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Colt

Jesus and the Tards

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A Friend of mine wrote this, and how could I not share it with the fine people at 12oz!

 

JESUS AND THE TARDS

 

In the last few days, a certain question has been popping up frequently in the flashcard sequence of psychosis called my inner monologue. In Christianity, are retards still retarded when they go to heaven?

 

 

 

Dogma may argue that since the retarded have no souls, it is impossible for them to go to heaven in the first place and they will be trapped in purgatory for the rest of eternity. For the purposes of this text we'll assume that god is more forgiving of those born against his will. I for one, hope that the retarded aren't still retarded in the kingdom of heaven, because will have invariably fucked it up for the rest of us. Ever since social Darwinism was halted by advocacy groups sometime in the early seventies, the 'tards have been screwing it up for the rest of us. Their employment at fast food restaurants, their presence in entertainment and media (see: life goes on), and the general dark tint their existence veils over the glowing light of modern life. Is it not then safe to assume that the presence of the retarded in heaven would have serious repercussions?

 

Imagine, you're kicking back in heaven, enjoying yourself, then a short bus flips on the interstate somewhere in Kansas, a split second later you've got a whole heard of window lickers barreling through the gates giggling and tripping over each other, completely killing the mellow vibe. Given the current population divided by a rough estimate of how much of the population is retarded, I figure the pearly gates are littered with a constant parade of 'tards.

 

Now on the other hand, if the retarded are no longer retarded when the get to heaven, that too has consequences. Assuming the moment they die, they become instantly lucid, they'd behave in a manner not unlike a blind man seeing for the first time. Every ten seconds, you'd have some tard poking you on the shoulder trying to figure out what everything is for the first time. "How does a car work?", "How are babies made?", "What's the difference between a fork and a spork?", imagine being trapped in a daycare center for underprivileged children for the rest of time. Also, we must consider the possibility that being a 'tard could be insanely entertaining. Perhaps it's like being on thirty hits of acid and four bottles of Nyquil ALL THE TIME!. You'd be entertained for days with a ball of tinfoil, you'd never have to work, pay taxes, wipe your own ass, etc. With this in mind, do we really want to take the bliss of idiocy away from the tards? No, then can we really let them be eternal buzz kills up in heaven? No. The only solution I can concoct would be an organized effort to seduce the retarded of the world into a life of unimaginable sin. Their brains already have the retention capability of silly putty in a bread maker; it wouldn't be that hard to implant them with new morality. This course of action is also a viable alternative for getting rid of the elderly, the subjects of my next article: "Cancers of Youth: The Elderly".

 

(origonaly written by Lucid)

 

COLT

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you made my day...retards makeme laugh...my proudest moment at my last job was watching a tard flip over his wheel chair and go spilling into the floor screaming.

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Originally posted by Zack Morris

you made my day...retards makeme laugh...my proudest moment at my last job was watching a tard flip over his wheel chair and go spilling into the floor screaming.

 

 

ahahahhahahha you never fail to make m elaugh

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Originally posted by Zack Morris

you made my day...retards makeme laugh...my proudest moment at my last job was watching a tard flip over his wheel chair and go spilling into the floor screaming.

 

Thats classic!

 

COLT

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laughing at retards is morally wrong , however i find myself not being able to contain it very often........

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Guest willy.wonka

well i didnt read all of it...sounds retarded

 

but "retarded" people seem to have more soul than i do....

everybody bashes on retards...when your new born baby can come out the same way....

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what about babies...like if u die when ur still wearing dypers is there sombody in heven to change them?

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Originally posted by ASER1NE

laughing at retards is morally wrong , however i find myself not being able to contain it very often........

 

it's only morally wrong if it is within your morals. for the rest of us we can laugh all we want.

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i have a retard fan club. three little "special" kids that work next door to me come over and say hi to me and they once bought me flowers.

 

is it legal to marry a retard?

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Originally posted by big bruno

retards marry each other all the time but i dont know about one of us 'real' people marrying one...

 

 

eep! i didn't mean marry one myself.

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Originally posted by big bruno

haha i though Jangles was a little off...

 

he is. and like i said, i am not planning on marrying a retard.

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Originally posted by Samsara

 

it's only morally wrong if it is within your morals. for the rest of us we can laugh all we want.

YEAH I GUESS UR RIGHT , IT JUST FEELS BAD SOMEHOW , BUT AT THE SAME TIME ITS TOO FUNNY NOT TO ...

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i feel bad for retarded people but when they follow me around in hockey rinks sayin hey sexy. spinning wildy in there mechanical wheelchair. thats when its gets bad , i wanna trow them down the stairs

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Originally posted by tue skinny

i feel bad for retarded people but when they follow me around in hockey rinks sayin hey sexy. spinning wildy in there mechanical wheelchair. thats when its gets bad , i wanna trow them down the stairs

 

I hear that!

 

COLT

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Guest imported_El Mamerro

Not necessarily right, Shameless....

 

http://newcamp.net/hector/images/vacaciones.jpg'>

 

The above picture contains my father dancing and slapping his ass in front of my cousin who has mental retardation, cerebral palsy, spina bifida, and all sorts of fucked up maladies. However terrible mental retardation might seem to be, it is still fucking funny, and it just takes an open mind to both make fun of them and deal with them with care and respect.

 

I've decided the best way to deal with the sad things in life is by finding how to laugh at them. Therefore, laugh at retards. My uncle, this lovely girl's father, can bust a hell of an impression of her, which never fails to make me shit my pants in laughter. Beer,

 

El Mamerro

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