the modest path....rob

Free Will Astrology

horoscopes for week of January 13, 2005

Aries (March 21-April 19)

You're like grass sprouting up through a crevice in a boulder, Aries; like a hawk that has built a nest on the roof of a swank penthouse. You even remind me of an indie rock band that has somehow cracked the Billboard charts without selling out. I don't know how you've managed it, but I congratulate you on your ability to be cagily opportunistic in difficult circumstances even as you remain true to yourself. Now comes the really hard part: staying humble, cultivating gratitude, renewing your commitment to unpretentious resourcefulness, and continuing to do all the other things that got you to where you are now.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Author Danny Cox is an "accelerationist," according to the promotional blurb on his website. His talent is to induce "faster movement, higher efficiency, and increased productivity." I call on you to be a different kind of accelerationist in the coming week, Taurus: one who inspires visions of the big picture, purges pettiness from all interactions, and agitates on behalf of the highest possible ideals. If that leads to faster movement, higher efficiency, and increased production, fine. If it doesn't, equally fine. Your assignment is to be a soul accelerationist, not an ego accelerationist.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

In his book, Chronicles: Volume 1, famed Gemini bard Bob Dylan claims that he never wanted to be the voice of his generation, let alone a prophet of protest leading a charge to overthrow the corrupt empire. "I really was never any more than a folk musician who gazed into the gray mist with tear-blinded eyes," he writes. "My deepest dream was a house on a tree-lined block with a white picket fence, pink roses in the backyard." I believe many of you Geminis will thrive in the coming nine months if you pursue a similarly modest path. Beginning next November, you may be called on to raise some beautiful and benevolent hell, but in the short run I advise you to bolster your foundations with tender loving care.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Five hundred British art experts recently voted to determine the most influential art work of all time. Was it Leonardo da Vinci's "Mona Lisa" or Michelangelo's "David"? No. The winner was "Fountain," the white porcelain urinal that Marcel Duchamp mounted in a gallery show in 1917. "It reflects the idea that the creative process that goes into a work of art is the most important thing," said one of the voters, Simon Wilson. "The work itself can be made of anything and can take any form." I nominate Duchamp's urinal to be the most potent symbol in your world in the coming weeks, Cancerian. May it inspire you to place fresh thinking above all other values. For the foreseeable future, the greatest beauty will originate in imaginative departures from the way things have always been done.

Leo (July 23-August 22)

Clint Eastwood's Million Dollar Baby is the best Hollywood movie of 2004, said A.O. Scott in the New York Times. But Salon.com's Charles Taylor panned the film, calling it leaden and boring, "a compendium of every cliché from every bad boxing melodrama ever made." I suspect that you will get equally contradictory reviews for your life and work in the coming week, Leo. For instance, some people may regard you as a magician who has transformed rot into splendor, while others may think of you as a dabbler with too much self-esteem. Both are wrong. More importantly, their opinions, whether good or bad, shouldn't concern you. Be your own judge.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

The wife of lottery winner Jack Whittaker bemoans the day he struck it rich. Since collecting $113 million in 2002, he has been in trouble with the law constantly, and has wasted a lot of time gambling and hanging out at strip clubs. "I wish I would have torn the lottery ticket up," says Jewel Whittaker. Let's hope you handle your growing solvency with more aplomb, Virgo. My guess is that although you're not going to win the lottery this year, your luck and hard work will conspire to raise your disposable income. Don't let it make you too crazy.

Libra (September 23-October 22)

In a recent study, researchers could not train blue jays to postpone their desire. After a thousand repetitions, the birds still kept gobbling down a tiny chunk of food instead of waiting a short time for a much bigger piece. Many scientists believe that humans are similarly hard-wired for instant gratification. If that's true, Libra, you must resist it with all your power in the coming week. A better, more substantial prize will soon become available if you can stop yourself from grabbing the meager treat that's in front of your nose right now.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

I beg you not to do what Robert Chamberlain did in his room at a Motel 6 in Chenango, New York last May. Please don't buy 14 jars of petroleum jelly and smear the stuff all over yourself, the walls, and the furniture. On the other hand, Scorpio, I do recommend that you become as slippery as possible in the coming week, metaphorically speaking. Don't stay too long in one place, don't commit yourself to long-term plans, don't get stuck in dogmatic perspectives, and don't get pinned down, period.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

At a recent press conference, a reporter asked President George W. Bush to explain what seemed like inconsistencies in his previously announced intention to revise the Social Security program. Bush said, "I'm not going to negotiate with myself" about the issue, and avoided making a substantive response. I advise you to take the opposite tack in the coming week, Sagittarius. It's crucial that you negotiate with yourself profusely, maybe even debate and argue--though I hope you'll stop short of getting into a fight with yourself. The fact is, the life issues you're dealing with need vigorous input from all the voices in your head. Even the seemingly irrational ones must have their say in order for you to reach wise decisions.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

"One of the strongest characteristics of genius is the power of lighting its own fire," wrote essayist John W. Foster. While you may not be a genius in the same way that Albert Einstein or Emily Dickinson were, Capricorn, I believe that one of your special talents deserves the title. The only problem is, you haven't consistently given that talent the nurturing it needs to flourish. Would you consider correcting this neglect in the coming weeks? No later than March 1, I hope you will put into action a disciplined, long-term plan to create a metaphorical greenhouse for this natural endowment of yours.

Aquarius (January 20- February 18)

Every year the people of Dhami in India celebrate Sati Pradha Mela, a raucous stone-throwing festival. I won't go into the specifics of what they do, because I merely want you to steal the basic idea. Why? Because according to my reading of the astrological omens, it is now a perfect time for you to unleash your pent-up aggressions in a flagrant yet harmless ritual. You can of course do this any way you see fit, but here's my suggestion: Wander out into a wild place and hurl about 20 big rocks in the direction of heaven.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

Three times recently I've been driving home after 11 p.m. when I've spied a strange scene unfolding at a neighborhood house. The couple that lives there has been sitting around a festively decorated table in the front yard. A group of maybe eight to ten other people has been with them, and they've all been drinking from champagne glasses, making boisterous toasts, laughing heartily, and singing loud songs. I've been tempted to crash their little parties; it's exhilarating to see such late-night outdoor merriment in drizzly 30-degree weather during the bleak post-holiday season. I propose that you make these weirdoes your role models in the coming week, Pisces. Let them inspire you to be lavishly celebratory, convivial, and cheerful, even in seemingly inhospitable circumstances.

d: j!

j: sammy hagar!!!!

d: dog dick 2007

j: murauders open 1943

d: oh god i know shit

d: how we all doin tonight

j: i got arrested a couple days ago d

d: for what

throw stones? but I live in a glass house! Thanks ROB.

PNI0N

Aries: (March 21—April 19)

Buy yourself some extremely long bed sheets. You'll be making an escape rope out of them very soon.

Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)

Your pocket Bible will stop an assailant's bullet, but not before it passes through four innocent bystanders, a school-bus gas tank, and your genitals.

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)

You will learn a valuable lesson about strategic thinking after you write insults in your worst enemy's Advanced Judo handbook.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)

After traveling for months, Nashvillian monks will appear at your door to announce that you are the latest incarnation of the Dolly Parton.

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)

Antisthenes wrote, "It is a kingly thing to do good and to then be abused," but that does not mean that you're the king.

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)

There seems to be a universal force that balances out the good and bad events in our lives. Don't worry about it, though, as nothing ever happens to you.

Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)

You'll never know if your "I'm With Stupid" casket was a big hit, but you have the courage of your convictions.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)

There will soon come a time when your happiness depends on where and whether an enormous man catches a ball.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)

Be assured that the Author of all Creation has a plan for you. Unfortunately, it involves a hackneyed "evil twin" plot twist you'll see coming a mile away.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)

Doctors caution that you cause extreme negative reactions—including rashes, vomiting, and hysteria—in women who may become pregnant.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)

You never thought you'd do anything to set the world on fire, but after a three-month arson investigation, that's what the U.N. tribunal will determine.

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)

The stars have foretold a night journey over water, so get cracking on those plane tickets, pronto.

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)

You will learn a valuable lesson about strategic thinking after you write insults in your worst enemy's Advanced Judo handbook.

this makes sense..soo i wait for them to come kill me?

Gemini

The unlikely hero

Your assignment is to be a soul accelerationist, not an ego accelerationist.

cool.

Haiku Horoscopes

Aries

(Mar. 21 - Apr. 19)

Would you stop being

Selfish? Think about me for

A change. Always me.

Taurus

(Apr. 20 - May 20)

Try to be kinder

To animals who could kill

You if they wanted

Gemini

(May 21 - June 20)

You’ve got a gambling

Problem, the problem being

That you’re not lucky

Cancer

(June 21 - July 22)

Just kidding, luck is

A myth — like God, the Sasquatch

And astrology

Leo

(July 23 - Aug. 22)

Sorry, my advice

For you must still be at home

In those other pants

Virgo

(Aug. 23 - Sept. 22)

It’s about time to

Give up on all of your New

Year’s resolutions

Libra

(Sept. 23 - Oct. 22)

Canada’s wildlife

Needs your protection, not your

Leftover Fritos

Scorpio

(Oct. 23 - Nov. 21)

No one can rap quite

Like you, but then again no

One really wants to

Sagittarius

(Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)

You didn’t read the

Fine print, and now you owe me

The night with your bride

Capricorn

(Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)

You will make a lot

Of money this week, but you

Don’t want to know how

Aquarius

(Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)

Ignore your critics

They’ll never understand your

New “bad art” project

Pisces

(Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)

You are the lost king

Of Winnipeg, begin to

Act accordingly

Aquarius

(Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)

Ignore your critics

They’ll never understand your

New “bad art” project

ummmm....maybe i need to get in my blackbook more often.