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When

bikers, beer and blood

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yea well last night i got pretty good and drunk with my friend and we

decided to go longboarding to the liquor store to get some smokes

(we were both way too gone to drive)

 

well on the way there i am fiending for a smoke so bad, i decide

to stop at this local biker bar to try to bum a smoke off of someone

my friend had taken off ahead of me at this point because he doesnt like the place

 

i remember pretty much nothing after asking this one biker for a smoke

except for him swinging at me, and me swinging back

i think i won, then i proceeded to walk away

(i say i think i won because if you dont, you dont walk away that bar)

because my friend saw me walking down the street and passing the fuck out, i woke up a few minutes later with my friend looking at me funny

he said i was snoring, and im not sure if i passed out from the beer

or because i got my chin split by that fucking biker

 

i still havent gone for stitches in my chin and its been about 24 hours

so i dont even think they can stitch anymore

meh, here are some pictures for your enjoyment...

 

my portion of the drinking

(i hate budlight but i didnt have enough for two 12s of newcastle)

http://www.fatcap.co.uk/host/files/beer.JPG'>

 

the aftermath

(not my blood)

http://www.fatcap.co.uk/host/files/fisttwo.JPG'>

 

damn bikers

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Originally posted by ARCEL

but your probably going to get a disease

 

hope not, after i took the picture i dumped rubbing alcohol all over my hands

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Originally posted by effyoo

you totally look like my brother

 

how so? and maybe i am.

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It is near the end of the school year, and the teacher has already turned in her grades. There is really not much to do. All the kids are restless because they are ready for the summer break.

 

The teacher says, "The first person to correctly answer each of my questions may leave early."

 

Little Johnny thinks, "Good. I wanna get outta here. I'm smart. I'll answer first."

 

The teacher asks, "Who said, 'Four score and seven years ago?'"

 

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

 

The teacher says, "That's right, Susie. You may leave."

 

Johnny is mad that Susie answered first.

 

The teacher asks, "Who said, 'I have a dream?'"

 

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary answers, "Martin Luther King."

 

The teacher says, "That's right, Mary. You may leave."

 

Johnny is even madder that Mary answered first.

 

The teacher asks, "Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you?'"

 

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John Kennedy."

 

The teacher says, "That's right, Nancy. You may leave."

 

Johnny is boiling mad that Nancy answered first.

 

Then the teacher turns her back, and Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

 

The teacher says, "WHO SAID THAT?"

 

Johnny answers, "Bill Clinton. May I go now?"

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Originally posted by When

how so? and maybe i am.

 

If you live in cali and build cars....

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Originally posted by effyoo

If you live in cali and build cars....

 

youre a funny guy

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For all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you. It's a classic! In tribute to those 'special' customers we all love!

 

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

 

A crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

 

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."

 

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, F*** you!"

 

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

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Originally posted by When

youre a funny guy

 

No, really though, you bear more than a passing resembelance to my bro.

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There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.

 

Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. "He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that."

 

She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.

 

Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."

 

With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.

 

The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said.

 

She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."

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Originally posted by effyoo

No, really though, you bear more than a passing resembelance to my bro.

 

did your mom ever live in california and get knocked up while working in a hotel?

my mom did, then she gave me away

so theres always a chance

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A lady approaches her priest and says, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

 

"What do they say?" the priest inquires.

 

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"

 

"That's terrible," the priest exclaims, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

 

"Thank you!" the woman responds.

 

The next day, the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

 

One male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

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Originally posted by effyoo

haha! Brother! Long time no see!

 

 

*our mom was a slut!

 

for some reason i really wouldnt doubt that you are my brother

its a crazy world

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One Sunday morning, William burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan."

 

After dinner, William's dad took him aside. "Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married for thirty years. She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

 

William was heartbroken. After 8 months, he eventually started dating girls again. A year later, he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June."

 

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half-sister too, William. I'm awfully sorry about this."

 

William was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news.

 

"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister."

 

His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father."

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Originally posted by When

for some reason i really wouldnt doubt that you are my brother

its a crazy world

 

don't be trippin' on me,

long lost family is not something to mess with...

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Originally posted by effyoo

don't be trippin' on me,

long lost family is not something to mess with...

 

i aint trippin bro

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Guest krie

yo whener

wats up ?

got that aim workn ?

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HEY! KRIE! Dont fuck with my long lost Brother! Step wrong and I'll drop you like a red handed thief!joke, mon! *

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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous that he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

 

The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

 

The next Sunday, he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon when he got nervous, he took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

 

1. Sip the vodka; don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey; he did not "bet his ass."

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior, and the spook.

8. David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit outta him.

9. When David was hit by a stone and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We don't refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper, he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the cherry."

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."

14. There will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

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