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According to sources close to CRMP news, Geraldo Rivera has reportedly had his colon and parts of his large intestine transplanted to the outside of his body in a shocking, radical reconstructive surgical procedure. According to sources, his healthy 6ft long colon has been transplanted such that it wraps around his head, not unlike a large turban. Portions of his large intestine reportedly extend from his anus, wrapping around his neck several times like a little scarf, and then up across his upper lip and finally extending to meet the coiled turban-like colon at his crown. Asked why he decided on such a radical reconstructive procedure, Rivera said, "Number 1, it looks good. Number 2, I can now poop on my own face." The procedure has been gaining in popularity over the previous several decades, but to date, Mr. Rivera is the first celebrity to receive the unusual body alteration. It remains unclear how Geraldo fans will react to the "new" Geraldo or whether his television career will be affected by the decision.

When asked whether he was concerned that the presence of a large 6 foot section of his colon atop his head would negatively impact his career or repulse viewers of his cable program, Mr. Rivera shot back with a confident, "Not at all."

 

-THE POOPER

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On this fair 25th day of September, I take a vow. A solemn oath to the

moon and sky; the earth and stars. I swear before almighty Garschk and Vishnu and Indra and Jesus and

Allah and Joe Smith and Krishna and L. Ron Hubbard and Siddartha, the ultimate physician. I take my vow

before Brahma the Creator and Shiva the Destroyer. Before all creation, with all my being, with every ounce

of energy I possess, with a single-pointed mind, with all my concentration, with my undying will, with an

unwavering sense of purpose, and with a full colon and an open anus, I swear that I shall POOP forcefully

all over your Mom's face. Never will she be able to expunge the mighty crump cacophony that I shall unleash

upon her benevolent face. To exfoliate the impending holy assmask shall be a distinct impossibility. Of that, I

am certain. For I invoke the names of Nodens and Brahma and Abraham and Tina Yothers for help in my

all-important mission. And they shall not foresake me. May the Great-Forces-that-be see to it that this crucial

task be taken to full fruition. And may the fruit of my colon find its way to its proper receptacle - your Mom's

mouth.

 

Sincerely,

THE POOPER

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