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steven wright appreciation thread

Discussion in 'Channel Zero' started by beardo, Jun 18, 2003.

  1. beardo

    beardo Guest

    pure genius

    1) I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

    2) Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

    3) Half the people you know are below average.

    4) 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

    5) 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

    6) A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

    7) A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

    8) If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

    9) All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

    10) The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

    11) I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

    12) OK, so what's the speed of dark?

    13) How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

    14) If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

    15) Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

    16) When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

    17) Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

    18) Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

    19) I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

    20) If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

    21) Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

    22) What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

    23) My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

    24) Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

    25) If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

    26) A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

    27) Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

    2 The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

    29) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

    30) The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

    31) The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

    32) The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

    33) Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
  2. EveryWhere

    EveryWhere Senior Member

    Joined: Dec 4, 2002 Messages: 1,128 Likes Received: 0
    Those are reealy clever
  3. I heard he was the guy who invented the "FWD" button on e-mail apps.
  4. beardo

    beardo Guest

    1) I put instant coffee in the microwave. It went back in time.

    2) I've got a microwave fireplace. I can have an evening by the fire in
    eight minutes.

    3) I've got a crush on my dental hygenist. Every time I go into the
    office, I eat an entire box of oreos in the waiting room.

    4) You know that feeling when you're leaning back in your chair, and you
    lean too far and you're teetering right on the brink of falling? I feel
    like that all the time.

    4) I went in for a job interview, and the guy said "why do you want this
    job" and I said "if you were traveling in a car at the speed of light, and
    you turned your headlights on, would anything happen?" and he said "I don't
    really know" and I said "I don't want this job"
  5. -Rage-

    -Rage- 12oz Loyalist

    Joined: Apr 12, 2001 Messages: 11,275 Likes Received: 70

    I've seen him twice live. Sooooo hilarious.
  6. beardo

    beardo Guest

  7. MrChupacabra

    MrChupacabra 12oz Loyalist

    Joined: Oct 10, 2001 Messages: 10,940 Likes Received: 681
  8. johnny

    johnny Dirty Dozen Crew

    Joined: Feb 15, 2003 Messages: 7,231 Likes Received: 16
    soooooooooooooooooo bump.
  9. mogilny

    mogilny Senior Member

    Joined: Apr 22, 2003 Messages: 1,582 Likes Received: 0
  10. Don't Panic

    Don't Panic Member

    Joined: Jun 2, 2003 Messages: 647 Likes Received: 0
    Funny stuff, I was going to quote my favorite....then realised I couldn't choose one.

    Is realized spelt with a "z" or an "s"? Niether looks right to me now that I second guessed myself.
  11. $360

    $360 Elite Member

    Joined: Oct 2, 2002 Messages: 2,600 Likes Received: 1
    this has happened more than once...
  12. effyoo

    effyoo Elite Member

    Joined: Sep 2, 2002 Messages: 4,703 Likes Received: 0
    Bump for his hair.
  13. Pinup

    Pinup Senior Member

    Joined: Mar 13, 2003 Messages: 2,208 Likes Received: 0
  14. jbrshmonster

    jbrshmonster Elite Member

    Joined: Jul 11, 2002 Messages: 3,902 Likes Received: 294
    i've started painting recently.. abstract painting....
    really abstract.... no brush no canvas
  15. NOUM

    NOUM Elite Member

    Joined: Mar 17, 2003 Messages: 3,966 Likes Received: 0
    this thread gets a big bump from me:D