@anybody_wanna_peanut? Good info.
That's a tough situation.
You need to be honest with your doctor as far as pill use goes so you can work together and figure things out. I wouldn't be afraid to come clean if you are ready to starting working on resolving these issues. Don't beat yourself up about it. There are definitely alternatives as discussed above
As far as the mental side of things, eliminate the word "fate" from your vocabulary. Fuck "fate"... Realize your present circumstances are a result of your past experiences both good and bad.
As you said " I can go back a few pages and read how i pulled this exact shit and felt the exact same way." You have to figure out a way to remember how you feel today. Next time you're in this position you can look back and take control