interview with a vampire (must see!)

[Guest ToYs]

ok this was an interview done by someone at eyesuck ink... here is a link with pics but i will post the interview. here ya go:http://www.homestead.com/eyesuckink/vampire.html

 

INTERVIEW WITH A VAMPIRE

 

Lasagna: Thanks for the coffee and the clove. It’s been a while since I smoked one of these. Okay. Icebreaker. Lestat or Louis, celebrity deathmatch. Who’d win?

Louis: Armand would eradicate both of them.

Lasagna: Yeah, Antonio’s a cool fuckin guy, ain’t he? Not afraid of those white chicks.

Louis: I beg your pardon?

Lasagna: Nevermind. So, when I originally spoke to you, you mentioned that you were a vampire. Can you expand on that a little?

Louis: Much ado. I AM a vampire, though a mortal one. Minus the stereotypical weaknesses, except sunlight. That’ll always leave a nasty burn.

Lasagna: So I can stab you in the throat with this fork and you’ll die?

Louis: Very much so. I am just as human as you.

Lasagna: Except no beach parties for you without 5000 spf…I thought vampires were supposed to be immortal?

Louis: My immortality lies in my past lives and my future resurrections.

Lasagna: Do you put sunscreen on when you open the fridge?

Louis: No.

Lasagna: What about coffins? Is folklore correct in that sense?

Louis: Coffins are not a necessity, though I HAVE tried sleeping in them before. Quite uncomfortable. Plus there’s only room for one…(chuckling at himself. I had no clue vampires were so fuckin funny.) Many living vampires do sleep in coffins, but like I said, it’s not a key to survival. I have a collection of coffins, though, but it’s strictly for my love of the artform. Coffins are beauty. And beauty lies in death.

Lasagna: How poetic. Now, for the record. How old are you in “mortal” years?

Louis: I was born into my current state of darkness on October 13, 1973. You do the math.

Lasagna: I suck at math.

Louis: I’m 27.

Lasagna: You’re 27, going on an eternity?

Louis: Cute.

Lasagna: Were your parents vampies?

Louis: Vampies? No. In fact, they were against my gothic lifestyle the entirety of my life. I was forced into Assembly of God, a Catholic school. I had this ungodly uniform. Christ. But I was comfortable enough with my state of being to accept that I must overcome the obstacles of the outsiders in order to gain personal enlightenment. I have no contact with my parents as of now.

Lasagna: Did you eat them?

Louis: No, I did not EAT them.

Lasagna: Is vampiracy hereditary? I mean, if you impregnated Katie Holmes, would she sprout out a super-hot, wholesome preppie blood-sucker?

Louis: Unfortunately, vampires are sterile creatures, so I am afraid that’s impossible. Who is Katie Holmes?

Lasagna: She’s my girlfriend.

Louis: Oh.

Lasagna: Now, how does one become a vampire, because Brian, here, is interested in pursuing a career in the vampirial arts?

Louis: Brian?

Lasagna: Sorry. Breakfast Club. My feeble attempt at lighthearted sarcasm. Let me rephrase….How did YOU become a vampire?

Louis: I was born a vampire. Under hypnotism, it was revealed that I was turned in the late 13th century England by a man named Ulric.

Lasagna: Was it a homosexual thing?

Louis: Not at all. Blood letting knows no sexual boundaries. Nor does turning. Blood letting is done strictly for survival, with the exception of the extremists of today which I am convinced are not vampires at all, but more like trendy sado masochists. Though the erotic factor is quite indulging and one’s primal instincts can easily take over.

Lasagna: So when you eat a girl out, you EAT a girl out?

Louis: Next question.

Lasagna: Back to the “turning” thing. I don’t get it.

Louis: Turning is done with the intention of finding a lifemate, not a lover. Someone who you can mold, to retain the lifestyle, not poison it. A good example is that of Star Wars. In the Phantom Menace, padawan learners are taken under the wings of a seasoned Jedi, with the hopes of turning that learner into a Master, and so forth. Qui-Gon Jinn was the equivalent to a mild-mannered Lestat. Star Wars has borrowed heavily from the ancient vampire culture.

Lasagna: Are wookies vampires?

Louis: (Starting to laugh). I don’t know. I have never met one.

Lasagna: Look at my canine teeth…..they’re sharp. Am I a vampire?

Louis: No.

Lasagna: Was Dungeons&Dragons:Ravenloft modeled after you, personally?

Louis: (Laughing again, not very “gothically”) No. In fact, games such as that and shows like Buffy are complete fantasy. Fictional stuff compiled by imaginative authors. Vampiric lifestyles are very similar to the average adult. We work in video stores…

Lasagna(interrupting): Like in Lost Boys.

Louis: …as security officers, bus boys, bartenders, web site designers, day traders, basically anything that can revolve around a lack of sunlight. And a hunger for blood.

Lasagna: And a need to wear fishnets and skirts.

Louis: That’s fashionable, not necessary.

Lasagna: That’s feminine, not fashionable.

Louis: Who the HELL are you to judge me when there is no way in HELL you could ever understand me?

Lasagna: Lost Boys. Excellent flick. You agree?

Louis: You’re avoiding MY question. Who are YOU to judge ME?

Lasagna: Do you wear your suuuunnnglasses at night?

Louis: Jesus…(gripping his empty coffee cup to the point of distortion, he nervously lights another clove and mumbles something to himself. I can’t even make out what he said on the tape. My spider-sense tells me he’s getting annoyed, so I offer to get him some more coffee.)

Lasagna: Here you go. Black as night. (I laughed to myself. Fuck, I honestly didn’t mean to say that.)

Louis: Thank you.

Lasagna: Now, I really did like The Lost Boys. I think it was Schumacher’s best shit, though on a resume that includes Batman & Robin and Flatliners, I guess that’s not that hard to do.

Louis: Lost Boys was glorified teen-garbage.

Lasagna: WHAT!?

Louis: Films like that and Near Dark only made vampires look more irresponsible. More like outcasts.

Lasagna: You drink people’s blood and fear the center of the solar system. You’re not exactly the blending-in type.

Louis: You’re missing my point. Vampires in those movies were ruthlessness personified. Nomads. Savages. Cults. I’m sorry, but Mad Max vampires are not real, nor do they appeal to vampire affectionados.

Lasagna: Now, don’t bite me when I say this, but you’re wearing pointy, 20-buckled boots and a 10-pound pewter fucking cross and you’re criticizing vampires with mullets and motorcycles?

Louis: This is fucking ridiculous. Good bye.

Lasagna: Wait, wait. I apologize. SHIT!

(Some bus boy in a cape asks us if there’s a problem..Surprisingly, Louis says no and sits back down, never once taking his clove out of his mouth.)

Louis: I didn’t agree to do this for mockery purposes.

Lasagna: I know, I know. I’m sorry. This is so weird for me. You’re my first interview, too.

Louis: (Snickering) It shows. You need practice.

Lasagna: Yeah, I know. OK. Gargamel from the Smurfs Vs. Blue Berry Pie Man?

Louis: Easy. Gargamel.

Lasagna: So, are you employed now?

Louis: Yes.

Lasagna: Where at?

Louis: I am a mortician over at Pleasant Rest on Stockton Blvd.

Lasagna: Seriously?

Louis: Seriously.

Lasagna: Holy shit, is that legal? I mean embalming someone’s grandma is weird enough, but to do it for a deliquesce is absurd.

Louis: Yes, well, unfortunately I can’t survive on dead blood, so no, it’s not a feeding frenzy every time I clock in. The job was open. Graveyard shift. I took it. The quietness with the deceased is unmatched anywhere except maybe church. In fact, it’s rather tortuous if you think about it. Someone who is already harmed and contains a body full of rich blood. To have to drain that blood and watch it all get washed away without a single taste from me.

Lasagna: Why only live blood?

Louis: Dead-blood simply makes us sick. It interacts with our own bloodstream and often contains infections. Consuming mass quantities of tainted blood is like drinking poison. Like sex without a condom. It’s almost certain death, being as how there are very few cures for blood-born diseases. Let alone doctors who make mid-night house calls.

Lasagna: There’s barely any call-girls that make midnight house calls.

Louis: What time is it?

Lasagna: 9:45. We got 15 minutes before this place closes. Are all vampires as articulate as you are? You talk smoother than a pimp.

Louis: Is that a compliment?

Lasagna: I don’t know…change into a bat.

Louis: Another myth.

Lasagna: Damnit!

Louis: Disappointing?

Lasagna: A little. …So, is being a vampire a 24 hour thing. I mean, do you ever just chill out in front of your Playstation and say “Right now I’m just not feelin it”?

Louis: No rest for the wicked.

Lasagna: How long have you been waiting to say that?

Louis: Honestly…this entire time (he is laughing like he really HAS been waiting to say that lame shit). Did I time it well?

Lasagna: Like Van Gough’s decision to slice his ear off….Shit, its almost 10. One more thing I’m curious about. What kind of music do you like, and if you say Bauhaus and Sister’s of Mercy I’m gonna fucking sock you.

Louis: (Giggling like the woman he’s dressed as) No, no. Shit. I’m far beyond that stage. I am fascinated by classical symphonies. Theatrical scores. Though out of today’s music I have to admit I like Nemesis, and The Fields of the Nephlim. And I’m also quite partial to Peter Murphy’s solo work.

Lasagna: What the fuck did I say?

Louis: Peter Murphy had nothing to do with Bauhaus during his solo career.

Lasagna: The point of this interview was to crush the stereotypes of vampires and you sit here and say you like what every other fucking goth likes. I have failed miserably. And it’s your fault. I wasted my time.

Louis: You know what, fuck you.

Lasagna: Fuck you, too. Your panty hose are ripping. Goodnight. (I start heading out the door. I look at the guy putting up the chairs. He’s got eyeliner on and he gives me the don’t-bother-me-with-your-kind-look). And fuck you.

Both (in some telepathically goth unisons): FUCK OFF.

 

I cried laughing when I got in my car. This is gonna be the funniest shit. On the phone before the interview I told him I was from Carpe Noctem. He has no clue.

[Guest socrates]

Damn I thought it was about the movie

[Guest ToYs]

yeah i know... bad title for a thread. .. false advertising

[podrido]

bringing shit back from the dead like jesus does to hi-c and turkey

[el barto]

yehi thought this was going ot be about the movie too, and i was going to say something witty liike "yeh a must see like in 95 kid" muhahahah it would have been great thanks for ruining it fo r me.

[Dr. Dazzle]

I actually saw the movie for the first time last night and I thought it was great. Kinda homo-erotic and Kirsten Dunst pissed me off, but other than that it was fucking cool as hell......

[Guest platapie]

queen of the dammend sucked huge moneky balls.

[suburbian bum]

Allt aht guy is, is some metal head that played too much dungeons and dragon and started collecting magic the gathering cards at age 10 and has never had a girlfriend yet. NO diss to people like this.