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Bottom 50 Ways to Say "I Love You."

1. "The empty sex we've had thus far has been good enough to justify attempting to forge an emotional bond."

2. "Your resemblance to my mother sets my Oedipal complex ablaze!"

3. "If my heart were a baked potato, I'd serve it to you with extra butter and sour cream."

4. "Your lousy personality isn't quite so lousy after a few drinks."

5. "I care for you so much, I'm unable to even conceive of our inevitable divorce."

6. "The other day I saw this little girl drop her ice cream cone on the ground and start bawling. After I stopped laughing, I thought, "I'm the same way when you don't call when you say you will."

7. "I saw you in the morning, on the toilet, and I didn't run screaming. So there."

8. "I've grown sufficiently fond of you to stop sleeping with your best friend."

9. "You are to me what an eye patch and parrot are to a pirate."

10. "You don't know it, but this is the musical montage part of the movie. Let's split a pretzel and go for a walk on the footbridge."

11. "You're all that stands between me and an long, lonely life of masturbation."

12. "You make me want to poo little chocolate hearts."

13. "I am the pork, you are the beans."

14. "I've grown so accustomed to your ubiquity, I would most certainly be impacted emotionally if you were to disappear."

15. "You are my personal emotional parachute."

16. "If you were a margarita, I'd drink you till I puked."

17. "I really like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like you."

18. "If I had my junior high dance to do all over again, I'd lean against the far wall, stare creepily at you all night, then hate myself for not asking you if you liked the punch."

19. "I don't love you. I merely enjoy tolerating your existence immensely."

20. "I'll still want to ravage you even when you're old, fat, and ugly."

21. "Tonight, I shall shave my entire body with a rusty razor blade and take a balsamic vinegar bath for you."

22. "If you were scabies, I'd never change my underwear."

23. "Normally, when people ask if they can borrow my 2001 Jeep Grand Cherokee, I totally tell them to fuck off. But I guess you could maybe borrow it if there was like an emergency or something."

24. "If you needed a kidney transplant, I'd donate - and I'd throw in a bonus lung."

25. "The wet, fatty ball of muscle and sinew that pumps thick, steaming blood to all of my internal organs starts to beat irregularly when you come into close proximity."

26. "You are to me what Oprah is to mediocre self-help gurus."

27. "While you're in the shower, I collect your skin flakes from the sheets and now I carry them around in this little napkin I keep tied around my neck."

28. "Life without fellatio from you would be a life not worth living."

29. "If you were frozen in Carbonite and taken by bounty hunters, I'd gladly disguise myself, infiltrate a fortress of intergalactic gangsters, and defrost you."

30. "You are the hole in my donut."

31. "When I was a kid I was kind of stupid and I thought it would be fun if I stuck a fork in the wall socket; obviously I was thrown across the room. Well, the shock that made my teeth chatter and my hair fall out? That's like you."

32. "Our dysfunctional co-dependence fills me with all-consuming contentment."

33. "I'm not saying we shouldn't see other people. I'm just saying I'll chase whoever you see out of town with a nail-studded baseball bat."

34. "I am your blank check - and you are free to bounce me all night long."

35. "If you were in a horrible accident and they put your head in a saline-filled fish tank, I'd feed you, change your water, and carry you on my back everyday until they built you a kick-ass robot body."

36. "I want nothing more than for us to sire offspring who will one day despise us."

37. "If given the choice between playing roundball like Michael Jordan or raising rugrats with you in a trailer park, I'd totally pick the second one."

38. "You're such a fucking asshole! And so am I. Let's forgive each other, get drunk, and screw."

39. "If I was smart, I'd follow you around like a puppy and never, ever crap in the corner."

40. "Not only would I carry you out of the factory and drive away you away on my sweet chopper, I'd also buy you a beer and a basket of fries."

41. "So, like, hey. Wanna go to 'Burning Man' with me?"

42. "I wrote you a poem: You walk in beauty like the night/ which means you're the hottest babe in sight/ Come home with me so I don't get in a fight/ I agree with what you said. You are always right."

43. "I'm highly unlikely to meet anyone who comes closer to marginally adequate than you."

44. "Not only would I die for you, I'd bitch-slap Satan a good one, too."

45. "Look: you're the only one allowed in my bunker. So go get some batteries while I clean my shotgun."

46. "Now that you're sleeping here two or three nights a week, I guess you could bring over a toothbrush or something."

47. "I had the weirdest dream last night: I was waking up just as dawn was breaking, but instead of the sun rising on the horizon, it was your giant, beautiful face. You were smiling and glowing and it felt too good. And then you turned into a praying mantis and ate my head - and I liked it."

48. "I could smoke five packs of you every day - and relish each and every eventual tumor."

49. "Let's set aside cool, ironic detachment for just a moment, shall we? I love you. Wow, wasn't that just like that moronic movie Reality Bites? You've never seen it? It's awesome in a totally 'stupid loser' kinda way."

50. "You're my best and only naked friend."