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Guest beardo

steven wright appreciation thread

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Guest beardo

pure genius

 

 

1) I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

 

2) Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

 

3) Half the people you know are below average.

 

4) 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

 

5) 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

 

6) A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

 

7) A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

 

8) If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

 

9) All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

 

10) The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

 

11) I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

 

12) OK, so what's the speed of dark?

 

13) How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

 

14) If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

 

15) Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

 

16) When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

 

17) Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

 

18) Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

 

19) I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

 

20) If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

 

21) Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

 

22) What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

 

23) My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

 

24) Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

 

25) If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

 

26) A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

 

27) Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

 

2 The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

 

29) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

 

30) The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

 

31) The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

 

32) The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

 

33) Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

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Guest imported_El Mamerro

I heard he was the guy who invented the "FWD" button on e-mail apps.

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Guest beardo

1) I put instant coffee in the microwave. It went back in time.

 

2) I've got a microwave fireplace. I can have an evening by the fire in

eight minutes.

 

3) I've got a crush on my dental hygenist. Every time I go into the

office, I eat an entire box of oreos in the waiting room.

 

4) You know that feeling when you're leaning back in your chair, and you

lean too far and you're teetering right on the brink of falling? I feel

like that all the time.

 

4) I went in for a job interview, and the guy said "why do you want this

job" and I said "if you were traveling in a car at the speed of light, and

you turned your headlights on, would anything happen?" and he said "I don't

really know" and I said "I don't want this job"

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Funny stuff, I was going to quote my favorite....then realised I couldn't choose one.

 

Is realized spelt with a "z" or an "s"? Niether looks right to me now that I second guessed myself.

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Originally posted by beardo

23) My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

uuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.............

this has happened more than once...

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