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soul vice

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    Is there a doctor in the house?

    in Channel Zero

    Posted

    So the story goes like this....

     

    When I was born one of my nuts ended up in my lower stomach area due to an infant hernia, the docs cut me open then and put er back in the pouch.

     

    Fast forward 26 years or so and I am at the Cabin in the Kootney region for a week with my girlfriends family and their friends. One of the things that they do on this lake is tie 3 single tubes behind the boat and then see how fucking high in the air they can flip/smash/fuck with the people on the tubes. . . the lake gets super chopped up (it's a small Z shaped lake that is fairly shallow and great for skiing/wakesurfing). Anyway I am on the tube and the driver is shitfaced and trying hard, lot's of gnarly landings and what have you. . .

     

    That night I wake up from sleeping and I feel like someone has kicked me in the balls very fucking hard and I cannot figure out what the problem is. I think the worst right away and all the baddest shit is flying through my head, cancer, Crones, blah blah blah. . . then the pain resides and I go back to sleep.

     

    My left ball starts to grow.... (it was always way bigger then the other and I had it checked out before and I didn't really worry too much about it) and it starts to get bigger, like holy fuck it's like a orange and a strawberry when you are looking at the two together. . .

     

    This goes on for a year, I start to get really bad gas pains and cramping in my guts as well but I don't tie it in together really. It's one of those pains like if you don't eat for 24 hours or something and your body is driving a knife through itself telling you to eat.

     

    None of this shit really affected my life that much, my one ball was bigger, which was cool I guess, I had random pain at night; which worried me but not to the point to get checked out. And the rest of the symptoms were infrequent at best.

     

    This all came to an end while I was at work one day (thank christ), I was doing finishing carpentry in a high rise so most of my tools were in a large tool box on casters to go from floor to floor. see below:

     

    B00002269B.01._SCLZZZZZZZ_.jpg

     

     

    The fucking thing was heavy when fully loaded, probably 400-500 lbs and I just had to lift the thing over some debris on the ground and move it to get it rolling. When I lifted the side my fucking intestines emptied into my sack, and I had a fucking horrible pain.

     

    I go into a suit and survey the damage and basically my ball fucking grew some more, I could hardly stand/walk/think. I try to go walk it off around the floor because I am not a fucking pussy and years of sports will tell you to do the same. It did not work as I basically ripped a hand size hole in the muscle that keeps your balls and your gut's separated.

     

    I head over to the first aid shack and have a chat with the first aid women (who is a smash, at least on a construction site) She tells me she has to see it to believe me that I indeed injured myself so she can write me up a claim. I tell her that in order for her to see my balls she would have to buy me dinner first so I just lift up my shirt and say it hurts everywhere. she releases me with a WCB claim meaning the injury happened at work and I will be paid for all time gone and for the doc visit.

     

    I hobble to my truck and drive on home but I google hernia's and the operations as I drive and learn that the bad ones require surgery and time off and all that fun shit...

     

    On to the hospital:

     

    Once I am admitted the fun starts, I am asked to get into a gown and have a lay down, I am hobbling around like a champ, need help getting into bed and the works. Doc comes in and survey's the ball with a pretty hot nurse, he has the bright idea of pushing my guts back up through the hole in the muscle with two fingers. So he basically fisted my ball with my guts in it, pre-morphine to see if he could make my day that much better. He failed and I almost punched him in the throat. The nurse looked like she was going to cry, I was almost crying due to the worst pain my ball has ever been through.

     

    So there I am layed out, balls out to the world, curtain open and people start to walk by, more doctors start having a peek and then the nurses. Some student docs start walking by and asking to see. I feel like a whore, still with no morphine. Another doctor comes by and try's to push my guts back through the hole and fails. This is when the hottie nurse taps the arm for a GucciCondom express, I get the morphine after she pokes around my limbs for a half an hour and then it's all good. Pain gone, morphine in and Im laughing.

     

    I faint during my stand up xray the nurses caught me just before my head bounced off the floor. My emergency surgeron comes down and tells me he is operating tonight at around 11pm, he tells me I could possibly loose my lower intestine due to it being estrangulated by my ball. He also tells me my left nut is for sure on the chopping block as they dont know if it has been compromised. So this all mean's there could be more colateral damage but they do just not know at this point until they open me up.

     

    My roomate and my girlfriend come by for a minute and give me a high five, I am all smiles due to my morphine cloud that I was surfing on.

     

    I wake up in post op higher than a mother fucker, they do the routine and I go into post op care for a day and I am released. My dad of all things comes and picks me up, as I need 24 hour supervision to see if I need to go back.

     

    The worst part now was the script they left me with, I had never even known there was T2's (Tylenol 2's) but that's all I got for the pain. As soon as I was at my dad's the morphine wore off and I was in mother fucking agony, I felt like someone bravehearted my guts with a sword and I couldn't stand, sit, walk, think. I couldn't believe the fuckers only let me leave with a T2.

     

    My dad drives me up to the clinic and I tell the doc there that they fucked up and I need an actual pain killer...he prescribes me 52 oxy's for one week, and I had never taken Oxy's before. But now that I have, and quite a few I dont know how people could be addicted to them, but anyway. . .

     

    I got 2 months off with pay, at the time that was 9k for sitting on the couch. I watched every movie and tv series I owned. I was on the nod for a week and didn't take a shit for a whole week.

     

    I have a fishing net sewed in my gut to keep everything separated, it is sutured along my mid back and drapes under the gut's and is sutured along my stomach.

     

    Super awesome. You are now informed.

     

    Cheers.

     

     

    images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQnJe5vRDbSFAkxa-zYTxk0yGKxd6m4HTLEdO0z-LEyzHNnDCS3qw

     

     

    i've had one of these, shit's a bitch

    Did you guys hear about the tranny handjob mcdonalds beatdown seizure fight?

    in Channel Zero

    Posted

    Shit is pretty disgusting, I also love how this brings the racism out of all the white trash who probably do/did violent shit at some point in their lives.

     

     

    I don't know if this was directed at me but there's a difference between being racist and calling out straight animalistic ignorant shit when you see it. I have done violent shit, but never for anything so fucking petty and homophobic, that's just despicable.

    Did you guys hear about the tranny handjob mcdonalds beatdown seizure fight?

    in Channel Zero

    Posted

    I fucking HATE the way 90% of black girls act. Not racist, that shit is just straight fucking ignorant.

     

     

    And you're telling me a grown man (tranny or not) didn't punch those bitches back? I mean I'm not all for hitting women, but there's a point where that shit goes too far. I'd be swinging if I was that dude trying to break up the fight, you stop acting like a human you lose your right to be treated like a human.

    The Photography Thread

    in Art & Design

    Posted

    I know a lot of it is personal preference, but I feel like that's kind of a shallow answer when faced with obvious technical differences in bodies as expensive as the D700 and 5d. I think a lot of times people get too caught up in the "personal preference" aspect as an excuse to avoid really getting into the specs of specific cameras.

    The Photography Thread

    in Art & Design

    Posted

    I posted this same question on a photo blog, maybe you guys have some insight too-

     

     

    Why does it seem like BMX photographers prefer Canon so much over Nikon? Is it just because of the HD video capabilities that the 5d Mk2 is so much more popular than the D700, even though the d700 is faster and (i’ve heard) performs better in low-light?

    i need some hoodlum advice

    in Channel Zero

    Posted

    long story short one of my friends got jumped at a hardcore show while he was pissing in the bathroom with brass knuckles. Then he got kicked out for fighting back, and jumped again outside the venue with a 40 over the head and brass knuckles, all by members of the same band. this shit happens pretty regularly when they come to my city, they start shit and act like complete assholes and nothing ever happens.

     

    i've got a couple of friends together, but being honest we still can't take the whole band. therefore- fucking up their van serious like.

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