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I am a Bad Ass

Discussion in 'Channel Zero' started by Poop Man Bob, Apr 12, 2002.

  1. Poop Man Bob

    Poop Man Bob Dirty Dozen Crew

    Joined: Nov 16, 2000 Messages: 10,259 Likes Received: 18
    http://graphics.theonion.com/universal_pics/herbert_kornfeld.gif'>
    By Herbert Kornfeld
    Accounts Receivable Supervisor



    YO, waaasssuuup, baby? H-Dog is back, and don't nobody fuck with this BAD ASS. You wanna fuck me, motherfucker? You gonna wish you didn't. 'Cause I the Accounts Receivable supervisor of Midstate Office Supply, and I AM a cold-blooded badass motherfucker, and if you fuck with me I'll go stone cold crazy on your ass.

    Like that motherfucker Steve Englebreiter of Associated Publishing House. Asshole thought he could postdate his goddamn check on a bill that was overdue for nearly a month and a half. I caught it right before we was ready to deposit it. Don't tell me it was no mistake; cocksucker knew what he was doing all along. Know what I did? Sent the goddamn thing right back along with a note saying we be passing his account along to a collection agency in two weeks if his bitch ass didn't pay up.

    Now, legally, we only supposed to notify our collection agency after 90 days, not a month and a half. But I didn't have to tell thefool that. Three days later cocksucker sends us a cashier's check via overnight mail for the full amount. Ain't nobody fucks with my badass self.

    Or take that ol' bitch Mildred Fladner who's always callin' up, bitchin' about her credit balance.

    "Those staplers only cost $36.50 for the half-dozen, not $38.50. Your cashier rung it up wrong."

    Then how come you didn't notice it then, y'ol ho? She high and everybody know it, but she make such a big deal about knowing the company president and everything she got everybody runnin' scared. Except this BAD ASS.

    So I go downstairs to the register she bought the staplers at, reset the date, duplicate the cashier number and purchase number, and ring the goddamn shit up at $39.50. Then I call her back sayin' I found the original detail tape and check it out, it looks like you owe us a dollar additional, plus extra sales tax, your own receipt must have come out poor. A week later I get a payment for the full amount, with her apologies. I pocket the extra buck and change, spend it on a lotto ticket, and win five bucks. It's payback time for that bitch.

    Now don't be messin' me up with the Accounts Payable Supervisor. The Accounts Payable Supervisor, he ain't no badass. Hell, he ain't even no man. His name is Myron or something, and he so old he can't even get it up no more. I gots a bitch in the cash room. Myron, everybody laugh at him. He supposed to be the one that got the money but everybody know I got it and it's not even my job.

    If I ever see you within even six feet of the coffee machine I'll Bruce Lee on your sorry ass. Mister Coffee, he my man. 'Cause only I know the perfect proportion: two and three eighths scoops of Folgers to three and one quarter cups of water. Ain't no use trying to do it yourself 'cause you'll just fuck it up; only I can do it right. 'Cause I got Kung Fu Grip. You got a problem with that? I got a problem with your existence, motherfucker. I was fucking your mother while you were still watching Fat Albert in yo' Underoos.

    I don't answer to nobody. One day I be blastin' the phat beats, and the company president come up to me and say, "Herbert, the Muzak is too loud, please turn down the receiver." I say, "I need my tunes when I be preparing account statements." Then he say, "I don't care, turn it down, it's distracting." So you know what I do? After he leaves for the day I steal a shitload of mints from his desk. He gets the message, and he don't give me no trouble no more. I be fucking his wife on the sly, anyhow.

    So don't fuck with this H-Dog Daddy Mack Mack Daddy Comin' Out Your Ass Badass, 'cause if you do I be comin' after you like pastrami on rye to whip your muthafukin' sorry ass. I mean it. Don't. Fuck. With. Me.
     
  2. im not witty

    im not witty Guest

    ill cut you with my letter opener of death!

    theonion is the source of all things hilarious
     
  3. --zeSto--

    --zeSto-- Guest

     
  4. railroadjerk

    railroadjerk Guest

    herb kornfeld fan for a long time...that was the first herb article ever in the onion...brings back memories!
     
  5. High Priest

    High Priest Elite Member

    Joined: Jan 1, 2002 Messages: 4,928 Likes Received: 3
    Ah, now I don't hardly know her
    But I think I could love her
    Crimson and clover

    Ah when she comes walking over
    Now I've been waitin' to show her
    Crimson and clover over and over

    Yeah, my, my such a sweet thing
    I wanna do everything
    What a beautiful feeling
    Crimson and clover over and over

    Crimson and clover over and over
    Crimson and clover over and over
    Crimson and clover over and over
    Crimson and clover over and over
     
  6. shameless self promotion

    shameless self promotion 12oz Legend

    Joined: Mar 7, 2001 Messages: 16,306 Likes Received: 104
    i am just another fool and i have to keep telling myself that i am just a hypocrite and i have to keep calling you one and i forgot to bite my tongue and my assumption is the mother of all mistakes so i assume the role, open my mouth and clumsy words escape so why you want to be there when you could be here you are slipping away i awake with your replacement a bottle in my grasp in an unfamiliar place because you put me out the butt of a sick joke into this ashtray life as you come and go 'cause i forgot to service you and we broke down and you can't live with my mistakes so i assume false grace open my arms and grasp at something true/// how are you how have you been girl i miss you wanna see you again ///i bring out the worst in you and you try to let me know you bring out the worst in me anxiety i'm trying to let you go you say i'm giving you the creeps so i assume the role open my claws and grasp for your heart///into you like a mortal stake so vindictive your love's slipping away violins violence the butt of your sick joke into ashtray life i'm trying hard to let you go.
     
  7. REZK one

    REZK one Junior Member

    Joined: Apr 23, 2002 Messages: 235 Likes Received: 0
    my friends think i'm a gangster so does that mean i am. i stole a stapler from school one time and i like to spell school like skool cause i'm kool.
     
  8. Kr430n5_666

    Kr430n5_666 Banned

    Joined: Oct 6, 2004 Messages: 19,229 Likes Received: 30
  9. blood as ink

    blood as ink Guest

    i remember that guy...the onion is the best.
     
  10. ASER1NE

    ASER1NE Veteran Member

    Joined: Oct 15, 2001 Messages: 7,578 Likes Received: 3
    oioioioioiokay
     
  11. oner

    oner Member

    Joined: Feb 8, 2002 Messages: 289 Likes Received: 0
    blizzey. ump.
     
  12. DETO

    DETO 12oz Loyalist

    Joined: Apr 25, 2002 Messages: 11,316 Likes Received: 138
    :lol: that was one of the best things i've seen on the site! :lol:
     
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