HAL Posted April 19, 2006 Author Share Posted April 19, 2006 Dear Dr. Hal, I've been having dirty thoughts about you lately and whats worse is im a 300 lb male and i love the cock. help. p.s. i want to feel myself in you. Hey man, I'm cool with you loving dix. Unfortunately for you, I'm not real crazy about cock, so I can't help you out. When I have a fascination with someone, namely the Cingular Girl (Angela Sarafyan), I'll look up porn chicks that look like her and jerk off furiously. 80% of the time, it works every time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HAL Posted April 19, 2006 Author Share Posted April 19, 2006 Dear Dr. HAL, Is it safe to buy prescription drugs from Canadian pharmacies on the web? It is not for recreational purposes. Plus, I have no health insurance in the good ol' USA. Well, I'd advise against purchasing drugs on the web, as a general rule. It's like buying weed from a dealer you don't know. It could have anything in it. It could be a sugar pill. I don't have insurance either. That's what welfare and state assistance is for. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gunm Posted April 19, 2006 Share Posted April 19, 2006 Dr. Hal...... lemme ask again.... is it cool to try and slep with a girl your buddy dated ten years ago but now he could care less about her and thinks she is nuts? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HAL Posted April 19, 2006 Author Share Posted April 19, 2006 Dr. Hal' date=' can you give us a WHOOOOOOODIE WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO YOUNG HUSTLAZ?[/quote'] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HAL Posted April 19, 2006 Author Share Posted April 19, 2006 Dr. Hal...... lemme ask again.... is it cool to try and slep with a girl your buddy dated ten years ago but now he could care less about her and thinks she is nuts? Hit that shit, man. Do it for the children. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HAL Posted April 19, 2006 Author Share Posted April 19, 2006 hey Dorctor Hal.... I'm starting to realise I have serious jealousy issuesinvolving women. Is it all mind over matter? Sorry I missed this one, duder! I'm kind of a jealous guy, myself. It's only when I'm trying to get the girl, really, not when I already have her. If she's talking to some guy, and we're dating, I'll figure that she's with me, so I can trust her until she gives me reason otherwise. If we're not officially dating yet, and she's having a good time talking to some dude, then I'll get jealous. Just remember, a bird in the hand equals two in the bush on a slippery slope, as long as you keep all your eggs in one basket. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RumPuncher Posted April 19, 2006 Share Posted April 19, 2006 thanks for the mixed metaphor. it cleared everything up. as for the jealousy thing, you summed it up perfectly. I now know this girl is into me, and I know the other guy who was into her, and now we've got it out there, so I'm not worried at all. besides... guy's a mod. Nice guy.... but a mod. who the fuck is a mod these days? (I mean 'mod' in the brit-pop-hipster sence) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
26SidedCube Posted April 19, 2006 Share Posted April 19, 2006 My best guess is that you're either a sucker for punishment' date=' or have a thing for emo chicks.[/quote'] she's definitely not emo. just italian. which brings me to my next question: why are italian girls always developing some sort of mood disorder by the time they're 19? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RumPuncher Posted April 19, 2006 Share Posted April 19, 2006 why are italian girls always developing some sort of mood disorder by the time they're 19? wait.....let me edit something there for you... why are girls always developing some sort of mood disorder by the time they're 19? that's better Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gunm Posted April 19, 2006 Share Posted April 19, 2006 Dr. Hal, So why do great girls date assholes? I have a crush on my friend and she dates this airhead extreme sports mo' fo' who A) doesn't party B)Hates hip hop (she LOVES my music collection btw) C) Is clueless e.g. she got back from oregon last night and he cuts out on her to go extreme kiteboarding and I was the one who took her out to dinner to welcome her back. D) Talking to this duder is like carrying on a conversation with a blackboard eraser. So why do intelligent, cute, funny girls date idiots??!?!?!?! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
26SidedCube Posted April 19, 2006 Share Posted April 19, 2006 ^because if they're smart they date like a guy and they want to be with someone they can have the upperhand on. the trick is to play dumb for a month and then spring it on them all at once when you get into an arguement. then you scream on them and make them feel like shit and they're yours forever. i'm sure hal will give you a more entertaining response than that, though. and rumpunch- thanks mang. i knew i fouled up somewhere. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HAL Posted April 19, 2006 Author Share Posted April 19, 2006 thanks for the mixed metaphor. it cleared everything up. as for the jealousy thing, you summed it up perfectly. I now know this girl is into me, and I know the other guy who was into her, and now we've got it out there, so I'm not worried at all. besides... guy's a mod. Nice guy.... but a mod. who the fuck is a mod these days? (I mean 'mod' in the brit-pop-hipster sence) Hipsters are mods, and they're all gaaaaaaay as the day is long. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HAL Posted April 19, 2006 Author Share Posted April 19, 2006 she's definitely not emo. just italian. which brings me to my next question: why are italian girls always developing some sort of mood disorder by the time they're 19? Because italians are crazy. I think it's genetic, or maybe because the ancient Romans drank out of lead goblets. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HAL Posted April 19, 2006 Author Share Posted April 19, 2006 Dr. Hal, So why do great girls date assholes? I have a crush on my friend and she dates this airhead extreme sports mo' fo' who A) doesn't party B)Hates hip hop (she LOVES my music collection btw) C) Is clueless e.g. she got back from oregon last night and he cuts out on her to go extreme kiteboarding and I was the one who took her out to dinner to welcome her back. D) Talking to this duder is like carrying on a conversation with a blackboard eraser. So why do intelligent, cute, funny girls date idiots??!?!?!?! Well, to continue the list format, here are my answers. A) she doesn't party either, or her idea of a party is what's inside Captain X's pants. I have a feeling that counts for more than personality with at least some girls. He must be packing heat in the trunks. B) I don't like hip hop either. I can dig this dudes lack of enthusiasm about listening to egomaniacal idiots go on and on about themselves. However, she might just be stupid and not care all that much abut music. C) You, my friend, have forever doomed yourself to the "just friends" category. Because this guy is hooked on doing the shupidest shit possible, and you were "thoughtful" and "sensitive" enough to buy her food, you've relegated yourself to the position of "shoulder to cry on", not "dix to ride on". This guy, possibly unwittingly, made the ultimate power move. She gets back from vacation, and he shows her that he really doesn't need her around to have a good time, which in turn will make her work harder for his affection. You, on the other hand, live in a movielife world where the girl realizes that the sensitive, kind fellow she never really noticed is really the one for her, and they bang out in the end. It never, I repeat, never works out that way. Girls desperately want, no.....need, to be abused. You may help yourself out of your pitiful "shoulder to cry on" situation by letting her know you'd like to cockslap her right in the tit, and grind your penis-head deep into her eye socket, lubricate it with her tears, then thrust painfully into her pert, waiting anus. D) I'm guessing it's not conversation she's interested in. This is where you're going wrong with her. If she wants to talk to someone, she'll call a friend. If she wants to jam on dix, she calls Captain Kiteboard. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tyler Durden Posted April 19, 2006 Share Posted April 19, 2006 Girls desperately want' date=' no.....[i']need[/i], to be abused. I think this is quite possibly the smartest, most true thing ever stated in the history of anything and everything. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gat Bush Posted April 19, 2006 Share Posted April 19, 2006 should i fart now or poo my pants later? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skilla54 Posted April 19, 2006 Share Posted April 19, 2006 poo pants now Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest R@ndomH3ro Posted April 19, 2006 Share Posted April 19, 2006 Will listening to Black Metal while mean mugging kids give me a one way ticket to hell? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BIG HECZ Posted April 19, 2006 Share Posted April 19, 2006 I think this is quite possibly the smartest' date=' most true thing ever stated in the history of anything and everything.[/quote'] treat them mean keep them KEEN! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gunm Posted April 19, 2006 Share Posted April 19, 2006 ^^^ alien 3 special edition "treat a queen like a whore and a whore like a queen" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gunm Posted April 19, 2006 Share Posted April 19, 2006 Hal.... you offered the most damning advice ever.....however on point fuck Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest R@ndomH3ro Posted April 19, 2006 Share Posted April 19, 2006 Hey man, I'm cool with you loving dix. Unfortunately for you, I'm not real crazy about cock, so I can't help you out. When I have a fascination with someone, namely the Cingular Girl (Angela Sarafyan), I'll look up porn chicks that look like her and jerk off furiously. 80% of the time, it works every time. This girl? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RumPuncher Posted April 20, 2006 Share Posted April 20, 2006 Hey Dr. Hal..... this one is going to get medical, but you can probably handle it (being Dr Hal and all...) My craps have been crazy lately. Instead of coming out like one nice piece it's like a bunch of gravel falling out. It's not wet like diareheah, but it's all loose and crumbly. Should I east more salads? Less salads? more fibre? less beer? what's up man? Plus I've been gassy as hell too. Do flatbreads make people gassy, because I've been tearing though them lately. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HAL Posted April 20, 2006 Author Share Posted April 20, 2006 should i fart now or poo my pants later? Ahhhh, the feeling of Code Brown. Definitely poo your pants. There's nothing on earth quite like the feeling of taking a large, solid dump in your knickers, then sitting on a hard surface and smooshing it around, feeling it ooze out from your coin slot, then being surrounded by the soothing stench of your own excrement. Just be sure not to enjoy it too long, or the doo-doo will start to seep into your favorite jeans and ruin them forever. Make sure you're wearing two painrs of tighty-whiteys, never boxers. i always keep a few pairs around. You have to throw them out, but it's a small price to pay for such pleasure. I haven't tried diapers yet, but that might be great, as it would contain the mess beautifully. It also keeps fat girls away. And everyone else. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HAL Posted April 20, 2006 Author Share Posted April 20, 2006 This girl? FUCK YES. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HAL Posted April 20, 2006 Author Share Posted April 20, 2006 Hey Dr. Hal..... this one is going to get medical, but you can probably handle it (being Dr Hal and all...) My craps have been crazy lately. Instead of coming out like one nice piece it's like a bunch of gravel falling out. It's not wet like diareheah, but it's all loose and crumbly. Should I east more salads? Less salads? more fibre? less beer? what's up man? Plus I've been gassy as hell too. Do flatbreads make people gassy, because I've been tearing though them lately. I only have my doctorate in awesomely awesomeness, but I'll see what I can do. Consulting a physician would be the best course of action if you're worried. Healthcare is free in your country, you goddam asshole. Well it sounds like your diet sucks shit. Actually, it's probably a form of constipation, or an irritable bowel. Drinking more fluids would probably help, and cutting out bran (which may be in flatbread). Try eating less fatty foods, a higher fiber diet, and cut down on dairy products. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HAL Posted April 20, 2006 Author Share Posted April 20, 2006 Will listening to Black Metal while mean mugging kids give me a one way ticket to hell? Yes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FuzZy Posted April 20, 2006 Share Posted April 20, 2006 don't know if it has been asked 1.but when the hell are gas prices going to go back down to somewhat normal???? 2.I can deal w/ $2 a gallon.....will it ever happen??? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hayabusa Posted April 20, 2006 Share Posted April 20, 2006 how do i make my claf stop hurting like it has a cramp wtf gives also, how do i heal my partially torn LCL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HAL Posted April 20, 2006 Author Share Posted April 20, 2006 don't know if it has been asked 1.but when the hell are gas prices going to go back down to somewhat normal???? 2.I can deal w/ $2 a gallon.....will it ever happen??? I think we're shit out of luck. The days of $2 gallons are over, at least until something drastic happens. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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