sayWORD?
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Posts posted by sayWORD?
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it always blows my mind when some kid comes in here and posts his wack shit next to countless talented writers, then gets butthurt when he gets called out.
i understand wanting exposure/crits, but youre defending your shit like its dope and then blowing off any sort of opportunity for improvement.
walid was polite in telling you to fuck off to the toy thread.
now fuck off to the toy thread, that absorb handy alone is fucking terrible, dont get me started on your letters.
good shit mek.
my homegirl...
couple canvases from my boys art show. stolen.
not a canvas, dont care.
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good shit bruh.
minus a few toys, this thread has been hot lately.
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^^yea man weeds not working for me either.
blazed earlier today, but decided to not even bother right now because i know ill get the heart rate bullshit increase and be tempted to have a beer too.
still sober, still cant sleep.
exercise alone isnt helping me.
i dont wanna talk to my doctor and get prescribed with some bullshit sleep aid that will land me in another shitty fucking addiction. my ex girl was hooked on that shit, and i saw first hand how uncool that was.
suggestions/help from any of you longer term sober cats?
does the insomnia get better over time?
seems like this issue is affecting alot of us, on this last page alone.
other than that, i had a pretty positive day today.
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its the night of day 4/morning of day 5 for me without booze.
the insomnia fucking sucks. i can see now that ive been passing out rather than falling asleep for years now. i hit the gym hard today, hoping that would knock me out. my body is tired as fuck, my mind not so much. restless as fuck. i know its early in my "recovery" or "vacation" from drinking, or whatever the fuck it is. i dont even really know at this point, but i dont particularily feel better in the mornings at all. i guess i sorta ignorantly figured that if i just quit drinking id automatically feel great, loving life, waking up in the mornings without a hangover to the sound of birds chirping every day. hasnt been the case so far. felt like fucking shit this morning. its early on i guess.
my appetite seems to fluctuate a lot. yesterday i ate a disgusting amount of food which is kinda abnormal for me. today i feel nauseous as fuck and havent had much of an appetite. my anxiety is worse today than it has been in the last 3 days. im trying to keep busy. ive been smoking a lot of weed not even purposely, it just seems to be happening. im not sure this is good. im bored now.
i dont know if this is just some weird ocd shit that only i experience, but i feel a lot more at ease with quitting drinking if theres alcohol in my house. theres been beer in my fridge since i decided 4 days ago that i was taking a break for a while. initially i was thinking this might be detrimental, but its seeming to have a bit of an unexpected effect. im panicking less, knowing that if i need to say fuck it and have a drink, its there. its oddly soothing, and i can talk myself down from my cravings (or at least i have been able to for this short while). kinda playing with fire, but whatever. had it not been there, i would most certainly have gone to the liquor store and bought some shit and i doubt i woulda lasted even this short time.
ive got this sort of bottled up rage simmering just below the surface, and im not entirely sure what the deal is with that. maybe its withdrawls, maybe its some sort of disgust at previously intoxicated self that i only get when im sober. i sorta feel this anger like im pissed off at how bad i let my life get when ive been drinking all these years. i guess this is how it feels to not have alcohol as a crutch when youre down on yourself or not completely happy with the way things have been going. im my own worst critic. whatever the case, ive been avoiding the females in my life for the past couple days because the tendency to snap and tell them to get the fuck away from me is high on the richter scale. im not even particularly stoked chilling with good sober homies yet. i hope this changes, and soon.
in the past two weeks i have been sober for almost 10 days.
previously, before this little break its been an everyday thing for over 7 years.
baby steps.
ima try to sleep and hope i feel better tomorrow (today).
peace.
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you cant be fucking serious.
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^^^^
give that a listen, all of yous.
There's something uniquely special about this thread, and it's amazing how it even exists..especially on this site. It provides a kind of support that differs from any program, or advice from friends, soething we just can't get anywhere else. A truly anonymous forum, and outlet where people can come to vent and work through their struggles. so awesome.
Because of other outside factors, the past 6 months have been the worst I can ever remember. Went through a lot of hard times, bullshit, and it has given me an anxiety I have never experienced before. It's the worst. Battling insomnia, and having constant nightmares. Many of those come from dwelling on things I fucked up on in the past. Obsessive thoughts are able to take over, and drinking offers a change, a way to cover up feelings and sweep them under the rug, temporarily, to feel good at least for a little while. But the negatives hold no bars. I really fucked up this week, pretty badly. Made a mess of myself at the bar, really embarrassing. Somehow getting home on bike. Realized I lost something, went all the way back to try and find it, couldn't and went all the way back, stopped to pee in between cars, etc. Lucky to not be arrested. I've been smoking an insane amount of cigarettes, my intake has grown tenfold, and my chest is feeling the effect. Somehow I have to get out of this bad state of depression. My punchlines have been extra disturbing, on some Kids.DAC shit(R.I.P.), only he was a poet, mine are just embarrassing. I think of all the relationships I have screwed up, whether drinking has played a part of it or not, It's something I have to work on. I've been trying to take some simple steps to be positive. Started volunteering, a healthy sober activity. Gonna start walkin some shelter pups too i think. I don't know what will happen, but I want to be happy again. I was there almost a year ago, and want to be there again. I know drinking will not get me there. I know I will drink again, and it's a scary slippery slope, but I'm only gonna do what I can right now. I've been sober for 3 days now, and was able to do some work, organize and clean, read and such. Gonna take some time to work on a project I've been pushing off. I'll take it.
can relate to almost everything you said here man.
especially this: "I think of all the relationships I have screwed up, whether drinking has played a part of it or not, It's something I have to work on" and the insomnia and cigarette increase youre going through.
im not drunk today, which surprises me because theres beer at my house. i just wasnt feeling it.
cant sleep, but not drunk. i guess thats good.
on an interesting note, i referred one of my friends to this thread, and hes been lurking and reading ever since.
he doesnt know shit about 12oz or graffiti, and is definitely not a forum goer, but i felt that this place is definitely a must read for anyone whos battling addiction.
he called me today and was pretty stoked i shared this with him.
wish everyone the best.
stay up.
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read this the other day, not saying its 100% accurate, but i found it entertaining.
maybe its a repost, whatever.
http://www.cracked.com/article_18824_5-things-nobody-tells-you-about-quitting-drinking.html
5 Things Nobody Tells You About Quitting Drinking
By: John Cheese November 05, 2010 3,266,281 views
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One year ago, I was hospitalized. I won't bore you with the details, so let's just say I was struck down with a case of having an enormous penis. Several vials of blood were taken for various tests, all of them coming back positive for a magnificent, awe-inspiring dong, which I was already fully aware of. What I didn't expect, however, was the doctor's first question when explaining my results.
"So ... how much do you drink per day?"
I started to answer, but he threw up a hand to stop me and continued, "If you don't stop drinking right now, you'll be dead before you're 40. You're 35, and your liver is already showing signs of shutting down. Then again, the faster all the drunks die off, the more space we free up in this hospital for people with actual medical problems that are beyond their own control." Then he punched me in the face and hobbled out of the room on his cane.
So I quit, cold turkey, after 22 years of what could only be called the my penis of alcohol addictions. That was a little over a year ago, and during that time I've discovered some things about quitting booze that they manage to leave out of inspirational movie montages.
#5.The Stench
For the first couple of days, stretching into the first couple of weeks, you sweat your ass off. Even on cold days, you can't keep a shirt dry with all the king's deodorant and all the king's men ... putting that deodorant on for you. (I'm not good with metaphors.)
As your body works overtime to rid itself of toxins, leftover alcohol and its byproducts that are stored in your lymph nodes will begin to seep out through not only your urine, but also your breath and the pores of your skin.
This isn't normal stink. If it was just persistent body odor, you could do something about it. No, this is stink on a demonic level. This is Stinkotronicus: Master of Stinkalarium, and it will make you do its bidding, lest it destroy you and all of those you hold dear. Showers do help, but their effect is very temporary and only seems to provoke it.
How bad is it? Another Cracked writer on the wagon (who posts as Yowhound) was actually kicked off of a public bus because of this ... in Europe. They've tolerated the French for thousands of years, but they couldn't handle one bus ride with a recovering alcoholic.
#4.The Nightmares
The stench isn't the end of the world (even if it smells exactly like how you imagine the apocalypse smelling). No, it's the insomnia that's the first major ass-kicker.
For many hardcore drinkers, "going to sleep" and "passing out" mean roughly the same thing. I personally never got black-out drunk, but I always went to bed with a good, deep buzz. I did it so often that my brain got used to the booze as a sleep aid. So much so that when I finally quit and the toxins began to disappear from my body, my brain became more active at bedtime and simply refused to shut down for the night (once more, this is common among detoxing alcoholics). But then, once you finally drift off, is when the fun starts.
That's when you get some of the most frequent and realistic nightmares you've ever experienced. Intense feelings of dread and anxiety thump through your sleeping mind, as if the stench demon decided to drift into your cerebral cortex.
Remember that your brain is not only more active but also in panic mode. It has become so used to having alcohol that it started thinking it was one of your normal bodily fluids. Imagine if you suddenly gave up food, taking all of your nutrients via an IV instead. Even if you were getting everything you needed, for a while your empty stomach would still send out the pain alarm that says, "INSERT FOOD OR YOU WILL DIE, DUMBASS!" The inside of a detoxing alcoholic's head is freaking out in the same manner.
One of the most common nightmares among alcoholics is the terrible recurring dream where you fall off the wagon. You fight all day to stay sober, then in your sleep you relapse. So in the dream you now have to explain to the people around you that you slipped. Not only do you feel all of the guilt and shame and frustration while you're dreaming, the feelings stick with you long after you wake up.
Like all the symptoms, it passes. What does not pass so easily is ...
#3.The Poop
It's like my grandma used to tell me: "John, when you really think about it, it all comes down to shitting. Now put in that VHS tape marked '5 Hours of Me Shitting' and I'll show you what I mean." Now, that video was a compilation of several different movements set to the "Moonlight Sonata," but if I had tried to make my own such video the camera's battery would have run out before I finished just one.
Alcohol has calories. Since a whole lot of an alcoholic's caloric intake comes out of a bottle, most alcoholics have very poor diets overall. So for instance, I would eat lunch, but by early evening, food would be replaced with booze. Drinking keeps the stomach busy, and alcohol suppresses the appetite. Then, maybe you binge on tacos at 2 a.m. As millions of college kids can tell you, the following day's result is known as "beer shits."
When you stop drinking, you subtract from the body all of those thousands of liquid calories, but now you're hungrier, so you eat to replace them. But a system used to digesting gallons of beer suddenly has pounds of meat and cheese to work on. It'd be like if a normal person spontaneously decided to spend a week slowly eating an entire moose.
The point being, have you ever shit an antler?
You have to kind of twist on the seat.
Because that's what it feels like. The intestines extract an insane amount of water from your feces, leaving you with a bowel full of granite. For me, this lasted for over a month before my body adjusted, and now I can pass a life-sized statue of the crucifixion through my colon. I'd write more about this, but I'm considering turning it into a book instead, as soon as I can find someone to illustrate it.
#2.The Urge to Murder
The first thing to go during detoxification is the mind. It starts to wander. Short-term memory misfires. The simplest tasks will require as much focus as defusing a time bomb.
There was a day in the first week of my own detoxification when I walked into the living room four times in a row to get my phone, but each time I forgot to pick it up. We've all done that before, right? The difference is that mine was ringing at the time.
Part of this lack of focus is because you're constantly tired from the insomnia/nightmare combination, part of it is the nervous system not having the security blanket of booze it's used to. And with that, came changes in mood.
The smallest things would irritate me into a full-blown rage. Little annoyances, like the person who was sitting at the same picnic table as me who wouldn't stop tapping his leg up and down, shaking the whole contraption. I wanted get a gun and murder him and all of the other people in the world who had failed to murder him up to that point.
Some people in that situation may have a few people close to them who sympathize with what they're going through (assuming they connect the bad mood with the alcohol at all, and they may not if they've never tried to quit). But to everyone else, you're just being an unmanageable twat. Fortunately, I still had my friends to make me feel better.
Well, I would have, if it hadn't turned out that most of my friends were in fact just drinking partners. When I told them I was quitting, they'd sort of nervously laugh, waiting for the punch line. Then, they'd respond with a genuinely surprised, "Really? Why?" Then they'd reassure me that I didn't have a drinking problem (because if I had a drinking problem, it meant they had a drinking problem).
That's when I'd find out that drinking was all we had in common. Then they'd start slyly trying to get me to drink, and I'd have visions of punching all of the skin off of their faces. So, for the first couple of weeks I wound up just avoiding people when at all possible. It sounds like a chickenshit way out, but it got me through the first of the bad spots without hurting many people in the process, and I murdered almost nobody.
Almost.
Once the irritability subsides, you're about to reap the rewards of ...
#1.The Blissful High
For a few days after a person becomes completely detoxed, his body will get an unexpected dose of oxygen, real food and natural chemicals that will put him on a natural high. It's just a symptom, just like the pooping, and likewise it won't last. Truthfully, you don't want it to.
But in the mean time, rainbows will shoot out of your ass, and it will feel like the final scenes of Independence Day. You've overcome your addictions! The alien ships have been destroyed! You just did what they all said you couldn't do!
Except you haven't. There is no finish line with alcohol recovery. Ninety percent of alcoholics relapse within the first four years. There are still shitloads of ships up there, and each one of them requires Randy Quaid to improbably fly into it at the exact moment it attacks with its giant laser beam.
It turns out that drinking doesn't make a person an alcoholic. The part of a person's brain that makes him drink to excess is what makes him an alcoholic, and the mechanism for the addiction is still there. This is why people in 12-step programs say that you'll always be an alcoholic, even if you're not drinking. Alcohol isn't the disease; it's a symptom. Or rather, it's an attempt to self-medicate the disease.
It's hard for people to understand why I can't just downgrade from "alcoholic" to "moderate drinker." There are plenty of people out there who can drink in moderation. They can down a couple with their friends, shit on the hood of a cop car, go to sleep and forget all about booze the next day. I'm not one of them. Neither was my dad, who died at age 49 from this shit.
I think I'll find a better way to teach my kids the same lesson.
If you're a drunk and have started to realize that your story is going to end with a bunch of your friends telling hilarious drinking stories at your funeral, I promise you that quitting is totally worth it, despite all the bad stuff I described above. I'm one year sober as of last week, and I've never felt better or more proud of myself in my life. And in that year, I have not woken up even one time with a cock drawn on my face.
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IM ON THA PLAYSTATION, PLAYIN GRAND THEFT/ I HAD A HUNNIT BRICKS, I GOT THREE LEFT/
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CHOPPA ON THA FLO, PISTOL ON THA COUCH/ HOODRICH SO I NEVA HAD NO BANK ACCOUNT/ BRICKS GOIN IN, BRICKS GOIN OUT/ MADE A HUNNIT THOU IN MY TRAP HOU/
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I'll probably edit this and add onto it later, I'm really summarizing best I can.. I don't expect people to read this.
do us a favor and dont add onto it.
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smashed this brazillian chick last night.
5'2, no more than 110lbs, bcups, and an ass that rivals the twerk team.
i dont know whats in the water down there, but i needa get myself down to rio asap.
will post pics soon.
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her text...[/color][/b][/size]
" I like you a lot. For me, Iwould have liked to see you every weekend. I would have liked to go go places with you but i noticed you dont like me. When i am with you, you only complain about me. Nothing is good enough for you. This week I thought alot about it and will accept reality. I tried to call you and tell you this but you didnt respond. I hope you are happy."
my text...
" im not the right one for you"
her text....
"whats not right about you for me?"
:confused: :nope: :confused:
her text...[/size]
if u really cared about me u'd give me another chance
my text...
you fucked ***** so now im fucking *****. seems pretty over to me.
her text....
ya but i thought about u the whole time.
:confused: :nope: :confused:
fuckouttahere bitch.
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so some drunk marine tries to barge his way into guccis entourage to get a picture with him and gets hit in the head with a bottle.
this is the same dude who has been committed in a psych ward, has killed a nigga who tried him, and has breached probation for having massive amounts of ecstacy in his system.
if you ask me, marine dude got what he deserved due to his sheer stupidity.
GUCCI MANE LAFLARE IM FROM EAST ATLANNA GOT DIAMONDS IN MY MOUF SAME COLOR BANANAS
FREE MY NIGGA GUCCI
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i love this thread.
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and dont shower while you wait for that shit to get delivered.
no thanks.
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thanks for the kind words sm.
must spread rep.
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must spread rep yard. good read for sure.
got some good news, theres about an 80% chance im going to beat my dui case as the cops fucked up royally when filling out their paperwork. after shelling out almost 15k in lawyer fees, its nice to know i have a pretty good chance. i know nothings guaranteed, but i can at least breathe now, and the axe hanging over my head seems a little less sharp. dont wanna jinx it, so ima leave it at that.
also, after manning up, tucking my tail in between my legs, and going in to talk to the big boss at my company, i was informed that i still had a job this year. even though i cant operate shit due to my charges i wont have to take a pay cut, which is absurd. the thought of getting paid what im making just to do manual labor is unbelievable to me, and im looking forward to getting a tan and getting paid well to work out and build muscle. ill be able to rebuild my savings within months. great feeling. much better than being forced into some low paying bullshit warehouse job for a year. im happy.
been sober the last few days. kinda feel like im playing with fire if im drinking, and with these latest positive occurences, i dont want to tempt fate. definitely not cured, far from it, but at least the depression and hopelessness at my situation has lessened as of late, and suprise suprise so has the desire to drink away the pain.
reconnected with a girl who now lives a long ways away from me. shes been there for me over the last little while, even when im wasted and call her up at 2am. im fortunate to have someone special in my life that i can be open with.
also booked an appointment next week with a psychologist. was referred by my old therapist who has since stopped practicing. seems like a well educated dude, im gonna go in with an honest and open mind, and hopefully get myself on the right path. also, i renewed my gym membership. feel really good about that too.
seems like theres a light at the end of the tunnel today.
one step at a time for real.
today was a good day.
good luck homies.
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lawyers are like vodka.
pay for the best and you dont wake up the next morning feeling like you got fucked.
-sW
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yard, id be interested in anything you could contribute.
drunk now again, not especially pleased, but not too sure how to have fun without this shit.
i guess tonight was a good night.
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by they way, i just want to say thanks for all the support i get through pms and props and posts from you guys and girls.
i really feel fortunate that there is this faceless community where i can open up and speak freely and also read about other peoples experiences and the judgement is minimal if not non-existant.
i appreciate you all more than youll ever probably know.
thanks homies.
-sW
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so im sober now as i write this.
this last page seems to be focused alot on why people feel they drink/use. it made me want to re-examine my own situation with a clear head.
i think a big portion of why i drink is because its so socially acceptable. its just so prevalent. but i am slowly coming to realize that i am never going to be one of those guys that can sit and have two beers and watch the game. i need six minimum. that turns to 12. i start craving it for whatever reason, even if all im going to do is get dropped off at home to play video games/oontz. i think alot of it has to do with sleep problems and anxiety. when i quit doing drugs in 2006, i could never sleep, and i just hate insomnia. i would rather drink to pass out than toss and turn and think about things that are going on in my life.
i also believe i suffer from a form of depression. i know this shit because i have been diagnosed with it. i never wanted to believe it, and i just self medicated because when i was first diagnosed i was in highschool and everyone was smoking weed and getting drunk anyways, so i figured it was normal. now im at the point in my life where self medicating to the level i need to get to is no longer acceptable. i remember getting pulled over for a dui and blowing three times the legal limit and in my head thinking "im not even really that drunk". this scares me alot. i also work a seasonal job which is go go go all summer and then nothing but collecting a check in the winter and sitting on my ass. maybe in terms of my own sanity i should consider changing occupations, however my current job pays me well and i feel my depression would increase if i could no longer afford myself with the financial luxuries i enjoy now. my occupation definitely contributes to seasonal depression or whatever the fuck people call it. i guess i feel trapped.
i think im lonely. its been years since ive held down a steady relationship lasting anything over a year. i have many girls that are interested in me, and fall for me because im not bad looking, im smart, witty, and i can make them feel good. when im sober. but theres this weird part of me who feels like i cant be myself without alcohol. and then when im drunk, all hell breaks lose. some girls can handle it better than others, some even stick around for a while to try to change me. then i wake up next to them with a hangover in the morning wracked with guilt and apologize and they fall in love with me all over again until i start drinking the next night. yesterday, i went out for drinks with my ex because there was shit that needed to be discussed and i figured there would be no way i could handle it without liquor. so there we are, a few drinks later, arguing when a pretty young girl walks up and asks "*****? is that you?" i look over and see a girl i used to date 5 years ago, our relationship i ruined from being an alcoholic. and there i am 5 years later, doing the exact same thing with another girl. faces are starting to blur together. i was mortified. definitely an eye opener. but more drinks came because i figured that if i had to talk to a girl who swore she never wanted to see me again 5 years prior, i better get some liquid courage.
i went and worked out today. first time in a few weeks. great feeling. i guess i should probably consult my doctor about my depression, but im apprehensive to because the side effects of all the SSRI's that ive been prescribed in the past have been horrendous to say the least.
any of you guys dealing with depression issues? and if so, what do you think is the best way to go about dealing with those issues? i feel like my alcoholism and depression go hand in hand, and im starting to think that i cant get rid of one without at least dealing with the other. i did pay to talk to a psychologist a few years back, and found it very helpful. im considering doing it again, to hash out some issues and maybe get pointed in the right direction, being aa, detox, counselling or what have you.
goin for a cigarette.
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met up with the ex.
got drunk.
fought.
fucked.
took a cab home.
drunkenly called the only girl i care about.
fucked that up.
got home.
drank some more.
on 12oz.
sleep (pass out).
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COS dude you are such an attention seeking faggot it amazes me.
go start one of your barely readable, incoherent babbling infested threads to post your gay recycled internet images on.
coming from a dude who spelled reluctantly wrong twice two different ways in one sentence, your opinion means dick all.
i think the sedin sisters need their yearly dick suck, see you in the hockey thread you herb.
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the NEW sketch thread
in Paper Chase
Posted
kid, you pm'd me 3 times crying.
you attempted to neg me.
now youre posting on here fiending for attention.
if you insist on getting butthurt over the internet due to my comments alone, take some constructive criticism from mek, who told you in laments terms that your attitude sucks and youre going about this the wrong way.
go to the toy thread, practice and improve, or keep clowning yourself in this thread and then halfheartedly try to stick up for yourself.
in your own words you said be as rude as you want, its only the internet. and so i do and you start crying.
youre looking more and more like a herb every minute.
do yourself a favor and shut up.