[Britney Spears On Drugs]

ketamine spears?

[stuff that comes on tv when your baked]

the only thing that use to entertain me or not fuck with my head when I was high on t.v was that show out of bounds, i couldnt stand watching ANY hollywood movies as it just looked like such fake behaviour and i always thought to myself "wtf are these dum1bez doin on my t.v LOLOLOL." not to mention the guilt and anger trip outs i'd have from watching all those other normal society ppl on t.v, yah fuck them.

 

yah... then the t.v started commanding me to kill babys so i had to stop smoking the green :(

[a different paranoia]

I suffer from very strong paranoia, especially at night. My paranoia is viewed as silly from everyone ive told but im curious to your guys/girls views. I tend to see things at night, like weird things and I tell myself they arent there but I dunno... sometimes I get the feeling they are. For instance, once i wokeup and there were 3 human like figures standing over my bed watching me sleep. I sleep with my door locked every night, because im afraid of people coming into my room without me knowing, and im positive i wasnt sleeping because I was upright in bed and fully concious of time. I also always have the feeling that something is behind me, especially when I shower. I have to look over my shoulder constantly because I get strong feelings of a presence behind me. Usually I go into panic attacks because the fear is so strong, all I can do is lay in bed and pray it ends soon. I have this belief that im creating these people and placing them into my life, but since I don't fully understand how to control my life yet I can't keep them "alive" for more then a few seconds before they dissapear. It is a very horrifying thing however, yet I oddly enjoy the sensation as if I shouldn't be afraid of it

[not sure what to do about this]

but it's tormenting me...I think about it constantly and can't stop worrying and agonizing and flogging myself for letting it get to this point...It's all my fault, but that doesn't matter anymore, since what is, is.

 

I'd better start by briefly telling people that about two years ago, command hallucinations made me pour lighter fluid over my left leg and set it on fire. I had 3rd degree burns and skin grafts etc. Before that, I burned my forehead with several cigarettes at one time to implant the mark of Cain there, in order to scare people away from me, so they would be safe from being contaminated by me. I felt like I was poisonous and evil to the world and needed to keep people from coming too close. My body is scarred in many places from being burned because of command hallucinations, but the last time was the worst (though the facial burns are the most disfiguring, if any are, though I don't much care.) The important thing is that the voices have so upped the ante now that if I ever have to do their bidding again it will be a matter of setting my whole body on fire...No more excuses or partial acts of contrition!

 

That said, my pdoc and psychiatrist-sister have both told me that such an act would kill me, even though I am not suicidal...so I do not want to be put in a situation where it could get to that point. BUT on Zyprexa, while I can read and enjoy learning etc I am also rapidly gaining weight (I'm up to a normal weight now, no longer underweight...gained 15 pounds in a month) with no end in sight. THe problem is that I am only taking a tiny dose and this is NOT enough to stop the auditory hallucinations, so they continue apace, esp the music, but with words that have meaning at least some of the time. This then is the problem: if on a tiny dose of Zyprexa my weight is increasing despite all my efforts, and the dose is not enough to control the voices, then the voices may (and if the past predicts the future at all, they will) start to use my weight and feelings about it against me, insulting me, calling me names, worse...and this may well turn into commands to do something about it that is more harmful than simply stop eating so much...Their usual tactic is to say something like "You big fat a** why don't you set yourself on fire! Burn baby burn!" Those last 3 words are the trigger for all my episodes...If they say that, for some reason I usually do what they want, and I don't know why...

 

Anyhow, the quandary is that I want desperately to stay on the Zyprexa yet I don't want to gain weight and in fact know that it will be dangerous in the extreme for me to gain much more weight at all, mostly because of the virulence of the continuing voices and what the progression of events tends to be...

 

Any advice from anyone would be greatly appreciated. I'm completely at a loss as to what to do.

 

Thanks,

 

JAZE

[i want to cut my fucking nose off right now....]

i see that you are now evolving into ur adult years and experince the most mature forms of acne (i.e nostral acne.) this is a great symbol of you're wisdom that manifests itself into a phyiscal form, please take down notes while you expand.

[my experince with kelp]

alright this is share a experince with someone who needs help but doesnt want to accept it thread. like for my example - my buddy had a problem and the problem bothered him so much that he always was asking for some kind of help while he was depressed but when i offered help he always declined so my statement is - what the fuck are u always playing the victim for if you dont want help, if u wanna stay the way you are.. be happy u are fuked in ur head like that and stay that way.. stop playing the role of victim for some sympthay you miserable handicapped motherfuckers.

[BROOMSTICK AND UNDER THE SINK APPLIANCES]

hey glik0 what did i ever do to hurt your fellings because i apoligize if i did or did i just become the easy person to hate on around here

[BROOMSTICK AND UNDER THE SINK APPLIANCES]

For cleaning up?

 

what do you usally do to clean the boards that support ur wieght mass (the floors) and do you have a specific routine, like for example.. do you use cleaning fluids and scrub and mop, wait for the floors to dry, vacum and sweep?

 

or is it reverse for you, personaly i like to sweep up and then vacum and then scrub the floors? why? because if I dont lucky charms will git yo sucka

[Histrionic personality disorder]

although "attention seeking disorders" may sound like some typical girly harmless behavior, it is not. attention seeking disorders are very hurtful to the familys and peoples they come into contact with. although i can never be sure without a proper diagnose... I would have to say my grandmother has a severe attention seeking disorder and my mom would fully agree. I wont get into detail as to why I think that,. Histrionic personality disorder, which sounds like it may be a mild verison of Munchausen Syndrome can be learned about here

 

http://www.bullyonline.org/workbully/munchaus.htm

 

 

but here is the behavior a attention seeker will usally follow through

 

The Attention-Seeker

Motivation: to be the centre of attention

Mindset: control freak, manipulation, narcissism

Malice: medium to high; when held accountable, very high

• emotionally immature
  
• selectively friendly - is sickly sweet to some people, rude and offhand to others, and ignores the rest
  
• is cold and aggressive towards anyone who sees them for what they really are or exposes their strategies for gaining attention
  
• overfriendly with their new target, especially in the initial stages of a new working relationship
  
• overhelpful, ditto
  
• overgenerous, ditto
  
• manipulative of people's perceptions, but in an amateur and childish manner
  
• manipulative with guilt, ditto
  
• sycophantic, fawning, toadying
  
• uses flattery to keep a person in authority on side
  
• everything is a drama, usually a poor-me drama
  
• prefers not to solve problems in own life so that they can be used and re-used for gaining sympathy and attention
  
• capitalises on issues and uses them as a soapbox for gaining attention
  
• exploits others' suffering and grief as a vehicle for gaining attention
  
• misappropriates others' statements, eg anything which can be misconstrued as politically incorrect, for control and attention-seeking
  
• excusitis, makes excuses for everything
  
• shows a lot of indignation, especially when challenged
  
• lots of self-pity
  
• often as miserable as sin, apart from carefully constructed moments of charm when in the act of deceiving
  
• demanding of others
  
• easily provoked
  
• feigns victimhood when held accountable, usually by bursting into tears or claiming they're the one being bullied and harassed
  
• presents as a false victim when outwitted
  
• may feign exclusion, isolation or persecution
  
• malicious
  
• constantly tries and will do almost anything to be in the spotlight
  
• includes Munchausen Syndrome
  
• the focus of their life is to be the centre of attention

• being aware of your sorroundings is power :cool: