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patrickjilbert

favorite SNL skit?

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idea thanks to seeking. i love the bob dole real world one...

 

http://snltranscripts.jt.org/pics/95orealworld1.jpg'>

 

[ cut to the housemates sitting around in a rap session ]

Chris: ..and I guess his motorcycle ran head into a gasoline truck..

[ everyone gasps ]

Annabel: When did this happen?

Chris: Yesterday. He's in a coma.

[ Bob Dole, oblivious to the conversation, walks in angry, holding an empty peanut butter jar ]

Bob Dole: Who the hell ate my peanut butter?! Peanut butter!

Chris: I guess I did. Why?

Bob Dole: Yeah, well, now it's gone! Next time, ask! Nobody eats Bob Dole's peanut butter without asking!

Chris: Whatever..

[ cut to Annabel summarizing the scene ]

Annabel: Bob needed to work on his "people skills"..

[ cut back to the scene ]

Bob Dole: You wanna chip in, that's a different story. Otherwise, keep your grubby hands out of Bob Dole's peanut butter! [ throws the empty jar across the floor ]

[ cut to Annabel summarizing the scene ]

Annabel: So I called a house meeting..

[ cut to Bob Dole giving his version of the scene ]

Bob Dole: Bob Dole likes peanut butter. Bob Dole's never made a secret of that.

[ cut to the meeting called by Annabel ]

Annabel: Okay. Look, the reason I called this meeting, alright, is because I think there's some issues that we need to face.

[ Bob Dole stands over Terry, who's sitting in a chair reading a book ]

Bob Dole: Get out of my chair!

Terry: Oh, relax, Senator.

Bob Dole: That's Bob Dole's chair, and everybody knows it! [ shoves Terry out of the chair ]

Chloe: Bob!

[ cut to summarizations of the scene from Terry, Hoagie, Bob Dole, and Annabel ]

Terry: Bob flipped out over me being in his chair.. "his chair."

Hoagie: You wanna bug like that over a chair - do your bug thing.

Bob Dole: [ silently shifts his eyes back and forth ]

Annabel: I called another house meeting.

[ cut to the new meeting called by Annabel ]

Annabel: Okay. We're here to talk about the incident with his chair.

Kristen: It's not even his chair.

Annabel: Bob, you have to understand you can't always sit in your favorite chair.

[ show Bob trying to comfortable on a red bean bag ]

[ cut to Chloe talking about a separate incident ]

Chloe: I bought.. um.. a coat at a thrift store last week. It was my "special coat." And, um.. I came in, and Bob's dog had, um.. gone to the bathroom all over my coat..

[ show scene of Chloe discovering Bob's dog peeing on her coat ]

Chloe: Who the f--k brought a dog here?!

[ cut back to Chloe's summary ]

Chloe: And I said, "Bob, you know, you're a nice guy.." [ show scene of Chloe bitching out Bob ]

Chloe: Well, you know what, Bob?! You should f--kin' ask before you bring a f--kin' dog home!

[ cut back to Chloe's summary ]

Chloe: "I feel close to you", I said, "but you have to be responsible. It's not responsible to bring a dog into the house. You can't let this happen." [ show Bob lying on the floor, his dog licking his face playfully ]

 

[ Segment #2 opens on Hoagie and Kristen arguing in the living room ]

Hoagie: Yes, it matters when! Because they're my CDs, and I get to listen to 'em!

Kristen: Listen to you.. quit..

Hoagie: I dn't wanna..!

[ Bob Dole walks past, tires of the argument, and kicks the back of Hoagie's knee, sending him crashing to the ground ]

Kristen: Oh, my God!

[ cut to Chris explaining the living situation so far ]

Chris: Bob said, "No, I can't get in touch with other people." He said he had a fear of intimacy.. and I was just like, "Wow. And you're going to be President?"

[ cut to Bob Dole in the bathroom, practicing speeches in front of the mirror ]

Bob Dole: "I'm President Bob Dole, I'm President of the United States, nice to meet you, Ambassador! [ laughs ] This must be your lovely wife? Assistant? Sorry. Oh, your wife passed on? Oh, I.. I.. uh.. no way I could have known. Rest assured, you have the condolences of the President of the United States, I'm President of the United States, I'm President Bob Dole, I'm President and I live in the White House!"

Hoagie: [ walks in, amazed at the sight before him ] You are pathetic, man..

[ cut to close-up of phone ringing ]

[ show Bob feeding the fish in the tank, as Kristen enters ]

Kristen: Hi, Bob.

Bob Dole: Hello, there.

Kristen: Oh.. Bob, some election guy called for you.

Bob Dole: Who was it?

Kristen: I forgot..

Bob Dole: What do you mean "you forgot"?! What did he say!

Kristen: I don't know.. something about exit polls, and the state being wrong, or something like that..

[ cut to Terry summarizing the scene ]

Terry: We're not being paid to be his secretary, and I'm not his secretary, and I wouldn't be his secretary..

[ return to scene ]

Bob Dole: What state?! Good God, woman, did you get a name!

Kristen: No. I'm sure if it's important, he'll call back.

[ cut to Kristen summarizing the scene ]

Kristen: I think it's safe to say that Bob and I have no communication, where communication is concerned.

[ show Terry and Chris talking in the bedroom in the middle of the night ]

Chris: And then what happened?

Terry: I go up in the bedroom, and there's my boyfriend Joey having, like, hot sex with this other guy..

Chris: Oh, man, that's rough. What did you say?

Terry: I called him "Chicken Hawk", every name in the book.. I called him "Mochachino Boy Slut", and I dumped, like, this KY jelly all over them. But we winded up having this amazing three-way, it was, like, my first..

Chris: Oh, my God.. congratulations.

Terry: Thank you, thank you.

Chris: Are you gonna see him again?

[ camera pans slowly up to see Bob Dole lying at the top of a bunk bed, eyes open wide, petrified at the contnet of the conversation that was woken him out of bed. ]

 

[ Segment #3 opens with Bob Dole waking up to the sound of Hoagie watching the "Today Show" ]

Bob Dole: What the hell are you doing! It's your turn to wake up people! I'm late for the "Today Show"!

[ cut to Chloe explaining the current living situation ]

Chloe: Bob told me that he used to be very afriad to get close to people, and that Elizabeth was the very first person he had ever.. gotten naked with.. and.. he said, "Chloe, it was so scary". And I said, "I know." And he said Elizabeth just held him, and he said he used to have to have little glasses of wine because he'd get so nervous getting naked with a woman.. or getting naked.. or thoughts of getting naked with a woman..

[ show Bob entering the bathroom while Annabel is in the shower. He smiles when he sees her naked silhoette, but runs away when she spots his voyeurism. ]

[ cut to Annabel's final meeting to discuss Bob's behaviro ]

Annabel: So, he's just standing there, staring at me in the shower.. and he's got this really creepy look on his face..

Chris: Yeah, his face always looks creepy.

Terry: What about his freak-out over the chair?

Hoagie: Let's do it. Let's kick him out of the house.

Chloe: Yeah! Let's do it!

[ camera shows Bob spying on the meeting from behind a curtain. As REM's "Everybody Hurts" plays, Bob turns his face to the side to reveal a lone tear fall from his eye. ]

[ cut to Chris summarizing the scene ]

Chris: I don't know.. he just got angry, you know.. Again, it's, like, "Mine, mine, mine", you know? And it's not even.. you know, none of the furniture is ours, it's all M-TV's, you know? So, I don't even know what that was all about..

[ show Bob Dole walking down the street with a suitcase, and dragging his favorite chair behind him ]

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Guest beardo

i gotta go with some fresh prince spoof they did way back. dude walks in the room yelling WHATS UP MOTHAFUCKAS!!?? WHERE THE PUSSY AT!!?? it was a classic from that point on.

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id have to say my favorite skit is in the newer ones... the one with jimmy fallon and the host working in that arrogant fashion store... everytime will farrel comes out in that wheelchair it cracks me the fuck up....

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Guest WebsterUno

*believe*

 

Mr. Robinsons Neighborhood

 

I also liked it when he played a white man.

They str8 gave him a newspaper…LOL

 

"Go ahead, take it" *Eddie trying to buy a newspaper*

 

 

"What a silly negroe, huh huh huh huh huuuuuh…"

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Originally posted by beardo

i gotta go with some fresh prince spoof they did way back. dude walks in the room yelling WHATS UP MOTHAFUCKAS!!?? WHERE THE PUSSY AT!!?? it was a classic from that point on.

 

 

"G dawg & The Princess"

 

"SAY WHA'S HAPPENIN? WHERE YALL MUTHA F***A'S AT?"

 

"G-Dawg your pitbull is scaring me" "Bitch I swear if you touch that dog I'll cut your f***ing head off."

 

"G-Dawg that was my ice cream" "Well Come & get bitch!" [plops it onto his lap suggesting it's a penis]

 

It's a classic.

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Re: *believe*

 

I also liked it when he played a white man.

They str8 gave him a newspaper…LOL

 

"Go ahead, take it" *Eddie trying to buy a newspaper*

 

 

[/b]

 

just what i was thinking when i came in here. not sure if its my favorite but is is one that has always stuck in my mind

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hmm...i s'pose there are a few really good ones, i like the bob dole ones, but also the "normal" real world ones that were on there too. ummm...what else...the motivational speakers good. jeapordy is classic. theres a really funny one when john goodman is in night school for an adult literacy program with tim meadows teaching. dog show is rad. the erotic cakes one is pretty funny. um...also, the one where chris farley plays "el nino". ill think of more later...

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Guest Obsessed

canteen boy is funny shit but my fav would have to be the gyro shop... "so you lika de juice...yes de juice is good no?"

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TWO WORDS HARRY CARREY!!!!!!!!!!

 

WHATS YOUR FAVORITE PLANET MINES THE SUN IF THAT BURNS OUT WERE ALL GONNA DIE

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Guest ctrl+alt+del
Originally posted by slave trader

id have to say my favorite skit is in the newer ones... the one with jimmy fallon and the host working in that arrogant fashion store... everytime will farrel comes out in that wheelchair it cracks me the fuck up....

 

hahaha ive seen that shit, ...'my prada jetpack!"

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