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Discussion in 'Channel Zero' started by Dirty_habiT, May 4, 2003.

  1. Dirty_habiT

    Dirty_habiT Administrator

    Joined: Mar 8, 2001 Messages: 18,130 Likes Received: 77
    NEAR TIKRIT, IRAQ (WT) - Coalition forces faced a major impasse Wednesday afternoon when the vanguard of the 1st Marine Expeditionary Force was soundly defeated by "lame Iraqi campers" near the city of Tikrit.

    According to the Pentagon's account of the skirmish, a forward group of about a hundred U.S. soldiers equipped with MP5 sub-machineguns and durable Kevlar armor advanced on an Iraqi military facility roughly ten miles south of Tikrit in northern Iraq. It was there that the highly-trained marines were handily gunned down by Iraqi snipers "camping" - - that is, waiting perched in concealed locations. After a brief firefight, two dozen U.S. Marines laid dead with the HP levels of nearly fifty more having dipped below 30.

    The Iraqis sustained no verified deaths, although one was injured by haphazard return fire.

    "WTF???" read a cryptic statement issued to the press by Central Command minutes after the brutal firefight. "OMFG that is so gay."

    "Shit u suck, [H]ussein, u total newb faggot," continued the statement. "NOT FAIR!!!"

    At Thursday's scheduled press conference, Pentagon officials claimed the Iraqi soldiers employed "#@#!ing lame" strategies contrary to the rules of war.

    "These snipers intentionally went into these 'camping' formations, knowing full well that it would enable them to easily fire upon our forces without being noticed," said Deputy Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz. "This strat[egy] is #@#!ing retarded since its totally unfair and takes no skill at all."

    Wolfowitz went on to say that the Pentagon suspects the Iraqis were also using illegal weaponry. During the battle, Iraqi snipers were observed using AW/M sniper rifles, which have been banned by over 160 United Nations members and are "seriously gay," said Wolfowitz. According to Defense Department specifications, AW/M rifles can "kill a guy in like two seconds."

    Wolfowitz also expressed concern over what effect the defeat could have on the United States' military rating. "If [the U.S.'s] rating goes down because of this, I swear to God, I'll kill him," he said.

    Later that hour, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld also touched on the matter while addressing the whereabouts of deposed Iraqi President Saddam Hussein.

    "It is possible," Rumsfeld said, "that Hussein is still alive in a bunker somewhere, spending all day winning battles by using retarded tactics since he has no #@#!ing skill. Now, what's the fun in that?"

    Added Rumsfeld: "What a total gaywad loser."

    Allegations against the Iraqis flew during Friday's White House press conference, when Press Secretary Ari Fleischer accused the Iraqis of having employed more patently illicit weaponry, including insidious "location hack" devices and even trainers.

    "In May of 1994, the Russian government sold over 5,000 'wall hack' goggles to the Iraqi government," said Fleischer. "Furthermore, we have evidence that Hussein's administration established at least three 'trainer' camps, where Republican Guard soldiers received permanent 100 HP and +99 ATK on all weapons."

    Fleischer also noted the Bush Administration's intent to punish any and all Iraqi soldiers caught "camping" in a war crimes court. If convicted, the an Iraqi might face a "do-over," in which he would be forced to confront another U.S. soldier in a combat setting, but this time one-on-one.

    While the White House has remained optimistic, critical anti-war legislators have cited the defeat as evidence that "it's time to turn off the war."

    "This is so #@#!ing dumb. I #@#!ing hate war," said House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), one of few girls serving in Congress. "I'm never voting for war again."

    Pelosi also noted that she really wants the nation to get into The Sims again.

    Shunning detractors, the Pentagon says it will continue efforts to root out entrenched Saddam loyalists despite the potential risks involved.

    Said Wolfowitz: "Now that we understand that this tactic is being employed, we can begin to take evasive measures such as resigning and selecting another compound to raid if we encounter 'campers' again in the future."
  2. uncle-boy

    uncle-boy Guest

  3. CAPiTA

    CAPiTA Member

    Joined: Apr 13, 2003 Messages: 667 Likes Received: 0
  4. Poop Man Bob

    Poop Man Bob Dirty Dozen Crew

    Joined: Nov 16, 2000 Messages: 10,259 Likes Received: 18
    ^^^ John Madden on left?

    Nice post, dh.
  5. Evil Dee

    Evil Dee Senior Member

    Joined: Feb 16, 2003 Messages: 1,234 Likes Received: 1
    I love it. Fuckin hilarious.
  6. BBoYm

    BBoYm Member

    Joined: Nov 2, 2002 Messages: 724 Likes Received: 0
    i thought its all fair in love and war??????
  7. ctrl+alt+del

    ctrl+alt+del Guest

    5700P1[) N008 817H35!
  8. test pattern

    test pattern Elite Member

    Joined: Jan 21, 2002 Messages: 3,975 Likes Received: 0
    570p 73h k1llz0r asap
  9. Pilau Hands

    Pilau Hands Guest

  10. Kr430n5_666

    Kr430n5_666 Banned

    Joined: Oct 6, 2004 Messages: 19,229 Likes Received: 30
  11. Dirty_habiT

    Dirty_habiT Administrator

    Joined: Mar 8, 2001 Messages: 18,130 Likes Received: 77
    just read that again, and it's just as funny the second time.