'll be able to look back and laugh at all those nurses you had to kill.

    Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
    Filing off the numbers and reselling the hot goods would be a workable plan, if you didn't deal in stolen credit cards.
  10. --zeSto--

    --zeSto-- Veteran Member

    Joined: Jul 12, 2000 Messages: 6,979 Likes Received: 2
    ^ you libras like that one?

  11. beardo

    beardo Guest

    its a whole lot truer :eek:
  12. »§ÜGÅR«

    »§ÜGÅR« Senior Member

    Joined: Aug 16, 2003 Messages: 1,519 Likes Received: 0
    not really....:chicken: i think rob was on point today with the libra scope..i think i'll try out some of his suggestions this weekend.:idea:
  13. WebsterUno

    WebsterUno Guest

    Im going to stir someons coffee with my finger.

  14. Pilau Hands

    Pilau Hands Guest

    i just read that. Man beard, if you can't appreciate a tired old email tirade about some random topic, then all is lost.

    4. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."

    Hahahahahahahaha. that tickled me.
  15. Damn beards....i think you wrote that instead of rob just to fuck my head up after our convo....polygamy?...I NEEEED IIIT!!!!!