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Rolf Harris

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Posts posted by Rolf Harris

    Local Crazies

    in Channel Zero

    Posted

    there's a old bearded professor at the university doon the road from me, he walks aboot in a skirt and tights all the time... no one knows why,,,

     

    and there's alfie... alfie's really small drinks pints at the speed o' light and gets fuckin' blootered after 2, he then resorts to singing kareoke classics before gettin' thown in the air... (see video)

     

     

    he wears suits all the time, and he used to come to the big nightclubs in the centre of the town shouting at people to try and hit him with their spare change whilst waiting outside...

     

    we used to heat ours up with lighters for ages then watch as he tried to pick them up...

    Alcoholism

    in Lifestyle

    Posted

    what happens when you've been soaber a good while, and done the whole AA thing...

     

    but then you go to AA once a week or however often it is that you go and speak about drink for an hour?

     

    don't you just come oot thinkin' you could use a drink? doesn't it make it harder i guess is what i'm trying to say..?

    if you could buy prostitutes anywhere..?

    in Channel Zero

    Posted

    Weegie pros *shudder*

     

    Where's Rolf?

     

    glesgae tutes would give good gummys as very few of them actually have teeth...

     

    edit* i actually remember a pro in glasgow tried to pressure sale me her box

     

    she was like; "here pal? you lookin' fir business?"

     

    "fae you hen! pffft nae danger...."

     

    then she started basically humping my leg goin' "aye ye are! aye ye are!"

     

    i nearly had to run away...

     

    shit was scary yo...

    other terrible adults....

    in Channel Zero

    Posted

    another time walkin' home from school in the winter, me and another boy picked up what must've been the bottom part o' a snowman... it was fairly heavy and it took two of us to carry this boulder of snow...

     

    certain buses here still have conductors that follow you to your seat when you get on then charge you your fare, whilst the bus is moving they normally stand and speak to the driver beside the front door o' the bus...

     

    anyway someone walking infront of us while we were carrying the huge snowball pushed a wee button on the side o' the bus that opens the doors from the ootside, my mate gave a nod towards the open bus door and we threw it at the conductor, i felt pretty bad because this boy was pretty old lookin' and the sheer size o the snowball took the boys legs right oot from underneath him... then we heard a pretty funny and loud thud as he battered his head off the floor...

     

    we all ran away in fuckin' fits of laughter and he came oot goin' mental and swearing his fuckin' head off at us. but it was pretty icey and i don't think he fancied almost breaking his neck for the second time in one day...

    other terrible adults....

    in Channel Zero

    Posted

    dow and fist those are all superb...

     

    once a few years ago we used to throw things at cars (mainly taxis, because the dirvers are all fuckin' nuts) we would throw anything from eggs to coins and fruit...

     

    one of my mate's used to get picked up from his mum, and she would drive past, stick her head oot the window and shout grief, until we fuckin' pelted her car with a load of 1p and 2p coins...

     

    i decided the next day it'd be funnier to try and hit his mum in face with a banana, so i took the banyana squeezed it so it was all like mush an shit inside, then slit it from top to bottom with a pen so all the shit would ooze oot when it hit her...

     

    so we're walkin' along the main road that she drives doon, i keep an eye oot for her car, then i see it comin' with a slightly open window!

    I time it so fuckin' perfect that it hits the top of the door and the top of the glass and almost flys right into the car...

     

    the car pulls over at a space further up ahead and all we seen was the driver throwing loads o chunks o' banana oot the window whilst we're all laughing further back doon the road.

     

     

     

    later that night i come in from being oot with friends and my mum says; "sit doon! we've just had a call from your head teacher saying there's been reports of you throwing coins and fruit at cars! he wants to see you in his office first thing tomorrow ya wee arsehole..."

     

    so i turn up the next day only to hear that the car i hit with the banana wasn't my mate's mums car, it was some chinese man, who was wearing his best silk suit on his way to a business meeting...

     

    he phoned the school and went fuckin' mental saying he had to give a presentation with chunks of banana in his hair, his suit is in the dry cleaners, and that the inside of his car needed a full valet because of the mess...

     

    i was trying so hard not to pish my troosers all the way through the story...

     

    i admitted the coins business but said fuck all aboot the banana and got away with it....

    Dear ________,

    in Channel Zero

    Posted

    dear oontz...

     

    it's only 7pm here... and i'm ahready affy affy foo...

     

    but i wish you ah lthe best for 2012... and i hope you hae a good ain tae!

     

    i will report back with stories if i can remember a fuckin' thing like ken?

     

    Rolf

    Dear ________,

    in Channel Zero

    Posted

    dear anything goes...

     

    nice...

     

    i dunno aboot smuggling it on board... but i've been on a few with them and the booze from the duty free on the boat is pretty fuckin' cheap if i remember correctly... once you go on shore, i would buy some from wherever you are on the day then take it back on, they don't scan your bags or fuck all... i think they do when you first arrive though...

     

    i'm sure i got 2 litre bottles of absolout for something like $30... i dunno how that compares to your local shops, but that's pretty cheap where i'm from...

     

    dear dad...

     

    £285 for a fuckin' weeks work. fuck off... i'm lookin' for another job. i don't even give a fuck if it's not my trade...

     

    Rolf

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